Scared to death of losing.

My entire life has been filled with loss. At least, that's the way I've perceived it. It's one of those situations where you feel like it's all that ever happened in your life, person after person leaving you... that no good happened at all. But when you think about it, you know you've probably experienced some good as well. But anyway. When I think about my past, all I can seem to focus on is the amount of people I have loved and lost, and I'm pretty tired of it, really. My parents divorced when I was 3, which meant 12-ish years of very little contact with my father. My eldest brother committed suicide when I was 5. From the ages of 7 to 15, I moved so many times, I've lost track. 6 elementary schools (three in 4th grade alone), one middle school, two high schools. Making friends wasn't something I did often, because I knew I'd just be leaving them again - and I was wickedly shy, so it took me ages to warm up to anyone anyway. My mom remarried and divorced again when I was 6. Remarried and divorced again when I was around 10 or 11. Then she passed away four years ago. Her mother passed away earlier this year. My great aunt is now diagnosed with cancer and probably won't be around long. My stepfather, whom my mom married when I was 16 and was with until her death 8 years later, basically doesn't want anything to do with me. He promised my mom that we'd still be family after she passed, but that was a big fucking lie. He lives a mile away from me and I talk to him once or twice a year, and that's only when I make attempts to contact him. He always seems happy to hear from me, and he'll stop whatever he's doing to talk to me and get caught up on my life and my sons life and everything else, but he never calls to make plans or anything.

Now I'm 28 years old. Single mother. Amazing boyfriend. And I'm starting to get all weird and panicky about losing more people. Like I mentioned my great aunt was diagnosed with cancer. She and I were never particularly close, and she wasn't around at all when I was growing up. But I'm petrified now about my risks for cancer. (My mother and one of my brothers died from cancer, and now my aunt has it.) I'm scared to death that I'm going to die at a very young age. I have this awesome boyfriend who lives in Houston but is planning on moving up here permanently in December, and I'm scared to death about losing him as well. Not that he'll leave me, but just accidents. Health issues, car accident, something. And he'll just be gone, like everyone else in my life has been. Then there's my meth-addicted, HIV+ older brother who's shaky on taking his HIV meds and keeps relapsing on meth. I'm worried that if drugs and HIV don't kill him first, he'll take his own life. I'm angry as hell at him, and also petrified that I'm going to lose him. He's the ONLY person that has been in my life from the day I've been born until now. Despite the drama he brings with him, he's also a comfort to me. And then we have my 70 year old diabetic father who refuses to quit doing hardcore physical labor jobs despite numerous health conditions and doctors that tell him not to. He and I have formed a pretty decent relationship over the past 10 years and since my mother is gone, he's sort of become my rock. I don't want to lose him either. I'm not worried as much about losing my son, oddly enough. I think that's partly because I'm more "in control" of his life and am around more to protect him. But, I'm petrified that I'M going to die and leave him without a parent.

I'm not really sure what to do about any of this. If someone dies, they die... there isn't much I can do. I just worry that with everything I've been dealing with emotionally, losing any of these people would send me into a nervous breakdown and I'd end up having to admit myself somewhere for 24 hours psychiatric care so I didn't completely lose my mind. I'm not sure how much more I can handle. I do my best to stay positive, these thoughts aren't things I think about 24/7... but they occur well more often than I'd like, that's for sure.

Just trying to stay positive. Trying to tell myself that I'm a strong, healthy individual that can get through anything. *pats back*

Comments

Aw, seriously *cyber hug* to you. What you wrote about your boyfriend in your previous blog really got me thinking. A lot of women on this site have gotten me thinking. But I literally read your blog outloud to a girl friend. Stay strong, you have something special in your life. You know how it is, either you give it your all and risk everything or hold something back and MISS everything. Live each day like there's no tomorrow with those people so you don't regret one moment.
 
