Sex Diary - Recollections and recriminations

Recollections

Damn. I was reading my last entry and I just can't remember a few of those sexual episodes. The Brit I find very attractive and we've been together more than once. But the airport guy and the city guy . . . ? I just completely blank, I have no idea who they were/are. Isn't that weird? This diary was my attempt not to forget the sex I've had, but as soon as I go very brief on the details, haha, a bit of a failure there.

I've gone away and prepared dinner and I still can't even conjure up anything - what building? What floor? What kind of apartment? Ha. I don't know.

My last note about the threesome - well that did go ahead, and it lead to a four month relationship with one of the men. He lives outside the city so I had to travel about 50 mins each way to see him. Two weeks ago I receive a voice mail telling me not to come back - his feelings are changed. That has been quite painful for me - because he seemed so eager to establish intimacy, exclusive dating and the beginnings of relationship with me at the start.

The threesome was really good - flowed so well, no one was left out. Very easy to interact with both bodies. I was really impressed.
Recriminations

I think my partner broke up with me because he was dissatisfied with our sex life.

The last sex I had with my boyfriend was his first time topping. It was not good, painful, with not regard for my body and no warm up other than three seconds with one finger. That really wasn't good enough. I had a swollen blood vessel for about a week and an ache for one week longer. I tried to make this turn out good - suggesting we have sex 'tonight', but his clean out didn't go well so he cancelled sex. Leaving the pain and disappointment as our last time being intimate.

I told him early on in dating that men tell me a story of who they are, but they are rarely that thing the tell me; and that men don't treat me like their last partner - never really giving me an actual shot, never letting down walls. What a useless preamble that was as he is now the gold standard of this pattern. Speech that did not match actions, and withholding his heart while allowing me to risk mine.​

Hope

But as a single man I get to FUCK again. I am getting back in touch with a few of my old fuck buddies and so forth. I feel very raw and hurt still. Although this morning was the first time I managed to sleep right through and not wake at 4:30am with heart pounding.

I've logged back into Grindr, which hasn't been easy. But I know once I get back into the swing of having good sex with men, that this relationship will just melt away.​

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Shofixti
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