New Years resolution and inner demons.

Sorry this is a long post about my life and what I'm feeling. It's sort of emo, but I don't usually write down my thoughts, guess being anonymous on these boards makes me feel more honest with myself. I don't usually write so bear with me if my sentence structure is a bit rusty.

So I've done some soul searching over the holidays. I have long been aware of my flaws and the darker side to my personality, yet I always had something going on in my life that always kept me from dealing with them. I decided that January is going to be a new start for me. I am going to go on a spiritual and self improvement journey. To aid me in this, I have made a list. This is more than of my new years resolutions. I want to complete it, and show who I really am.The first 2 are the standard of pretty much everyones new years resolution. but the 3rd is more serious.

1. Get in shape
Ok so I'm a bit shallow, but I have put on some wight this winter, happens every year, usually burn it off in the summer, but this time i'm getting an early start. I'm going to take a yoga class and hopefully a gym membership.

2. Eat healthier.
No fried foods for 1 month, attempt to go vegan for 1 week (a culinary and will power challenge). Overall eat better, go on a diet and possibly take vitamins.

Now the hard one.

3. No drinking, no drugs. no smoking pot for 1 month.

This will be the hardest one for me. I am a pot head, and have been for the past 6 years. I have stopped 3 times before, but it has almost become part of who I am. I need to know I can still stop whenever I want to. The drinking will also be hard, been 8 years since I started and I can really drink a lot. See the problem for me is that I just can't stop partying. I know it will always be part of who I am, and I do think i'll do drugs from time to time to keep life... interesting. Its just that my family apparently has a history of alcoholism in it. I have this attraction to vice, the dark side. For some reason I feel alive when I'm doing shady things, like I'm living life to it's fullest, and am afraid i'll get sucked in. I call it my magic safegaurd, I cannot drink, smoke pot or do drugs by myself. However I see that I'm getting too reliant on those around me, and live my life feeling how I think others perceive me.

I never found it difficult to make friends or meet people, but I have this thing that makes it so that I have to be liked by them. I can be the life of the party, make everyone laugh, and hell be the envy of every shy person who wishes they could be at ease in a group of strangers like me. However I don't think they know that I desperately need to be liked by those I meet. If someone is short with me, yells or whatever I just get all depressed. I think thats why I party so much, to be part of it all, and be known as fun. Well thats all going to change, I'm just going to try something different. I hope it all works out.

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lokican
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