My longest and most revealing entry yet.

Stress.

Volume 1.

I don’t know what’s been going on with me lately. I’m not sure if it’s a mental health issue, or a physical health issue, but I haven’t been right. I’m not really even sure how long it’s been going on for. Hard to say. I could say that it started 9 years ago when I started having panic attacks, or I could say it started about two months ago when I stopped having as much of a desire to go out. It started out with the panic attacks. Then after a few years of that, I started having dizzy spells that seemed to be completely unrelated to anything, really. They didn’t just occur when I was upset, or when I was in motion. They just happened. They still haven’t gone away. I’m quite tired of them, though. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m getting panic attacks daily. They’re getting harder to control. I’ve also been having other physical things going on, like not being able to stand in one place for more than 30 seconds or so without feeling like I’m going to fall over from lack of balance. I get light headed, and dizzy. I’ve been experiencing shortness of breath quite often. I can’t take a walk around my neighborhood without getting really dizzy and light headed. It’s gotten so bad that I don’t leave the house unless I have to. I don’t do laundry unless I have to. I don’t stand up to do anything or walk anywhere for any reason unless I have to.

But here’s my issue. I don’t know if all of this physical stuff is related at all to my mental health. The panic attacks ‘n such. I’m not sure if my panic attacks may be causing the dizziness in some ways, or if my dizziness causes the panic attacks, but I usually don’t have one without the other. Is shortness of breath a symptom of depression or anxiety? And if it is, would I be experiencing the shortness of breath even if I weren’t having an anxiety attack? Because I feel it even when I feel mostly normal. Whenever I’m standing in one place too long, and I get those crazy dizzy/lightheaded spells, I also get really hot really fast. Almost like I’m about to sweat, but I don’t ever end up sweating. I don’t know what’s up with that. And I don’t have the insurance to or money to get my health completely checked out. For all I know, I could have heart disease and not even know it. Or maybe I’m just a nutcase. Or maybe it’s both. Can blood work and a chest x-ray detect heart disease? I’ve had those both done twice recently, and they all came up clean. I also had two EKG’s done (for heart palpitations) and they both came up normal… but I wasn’t having the palpitations at the time of the EKG. The doctor kept me on a monitor the second time I went and said that he noticed slight differences in my heart rate, but nothing earth shattering.

Now… one thing I have noticed, is that if I’m completely immersed in something else without time to “think” (I.e., school, work, a book) then I feel fine. I don’t feel dizzy, I don’t feel hot, I don’t feel anxious… I just feel fine. When my mind starts to wander, then all of a sudden… I feel all of those things. I have half a mind to go back to the freakn emergency room. Again. I already owed them a couple thousand dollars, what’s another grand or so? I just want to know what’s wrong with me. I’m to the point now where I don’t even care what it is, I just want to know. If I have heart disease, so be it. If I’m legally insane, fine. Whatever. I don’t care. Just tell me what the fuck is wrong with me. I’m tired. I know that could be part of my problem, the fact that I don’t hardly sleep. I RARELY get 8 hours of sleep in a night, and 7 hours isn’t all that common either. It’s usually less than 7 hours.

I’m stressed. Mildly depressed. I know all of these things. I don’t know what to do about any of them, though. I can’t afford a therapist. I almost want to take a break from school after this semester and just work part time for a while. See if I can’t get my shit together. I don’t know what to do, though. I spend half my time wondering if I’m dying and preparing Skyler for a life without his mom. I don’t want to die. The doctors say that according to my blood, EKG, and chest x-ray, I’m not dying. But I’m sure as hell not living. Sitting in my room 24 hours a day (whenever possible) isn’t living. Avoiding elevators, vacations, concerts, grocery stores, school events, etc isn’t living. That’s existing. I don’t want to exist. I want to live. I also can’t help but wonder how many of my symptoms might just be because I’m fat. Like, if I just lost 100lbs, I’d have my breath back and I wouldn’t be so tired. I still don’t know about the dizziness and the anxiety, though. I can’t imagine that’s weight related. I just wish I had a doctor or someone who would be willing to help me. For free, or whatever. Let me make payments, I don’t care. I’m tired of being this way. I want my life back. In high school I was outgoing, fun to be around, and always doing something. No anxiety, no dizziness, no shortness of breath. I miss those days. I miss being able to wake up in the morning and know that nothing was going to stop me from doing what I wanted to do that day.

God, I feel like I’m defective or something. Like a lemon. It’s not fair to me, it’s not fair to Skyler. He deserves a mom who can do things with him other than watch movies or play board games. I can’t do anything physical with him. I can’t take him to fun, exciting places. We just watch TV and movies, and play games on the floor of the living room. I hate it. The funny part is, as I sit here typing this, I don’t feel dizzy or short of breath. I feel fine. I didn’t feel fine when I sat down to type this. Just another “thing” that makes me wonder how much of this is emotional or mental. When I was at the emergency room last, the doctor offered me Xanax… I should’ve taken it, but I said no, because I hate relying on medication to feel normal. But now I’m thinking that I’ll do anything to feel normal. I know that I have a lot of emotional strain, and there’s probably a lot more there than I realize. I know I still haven’t dealt with moms death. I miss her more than anything. I know I still haven’t dealt with my stepfather remarrying. I know I still haven’t dealt with whatever issues are causing me to ruin every relationship I’ve ever had.

