Loin Cloths & Little Old Ladies

It's Friday evening. The kids have just been whisked away by their grandparents and won't be back till Sunday afternoon.

My parents-in-law are good folk, now in their mid-seventies, who retired several years ago to what is euphemistically called a "hobby farm". In reality, it's just a large block of land in a sleepy rural area. My mother-in-law has always been an energetic person, full of good deeds and humour. She looks very weary of late, though, and is troubled by an arthritic hip. Her husband is still in excellent health. He should be - he's been waited on hand and foot for over fifty years! He potters away most of his days in his shed, where he drinks light beer and listens to horse-racing on the radio. When he's not doing that, he's out playing golf with a few of his cronies or taking a nap. I'm sure he'll outlive his wife but follow her soon afterwards because he can't even boil an egg or make toast!

Surprisingly, my children love visiting them. Miss Eleven is being taught all sorts of culinary secrets and is learning to knit and crochet. Mr Fifteen gets to help Grandy with one of the many things he's always fixing. Everyone knows that nothing will ever actually get fixed, but it's fun to tinker and to learn how to use a router or a lathe. And, on Sunday morning, they'll all go to church and my kids always enjoy that because they love to sing - and the Methodists seem to have the best hymns!

Today was what is termed a pupil-free day at my daughter's school. Allegedly, this is so the teachers can engage in professional development activities. Call me a cynic, but I suspect it's so the teachers can have an extra day of rest or hit the bottle!

Anyway, given she was at leisure all day, Miss Eleven played at being my receptionist this morning. I only had three one-hour sessions and, after the first client had been sent on his way, I told my daughter she was fired. She had greeted Client No 1 while wearing an avocado face mask! Not the best way to greet someone who is dealing with paranoia and suicidal ideation!

We had lunch together - just a sandwich each - and then Miss Eleven informed me that she had researched the clothing of the Ancient Romans. She assured me that the guys wore loin cloths. A post from a fellow LPSG-member gave me the same advice. All very well, but how - assuming I even want to - does one make a loin cloth?

We're reasonably comfortable with nudity at home. We don't deliberately stalk around naked and we observe all the courtesies of knocking on doors, etc, but any chance encounter with an undressed body is not treated as a big deal. Notwithstanding this level of comfort, however, I was not about to allow Miss Eleven to learn how to tie loin cloths with me as a live model.

In the end, we agreed that whatever we constructed would only look like a large diaper anyway. Given the likely ages of people attending tomorrow night's party, it's not unreasonable to suppose that several will have already resorted to "Poise" pads for incontinence. God forbid that I should appear to be mocking them! No. Briefs it will be.

I managed to avoid modelling the full centurion outfit for Miss Eleven by reminding her that I had to head into town for a while. She was disappointed but assured me that I was going to look great as a centurion. "You'll even look young ... from a distance". There's nothing like being damned with faint praise! Reminds me of a line from a Gilbert & Sullivan operetta: "She could very well pass for forty-three ... in the dusk with the light behind her".

I called by Pam's house on my way back from town. She said her first session with Tony had gone well. I know it sounds somewhat paradoxical, but "going well" actually involves lots of emotion and crying and can be quite exhausting. I gathered that this was Pam's experience too. She and Tony have agreed that she is in no shape to be involved in a serious relationship right now and that she needs to get her thoughts and feelings into better shape before attempting to move on. I can't argue with that. I would have given similar advice had I been in Tony's shoes. She is being encouraged to establish and maintain friendships, however, and I've assured her of my ongoing interest and support as a friend, kayaking buddy and/or tennis partner.

Also on the way back from town, I called into a small shopping centre to pick up a few groceries. Just inside the main entry I came upon an elderly woman who was slumped on her knees and holding on to a trolley. One of her shoes was resting nearby. Apparently she had tripped on a discarded plastic bag and fallen quite heavily.

I helped her to her feet and assisted with the lost shoe. She thanked me and, in response to my expressions of concern, said she was okay. But she was not okay. She was trembling from head to foot and holding the small of her back. Her car was parked nearby and I put her shopping on the back seat for her. I really didn't think she was fit to drive but she said there was no-one we could ring to come and help her.

I can get a bit bossy at times, and she was a frail little old lady, so I went into masterful mode and muscled her into the Centre Manager's office. He was a young guy who seemed sympathetic but not particularly interested. He asked what I wanted him to do. By this time, shock had set in and the little old lady was weeping quietly into an old-fashioned embroidered handkerchief.

Still in masterful mode, I told him there had been an accident in his centre, that the lady had a sore back and was very upset, that he needed to complete an accident report, that he might perhaps offer her a chair and a drink of something warm and sweet, and that I wasn't leaving until all these things had been done.

In case you're wondering, I'm not usually this assertive but this weeping woman had me advocating as fiercely for her as I hope someone will for me when I'm a little old man! I may also have been feeling my way into my new career as a centurion!

All ended well eventually. The lady's daughter was contacted and she and her husband came to the rescue.

As I drove off, I reflected on how vulnerable we are when we're old. I'd noticed that the lady's shopping consisted of many loaves of sliced bread and several packets of butter. She had been on her way to help with lunches at the local Senior Citizen's Centre. Until that fall she was an independent and contributing member of society. I sense that from this day forward she will feel far less confident and independent and that makes me feel sad.

So, that was my day. With the house all to myself tonight, I have Frank Sinatra on high volume and there is no-one to protest at my singing along!

I'm now convinced that I'll enjoy tomorrow night's Roman party. It's in a small town filled with comfortably well-off and retired people. I won't name the town, but - so predominant is the number of inhabitants aged sixty-five and over - it is often referred to as "God's waiting room".

Surely even I cannot get into trouble in God's waiting room. I'll let you know on Sunday evening.

Comments

How kind of you to take the time to give some real help to that old woman. I like you more and more!
 
You're already a great centurion. Tomorrow you'll be in the appropriate costume.

The old lady story is very sad. Props to you of course for coming to her aid, but she appears not to be very close to her daughter, is actively keeping in touch with society through volunteering, and now has had a very negative and very public experience with incapacity unimaginable by younger folks. I hope she does overcome that and continues her active life.
 

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