I'm writing this because I feel the need to; I see others asking questions about the their lives on this site and sometimes I think these could / should be dealt with by a therapist!
But in truth I've started questioning the therapy I've received over the last 40+ years - on and off.
I've had good jobs, earned good money and underneath have always felt troubled.
My first therapist told me that I could do or be anything I wanted to be but I had no idea what that was!!
So now I want to jump to the time before the covid lockdowns and I was feeling disturbed. Living with a wonderful man in a same-sex-marriage but still feeling disturbed. I hit the google search and asked something like "when is to much therapy too much?" or "how do I know when I should stop therapy?"
I have friends that a psychotherapists. Wonderful people BUT even they have their problems. I started to question why, why, what, what..etc., etc., it is to much to type here for a first entry...
PLUS!! It didn't help when my current therapist - a German psychiatrist - went to sleep during what I would say was a fundamental to me of understanding something about how I processed 'my stuff' and then developed my inner dialogue after being molested at 6 on the way home from school.
The google search lead me to an article by Jonathan Alpert, in the New York Times from 2012 and entitled "In Therapy Forever? Enough Already". Unfortunately, this article is behind a paywall now - Opinion | In Therapy Forever? Enough Already (Published 2012)
However, a few key points from the article were:
Proponents of long-term therapy have argued that severe psychological disorders require years to manage. That may be true, but it’s also true that many therapy patients don’t suffer severe disorders. Anxiety and depression are the top predicaments for which patients seek mental health treatment; schizophrenia is at the bottom of the list.
In my experience, most people seek therapeutic help for discrete, treatable issues: they are stuck in unfulfilling jobs or relationships, they can’t reach their goals, are fearful of change and depressed as a result. It doesn’t take years of therapy to get to the bottom of those kinds of problems. For some of my patients, it doesn’t even take a whole session.
Why? I believe it’s a matter of approach. Many patients need an aggressive therapist who prods them to face what they find uncomfortable: change. They need a therapist’s opinion, advice and structured action plans. They don’t need to talk endlessly about how they feel or about childhood memories.
and the final nail in my coffin was:
If a patient comes to me and tells me she’s been unhappy with her boyfriend for the past year, I don’t ask, as some might, “How do you feel about that?” I already know how she feels about that. She just told me. She’s unhappy. When she asks me what I think she should do, I don’t respond with a return interrogatory, “What do you think you should do?” If she knew, she wouldn’t ask me for my thoughts.
Please remember if reading this, this is my experience. My ego might like to believe that I 'know THE truth' but I can only know MY truth.
It is not that I have not benefitted from the therapy I have received, but, now retired and still having problems with relationships and not moving forward easily in my life.. this should have been dealt with in my twenties!!!
The best therapy I have had is when the therapist has asked specific questions. The one that changed my world was seeing a Work Related therapist and in the 4th session, of my only allowed 6 sessions in total; I was asked "how is it with you and money?"
I broke down and cried. I was earning a nice income and had no money. I then started, at his advice (I had done this before but it nearly drove me crazy) to track my spending). Clearly, I was over spending and being way to generous with friends and going out to eat, much more than I should. After three months - I re-evaluated my habits of spending and became more conscious.
I was such an idiot. I was paying off my over burdened credit card debt of some several thousand each pay day but hadn't noticed that the amount was only half of what I was actually spending!!! Duhhhhh... So to be clear... I had calculated that I needed to pay 200 off my credit card each pay but in fact I was spending 400 in the same time period. That stopped immediately and I increased the payments to match my debt and desperately started not spending or at least paid in cash. My debt was finally paid off after a year or two.
But, my point is that this kind of question from a therapist was more helpful for me than the 'why do you think you parents separated' or 'how did you feel about that?'.
All important to know... BUT during the lockdowns and after the article by Jonathan, I delved into Jordan Peterson. I know that Jordan is not everyone's cup of tea.. but some of his older lectures when he was a Uni Professor are, for me, brilliant.
There is one lecture where he talks about (my words) dealing with your daily life. If I find the URL I will post it for sure, but in the meantime... Jordan sometimes questions how people want to achieve a lot and cannot, but, they are not organised in their daily lives.
I don't think the two are mutually tied together, but, his approach seemed to be - you need to take care of yourself, first. Eat breakfast for example, make your bed, go for a walk.. these little things can give meaning to ones life!
I will finish this first post with : I realise now that I needed a therapist that specifically chased after me for daily activities and not the on going avoidance that I can dish out. It has happened this way sometimes but not enough. I went to my first gay bar because of my Straight therapist at the time. BUT, I needed this over and over with lots of talking about the experience in depth rather than going to my parents or "you can do anything".
edit: I fixed up some spelling and grammar mistakes and added one or two words but nothing seriously changing.. one or two words gave a tiny bit more information.
