"Consensual Nonconsent"

This topic may not be relevant to a lot of people, since it is a BDSM topic, but if you are into BDSM play, you may find this post helpful.

I have always had fantasies about being taken forcefully -- forced oral, vaginal, and anal sex fantasies have produced many a powerful orgasm for me during masturbation sessions.

When I got together with my current husband, ArtfulDominant, he admitted to being turned on by the idea of forcing a woman to have sex.

So, we basically agreed that under our Master/slave dynamic (in which I was to obey him in all things), if a time came when I really didn't want to have sex, it was pre-agreed that it was okay for him to force me.

I (and he) really assumed that if this happened, although I might resist at first, I would quickly become so turned on by the whole thing that all would be forgiven.

Boy, were we wrong.

One evening, he and I had fucked several times already, and were lying in bed together. I was very, very sore -- in those days we were having sex too often for me to heal and I would sometimes be sore even to the point of bleeding.

Anyway, he decided that he wanted to have sex again.

I most decidedly did not.

He began to mount me, and I looked him in the eyes and said, "Please, Master, I beg you -- don't do this!" Under our dynamic, I couldn't just say "no," and for some reason it never even occurred to me to use my safe word. I knew our pre-agreed-upon situation had arrived, and all I could do was plead for him to stop.

But he did not stop. He entered me forcefully and pumped me hard for a while. Then he stopped and pulled out. He never even came.

The whole time he was fucking me, the pain never turned to pleasure like it often does -- I was just too sore for it to be anything but pain. And I think he really didn't realize that I was incapable of getting into it.

When he had finished, I found that I didn't feel even remotely turned on -- I felt nothing but betrayal and anger.

Here was this man who supposedly loved me more than anything on earth, and I had begged him from the heart not to hurt me, and he had done it anyway.

With as much respect as I could still manage to muster, I said, "Master, forgive me for saying so, but that was really, really stupid."

I think that was the first moment he realized how angry I really was and that he had made a serious error.

After I had time to calm down, though, I really didn't blame him. We had set ourselves up for this experience by agreeing to "consensual nonconsent."

Some people think "consensual nonconsent" in a relationship is a good way to live out rape fantasies safely, but I found that in real life, there was nothing pleasurable about it, at least not for me.

We immediately revised our policy on "play-rape" and nothing like that has happened since -- our dynamic is different now anyway and I don't have to obey him in everything.

But I am posting our experience just in case others are considering trying a similar scenario.

I think one of the biggest problems with acting out some BDSM fantasies in a loving relationship is that the love and the brutality just don't mix.

In my fantasies, my Dominants are not nice guys, and we don't have a love relationship. They are there to use and humiliate me, plain and simple.

But I have learned that there are some ways I really just don't want to be used and humiliated in real life. I can't get into those scenes because I know my husband loves me and it is beyond my abilities to imagine him as nothing more than a sadist.

Don't get me wrong, he is a sadist, but he would never knowingly cause me real harm. The few times he has caused me harm, it has been because of miscommunication between us.

At first, I felt disappointed when I realized there was no way to act out my fantasies. But over time I realized that just because something is an enjoyable fantasy doesn't mean you need to make it happen for real.

Especially not rape.

Comments

Interesting story, you are a very interesting woman, write well, spell well and intelligently, very welcome here. I have never really been in a situation like you described above. I have been involved in many different sexual situations and some including couples I have been with have suggested similar situations. I have a problem with the lifestyle and sexual habits in these types of sexual relationships. I have hurt women before in the sexual act, but not purposely and have a problem with hurting someone during a fuck session on purpose, even if they seem to enjoy it. I am surprised that your husband did not realize he was causing you great pain and stop right away, it would be even worse if he realized he was and still did not stop. The last few sentences of your post are quite true and some may want to pay attention to what that actually means when experimenting with sex. As the saying goes, be careful of what you wish for, you may get it.
 
I've always been aggressive and dominant, but it's really only been in the 4-5 years that I've gone from dominant to Dom. I've always maintained that it's the subs who have all the power in such relationships, because Doms can only go as far as the sub will allow before the whole thing goes from consensual to rape/abuse. I use the word "play" even when discussing some very extreme activities in an attempt to confer the fact that nothing is done without consent but use of the term shouldn't be confused with anything "light" in any manner at all.

One thing I've learned as I go deeper and deeper past my own previous limits to meet the limits of the various subs whom I've played with is that it all becomes a question of "scenario": humiliation scenarios, rape scenarios, gangbang scenarios, exhibitionist scenarios, etc. I've learned after having satisfied such various scenarios that unless there's a genuine element of "the real", then it's really just re-enacting some bit of porn one's seen, either that or an acting out in a cinematic fashion of someone's (99% of the time, in my case, it's the sub's) fantasy.

