Loving at the Speed of Light

A quick recap:
[FONT=&quot]I embarked upon my bi-journey with the sense of being incompetent as a man and most especially when it came to relating with other men. I avoided any kind of contact with men from the age of ten right up until I was twenty. I then experienced my first deep friendship with a guy but it eventually led to destruction. I became good friends with another guy but he ended up being six feet under. These experience only heightened my sense of being useless when it came to men and I gave up on any idea or longing of having a male best friend. However, after about a decade, I met a guy online and we became very close friends. We fell in love with each other, he bailed and I was left trying come to terms with my realisation that I’m bisexual. I was all over the place due to the confusion and being overwhelmed. I came out to my wife about two months after this realisation. She was fine with my being bi but was very insecure and made it clear that she was unwilling to share me with a man. I accepted it because I couldn’t ignore that she’d gotten a raw deal; she married someone other than who she thought he is. I assured her that all that I wanted was for me to have a deep friendship with a guy (sans sexual or physical intimacy). We had many months of discussion almost on a nightly basis. I reached a place where I realised that I was living in fear and I also couldn’t foresee myself suppressing things inside of me for the rest of my life; the lid stood to blow at some point and I couldn’t ignore that it would lead to much pain and destruction. I offered her divorce. She declined...and it eventually led to her giving me permission to live freely as a bisexual man. Where I initially felt as if my bisexuality was a curse, I now feel deeply blessed for having it as part of my truth. I have had the privilege of meeting some incredible men and I’ve certainly learnt and grown because of their willingness to share about their life journeys with me. I’ve been blessed to have been in deep and loving relationships with men. Above all else, today, I enjoy being good friends with a number of men and I am amazed at how it’s now possible for me to meet and relate with men with much ease. [/FONT]

I met a really nice bisexual guy whilst being online; it took place on a Sunday morning and he immediately invited me to chat. We got along like a house on fire. Mark was kind and very sweet but it was also glaringly obvious that he suffered from very low self esteem. We spent hours chatting and I enjoyed his company tremendously. Mark was in the midst of starting divorce proceedings after spending three years in a very abusive marriage. I was amazed at how he opened up to me and shared about it with such ease. He had no sense of being a good person and believed that he is incredibly ugly. Our conversation flowed from deep heart to hearts, to joking around and finally flirting. There was a lot of chemistry…as in a LAWT!

[FONT=&quot]He asked me if we could get together for coffee later on in the day and I immediately accepted the invitation. We exchanged phone numbers and agreed that he’d contact me later on to confirm the time of our meeting. I couldn’t wait to meet him. He was just so sweet and unpretentious. Mark ended up cancelling our coffee date because something had come up. He offered me a very good explanation which gave me the reassurance that he had no intention of backing out of us meeting.[/FONT]

He logged onto MSN later on in the evening and we ended up chatting up a storm until the early hours of the morning. We agreed to meet first thing in the morning for coffee. He once again warned me to brace myself because he of his “ugliness”. I jokingly told him that I’d be the judge of that; that I had every intention of contacting the coffee shop’s management to arrange for them to set up a catwalk for our arrival so that he could parade on it for me. He told me that I ran the risk of being permanently traumatized. I brushed what he had to say aside. I found it heartbreaking when he asked if I could give him an honest opinion about his looks. How could a woman possibly reduce a man to feeling that way?!!

I arrived at the coffee shop a couple of minutes before he did. Mark told me that he had deep blue eyes, which made it very easy to identify him when he arrived. He wasn’t lying; his eyes were magnificent! They were a deep shade of blue that I had never seen before. I was mesmerized by them. I was also relieved that his eyes were as bloodshot as mine because of our late “night together”. I was also taken aback because much as he believed that he was butt ugly, the guy was hot. In fact, the first words that came out of my mouth were, “You’re HAWWWT!” Mark’s ears were scarlet red and I blushed just as much. I was shocked out how I’d blurted out those words like that, most especially because of my history with men. Mark’s response was, “THANKS. You’ve made me blush.” I tried to recover by saying, “You are such a bullshitter. You are quite the looker”. The two of us blushed even more. I was even more shocked with myself.

We sat down, ordered our coffee and proceeded to chat. Mark shared very candidly about the abuse that he’s endured from his wife, how he had decided that he couldn’t allow himself to be broken down any more and since there’d so much transformation taking place in his life, he had finally given himself permission to accept the fact that he was bisexual. I couldn’t stop staring into his beautiful eyes while my ears absorbed every word that passed his lips. The chemistry was tangible and I heard an ongoing “THUD” echo in my mind. He truly was a beautiful, good and kind man. My heart ached for him and the pain that he was in. Our conversation came to an abrupt halt when one of his colleagues arrived for coffee and he realised that it was time for him to go to the office.

[FONT=&quot]We walked to his car while our conversation continued and we finally climbed into it because it was pretty obvious that there was still so much that needed to be said. Our conversation drifted into a lull. The chemistry had reached paramount proportions. I could sense that Mark was nervous when he said, “So…what do you think? I do have a flabby chest, don’t I?” I was like, “DUH! There’s absolutely nothing wrong with your weight or your chest…I wasn’t lying when I told you that you’re a looker. You could be a supermodel.” (No lies, he could easily have been one!) He nervously unbuttoned his shirt, took my hand and put it on his chest and said, “See! Now you can feel the flab; it’s just been the position that I’m sitting in that’s kept it hidden.” I felt like I was a child in a candy store. Considering that I had never been intimate with a guy before, having the opportunity to caress his chest...well, pathetic as it may sound, but it was WOWSER!!!! I caressed his chest nervously (I blush at what was running through my mind) and once again told him that he isn’t fat!!!! [/FONT]

I had to try very hard to compose myself because between the situation, the chemistry and the beautiful guy that he was, I couldn’t deny my attraction to him…it was also easy to see where things were headed. I simply couldn’t let it happen…I WOULDN’T let it happen because his colleague could have come to the parking lot at any given time and I was unwilling to compromise him in any way. Instead, I removed my hand from his chest, he buttoned up and we chatted for a bit longer before he drove me to where I had parked and we went our separate ways.

We text messaged each other during the course of the day and spent hours chatting via IM in the evening. I arrived home and filled Tammy in about our meeting and how the sparks between us were unavoidable. I could sense that she found it a bit uncomfortable to deal with but had an “only time will tell” approach to the situation.

Mark emailed me the following evening. In it, he thanked me for my kindness and care but explained that the timing was completely off because of his having to contend with what bore the potential of becoming a messy divorce and above all else, he had been in self protect mode for so long that he was overcome with fear of opening himself up to me. It was all too clear that he needed a lot of time and space to put the past behind him and find out who he is…as he no longer had a clue. Much as I was disappointed, I couldn’t help but empathize with him and understand where he was coming from. I was thankful for his honesty and willingness to speak as opposed to keep me dangling in silence. As a result of this, my respect for him had grown in spades.

I think of him every now and again, right up till today. I wonder how he is coming along…after all, his wife refused to allow him to have any friends so he has had to walk this walk all alone. Short lived as this experience had been, it was very meaningful to me and my memories of Mark will always be fostered in my heart.

Comments

Stumbled across your comments in a thread while bouncing around today.. and followed those back here to your blog.

Just want to say: I'm in awe.

You're an impressive communicator.

CC
 

Blog entry information

Author
biguy2738
Read time
7 min read
Views
264
Comments
1
Last update

More entries in General

More entries from biguy2738

Share this entry