My entire life has been filled with loss. At least, that's the way I've perceived it. It's one of those situations where you feel like it's all that ever happened in your life, person after person leaving you... that no good happened at all. But when you think about it, you know you've probably experienced some good as well. But anyway. When I think about my past, all I can seem to focus on is the amount of people I have loved and lost, and I'm pretty tired of it, really. My parents divorced when I was 3, which meant 12-ish years of very little contact with my father. My eldest brother committed suicide when I was 5. From the ages of 7 to 15, I moved so many times, I've lost track. 6 elementary schools (three in 4th grade alone), one middle school, two high schools. Making friends wasn't something I did often, because I knew I'd just be leaving them again - and I was wickedly shy, so it took me ages to warm up to anyone anyway. My mom remarried and divorced again when I was 6. Remarried and divorced again when I was around 10 or 11. Then she passed away four years ago. Her mother passed away earlier this year. My great aunt is now diagnosed with cancer and probably won't be around long. My stepfather, whom my mom married when I was 16 and was with until her death 8 years later, basically doesn't want anything to do with me. He promised my mom that we'd still be family after she passed, but that was a big fucking lie. He lives a mile away from me and I talk to him once or twice a year, and that's only when I make attempts to contact him. He always seems happy to hear from me, and he'll stop whatever he's doing to talk to me and get caught up on my life and my sons life and everything else, but he never calls to make plans or anything.
Now I'm 28 years old. Single mother. Amazing boyfriend. And I'm starting to get all weird and panicky about losing more people. Like I mentioned my great aunt was diagnosed with cancer. She and I were never particularly close, and she wasn't around at all when I was growing up. But I'm petrified now about my risks for cancer. (My mother and one of my brothers died from cancer, and now my aunt has it.) I'm scared to death that I'm going to die at a very young age. I have this awesome boyfriend who lives in Houston but is planning on moving up here permanently in December, and I'm scared to death about losing him as well. Not that he'll leave me, but just accidents. Health issues, car accident, something. And he'll just be gone, like everyone else in my life has been. Then there's my meth-addicted, HIV+ older brother who's shaky on taking his HIV meds and keeps relapsing on meth. I'm worried that if drugs and HIV don't kill him first, he'll take his own life. I'm angry as hell at him, and also petrified that I'm going to lose him. He's the ONLY person that has been in my life from the day I've been born until now. Despite the drama he brings with him, he's also a comfort to me. And then we have my 70 year old diabetic father who refuses to quit doing hardcore physical labor jobs despite numerous health conditions and doctors that tell him not to. He and I have formed a pretty decent relationship over the past 10 years and since my mother is gone, he's sort of become my rock. I don't want to lose him either. I'm not worried as much about losing my son, oddly enough. I think that's partly because I'm more "in control" of his life and am around more to protect him. But, I'm petrified that I'M going to die and leave him without a parent.
I'm not really sure what to do about any of this. If someone dies, they die... there isn't much I can do. I just worry that with everything I've been dealing with emotionally, losing any of these people would send me into a nervous breakdown and I'd end up having to admit myself somewhere for 24 hours psychiatric care so I didn't completely lose my mind. I'm not sure how much more I can handle. I do my best to stay positive, these thoughts aren't things I think about 24/7... but they occur well more often than I'd like, that's for sure.
Just trying to stay positive. Trying to tell myself that I'm a strong, healthy individual that can get through anything. *pats back*
Now I'm 28 years old. Single mother. Amazing boyfriend. And I'm starting to get all weird and panicky about losing more people. Like I mentioned my great aunt was diagnosed with cancer. She and I were never particularly close, and she wasn't around at all when I was growing up. But I'm petrified now about my risks for cancer. (My mother and one of my brothers died from cancer, and now my aunt has it.) I'm scared to death that I'm going to die at a very young age. I have this awesome boyfriend who lives in Houston but is planning on moving up here permanently in December, and I'm scared to death about losing him as well. Not that he'll leave me, but just accidents. Health issues, car accident, something. And he'll just be gone, like everyone else in my life has been. Then there's my meth-addicted, HIV+ older brother who's shaky on taking his HIV meds and keeps relapsing on meth. I'm worried that if drugs and HIV don't kill him first, he'll take his own life. I'm angry as hell at him, and also petrified that I'm going to lose him. He's the ONLY person that has been in my life from the day I've been born until now. Despite the drama he brings with him, he's also a comfort to me. And then we have my 70 year old diabetic father who refuses to quit doing hardcore physical labor jobs despite numerous health conditions and doctors that tell him not to. He and I have formed a pretty decent relationship over the past 10 years and since my mother is gone, he's sort of become my rock. I don't want to lose him either. I'm not worried as much about losing my son, oddly enough. I think that's partly because I'm more "in control" of his life and am around more to protect him. But, I'm petrified that I'M going to die and leave him without a parent.
I'm not really sure what to do about any of this. If someone dies, they die... there isn't much I can do. I just worry that with everything I've been dealing with emotionally, losing any of these people would send me into a nervous breakdown and I'd end up having to admit myself somewhere for 24 hours psychiatric care so I didn't completely lose my mind. I'm not sure how much more I can handle. I do my best to stay positive, these thoughts aren't things I think about 24/7... but they occur well more often than I'd like, that's for sure.
Just trying to stay positive. Trying to tell myself that I'm a strong, healthy individual that can get through anything. *pats back*