Some of my favorite jokes #2

MY FAVORITES #2
(Post Page 2 of 2)*

Jokes, Courtesy of the Maxim Mobile Website. *Hope you get a good laugh or two from these funny jokes. *Write to me and tell me which one is your favorite! **

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Two doctors and an HMO manager are killed in a train wreck and line up at the Pearly Gates for admission to heaven. Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves.

One doctor steps forward and says, “I was a pediatric spinal surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities.”

Saint Peter says, “Enter.”

The other doctor says, “I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people.”

Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven, too.

The third applicant steps forward and says, “I was an HMO manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care.”

Saint Peter tells him, “You can come in, too.”

As the HMO manager walks by, Saint Peter adds, “But you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”

-------*

Late one evening, an officer was parked outside a local bar. He noticed a man leaving the bar who was so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing. After the intoxicated man had tried his keys on five different vehicles, he managed to find his car and fall into the driver's seat.*

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off, flicked the indicators on, tooted the horn, and then finally switched on the lights. He remained stationery for a few more minutes as more cars left the parking lot. After what seemed like an eternity, he pulled out of the lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over, and carried out a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station; this equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it,” said the man, “tonight I’m the designated decoy.”

------

In a city park stood two beautiful statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many, many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, “Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire.” And with that command, the statues came to life.

The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.

After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, “You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?”

The male statue looked at the female and asked, “Do you want to do it again?”

Smiling, the female statue said, “Sure. But this time you hold down the pigeon and I'll crap on it’s head!”

-----

A small zoo in Alabama acquires a rare gorilla, who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating.

The zookeeper approaches a redneck janitor with a proposition. “Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500?” he asks.

The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three conditions: “First, I don’t want to have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this.” The zookeeper agrees to the conditions and asks about the third.*

“Well,” says the janitor, “I’m gonna need another week to come up with the $500.”

------*

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a rolled up magazine.

“What the hell was that for?” he asked.

“That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,” she replied.

“But you don’t understand,” he pleaded. “Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.”

“Oh honey, I’m sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.”

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, “What was that for?” he begged.

“Your horse just called!”

------

A timid man was tired of being bossed around by his wife, so one day he decided to visit a therapist. She gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. When he reached his house, the man stormed inside and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director?," his wife answered.

-----

A 60-year-old man is getting his annual physical.

“Doc, do you think I’ll live another 40 years so I can reach 100?” he asks.

“That depends,” says the doctor. “Do you smoke?”

“No.”

“Do you drink?”*

“No.”

“Do you fool around with loose women?”

“Of course not.”

“Well, then,” says the doctor. “Why the hell do you want to live for another 40 years?”

------*

A guy walks into a bar and see a large jar filled nearly to the top with $20 bills. He asks the bartender what the jar is for.

"Well," says the bartender, "you just have to complete three tasks and you can have all the money in that jar. If you fail, you have to add a $20 bill to the jar."

The guys takes one looks at all the money in the jar and asks the bartender about the three tasks.

"One, you have to drink this bottle of Tequila in under a minute. Two, you have to remove a tooth from the mean old pit bull out back. And three, you have to make love to the 90 year old virgin upstairs."

The man thinks about it a minute and agrees. He grabs a hold of the Tequila and starts chugging it. He slams the bottle down on the bar and asks for the time.

"Fifty-seven seconds!" shouts the bartender. By this time a small crowd has gathered and they all erupt in applause.

The man sits down on a bar stool to compose himself. After a few minutes he slurs "Okay, wherth's this dog at?" The bartender points to the door that leads out back. The man heads through the door an immediately the crowd hears barking and growling and a ferocious racket. There's no sound at all for a few moments. Then the man re-appears. He has scratch and bit marks all over, his face is bloodied and his clothes are practically torn off. The crowd gasps.*

The man stands there in silence and finally says "Okay, now where's the old lady with the bad tooth?"

-----
*
The madam of a brothel has a problem, so she goes to a local priest. "I have two talking female parrots," she tells him. "All they can say is ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’"

"That’s awful," the priest agrees, "but I have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots whom I’ve taught to pray and read the Bible. If we put your parrots with mine, I believe yours will stop saying that awful phrase and will instead learn to recite the word of God."

The next day, the madame brings her parrots to the priest’s house and puts them in with the male parrots, who are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

"Hi, we’re prostitutes." say the females. "Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other and squawks, "Close that Bible, Frank! Our prayers are answered!"

-----

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the phone book and sure enough, there's an ad for "bear removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.*

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a mean old pit bull.*

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.*

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his crotch and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."*

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "So, what's this for then?" asks the homeowner.*

The bear remover replies, "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

******

Laughter really is the best medine! *Have a good joke you'd like to share here on my blog? *Please add by commenting below, and have a funny day! *

See more fun jokes, provocative thoughts, comments and questions, plus scintillating tidbits in my LPSG blog here: *
http://www.lpsg.org/blogs/flowerchick/

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