Moving Forward...Or Is It Backward?

Trying to learn about bisexuality is like playing with a ball on a railway track. Things can become very scary. In the midst of my search, came the realisation that in truth, I belong to what feels like a “secret society” and with it comes a sense of being completely isolated from the world. I’ve learnt that bisexuality is not a combination of homosexuality and heterosexuality, but it’s a sexual orientation all on it’s own. As bisexuals we are faced with a sea of homosexuals and heterosexuals and with each orientation comes a certain level of discrimination based on misconceptions about bisexuality. It would be easy for me to point fingers, however, if I want to take this journey honestly, then I can only point a finger to myself and with it comes the question: “What are you going to do about it?” At the end of the day it all boils down to one vicious circle. We are in hiding because of all the misconceptions, yet the misconceptions are rife because we are in hiding.

There are thirteen various forms of bisexuality. Not all bisexuals need to have casual sex with both genders as part of their everyday reality; while others are monogamous and may choose to alternate genders once their current relationships end. We are not sitting on the fence. We are not trying to have our cake and eat it by enjoying homosexual sex yet claiming the life of a heterosexual. And so the list continues…

All of this information brought about a sense of panic. Great! So if you’re straight, you’re straight, and there are people out there that you can identify with as being straight. If you’re gay, you’re gay, and there are people out there that you can also identify with as being gay. However, if you’re bisexual, your bisexuality could come in this form, or that form, or the other form…and where are the bisexuals out there? I don’t know! There’s a dramatic sense of things shifting from black and white into grey – layers upon layers of grey with no directions or a user manual…and you are facing it all on your own!

In the midst of it all, having to push the tears, panic, confusion and even suicidal thoughts aside in order to snap on a happy face, lest the wife finds out what’s really going on inside is a tremendous burden on it’s own. It becomes even worse when deep down inside you are dying to tell your wife everything, especially since you have always had an open and honest relationship.

I have learnt that the best way to have a handle on things is to sit with the chaos…difficult when you are a control freak like me. However, when I was beaten down into submission, I was astounded at how easy it was to do…and how much relief came with it! Instead of juggling issues and running the risk of messing things up, I have realised that by dealing with issues one at a time, I am not only able to deal with it constructively, and while I leave the other things alone there isn’t any risk of it blowing up in my face. I have experienced confusion. Constant confusion. I have come to accept that the confusion tends to resurface…and at times it may even be related to resolved issues. Accepting that the confusion is normal and allowing it to be, makes life less painful.

I’ve come to see that life is filled with questions. So many questions. Too many questions for us to be able to find all of the answers. Possibly the questions are more important than the answers. Perhaps they indicate where I am at and challenge me to search for my own inner truth. Maybe there is much truth in the adage: “It is in the journey and not the destination.” So, yes, I don’t have many answers, but I am able to live with it while I continue with my search, at a healthy and reasonable pace.

I’ve tried to let my wife know about how things panned out with my friend and how it had led me to discover that I’m bisexual. I’ve dropped subtleties and innuendoes left, right and centre. Much as I thought she was getting it, I wondered if she did.

The interesting, yet also very confusing part of my friendship and everything else that has led me up to this point, has been the fact that in the midst of it all, I have had a sense that I am growing, changing and improving. This was one thing that my wife did detect and comment on regularly. As a result, we had grown even closer to each other and our marriage has become even stronger than ever before. I think that part of it could perhaps be that in the midst of my getting in touch with my true self, the war within me has ended. As a result I am able to love my wife with more of myself than ever before. Another possibility could be that through being aware that just the two words “I’m bisexual” could strip me of the things that matter the most to me, I have grown to appreciate and treat both, my wife and my marriage, with the value and respect that they deserve.

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Since I filter my life with music, I've decided to include songs that I could relate with and draw comfort from. This one has become my "Bisexual Anthem" the words adequately expresses how I feel as I look back (and forwards) on my journey and the place that I found myself to be:


Step by Step – Whitney Houston


Well, there's a bridge and there's a river
That I still must cross
As I'm going on my journey
Though, I might be lost
And there's a road I have to follow
A place I have to go
But no one told me

just how to get there
But when I get there I'll know

'Cos I'm taking it...
Step by step
Bit by bit
Stone by stone
Brick by brick
Step by step
Day by day
Mile by mile

And this old road is rough and ruined
So many dangers along the way
So many burdens might fall upon me
So many troubles that I have to face
Oh, but I won't let my spirit fail me
I won't let my spirit go
Until I get to my destination
I'm gonna take it slow

Because I'm making it...

{chorus}

Go your own way, go your own way...

Say baby, don't give up
You've got to hold on to what you've got
Oh, baby, don't give up
You've go to keep on moving
Don't stop
Yeah, yeah
I know you're hurting
and I know you're blue
I know you're hurting
But don't let the bad things get to you

I'm taking it...

{chorus}

Go your own way, go your own way...

C'mon baby, gotta keep movin'
[ad lib]
 
i know what you mean, buddy. i can't imagine what's worse. saying "i'm bi" or "i'm gay". i guess it does seem that they are on the same level. with either one, you're probably gonna get a look like you're a freak of nature. being bi is sometimes nice because you seemingly get the best of both worlds, but also, it can be so hard because you really can't just easily join one side and conform, and people these days laugh at the thought of being bisexual.
 
I think that part of it could perhaps be that in the midst of my getting in touch with my true self, the war within me has ended. As a result I am able to love my wife with more of myself than ever before.

I get that feeling too. You seem to be so in touch with yourself right now, it's quite amazing to see. Thank you for posting this. I'm learning from it.
 
Thanks for your comments guys.

I'm with cigarbabe on this one. Will, I'm not going to go into much detail because my first three entries are from an old post and so much has happened since. I think that jumping backwards and forwards will end up becoming confusing so I'm trying to post in the same order as my experiences. I understand your feelings. However, cliche as it may sound, you are very lucky. (I really hope that what I'm about to say will bring you some comfort). You're young and you are already aware that you're bisexual. In all honesty, I'm jealous of people like you and Hung Jon etc. The reason being that you are able to sift through all of your questions etc and establish your reality without having to consider how it will impact the rest of your reality or marriage.

Bear that in mind. You have complete freedom to open yourself to your sexuality in the sense that the only real person that your search will impact is you. Enjoy this time and make the most of the opportunity that you have. Allow yourself to be free, you will find comfort from doing so, I assure you.

Jase, trust me. It's all very grey. It's a case of today I'm up...or in touch with myself...or thrilled to be bisexual, and tomorrow I'm confused...I feel like bisexuality is a plague or I'm depressed. The downers are fewer and far in between, but I still have my moments (including just this very week) where I feel complete disconnected from my wife, myself and even life.
 

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