Stress.
Volume 1.
I don’t know what’s been going on with me lately. I’m not sure if it’s a mental health issue, or a physical health issue, but I haven’t been right. I’m not really even sure how long it’s been going on for. Hard to say. I could say that it started 9 years ago when I started having panic attacks, or I could say it started about two months ago when I stopped having as much of a desire to go out. It started out with the panic attacks. Then after a few years of that, I started having dizzy spells that seemed to be completely unrelated to anything, really. They didn’t just occur when I was upset, or when I was in motion. They just happened. They still haven’t gone away. I’m quite tired of them, though. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m getting panic attacks daily. They’re getting harder to control. I’ve also been having other physical things going on, like not being able to stand in one place for more than 30 seconds or so without feeling like I’m going to fall over from lack of balance. I get light headed, and dizzy. I’ve been experiencing shortness of breath quite often. I can’t take a walk around my neighborhood without getting really dizzy and light headed. It’s gotten so bad that I don’t leave the house unless I have to. I don’t do laundry unless I have to. I don’t stand up to do anything or walk anywhere for any reason unless I have to.
But here’s my issue. I don’t know if all of this physical stuff is related at all to my mental health. The panic attacks ‘n such. I’m not sure if my panic attacks may be causing the dizziness in some ways, or if my dizziness causes the panic attacks, but I usually don’t have one without the other. Is shortness of breath a symptom of depression or anxiety? And if it is, would I be experiencing the shortness of breath even if I weren’t having an anxiety attack? Because I feel it even when I feel mostly normal. Whenever I’m standing in one place too long, and I get those crazy dizzy/lightheaded spells, I also get really hot really fast. Almost like I’m about to sweat, but I don’t ever end up sweating. I don’t know what’s up with that. And I don’t have the insurance to or money to get my health completely checked out. For all I know, I could have heart disease and not even know it. Or maybe I’m just a nutcase. Or maybe it’s both. Can blood work and a chest x-ray detect heart disease? I’ve had those both done twice recently, and they all came up clean. I also had two EKG’s done (for heart palpitations) and they both came up normal… but I wasn’t having the palpitations at the time of the EKG. The doctor kept me on a monitor the second time I went and said that he noticed slight differences in my heart rate, but nothing earth shattering.
Now… one thing I have noticed, is that if I’m completely immersed in something else without time to “think” (I.e., school, work, a book) then I feel fine. I don’t feel dizzy, I don’t feel hot, I don’t feel anxious… I just feel fine. When my mind starts to wander, then all of a sudden… I feel all of those things. I have half a mind to go back to the freakn emergency room. Again. I already owed them a couple thousand dollars, what’s another grand or so? I just want to know what’s wrong with me. I’m to the point now where I don’t even care what it is, I just want to know. If I have heart disease, so be it. If I’m legally insane, fine. Whatever. I don’t care. Just tell me what the fuck is wrong with me. I’m tired. I know that could be part of my problem, the fact that I don’t hardly sleep. I RARELY get 8 hours of sleep in a night, and 7 hours isn’t all that common either. It’s usually less than 7 hours.
I’m stressed. Mildly depressed. I know all of these things. I don’t know what to do about any of them, though. I can’t afford a therapist. I almost want to take a break from school after this semester and just work part time for a while. See if I can’t get my shit together. I don’t know what to do, though. I spend half my time wondering if I’m dying and preparing Skyler for a life without his mom. I don’t want to die. The doctors say that according to my blood, EKG, and chest x-ray, I’m not dying. But I’m sure as hell not living. Sitting in my room 24 hours a day (whenever possible) isn’t living. Avoiding elevators, vacations, concerts, grocery stores, school events, etc isn’t living. That’s existing. I don’t want to exist. I want to live. I also can’t help but wonder how many of my symptoms might just be because I’m fat. Like, if I just lost 100lbs, I’d have my breath back and I wouldn’t be so tired. I still don’t know about the dizziness and the anxiety, though. I can’t imagine that’s weight related. I just wish I had a doctor or someone who would be willing to help me. For free, or whatever. Let me make payments, I don’t care. I’m tired of being this way. I want my life back. In high school I was outgoing, fun to be around, and always doing something. No anxiety, no dizziness, no shortness of breath. I miss those days. I miss being able to wake up in the morning and know that nothing was going to stop me from doing what I wanted to do that day.
