I've said it before and I'll say it again, even if I'm starting to risk sounding like a broken record:
I've never been in a romantic relationship.
I have, however, observed quite a few from varying distances. Sometimes being the guy on the outside has certain advantages. If you're observant and alert, you can get a fairly objective view of things.
The following will be a combination of things that I have been told, things that I have seen and things that I have concluded.
I'll start with the good relationships I have seen.
Three of my best friends are in long term relationships. One of them is even married and is going to be a father. All of these guys have found great women and I must admit that I find their relationships to be a bit inspiring.
Interestingly, I haven't learnt much from being witness to these relationships. It's a bit like a case of "quiet competence". That, when it works, it's not flashy. It just works.
Thus I see it more as a spot of light or a picture of hope than any lesson learned.
On the other hand, the bad relationships I have seen and been in contact with have taught me a lot.
Furthermore, two of my female friends are the people through whom I've seen bad relationships. I don't know what the message there is. My male friends have good relationships, and my female friends had crappy ones.
I'll be using fake names to discuss these bad relationships.
Let's start with the "milder" of the bad relationships. The one between Nate and Gwen.
I met Gwen at university. That's also where Gwen and Nate met each other, I think.
Nate is the basically the swedish equivalent of a "dudebro" kind of guy. He likes sports, beer and playing Call of Duty and sports videogames. And he likes sex (who doesn't?).
Gwen on the other hand, I always felt suffered from the "Princess-syndrome". That is to say that she seems to expects real life to be like a romantic fairy tale. She was, and I fear still is, far too naïve for her age.
Over the years at university I saw their relationship grow stale, stagnate and finally start to rot. I'm guessing they went into it with far too different expectations. However, due to Gwen's crippling self-esteem issues, she clung to Nate. Even though she often felt as if he was basically using her as his own sex-doll. I'm not saying that Nate was a bad guy, but it seemed to be a bad fit.
It came to my knowledge that Gwen had repeatedly broken up with Nate, but always returned. I asked her why, her answer was basically "because it is comfortable and familiar". I suppose its analagous to a really worn-out armchair: it's broken, possibly filthy, but it's too heavy to easily move and you're in the habit of sitting in it.
Finally, they broke up. As always when it came to listening to Gwen's relationship issues I kept neutral. It is not my place to tell her what to do or not to do, nor to place judgement on her decisions. All I could do was to try to perhaps recommend having an open mind and figure out what she really wanted.
She then nicely proved my theory about single women: a woman is never single for long. A short time after her relationship with Nate ended, she told me she had hooked up with some random dude.
I asked her if that was what she wanted and she replied that she didn't know. She was intent on meeting him again, and I still feel that perhaps she really needs another person in her life. That maybe she can't really cope with being single/alone. I'm not sure if it is a good idea to get into a relationship, of any kind, with the very first guy that shows interest after a long-term relationship has ended.
Just the other day Gwen told me that she and Random Dude had, around New Year's Eve, basically spent three days in bed, and that she could hardly walk afterwards. And they're gonna meet again.
Strangely, she has always told me she wants more than sex. To her, sex is secondary to "the romance". We all have needs though, I suppose.
After a bit of discussion I recommended her to not make things more complicated than they are. If good sex is all this is about then that is perhaps good enough. If it proves to be more than that, then let that be sorted then. Hopefully, things turn out for the best. I still think that she needs some time alone to figure out what she really wants. Running blindly ahead can't end well, can it?
Moving on to the relationship between Sandra and Greg.
I never liked Greg. He was a braggart asshole who basically the first time I met him showed me a picture of how ripped he had once been.
I knew Sandra through a friend. She always struck me as a smart woman, but in time she would prove to have very poor judgement.
Greg is a very controlling person. The things he did during their relationship were pretty creepy. A lot of this only came to light a time after their long relationship came to a slow and nasty end.
