Syndrome

So today was pretty good.

Last week i quit smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day cold turkey. I was sick as a dog from withdrawals.

I was unable to sleep for more than 2 hours at a time and didn't want to take anything so i wouldn't replace one drug with another so to speak. so i had insomnia and was exhausted all the time.
Finally i couldn't take feeling like such shit anymore so i broke down and went back to smoking.
Last night after smoking and having 2 glasses of wine i slept the best i have slept since i quit smoking.

That's just general background information.

Today i went and got a hair cut. Chi-chi salon place. Etched concrete floors, stainless steel everywhere, mirrors, techno music - the only people that work there are HOTTTTTTTT women that are super flirty and fetch drinks at a moments notice.
So haircut was good, nice head massage et. al.
got seriously looked at and checked out by really hot women. so of course i batted my eyes and smiled back and laughed when i saw them checking out my crotch in mirrors.

so ok. got a hair cut. then met my friend josh for coffee at trendy espresso bar. turns out, the woman that owns it is some party girl i hooked up with in a drunken stupor many years back. ironic that my blonde memory is better than her brunette, smokey eyed blue one.

A friend of mine had to drop his kid off at the hunt club and had a couple hours on his hands so we went out for dinner and drinks. always good to catch up with friends.

while out at dinner and drinks, i saw a lot of people i know. that's nice. as a result i was invited to parties and get togethers and w/e.
when Josh and i were out earlier, people saw me there and called people. it seems that after a long period of being off the social/party/just go out and get coffee/be seen in public scene that all of a sudden when i am spotted people call other people.
wtf is that shit?

i was happy to see my friend josh for coffee, great to see my friend joe for dinner and drinks. but that's it. i spent time with them b/c i wanted to see them. seeing them in public doesn't mean i want more phone calls and invites. but that's what i got.

Moving on - i have never had a high self esteem or self opinion and i am bewildered when people have/do think well of me. Kind of like i look over my shoulder and ask 'who?what?' when people proffer compliments.

tonight i caught glimpse of myself in a mirror and thought "wow. good looking. nice cheek bones, straight nose, square jaw, great smile, white teeth, thin frame, nice shoulders, thin waist, nice ass."
If i saw me, i would think those things. But i am me and i am those things but i don't see those things about me. I don't believe those things about me and don't know what to do when people think them about me.
I am spawn of models, and dated models in college and just after and those beautiful girls had the same thing going. I thought they were beautiful along with the rest of the world, but they didn't see it, feel it or know it. I could never understand that. it made no sense to me.
people have told me i am beautiful but i don't believe them, never have.
I wonder - is there some kind of syndrome that people are unable to clearly understand and believe that they are physically acceptable when to the outside world they are above average?

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I wonder - is there some kind of syndrome that people are unable to clearly understand and believe that they are physically acceptable when to the outside world they are above average?

There's lots of different terms for that depending on the form it takes. In many people it becomes anorexia. For others it becomes low self-esteem. I fall into the latter group. I'm way too lazy and love food to much to be anorexic. :tongue::wink:
 
I have found that attractive people want to around others who are deemed of same quality...and yet the shallow of such behavior is a turn off...looking over your shoulder as such has now struck you as same...Bud...you may be getting older and wiser...fuck i hate when that happens don't you...
 

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