And now I’m in love with a guy who loves me too, and it scares the living shit out of me. My instinct is to turn the other direction and run as fast as possible. I know I’m probably going to ruin this one too. The optimistic side of me says to give it a chance, maybe it’ll work out. But the caring and cautious side of me says to just break things off with him now before they get too deep. The guy lives in Kentucky and wants to move here. Mostly to be with me. I’m also scared to death to be in a committed relationship. I feel myself getting restless already and I’ve only known him a week and a half. I want to run. I don’t want to be tied down. But on the flip side, I need someone. I need someone so bad. I’m so lonely. And he gets me. He totally gets me. I just wish I had the balls to tell him everything about me, even the bad things. I want him to know how much I hurt inside. I want him to know how unhappy I am. I want him to know that because of my anxiety attacks and dizziness, I can’t travel. He wants to travel. With me. A lot. How do I tell him that the woman he is in love with wants nothing to do with all this traveling bullshit? I can’t leave my comfort zone… which, by the way, is getting increasingly smaller. He wants to come visit me. He wants to fly into Kansas City and have me pick him up at the airport. How do I tell him that I can’t drive up to the airport? I’ll die from the anxiety before I can make it north if I-70. I tried convincing him to get a shuttle bus to take him to his hotel and I can just meet him there, that way we wouldn’t miss each other at the airport. I don’t think he bought it. Maybe I should just tell him. Hell, if he can’t accept it, then he’ll leave me, which frees me from the commitment he wants. If he can accept it, then I guess we’ll go from there. I’m just so lost. I don’t know where to start. Do I start with a therapist, or a medical doctor? Or do I just dive right in and go for both? Can I fix this on my own? Will enough self-help books give me what I need to get over this? How badly am I fucking up my son by being this way? *sigh* Someone please help me.

Comments

Sorry for your troubles MamaMeg. You always seem sweet to me. I would definitely attack the weight issue because that's something you can do on your own. Since you can't afford "health care", [I don't have much use for it myself] it's going to be a case of physician, heal thyself. Donno what else to say. It's better to do something than nothing.
 
Meggy, I think you need to just be honest with him. The longer you keep it from him, the more it's going to eat at you.

I hope things get better soon. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
 
you need to have all your health worked up no matter what the cost. your symptoms could be a lot of things, but just in case they are cardiovascular you need to get it checked out. i had a lot of similar things when i was younger and they were panic attacks and sleep apnea, but there was a big possibility they were something else.

also, if it is psychiatric, by not treating it with medication and therapy, it will not get better and it will probably get worse. panic disorder responds very well to cognitive behavioral therapy (something you can get books and workbooks about) but you may need the xanax at first to get you to a point where you can deal with it through using CBT techniques. panic disorder and anxiety feed both feed on themselves, and tend to get worse and worse without intervention. for me, medication broke that cycle just enough so that i could re-train my brain not to freak out every time i was in some situation which triggered me. i spent well over 10 years having panic attacks at least twice a week and up to multiple times daily, and now i have them maybe 4-5 times a year. i couldn't control them well until i got on the right medication. now i don't even worry about them.

people don't always make the connection that a brain is like any other organ, and if it is ailing and you don't take care of it, you are damaging it.

please go see a doctor. they might put you on a holter monitor for a few days which will help rule out any serious cardiovascular problems. after you rule out physical causes, find what's available in your area for low-cost mental health services.

i think getting in shape would be wonderful for you and for your son. physical activity can be a really good bonding experience. this is a great reason to start getting in shape but you really can't start any sort of exercise regimen or diet until you deal with whatever else is going on with a physician.

about the guy... do what feels right, but tread a little more carefully only because you have your son to look out for.

good luck. *hugs*

one more thing-- i've been where you are with the anxiety and panic mixed with being in a new relationship. i remember having panic attacks every time i ate food. every time i was out of my comfort zone. it's awful, and medication has worked so well for me that i kick myself thinking i wasted so much time trying to cope with it by myself.
 
Well, I'm still not feeling better. I went to the ER AGAIN... and they still say I'm okay. My blood is oxygenating well... they did two tests to check it, and they both came out perfectly. The doctor said it could be anxiety, and my father says it's probably my weight, both of which could very well be true. I'm thinking at this point that I'm having a little trouble breathing, which is caused by my weight, and my anxiety over it amplifies the breathing problem so it's even worse. I'm working on losing weight. I'm eating better and recording all of the food I eat and trying to stay between 1200 and 1500 calories a day. If anyone has any thoughts or ideas that could help with that, I'd happily take them - especially healthy recipes or quick, healthy snack ideas.
 
Try the Xanax. If that helps alleviate the symptoms, you know it's at least partly anxiety. Also, ERs are really only good for diagnosing and treating acute health crises-- you need to see a good doctor/clinic and see if they can get more tests worked up for you.

Good luck.
 
Dear Meg, get out of the health care trap. As you say, what's another thousand dollars spent on health care? Good money after bad. Has your health improved? Health isn't based on money spent on health care. This is another U.S. health fallacy. We need more health - not more health care.

Good luck in your journey!
 
"I know that I have a lot of emotional strain, and there’s probably a lot more there than I realize. I know I still haven’t dealt with moms death. I miss her more than anything. I know I still haven’t dealt with my stepfather remarrying. I know I still haven’t dealt with whatever issues are causing me to ruin every relationship I’ve ever had. "

Deal with that stuff. Take a day when you feel pretty good and just force yourself to face everything.

I know ALL of your symptoms. I have sufferred from panic attacks since I was 15.

I still haven't found the answer...but almost exactly one year ago I ended a streak of having them almost everyday for 4 or 5 months.

Well towards the end it was mostly just fear that I was going to have them.

But my state of mind has improved temporarily.

I am a wreck...but I am not TOO anxious.

I realized after they stopped for a bit that I have always made it rhough them, and now when I get them I don't trip out as much.

There is still a flicker of "is this it?"

But it is not "OMG, This IS it!"

I don't doubt that future traumas will bring on intense anxiety again...but I think I am better prepared since I fully accept that I get panic attacks and that I know no matter what for better or worse...the moment will end before long.
 

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