He would occasionally pretend to be Sandra on instant message programs like MSN Messenger. He integrated himself into Sandra's family, becoming fast friends with her mother, for instance. This had the result that when Sandra started to doubt the future prospects of the relationship with Greg, he had the support of Sandra's family, while they criticized her for considering leaving him.
Beyond that, he had a very prickly exterior and had a very offensive or agressive behaviour towards others. I never felt at ease or comfortable when he was around. As far as I know he was never actively violent against Sandra, but it was close.
Many times Sandra would defend his behaviour by saying that he was insecure, and that he covered it up with his agressive behaviour. There was truth in this I think, but Greg never seemed to make any effort to improve his behaviour or to overcome his insecurities.
I once asked Sandra why she stayed with Greg, even though things between them didn't seem all that good. Her explanation was basically that it was "comfortable and familiar". Ring a bell?
Finally, after much emotional blackmailing and the like, they broke up. Her mother was so enamoured by Greg's friendly act that she apparently still badgers Sandra about the breakup. Sandra's mother considered, and still cosniders, Greg to basically be her son-in-law.
What spins my head is the fact that Sandra is apparently still fond of Greg, even though he occasionally calls her up while drunk and says hurtful things. For instance, he apparently calls her up and speaks ill of her current boyfriend, who is a friendly man (more about him later).
After Greg there followed a succesion of bad relationships. Thankfully they were all short-lived. There was one guy that apparently played mind games on Sandra all the time. Stuff like "Come and sit on my right side" yet intentionally indicating his left side, etc. Weird stuff. Then there was an ex-con that had once sexually harassed Sandra (at a party she borrowed a bedroom to sleep, and he came in and rested his head on her breasts). For some reason she got together with him, despite his previous behaviour! I remember saying to her that I had a bad feeling about this, and maybe she should just be single for a while. Things turned ugly and he became very nasty and threatening. As far as I know he ended up back in prison.
Now she is with a guy that I've only met on one or two occasions, but he has struck me as a good kind of guy. Unfortunately he suffers from MS. Very recently Sandra informed me that she is pregnant with his child.
I wish I was making this shit up. My own issues pale in comparison to this. It's soap-opera level drama.
So what has this taught me?
First of all, I never want to be one of "those guys". I don't ever want to catch myself acting like the guys that I have felt acted badly against their girlfriends.
Second, I'd rather continue being a bachelor than go into a relationship for the wrong reasons. I want to feel connected to somebody, to love them, even, and to be loved. I don't want the relationship to be based on a sort of mutual need or lazy comfort and familiarity. Or worse, to "settle". Yes, in the real world we can't get all we want, but there's settling and there's settling. "I'm a terrible person and I'll never meet anybody better than this partner who physically/emotionally abuses me. I suppose I'll just settle". That stuff turns my stomach. However "So maybe my partner isn't a model, and has a nasty habit of leaving crumbs on the kitchen table, but s/he is still a lovely person, and I do find hir attractive. Heck, it's not as if I'm perfect either! I'll gladly settle". This works just fine.
I think the best relationships are those wherein two mature individuals who are complete in themselves meet up and improve each others' lives. 1 + 1 = 3. Two people who are comfortable, capable and balanced on their own, yet enjoy to be in each other's company.
I think bad or at least not as good relationships are built around people who just need to be with another person to feel whole. 0,5 + 0,5 = 1. Two people that consider themselves less than complete on their own, that crave the acknowledgement of another to be whole.
I have learnt that I think I'd rather end a relationship that is going badly than to cling to a sinking ship, even if it is sinking slowly. Life is too short to suffer. Cut the ties and move on to newer, hopefully better things.
It's like Blackjack. You can stand on 3, but you're unlikely to win the game then. Rather than to stay at 3, draw another card and see what happens. So maybe you'll go bust in the end. You're still alive and kicking, most probably, so just start over. At some point maybe you'll land on 18 or maybe even 20, and things will be good. There's no reason to draw another card there, so settle in.
I think I'll make another post in a while where I'll collect my thoughts on what I've learnt. This post has mostly been a recounting of my observations rather than a discussion of my conclusions.