God, I feel like I’m defective or something. Like a lemon. It’s not fair to me, it’s not fair to Skyler. He deserves a mom who can do things with him other than watch movies or play board games. I can’t do anything physical with him. I can’t take him to fun, exciting places. We just watch TV and movies, and play games on the floor of the living room. I hate it. The funny part is, as I sit here typing this, I don’t feel dizzy or short of breath. I feel fine. I didn’t feel fine when I sat down to type this. Just another “thing” that makes me wonder how much of this is emotional or mental. When I was at the emergency room last, the doctor offered me Xanax… I should’ve taken it, but I said no, because I hate relying on medication to feel normal. But now I’m thinking that I’ll do anything to feel normal. I know that I have a lot of emotional strain, and there’s probably a lot more there than I realize. I know I still haven’t dealt with moms death. I miss her more than anything. I know I still haven’t dealt with my stepfather remarrying. I know I still haven’t dealt with whatever issues are causing me to ruin every relationship I’ve ever had.
And now I’m in love with a guy who loves me too, and it scares the living shit out of me. My instinct is to turn the other direction and run as fast as possible. I know I’m probably going to ruin this one too. The optimistic side of me says to give it a chance, maybe it’ll work out. But the caring and cautious side of me says to just break things off with him now before they get too deep. The guy lives in Kentucky and wants to move here. Mostly to be with me. I’m also scared to death to be in a committed relationship. I feel myself getting restless already and I’ve only known him a week and a half. I want to run. I don’t want to be tied down. But on the flip side, I need someone. I need someone so bad. I’m so lonely. And he gets me. He totally gets me. I just wish I had the balls to tell him everything about me, even the bad things. I want him to know how much I hurt inside. I want him to know how unhappy I am. I want him to know that because of my anxiety attacks and dizziness, I can’t travel. He wants to travel. With me. A lot. How do I tell him that the woman he is in love with wants nothing to do with all this traveling bullshit? I can’t leave my comfort zone… which, by the way, is getting increasingly smaller. He wants to come visit me. He wants to fly into Kansas City and have me pick him up at the airport. How do I tell him that I can’t drive up to the airport? I’ll die from the anxiety before I can make it north if I-70. I tried convincing him to get a shuttle bus to take him to his hotel and I can just meet him there, that way we wouldn’t miss each other at the airport. I don’t think he bought it. Maybe I should just tell him. Hell, if he can’t accept it, then he’ll leave me, which frees me from the commitment he wants. If he can accept it, then I guess we’ll go from there. I’m just so lost. I don’t know where to start. Do I start with a therapist, or a medical doctor? Or do I just dive right in and go for both? Can I fix this on my own? Will enough self-help books give me what I need to get over this? How badly am I fucking up my son by being this way? *sigh* Someone please help me.
Volume 1.
I don’t know what’s been going on with me lately. I’m not sure if it’s a mental health issue, or a physical health issue, but I haven’t been right. I’m not really even sure how long it’s been going on for. Hard to say. I could say that it started 9 years ago when I started having panic attacks, or I could say it started about two months ago when I stopped having as much of a desire to go out. It started out with the panic attacks. Then after a few years of that, I started having dizzy spells that seemed to be completely unrelated to anything, really. They didn’t just occur when I was upset, or when I was in motion. They just happened. They still haven’t gone away. I’m quite tired of them, though. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m getting panic attacks daily. They’re getting harder to control. I’ve also been having other physical things going on, like not being able to stand in one place for more than 30 seconds or so without feeling like I’m going to fall over from lack of balance. I get light headed, and dizzy. I’ve been experiencing shortness of breath quite often. I can’t take a walk around my neighborhood without getting really dizzy and light headed. It’s gotten so bad that I don’t leave the house unless I have to. I don’t do laundry unless I have to. I don’t stand up to do anything or walk anywhere for any reason unless I have to.
But here’s my issue. I don’t know if all of this physical stuff is related at all to my mental health. The panic attacks ‘n such. I’m not sure if my panic attacks may be causing the dizziness in some ways, or if my dizziness causes the panic attacks, but I usually don’t have one without the other. Is shortness of breath a symptom of depression or anxiety? And if it is, would I be experiencing the shortness of breath even if I weren’t having an anxiety attack? Because I feel it even when I feel mostly normal. Whenever I’m standing in one place too long, and I get those crazy dizzy/lightheaded spells, I also get really hot really fast. Almost like I’m about to sweat, but I don’t ever end up sweating. I don’t know what’s up with that. And I don’t have the insurance to or money to get my health completely checked out. For all I know, I could have heart disease and not even know it. Or maybe I’m just a nutcase. Or maybe it’s both. Can blood work and a chest x-ray detect heart disease? I’ve had those both done twice recently, and they all came up clean. I also had two EKG’s done (for heart palpitations) and they both came up normal… but I wasn’t having the palpitations at the time of the EKG. The doctor kept me on a monitor the second time I went and said that he noticed slight differences in my heart rate, but nothing earth shattering.
