Mental Illness

Here I go, manic, posting another blog entry. I promise you won't have to read much more of my crap soon. Everyone should have a voice to speak but I keep posting and posting and posting and I'm still a newb to the site. I promise I'll be quiet for at least the next 2 days after I write this entry.

I fucking hate my mental illness. I'm diagnosed with anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder, and depression. I wanted to be a good teacher. But I can't. I'm shaking. I'm unable to sleep. I never get enough sleep and I'm always tired. I keep myself up with ridiculous amounts of caffeine.

I feel I'm letting everyone down. I'm letting my students down most of all. They need someone to help them with their homework and teach them social skills (I teach special education resource room). I feel I'm doing a fairly good job at it. But lately, I haven't been able to go to work. I went yesterday, but last week I missed tuesday-friday because I started breaking down.

I am so terrified of taking another day off because my principal is already complaining and said he was docking my pay. I don't care about the pay. I just want to make sure that I am safe. I wish I could bring up my illness to my principal. I think I'm kind of forced to now that it's affecting my ability to work.

I'm going to have to quit. This is extremely disheartening. Teaching was not my passion. I was going to do it for two years and then go into a Ph.D. program. But now, I don't know if I can handle it.

My whole mom's side of the family has a history of breakdowns when they reach their twenties. I have 2 cousins and 2 aunts who've filled this pattern. i thought it might skip over the male members of our family, but i guess not.

I want to work. I want to be productive. I want to be content. But mostly I want to be normal.

I'm afraid that the line between genius and madness is slim. Maybe I can create something worthwhile from all the suffering I've endured.

It's just....I want to write, and get paid for it. I wouldn't be asking for more than 30/k a yr off my writing. Just enough to support myself. So, that I don't have live at home with my parents. But I truly don't know if my work is decent. My best friend says it's incredible, but he's my best friend. I think it's great, too. My ex-girlfriend is a fan as well. In fact, no one I showed it to has been critical. I got a warm reception at the reading I gave. My friend with an MFA had some minor issues, but in general, liked it. I don't know if I currently have the talent to break through but I think I have the connections and I have the persistence and I have the madness.

I feel I have the illness of Plath, Sexton, and Dickinson, and the hedonism of Bukowski and Ginsberg. But I don't think I have the talent of any. If I did, it would surprise me. Maybe I do. I don't know. The truth is I've only been writing poetry for 4 months and I think I'm a talented rookie.

I'd love to show some of my work to people on this site, or anyone, but it's not copyrighted yet.

Mostly, I wish I could just be sane. So, that I could work. I hate that I have to quit my job soon because I can't handle the pressure.

Comments

If blogging daily or five times a day helps you to stay on an even keel do it! :cool:

I feel your pain dude. I have Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder. I also used to work for the State Dept of Education. I wasn't fired, :rolleyes: I was put out on disability because of a physical ailment called Meniere's Disease. It is possible to work with a mental illness bu you have to make ample use of all available resources and it doesn't sound like you are doing that.

What meds are you on? Maybe they need adjusting. What often works for me is to try to keep a balance between the things I have to do and the things I want to do. As a responsible adult the temptation is to do all the 'shoulds'. However, I find doing the things I think I should do, or the things I think that other people think I should do are actually the stressors in my life.

It's good you know your familys medical history but it doesn't have to be your destiny. Talk to your psychiatrist and/or your therapist before going to your principal. They may be able to help you word what you need to say. Also, if memory serves, the principal can't fire you for being depressed or bipolar because those things are covered by the ADA- Americans With Disabilities Act. The thing is he has to know that you have a disability and aren't just calling out sick to go to Coney Island or ski Wyndham.

This is a helpful site for dealing with all sorts of health issues in the workplace whether physical, mental, or emotional.
 
I am on Ativan (0.5 mg/as needed), Geodon (20 mg/2x daily), and Effexor (37.5 mg/daily).

I think I have to tell him. I have a professor who has been giving me bad advice and saying to keep it hidden. Well, I can't anymore.
 
i think you need to tell your doctor this and work something out. i'm on stuff for anxiety and depression. my job is very stressful. plus i'm living away from my family. i mask what i can.
 
Friend, I have been there. I had 2 heart attacks, through a clot and it caused a stroke because I had stents put it. I am on Xanax 1 mg 3 times a day, in valium 10 mgs as needed 3 times a day, 150 mg of Effexor and take 20 mgs Nortriptlyne at night. Depression. Now I try to meditate instead of medicate. Good luck, if I can help email me.
 
Hey teaching kids with special needs can be one of the most rewarding jobs,however no one ever mentions just how stressful it can be. I tried teaching when I was going through a lot in my life, and it just made me miserable and uber depressed. Like I would have anxiety attacks and I was becoming isolated, bitter and overall I hated what I was becoming. If you don't like what your doing or you feel this is not the job for you, I say quit.
 
lokican, I agree with you, it is very rewarding........I really like the kids, and I wish I was more talented so I could teach them better....but to say it's not stressful.......but what stresses me out is being mentally fit, keeping test scores up, and pleasing and getting along with the admins and other teachers.....that's what did me in. not children being children. they were why i lasted as long as i did...
 

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