But in truth I've started questioning the therapy I've received over the last 40+ years - on and off.
I've had good jobs, earned good money and underneath have always felt troubled.
My first therapist told me that I could do or be anything I wanted to be but I had no idea what that was!!
So now I want to jump to the time before the covid lockdowns and I was feeling disturbed. Living with a wonderful man in a same-sex-marriage but still feeling disturbed. I hit the google search and asked something like "when is to much therapy too much?" or "how do I know when I should stop therapy?"
I have friends that a psychotherapists. Wonderful people BUT even they have their problems. I started to question why, why, what, what..etc., etc., it is to much to type here for a first entry...
PLUS!! It didn't help when my current therapist - a German psychiatrist - went to sleep during what I would say was a fundamental to me of understanding something about how I processed 'my stuff' and then developed my inner dialogue after being molested at 6 on the way home from school.
The google search lead me to an article by Jonathan Alpert, in the New York Times from 2012 and entitled "In Therapy Forever? Enough Already". Unfortunately, this article is behind a paywall now - Opinion | In Therapy Forever? Enough Already (Published 2012)
However, a few key points from the article were:
Proponents of long-term therapy have argued that severe psychological disorders require years to manage. That may be true, but it’s also true that many therapy patients don’t suffer severe disorders. Anxiety and depression are the top predicaments for which patients seek mental health treatment; schizophrenia is at the bottom of the list.
In my experience, most people seek therapeutic help for discrete, treatable issues: they are stuck in unfulfilling jobs or relationships, they can’t reach their goals, are fearful of change and depressed as a result. It doesn’t take years of therapy to get to the bottom of those kinds of problems. For some of my patients, it doesn’t even take a whole session.
Why? I believe it’s a matter of approach. Many patients need an aggressive therapist who prods them to face what they find uncomfortable: change. They need a therapist’s opinion, advice and structured action plans. They don’t need to talk endlessly about how they feel or about childhood memories.
and the final nail in my coffin was:
If a patient comes to me and tells me she’s been unhappy with her boyfriend for the past year, I don’t ask, as some might, “How do you feel about that?” I already know how she feels about that. She just told me. She’s unhappy. When she asks me what I think she should do, I don’t respond with a return interrogatory, “What do you think you should do?” If she knew, she wouldn’t ask me for my thoughts.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please remember if reading this, this is my experience. My ego might like to believe that I 'know THE truth' but I can only know MY truth.
It is not that I have not benefitted from the therapy I have received, but, now retired and still having problems with relationships and not moving forward easily in my life.. this should have been dealt with in my twenties!!!
The best therapy I have had is when the therapist has asked specific questions. The one that changed my world was seeing a Work Related therapist and in the 4th session, of my only allowed 6 sessions in total; I was asked "how is it with you and money?"
I broke down and cried. I was earning a nice income and had no money. I then started, at his advice (I had done this before but it nearly drove me crazy) to track my spending). Clearly, I was over spending and being way to generous with friends and going out to eat, much more than I should. After three months - I re-evaluated my habits of spending and became more conscious.
I was such an idiot. I was paying off my over burdened credit card debt of some several thousand each pay day but hadn't noticed that the amount was only half of what I was actually spending!!! Duhhhhh... So to be clear... I had calculated that I needed to pay 200 off my credit card each pay but in fact I was spending 400 in the same time period. That stopped immediately and I increased the payments to match my debt and desperately started not spending or at least paid in cash. My debt was finally paid off after a year or two.
But, my point is that this kind of question from a therapist was more helpful for me than the 'why do you think you parents separated' or 'how did you feel about that?'.
All important to know... BUT during the lockdowns and after the article by Jonathan, I delved into Jordan Peterson. I know that Jordan is not everyone's cup of tea.. but some of his older lectures when he was a Uni Professor are, for me, brilliant.
There is one lecture where he talks about (my words) dealing with your daily life. If I find the URL I will post it for sure, but in the meantime... Jordan sometimes questions how people want to achieve a lot and cannot, but, they are not organised in their daily lives.
I don't think the two are mutually tied together, but, his approach seemed to be - you need to take care of yourself, first. Eat breakfast for example, make your bed, go for a walk.. these little things can give meaning to ones life!
I will finish this first post with : I realise now that I needed a therapist that specifically chased after me for daily activities and not the on going avoidance that I can dish out. It has happened this way sometimes but not enough. I went to my first gay bar because of my Straight therapist at the time. BUT, I needed this over and over with lots of talking about the experience in depth rather than going to my parents or "you can do anything".
edit: I fixed up some spelling and grammar mistakes and added one or two words but nothing seriously changing.. one or two words gave a tiny bit more information.