Finding "the real" is not always an easy thing to do, especially with very jaded and/or experienced subs or those with especially high expectations and it usually involves breaking through a limit, though usually an emotional/mental limit rather than the physical-type limit you've described above. Not that weren't some obvious emotional limits shattered in the process, but the pain and sense of betrayal seem to have been caused by an extremely negative physical response, rather than the Dom's attempt at mind-fuck, in a fashion that transcended genuine consent.

I could recount a dozen different adventures in finding "the real" within my own life, but keeping this about you and what happened as you've described it above, It sounds as if, ultimately, you found something you weren't really looking for and got hurt in the process ("hurt" in every sense of the word) despite having expressed a desire to attempt a scenario which by definition defies consent: rape.

Though the Dom probably could have/should have picked up on how your response was one of pain undiluted by pleasure, you held the key to stopping everything the entire time and chose not to use it: namely the safe word. The fact that you did not use the safe word means that your Dom felt both justified and sanctioned to continue as per your agreement to use safe words in the first place. Had you used the safe word, all activity (presumably) would have stopped immediately.

I, myself, don't like playing with safe words. But my range of activities and my choice in partners seems to obviate them. I do not like bondage, for instance, because I find complete passivity an utter bore; I paddle and spank but do not usually flog (a limitation I've set for myself after having had some negative experiences in that regard), though I have and probably will again. My (limited) experiences in blood-sport were all essentially unplanned but ultimately consensual and proved electrifying to both me and the guys involved.

I can remember a single case where I'd gone too far, after hours of hard, rough play, but it came from his lack of communication:I pissed on his face unaware that one of eyes was glass and nearly caused it to become dislodged. Had I known, I'd have avoided the eye (though not the WS, which he otherwise enjoyed). A safe word would not have helped that specific situation, but a simple "don't piss on the left eye" would have done nicely.

Ultimately, this comes back to your unwillingness to employ the safe word. Was there some subconscious part of you that wanted to see how far he'd go before overriding the safe-word agreement? Did you have a subconscious wish to push through by neglecting the safe word? I hope you know how much I respect and admire you, but this one ultimately comes down on you: the Dom was just exercising his prerogatives set by pre-arranged agreement, over which you ultimately had full control.
 
Thanks so much, Bbucko, for your insightful feedback.

You are right -- the safe word would have been the perfect solution, but I did not use it. I think a lot of the reason why is that I have always been very resistant to using my safe word...in fact I still have never used it (although there have only been a few rare occasions where I was pushed far enough to consider it).

I don't know if I am trying to be tough -- it's something like that -- anyway, I was not in the habit of thinking of it. The idea was not in the forefront of my mind.

We do have an agreed upon safe word, though, for all of the standard reasons. I guess that means I should get used to the idea of using it if the situation warrants it.

Thanks also for your comments on finding "the real." You sound like a very skilled, experienced, and insightful Dom.
 
When it was all just a matter of "rough sex" for me, safe words never seemed to even come up: if one or the other was uncomfortable or otherwise displeased with the progress of the session, he could always get up and leave. I did it many times, as did a few guys once or twice with me as well.

Once I first began really exploring the integration of Dom/sub dynamic into play, I considered suggesting safe words, but as the subs were all so much more experienced than me, it really never became an issue. I can only think of two guys who requested them and of those two only used his once, and, frankly, I think it was more a test than a trauma, as his scene was complete humiliation and therefore 95% mindfuck: he just objected to a certain "script" of abusive talk that went deeper than he'd experienced previously and got spooked because it got "too real". On several other occasions I was able to find "the real" with him, which is especially difficult with a humiliation bottom because they constantly are inventing new scenarios, none of which involve "the real" because they know what to expect.

Another, very different type of "the real" involved a young man whom I met online. Prior to agreeing to any play, he wanted to meet in public, which I found acceptable and we met up at a local bar for a couple of beers. When the subject came to bondage, which he wanted, I explained that I much prefer holding someone one down with my arms, torso and legs rather than restraints. He looked at me (all 5'6, 150lbs) and smirked that he could break free any time he wanted, being half may age and both taller and massier (though not necessarily any stronger, as he found out).

I gave him a look and suggested that any attempt to do so would hardly be actions of the ideal submissive he claimed to be and said so in plain English. He'd never considered it from that perspective before: I'd gained his trust as an authority and he'd learned a lesson about both consent and "the real". Later, during the actual session, I put him through an incredible series of stress-positions that greatly diminished his capacity to resist, and what had been a tacit agreement suddenly went completely "real" to his astonishment and complete delight.

Once that barrier was broken, and it occurred rather early in what proved to be a very extended session, I got him to "the real" over and over again. It was one of the five best fucks in a 33 year career. Though I doubt that I shattered any of his actual limits, I do believe that I pushed his endurance to a degree no one previously had achieved. Despite in inclusion of some moderate-to-heavy asphyxiation play, no safe words were used during the session.

It's always a pleasure, B_D: look forward to many other great discussions about such issues.
 

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