That's it for this time!
I've never been in a romantic relationship.
I have, however, observed quite a few from varying distances. Sometimes being the guy on the outside has certain advantages. If you're observant and alert, you can get a fairly objective view of things.
The following will be a combination of things that I have been told, things that I have seen and things that I have concluded.
I'll start with the good relationships I have seen.
Three of my best friends are in long term relationships. One of them is even married and is going to be a father. All of these guys have found great women and I must admit that I find their relationships to be a bit inspiring.
Interestingly, I haven't learnt much from being witness to these relationships. It's a bit like a case of "quiet competence". That, when it works, it's not flashy. It just works.
Thus I see it more as a spot of light or a picture of hope than any lesson learned.
On the other hand, the bad relationships I have seen and been in contact with have taught me a lot.
Furthermore, two of my female friends are the people through whom I've seen bad relationships. I don't know what the message there is. My male friends have good relationships, and my female friends had crappy ones.
I'll be using fake names to discuss these bad relationships.
Let's start with the "milder" of the bad relationships. The one between Nate and Gwen.
I met Gwen at university. That's also where Gwen and Nate met each other, I think.
Nate is the basically the swedish equivalent of a "dudebro" kind of guy. He likes sports, beer and playing Call of Duty and sports videogames. And he likes sex (who doesn't?).
Gwen on the other hand, I always felt suffered from the "Princess-syndrome". That is to say that she seems to expects real life to be like a romantic fairy tale. She was, and I fear still is, far too naïve for her age.
Over the years at university I saw their relationship grow stale, stagnate and finally start to rot. I'm guessing they went into it with far too different expectations. However, due to Gwen's crippling self-esteem issues, she clung to Nate. Even though she often felt as if he was basically using her as his own sex-doll. I'm not saying that Nate was a bad guy, but it seemed to be a bad fit.
It came to my knowledge that Gwen had repeatedly broken up with Nate, but always returned. I asked her why, her answer was basically "because it is comfortable and familiar". I suppose its analagous to a really worn-out armchair: it's broken, possibly filthy, but it's too heavy to easily move and you're in the habit of sitting in it.
Finally, they broke up. As always when it came to listening to Gwen's relationship issues I kept neutral. It is not my place to tell her what to do or not to do, nor to place judgement on her decisions. All I could do was to try to perhaps recommend having an open mind and figure out what she really wanted.
She then nicely proved my theory about single women: a woman is never single for long. A short time after her relationship with Nate ended, she told me she had hooked up with some random dude.
I asked her if that was what she wanted and she replied that she didn't know. She was intent on meeting him again, and I still feel that perhaps she really needs another person in her life. That maybe she can't really cope with being single/alone. I'm not sure if it is a good idea to get into a relationship, of any kind, with the very first guy that shows interest after a long-term relationship has ended.
Just the other day Gwen told me that she and Random Dude had, around New Year's Eve, basically spent three days in bed, and that she could hardly walk afterwards. And they're gonna meet again.
Strangely, she has always told me she wants more than sex. To her, sex is secondary to "the romance". We all have needs though, I suppose.
After a bit of discussion I recommended her to not make things more complicated than they are. If good sex is all this is about then that is perhaps good enough. If it proves to be more than that, then let that be sorted then. Hopefully, things turn out for the best. I still think that she needs some time alone to figure out what she really wants. Running blindly ahead can't end well, can it?
Moving on to the relationship between Sandra and Greg.
I never liked Greg. He was a braggart asshole who basically the first time I met him showed me a picture of how ripped he had once been.
I knew Sandra through a friend. She always struck me as a smart woman, but in time she would prove to have very poor judgement.
Greg is a very controlling person. The things he did during their relationship were pretty creepy. A lot of this only came to light a time after their long relationship came to a slow and nasty end.
He would occasionally pretend to be Sandra on instant message programs like MSN Messenger. He integrated himself into Sandra's family, becoming fast friends with her mother, for instance. This had the result that when Sandra started to doubt the future prospects of the relationship with Greg, he had the support of Sandra's family, while they criticized her for considering leaving him.
