Trying to learn about bisexuality is like playing with a ball on a railway track. Things can become very scary. In the midst of my search, came the realisation that in truth, I belong to what feels like a “secret society” and with it comes a sense of being completely isolated from the world. I’ve learnt that bisexuality is not a combination of homosexuality and heterosexuality, but it’s a sexual orientation all on it’s own. As bisexuals we are faced with a sea of homosexuals and heterosexuals and with each orientation comes a certain level of discrimination based on misconceptions about bisexuality. It would be easy for me to point fingers, however, if I want to take this journey honestly, then I can only point a finger to myself and with it comes the question: “What are you going to do about it?” At the end of the day it all boils down to one vicious circle. We are in hiding because of all the misconceptions, yet the misconceptions are rife because we are in hiding.
There are thirteen various forms of bisexuality. Not all bisexuals need to have casual sex with both genders as part of their everyday reality; while others are monogamous and may choose to alternate genders once their current relationships end. We are not sitting on the fence. We are not trying to have our cake and eat it by enjoying homosexual sex yet claiming the life of a heterosexual. And so the list continues…
All of this information brought about a sense of panic. Great! So if you’re straight, you’re straight, and there are people out there that you can identify with as being straight. If you’re gay, you’re gay, and there are people out there that you can also identify with as being gay. However, if you’re bisexual, your bisexuality could come in this form, or that form, or the other form…and where are the bisexuals out there? I don’t know! There’s a dramatic sense of things shifting from black and white into grey – layers upon layers of grey with no directions or a user manual…and you are facing it all on your own!
In the midst of it all, having to push the tears, panic, confusion and even suicidal thoughts aside in order to snap on a happy face, lest the wife finds out what’s really going on inside is a tremendous burden on it’s own. It becomes even worse when deep down inside you are dying to tell your wife everything, especially since you have always had an open and honest relationship.
I have learnt that the best way to have a handle on things is to sit with the chaos…difficult when you are a control freak like me. However, when I was beaten down into submission, I was astounded at how easy it was to do…and how much relief came with it! Instead of juggling issues and running the risk of messing things up, I have realised that by dealing with issues one at a time, I am not only able to deal with it constructively, and while I leave the other things alone there isn’t any risk of it blowing up in my face. I have experienced confusion. Constant confusion. I have come to accept that the confusion tends to resurface…and at times it may even be related to resolved issues. Accepting that the confusion is normal and allowing it to be, makes life less painful.
I’ve come to see that life is filled with questions. So many questions. Too many questions for us to be able to find all of the answers. Possibly the questions are more important than the answers. Perhaps they indicate where I am at and challenge me to search for my own inner truth. Maybe there is much truth in the adage: “It is in the journey and not the destination.” So, yes, I don’t have many answers, but I am able to live with it while I continue with my search, at a healthy and reasonable pace.
I’ve tried to let my wife know about how things panned out with my friend and how it had led me to discover that I’m bisexual. I’ve dropped subtleties and innuendoes left, right and centre. Much as I thought she was getting it, I wondered if she did.
The interesting, yet also very confusing part of my friendship and everything else that has led me up to this point, has been the fact that in the midst of it all, I have had a sense that I am growing, changing and improving. This was one thing that my wife did detect and comment on regularly. As a result, we had grown even closer to each other and our marriage has become even stronger than ever before. I think that part of it could perhaps be that in the midst of my getting in touch with my true self, the war within me has ended. As a result I am able to love my wife with more of myself than ever before. Another possibility could be that through being aware that just the two words “I’m bisexual” could strip me of the things that matter the most to me, I have grown to appreciate and treat both, my wife and my marriage, with the value and respect that they deserve.
There are thirteen various forms of bisexuality. Not all bisexuals need to have casual sex with both genders as part of their everyday reality; while others are monogamous and may choose to alternate genders once their current relationships end. We are not sitting on the fence. We are not trying to have our cake and eat it by enjoying homosexual sex yet claiming the life of a heterosexual. And so the list continues…
All of this information brought about a sense of panic. Great! So if you’re straight, you’re straight, and there are people out there that you can identify with as being straight. If you’re gay, you’re gay, and there are people out there that you can also identify with as being gay. However, if you’re bisexual, your bisexuality could come in this form, or that form, or the other form…and where are the bisexuals out there? I don’t know! There’s a dramatic sense of things shifting from black and white into grey – layers upon layers of grey with no directions or a user manual…and you are facing it all on your own!
In the midst of it all, having to push the tears, panic, confusion and even suicidal thoughts aside in order to snap on a happy face, lest the wife finds out what’s really going on inside is a tremendous burden on it’s own. It becomes even worse when deep down inside you are dying to tell your wife everything, especially since you have always had an open and honest relationship.
I have learnt that the best way to have a handle on things is to sit with the chaos…difficult when you are a control freak like me. However, when I was beaten down into submission, I was astounded at how easy it was to do…and how much relief came with it! Instead of juggling issues and running the risk of messing things up, I have realised that by dealing with issues one at a time, I am not only able to deal with it constructively, and while I leave the other things alone there isn’t any risk of it blowing up in my face. I have experienced confusion. Constant confusion. I have come to accept that the confusion tends to resurface…and at times it may even be related to resolved issues. Accepting that the confusion is normal and allowing it to be, makes life less painful.
I’ve come to see that life is filled with questions. So many questions. Too many questions for us to be able to find all of the answers. Possibly the questions are more important than the answers. Perhaps they indicate where I am at and challenge me to search for my own inner truth. Maybe there is much truth in the adage: “It is in the journey and not the destination.” So, yes, I don’t have many answers, but I am able to live with it while I continue with my search, at a healthy and reasonable pace.
I’ve tried to let my wife know about how things panned out with my friend and how it had led me to discover that I’m bisexual. I’ve dropped subtleties and innuendoes left, right and centre. Much as I thought she was getting it, I wondered if she did.
The interesting, yet also very confusing part of my friendship and everything else that has led me up to this point, has been the fact that in the midst of it all, I have had a sense that I am growing, changing and improving. This was one thing that my wife did detect and comment on regularly. As a result, we had grown even closer to each other and our marriage has become even stronger than ever before. I think that part of it could perhaps be that in the midst of my getting in touch with my true self, the war within me has ended. As a result I am able to love my wife with more of myself than ever before. Another possibility could be that through being aware that just the two words “I’m bisexual” could strip me of the things that matter the most to me, I have grown to appreciate and treat both, my wife and my marriage, with the value and respect that they deserve.