It is never easy to admit defeat but I think it is about time that I do. I am losing the game, match, battle for my true happiness and sanity. I justify my loss as a lesser of two evils but the two evils are not my only choice. As dramatic as this might sound, I believe I am addicted to pornography as my only reliable source to "get off". It is sad but true.
I am in a committed and loving marriage with a kid and amazing support family. I have a great job, drive a great car and travel often. I cook, clean, do the dishes/laundry, take the kid to school, plan romantic getaways, work out often and generally lead a great life. Despite ALL these things that make me extremely grateful, I feel like I cannot use any of my resources as a sounding board to dig my way out of my sexual void, without being judged or persecuted for my current position. I fill this sexual void with random pornography, from Tumblr feeds and video sites to just reading through the throngs of Craislist want ads. What am I looking for OR trying to fill? I want to be wanted again. I want to be with someone that actively loves, understands the give and take while being curious enough to explore. I already have this someone, my wife, but I cannot seem to get that sexually vivacious person back. I say "actively loves", because too many times people passively want their spouse to be happy but do little to nothing to make them happy. I am probably at fault in the same sense of not being actively present in my marriage as I should and because of this, I need to make some changes.
Today is day zero. As of today I will do the following:
I am not doing this because porn is a sin, I don't believe that it is. I am not doing this because God or some holy creature/man/spaghetti monster will ban me from their heaven if I don't stop enjoying myself and life. I am not doing this because I hate porn or think anyone in the porn industry is ruining "marriage". I don't believe porn is the issue, I believe my view and societies view of sex is skewed and I need to take a few steps back and reevaluate my situation with a clean mind.
I am doing this because I care about my happiness and always want more of it. The grass is greener where you water and fertilize it! Ultimately, I am doing this because I love my wife, kid, family and friends. In the end, I will not label myself a recovering porn addict but rather a guy that better understands how to be sexually happy.
Onward to a better understanding of sex and myself.
Mr. G
PS. I have obviously made my business public BUT I would prefer positive, non-religious, non-judgemental feedback / support. If you can support in that way, fantastic! If you can't help but be crappy, well, do your worst!
I am in a committed and loving marriage with a kid and amazing support family. I have a great job, drive a great car and travel often. I cook, clean, do the dishes/laundry, take the kid to school, plan romantic getaways, work out often and generally lead a great life. Despite ALL these things that make me extremely grateful, I feel like I cannot use any of my resources as a sounding board to dig my way out of my sexual void, without being judged or persecuted for my current position. I fill this sexual void with random pornography, from Tumblr feeds and video sites to just reading through the throngs of Craislist want ads. What am I looking for OR trying to fill? I want to be wanted again. I want to be with someone that actively loves, understands the give and take while being curious enough to explore. I already have this someone, my wife, but I cannot seem to get that sexually vivacious person back. I say "actively loves", because too many times people passively want their spouse to be happy but do little to nothing to make them happy. I am probably at fault in the same sense of not being actively present in my marriage as I should and because of this, I need to make some changes.
Today is day zero. As of today I will do the following:
Stop searching for and looking at pornography
I don't think pornograpyh is inherently bad, but as someone pointed out, just like alcohol, too much can be detrimental. So, cold turkey it is. I have thought about a potential outlet (soft core images, something like Literotica, etc.) versus cold turkey but at the moment, All or nothing…I believe this should be my goal.
- Report back to this blog daily
Daily is a must! I will try and outline my progress, my daily thoughts, motivation and side activities that take me away from the dirty dirty!
- Actively engage my wife
This is somewhat ambiguous but its intention is to plan romance, intimate times, sharing times, etc. This could be planning a date night to taking her lingerie shopping…
- Masturbate for me or with "her"
Usually masturbation is accompanied with visual stimulation of some sort (video - images). Masturbating for me is more of a tantric thought on self exploration. A massage if you will, concentrate on pleasing my body, not just my cock. The with "her" means that if I need to concentrate on something, it should be on my wife. We are not in an open relationship so concentrating on being titty-fucked is pointless...
- Replace the triggers
Yes, the triggers will come. Someone will say Katy Perry and I will think breasts > nipples > braless > bouncing > titty fuck….and so on. I need to curb this thought process because it can only lead to one thing, sexual cravings that cannot necessarily be met and a hand down my pants. Sorry Katy for using you as an example, you are more than just breasts. You are like the singing Jenny McCarthy. So, I am going to replace the triggers with other thoughts, distractions or in my case…push ups and making more money. I might be buff and rich by the end of this...
I am not doing this because porn is a sin, I don't believe that it is. I am not doing this because God or some holy creature/man/spaghetti monster will ban me from their heaven if I don't stop enjoying myself and life. I am not doing this because I hate porn or think anyone in the porn industry is ruining "marriage". I don't believe porn is the issue, I believe my view and societies view of sex is skewed and I need to take a few steps back and reevaluate my situation with a clean mind.
I am doing this because I care about my happiness and always want more of it. The grass is greener where you water and fertilize it! Ultimately, I am doing this because I love my wife, kid, family and friends. In the end, I will not label myself a recovering porn addict but rather a guy that better understands how to be sexually happy.
Onward to a better understanding of sex and myself.
Mr. G
PS. I have obviously made my business public BUT I would prefer positive, non-religious, non-judgemental feedback / support. If you can support in that way, fantastic! If you can't help but be crappy, well, do your worst!