Now… one thing I have noticed, is that if I’m completely immersed in something else without time to “think” (I.e., school, work, a book) then I feel fine. I don’t feel dizzy, I don’t feel hot, I don’t feel anxious… I just feel fine. When my mind starts to wander, then all of a sudden… I feel all of those things. I have half a mind to go back to the freakn emergency room. Again. I already owed them a couple thousand dollars, what’s another grand or so? I just want to know what’s wrong with me. I’m to the point now where I don’t even care what it is, I just want to know. If I have heart disease, so be it. If I’m legally insane, fine. Whatever. I don’t care. Just tell me what the fuck is wrong with me. I’m tired. I know that could be part of my problem, the fact that I don’t hardly sleep. I RARELY get 8 hours of sleep in a night, and 7 hours isn’t all that common either. It’s usually less than 7 hours.
I’m stressed. Mildly depressed. I know all of these things. I don’t know what to do about any of them, though. I can’t afford a therapist. I almost want to take a break from school after this semester and just work part time for a while. See if I can’t get my shit together. I don’t know what to do, though. I spend half my time wondering if I’m dying and preparing Skyler for a life without his mom. I don’t want to die. The doctors say that according to my blood, EKG, and chest x-ray, I’m not dying. But I’m sure as hell not living. Sitting in my room 24 hours a day (whenever possible) isn’t living. Avoiding elevators, vacations, concerts, grocery stores, school events, etc isn’t living. That’s existing. I don’t want to exist. I want to live. I also can’t help but wonder how many of my symptoms might just be because I’m fat. Like, if I just lost 100lbs, I’d have my breath back and I wouldn’t be so tired. I still don’t know about the dizziness and the anxiety, though. I can’t imagine that’s weight related. I just wish I had a doctor or someone who would be willing to help me. For free, or whatever. Let me make payments, I don’t care. I’m tired of being this way. I want my life back. In high school I was outgoing, fun to be around, and always doing something. No anxiety, no dizziness, no shortness of breath. I miss those days. I miss being able to wake up in the morning and know that nothing was going to stop me from doing what I wanted to do that day.
God, I feel like I’m defective or something. Like a lemon. It’s not fair to me, it’s not fair to Skyler. He deserves a mom who can do things with him other than watch movies or play board games. I can’t do anything physical with him. I can’t take him to fun, exciting places. We just watch TV and movies, and play games on the floor of the living room. I hate it. The funny part is, as I sit here typing this, I don’t feel dizzy or short of breath. I feel fine. I didn’t feel fine when I sat down to type this. Just another “thing” that makes me wonder how much of this is emotional or mental. When I was at the emergency room last, the doctor offered me Xanax… I should’ve taken it, but I said no, because I hate relying on medication to feel normal. But now I’m thinking that I’ll do anything to feel normal. I know that I have a lot of emotional strain, and there’s probably a lot more there than I realize. I know I still haven’t dealt with moms death. I miss her more than anything. I know I still haven’t dealt with my stepfather remarrying. I know I still haven’t dealt with whatever issues are causing me to ruin every relationship I’ve ever had.
And now I’m in love with a guy who loves me too, and it scares the living shit out of me. My instinct is to turn the other direction and run as fast as possible. I know I’m probably going to ruin this one too. The optimistic side of me says to give it a chance, maybe it’ll work out. But the caring and cautious side of me says to just break things off with him now before they get too deep. The guy lives in Kentucky and wants to move here. Mostly to be with me. I’m also scared to death to be in a committed relationship. I feel myself getting restless already and I’ve only known him a week and a half. I want to run. I don’t want to be tied down. But on the flip side, I need someone. I need someone so bad. I’m so lonely. And he gets me. He totally gets me. I just wish I had the balls to tell him everything about me, even the bad things. I want him to know how much I hurt inside. I want him to know how unhappy I am. I want him to know that because of my anxiety attacks and dizziness, I can’t travel. He wants to travel. With me. A lot. How do I tell him that the woman he is in love with wants nothing to do with all this traveling bullshit? I can’t leave my comfort zone… which, by the way, is getting increasingly smaller. He wants to come visit me. He wants to fly into Kansas City and have me pick him up at the airport. How do I tell him that I can’t drive up to the airport? I’ll die from the anxiety before I can make it north if I-70. I tried convincing him to get a shuttle bus to take him to his hotel and I can just meet him there, that way we wouldn’t miss each other at the airport. I don’t think he bought it. Maybe I should just tell him. Hell, if he can’t accept it, then he’ll leave me, which frees me from the commitment he wants. If he can accept it, then I guess we’ll go from there. I’m just so lost. I don’t know where to start. Do I start with a therapist, or a medical doctor? Or do I just dive right in and go for both? Can I fix this on my own? Will enough self-help books give me what I need to get over this? How badly am I fucking up my son by being this way? *sigh* Someone please help me.