"She'd ash on the carpet and slip me a pill and get me pretty loaded on gin"

First off - the title is a quote from Ryan Adams' song "Sylvia Plath" No, I haven't been drinking.

Well.......I went to the hospital yesterday. I was there for a few hours. I had a psych evaluation. I was honest and said that nothing really matters to me anymore. I have no interest in any daily activities. I was feeling overwhelmed but now I don't even care what happens. And it's all true. I just don't have a spark. It's like a hole has been drilled in my body and my spirit has leaked out and evaporated.

I just feel like a defective model. I feel that my mental illness outweighs anything else that's good about me. Like a higher power put me on here with a lot of natural gifts: creativity, intelligence, an above average penis........but it's all for naught. I feel like I've been cursed by my mental illness. Like I will never see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I just fear that my life will never get any better....The only glimmer of hope came from some words my mother spoke when she picked me up from the hospital. We were talking to the doctor there. He was asking about the pills I was on previous to what I'm on now. When she mentioned Lithium, she said, "but he had a very bad reaction to it, he was always talking and didn't sleep much and looked kind of manic"

HELLO! I think it was the only time that I was a functional human being. She mistook this "mania" for being normal, for getting rid of this chemical imbalance. I want to try lithium again. I have a doctor's appointment on Friday with my psychiatrist and I'm going to beg for it.

It worked for my ex-girlfriend. I have to say I still miss her. At the time, she was diagnosed as bipolar. Even though she was in Cali and I was in Wisconsin, it was amazing to talk with someone who knew where I was coming from. However, I recently found out from her that she was not actually bipolar at all and was mistakenly diagnosed. I should have felt happy that she wasn't cursed with this illness, but instead I felt like I had been betrayed....

I still think about her sometimes. I remember how she said we should get married. How she said that if I stay in NY I'd be 3000 miles from where she wanted to be. She was everything to me, and I blew it. I dumped her. Because an internet relationship is not real. Idiocy. The girls I've met in college were nothing like her. They were girls. She was a woman. She was 3 years older than me, and far more intelligent. She challenged me. One thing I hate is when women simply agree with everything I say. I don't want a polyester bride.

In all, the thing I remember most about her is how she said if we had kids, they'd either find the cure for cancer or be complete basket cases.

But she's happy now and has been with her boyfriend for 4 years. She's not sick anymore. She's got her life in order. Still, I wonder if I didn't meet her at such a weird point in my life if I'd be in California now, and married, with kids, and maybe, maybe, I'd be happy.

.......

I just hope the doctors can patch me together. Make me normal. And most importantly, I wish people could understand what it's like. I just wish when people looked at me they wouldn't think I have everything. I'm not going to get into an argument over what's harder: having a disability, being a minority, being a woman, or being queer.... but in reality, if you fall into any of these groups, you are inferior in the American power structure. I tried to hide who I was.....but it came out. It had to. How could I disguise it? Why should I disguise it?

I don't know. There's probably no logical sequence to these ideas. I just can't wait for Friday.

Comments

mental health is vastly overrated by modern humans. madmen have been the lightning strike kindling for all cultural evolution. in days gone by you would have fathered revolutions. madness should be the impetus of genius. woe women, spew truth, resurrect the elegantly wasted libertine ideal.

happy is fleeting. misery will keep you company when everyone loses interest.

you really should listen to Hurray for the Riff Raff. MySpace.com - hurray for the riff raff - new orleans, Louisiana - Melodramatic Popular Song / Thrash / Blues - www.myspace.com/hurrayfortheriffraff

ML
 

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