One of these things is not like the others...

I don't think I've written about this at length before because I've never gotten my thoughts together the way I'd like...but I'm willing to just go for it now.


I as well as many people in and out of "the life" have noticed certain "key looks" or qualities of the people that make up my colorful gay society. While it's normal for people who associate in certain circles to immitate styles and whatnot indicative of their surroundings, it tends to seems as though the gay society is extremely elitist, conformist and quite critical of those who fail to fit the exact mold.

Since I live in a city known for having a thriving gay community, I have had first hand experience in understanding who I am as a gay man and what I like or don't like. There are many people who do great things in the community and are shining examples of what a good person should look like, and not just what a gay man should look like. However, every website, magazine and television show geared towards me and others like me shows a particular type of person who is supposed to represent who I am...yet looks nothing like me.

i would say this creates some sort of self loathing in the sense that this is an unattainable goal for anyone to fit in that was just manufactured from some fascist media exec, but it's not. I see these guys walking down the street when I go to the Beverly Center or down Melrose and I know that they relate to the ads and stuff better than I can.

So, the worse part, that I face is the fact that since those people fit the image of what I should look like instead of what I do look like, I'm looked at as a "mutt," if you will. A sort of secondary creature, a pauper, a lowly serf in the Queer Queen's Castle.

In a word: LESS.

It shouldn't bother me as much as it does, the cookie-cutter imagery, but it really does. I mean, really. While I probably shouldn't self-diagnose my situation, I think that it has something to do with inside wanting to fit in that mold...wanting subconsciously to be a "Chelsea Boy" or a "Twink" or a "muscle jock." The feeling of being able to use those ads and images as a mirror instead of looking at them like a flunked midterm.

I probably have really low self-esteem; but I know that there are alot of positive things about me that make me desirable...they're just not the things that I wished for.

Comments

You put the words down beautifully.

One thing to not lose sight of. You are in a city that embraces the gay community, but it is also a city obsessed with the superficial in terms of appearance. Style over substance if you will. You are a man of substance in a paradise of Barbie and Ken dolls. Revel in the fact that they may fit the mold of the ads, but only you have the mind and sense to create them.
 

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