I feel where you are coming from. Right now, in my life, there are a lot of circumstances that at times make me feel entirely overwhelmed and wonder how I'm going to make it through. At least for me at times like this, I find a professional "therapist/counselor" can be of enormous help. The important thing is to be entirely honest with them and to tell them everything that you are feeling. Yesterday I finally picked up the "two ton" telephone and called my doctor for a "mental health" referral. Today I met with a social worker to determine which therapist in my area would be best for my situation. Even taking these small steps has already made me feel better and like I'M the one in charge of my own mental health......Hang in their Meg. Listen to all the youtube vids that people have been making for gay teens not to commit suicide. Just pretend that they're talking to you and addressing your unique situation. It gets better.
 
hugs to you
yes death is part of life is is never easy for the us the living to see our friends and loved ones go.
just make the most of the time you have together and share happy memories and oh yes plenty of pictures too
my best wishes and hugs to you
I am 43 and I can tell you you will have very bad times you have to sometimes just get through them.
 
Aw Meg...you have indeed had a lot of loss. I wish I didn't know anything about loss, but unfortunately I do. So my heart goes out to you - I know a lot about fear. So here's a couple of things I learned:

I never let a chance go by to tell people how I feel about them. If I love you, you'll know. If I think you're smart, or smell good, or work hard - you'll know.

When I'm with people I love - I savour every minute. I find I memorize their faces, the way they sound, the way it feels to hug them. I enjoy each moment - even the fighting or arguing because this is who they are - it's who we are together.

Focus on what you have - and not what you've lost. You've blogged on loss, maybe tomorrow blog on what you have. You have a son - sons are fascinating and frustrating and such a challenge to raise. You have a man who loves you - who makes you feel like the most desirable woman in the world. You are 28 and you have never been more beautiful in your life! You have control over how many schools your son goes to, or how many times you move. You are a wonderful writer and I know you have the respect of the people here.

When you look at it, fear of loss turned around means that you have things that are worth something to you. You have a life that means something.
 
Meg, I can only concur with much of the above, especially LaFemme's comments. I too have experienced terrible and heartbreaking loss but I cannot pretend to know the depths of despair you sometimes feel - we are all unique in the way we deal with loss. I would urge you to focus more on what joys you did have and what beautiful memories you still hold, and of course you have a wonderful boyfriend and a son to cherish. Rather than look back through a veil of tears, try counting your blessings both past and present and treat every new day as an opportunity to create more wonderful memories for yourself and those who know and love you. God speed.
 
Thanks for the kinds words, guys. I'm doing better now. :) I used to suffer from severe depression, and was hospitalized for about a week when I was 16 for cutting my arms with razorblades. Yeah, I was a "cutter". I saw a psychologist for a few months after that and I did a complete 180. I don't feel really "depressed", but I think I am anyway. I'm not about to cut myself again or anything, I've grown well beyond that, but the past year or so I've just been very... "meh". Very bored, lazier, not really motivated to do much of anything. I just got health insurance again, I'm going to schedule an appointment with my new doctor for a check up, and see if I can't get a referral to a therapist of some kind. :3
 
I know that you are concerned about loss. I have to say that you cannot control loss of anything and anyone. That is a hard fact.

I have lost a great deal of people I loved and liked over time. It DOES hurt. You get over it by dealing with it. (That is how it goes.) Instead of trying to hold on, you let go. And you eventually will have to. You don't have to let go of the good things and the memories of how they made you feel while you had them in your life. You honor people by becoming the best of who they were and implementing that into your life. That way, those people never really die...they live on with you.

You don't have to be SUPERWOMAN...heart of steel. If you need to cry...get mad...be alone..., you can go somewhere and cry. You get utilize that anger and go for a brisk walk...or rant for a period of time...write in a journal...get some exercise. If you need to be alone...go somewhere. Have alone time.

Life goes on. Hurt goes hand-in-hand with happiness. No one has a perfect happy life. Everyone has their own issues to deal with...you aren't alone in what you are going through. TRUST ME ON THAT.
 

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