Note to self..

Several people here and in my personal life have tried to tell me I need to cope better with the reality I'm dealing with ever since the loss of my daughter. The experience has even been used as an insult against me more than once by more than one member of this community. I just came here to remind myself that ANYONE who would tell someone who lost a child ANYTHING like some of the vile things that have been said to me are the ones who actually need help and aren't getting it.

Anyone who would complain about the difficult time I've had coming to terms with what happened is basically on the same level as someone who would mock a person with any other mental health condition, they are the kinds of people who use the word retard and mean it.

If you are one of those people and you are reading this, I forgive you. Whether or not you're sorry, I don't need you to be.

Comments

I'm so sorry for your loss. Not as sorry as you are definitely because I can not even come closer to comprehending the meaning of that.
How do I know that? Because I have seen the tragedy in my family when we lost my brother when he was an infant. I saw what my parents have been through and still can see the sorrow in their eyes. I was only a couple of years older therefore my sorrow is very limited in comparison.
You have a big heart. I don't think I could be as forgiving as you are and you have my utmost admiration for that.
It isn't my place to pass on judgment on those people but I have a big relief in believing that you may forgive them but God will not.
My sincere regards.
 
Not that it is ANY of my business BUT, should shouldn't get too concerned about what some other NARROW MINDED assholes think or say. In MY OPINION, you have gone through a horrific loss. Some people may offer some words of comfort which is absolutely wonderful. AND some of the others may simply be scum bags that I wouldn't waste a second to even absorb what those schmucks say.

Just an opinion, but may not be a bad idea to see a professional to help deal with your grief. Life will certainly not ever be the same, however, life must go on.

I wish you the best.

Since I don't have kids nor could I possibly totally understand the pain you are enduring.
 
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I would NEVER suggest that you weren't. JUST SAYING, whether it be you or anyone else, never hurts to talk to someone. If nothing else, sometimes it is just a good sounding board.

I'm sure that many people will read this.

Perhaps if just one person was on the fence about speaking to someone and it helped them....... its' a GOOD thing, don't you think ?
 
There is no right way to process extreme tragedy. I'm sorry that some feel that they have the right to tell you that there is. Please take the best care of yourself possible, and work through it in your own way. Seek out help, either from family, friends or profesionals, as you see fit. You have my deepest sympathies, and I am amazed by your forgiveness.
 
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There's no right way to grieve a child. It's backwards, our children are supposed to survive us. And the specific circumstances of your loss are also complicating factors.

Those who say unkind things about it, either haven't experienced a loss and don't know they're unkind, or don't care whether they hurt you. You forgiving them says everything that needs saying.

(((hugs)))
 
I'll echo what so many have already said. Grief is different for each person, and for each time they grieve. I had a significant loss 8 years ago, and a loss a year ago (I'll spare you the details, I want to focus on you, I just want to give you an idea of my 1st hand experience with traumatic loss). And both of those were much worse than any other death. All my grandparents are gone, and I mourned them, but could move on. Even other relatives and a few friends who've died "too young", I mourned them but could manage to wrap those losses into who I am. But these other two losses tore me open. I'm still knitting things back together over the loss from 8 years ago.

It changes a person.

And I'm angry anyone would attack you over this. Disgusting. I agree with what Toddcc987 wrote above. Those abhorrent behaviors say more about the deeply flawed people who uttered them than on anyone else.

It will take the time it takes.

Best regards from one stranger coping with grief to another. Peace.
 
D
We don’t know each other but I want to say I am so sorry for all that you have been going through. There really aren’t any words that I can express that would make it any easier but just know that there are many people here, some that you know and some you don’t, who are here to support you. Unfortunately there are some incredibly disgusting people in the world who get off on cruelty. It’s a horrible trait in an incredibly small amount of humans.
I wish you comfort and strength and a return to joy in your life soon. Take care.
 
D
I don’t know you beyond just joking and laughing on here, but truly :heart::heart::heart::heart:
 
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I won't like this either, but I'm here and im empathetic. I cant imagine how much it hurts to lose a child. I've lost the person I loved the most in the world, so I think I've got a sense of just part of the pain you are feeling. I'd like to share a reddit comment that someone shared with me when I was going through my loss.

the original commenter was U/gsnow;

"Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks."

I hope this can help you even a little bit. I'm sending you all the social distanced emotional hugs right now. I'm terribly sorry for your loss :((((
 
*hands over surfboard* @Tight_N_Juicy "now go slay those waves like the badass you are!"

Myself and all the people who care about you will be standing by with plenty of life rings and spare surfboards! so don't hesitate to call out, rain or shine, snow or sleet, we'll be standing at the ready!
 

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