Beyond that, he had a very prickly exterior and had a very offensive or agressive behaviour towards others. I never felt at ease or comfortable when he was around. As far as I know he was never actively violent against Sandra, but it was close.
Many times Sandra would defend his behaviour by saying that he was insecure, and that he covered it up with his agressive behaviour. There was truth in this I think, but Greg never seemed to make any effort to improve his behaviour or to overcome his insecurities.
I once asked Sandra why she stayed with Greg, even though things between them didn't seem all that good. Her explanation was basically that it was "comfortable and familiar". Ring a bell?
Finally, after much emotional blackmailing and the like, they broke up. Her mother was so enamoured by Greg's friendly act that she apparently still badgers Sandra about the breakup. Sandra's mother considered, and still cosniders, Greg to basically be her son-in-law.
What spins my head is the fact that Sandra is apparently still fond of Greg, even though he occasionally calls her up while drunk and says hurtful things. For instance, he apparently calls her up and speaks ill of her current boyfriend, who is a friendly man (more about him later).
After Greg there followed a succesion of bad relationships. Thankfully they were all short-lived. There was one guy that apparently played mind games on Sandra all the time. Stuff like "Come and sit on my right side" yet intentionally indicating his left side, etc. Weird stuff. Then there was an ex-con that had once sexually harassed Sandra (at a party she borrowed a bedroom to sleep, and he came in and rested his head on her breasts). For some reason she got together with him, despite his previous behaviour! I remember saying to her that I had a bad feeling about this, and maybe she should just be single for a while. Things turned ugly and he became very nasty and threatening. As far as I know he ended up back in prison.
Now she is with a guy that I've only met on one or two occasions, but he has struck me as a good kind of guy. Unfortunately he suffers from MS. Very recently Sandra informed me that she is pregnant with his child.
I wish I was making this shit up. My own issues pale in comparison to this. It's soap-opera level drama.
So what has this taught me?
First of all, I never want to be one of "those guys". I don't ever want to catch myself acting like the guys that I have felt acted badly against their girlfriends.
Second, I'd rather continue being a bachelor than go into a relationship for the wrong reasons. I want to feel connected to somebody, to love them, even, and to be loved. I don't want the relationship to be based on a sort of mutual need or lazy comfort and familiarity. Or worse, to "settle". Yes, in the real world we can't get all we want, but there's settling and there's settling. "I'm a terrible person and I'll never meet anybody better than this partner who physically/emotionally abuses me. I suppose I'll just settle". That stuff turns my stomach. However "So maybe my partner isn't a model, and has a nasty habit of leaving crumbs on the kitchen table, but s/he is still a lovely person, and I do find hir attractive. Heck, it's not as if I'm perfect either! I'll gladly settle". This works just fine.
I think the best relationships are those wherein two mature individuals who are complete in themselves meet up and improve each others' lives. 1 + 1 = 3. Two people who are comfortable, capable and balanced on their own, yet enjoy to be in each other's company.
I think bad or at least not as good relationships are built around people who just need to be with another person to feel whole. 0,5 + 0,5 = 1. Two people that consider themselves less than complete on their own, that crave the acknowledgement of another to be whole.
I have learnt that I think I'd rather end a relationship that is going badly than to cling to a sinking ship, even if it is sinking slowly. Life is too short to suffer. Cut the ties and move on to newer, hopefully better things.
It's like Blackjack. You can stand on 3, but you're unlikely to win the game then. Rather than to stay at 3, draw another card and see what happens. So maybe you'll go bust in the end. You're still alive and kicking, most probably, so just start over. At some point maybe you'll land on 18 or maybe even 20, and things will be good. There's no reason to draw another card there, so settle in.
I think I'll make another post in a while where I'll collect my thoughts on what I've learnt. This post has mostly been a recounting of my observations rather than a discussion of my conclusions.
That's it for this time!