So today was pretty good.
Last week i quit smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day cold turkey. I was sick as a dog from withdrawals.
I was unable to sleep for more than 2 hours at a time and didn't want to take anything so i wouldn't replace one drug with another so to speak. so i had insomnia and was exhausted all the time.
Finally i couldn't take feeling like such shit anymore so i broke down and went back to smoking.
Last night after smoking and having 2 glasses of wine i slept the best i have slept since i quit smoking.
That's just general background information.
Today i went and got a hair cut. Chi-chi salon place. Etched concrete floors, stainless steel everywhere, mirrors, techno music - the only people that work there are HOTTTTTTTT women that are super flirty and fetch drinks at a moments notice.
So haircut was good, nice head massage et. al.
got seriously looked at and checked out by really hot women. so of course i batted my eyes and smiled back and laughed when i saw them checking out my crotch in mirrors.
so ok. got a hair cut. then met my friend josh for coffee at trendy espresso bar. turns out, the woman that owns it is some party girl i hooked up with in a drunken stupor many years back. ironic that my blonde memory is better than her brunette, smokey eyed blue one.
A friend of mine had to drop his kid off at the hunt club and had a couple hours on his hands so we went out for dinner and drinks. always good to catch up with friends.
while out at dinner and drinks, i saw a lot of people i know. that's nice. as a result i was invited to parties and get togethers and w/e.
when Josh and i were out earlier, people saw me there and called people. it seems that after a long period of being off the social/party/just go out and get coffee/be seen in public scene that all of a sudden when i am spotted people call other people.
wtf is that shit?
i was happy to see my friend josh for coffee, great to see my friend joe for dinner and drinks. but that's it. i spent time with them b/c i wanted to see them. seeing them in public doesn't mean i want more phone calls and invites. but that's what i got.
Moving on - i have never had a high self esteem or self opinion and i am bewildered when people have/do think well of me. Kind of like i look over my shoulder and ask 'who?what?' when people proffer compliments.
tonight i caught glimpse of myself in a mirror and thought "wow. good looking. nice cheek bones, straight nose, square jaw, great smile, white teeth, thin frame, nice shoulders, thin waist, nice ass."
If i saw me, i would think those things. But i am me and i am those things but i don't see those things about me. I don't believe those things about me and don't know what to do when people think them about me.
I am spawn of models, and dated models in college and just after and those beautiful girls had the same thing going. I thought they were beautiful along with the rest of the world, but they didn't see it, feel it or know it. I could never understand that. it made no sense to me.
people have told me i am beautiful but i don't believe them, never have.
I wonder - is there some kind of syndrome that people are unable to clearly understand and believe that they are physically acceptable when to the outside world they are above average?
Last week i quit smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day cold turkey. I was sick as a dog from withdrawals.
I was unable to sleep for more than 2 hours at a time and didn't want to take anything so i wouldn't replace one drug with another so to speak. so i had insomnia and was exhausted all the time.
Finally i couldn't take feeling like such shit anymore so i broke down and went back to smoking.
Last night after smoking and having 2 glasses of wine i slept the best i have slept since i quit smoking.
That's just general background information.
Today i went and got a hair cut. Chi-chi salon place. Etched concrete floors, stainless steel everywhere, mirrors, techno music - the only people that work there are HOTTTTTTTT women that are super flirty and fetch drinks at a moments notice.
So haircut was good, nice head massage et. al.
got seriously looked at and checked out by really hot women. so of course i batted my eyes and smiled back and laughed when i saw them checking out my crotch in mirrors.
so ok. got a hair cut. then met my friend josh for coffee at trendy espresso bar. turns out, the woman that owns it is some party girl i hooked up with in a drunken stupor many years back. ironic that my blonde memory is better than her brunette, smokey eyed blue one.
A friend of mine had to drop his kid off at the hunt club and had a couple hours on his hands so we went out for dinner and drinks. always good to catch up with friends.
while out at dinner and drinks, i saw a lot of people i know. that's nice. as a result i was invited to parties and get togethers and w/e.
when Josh and i were out earlier, people saw me there and called people. it seems that after a long period of being off the social/party/just go out and get coffee/be seen in public scene that all of a sudden when i am spotted people call other people.
wtf is that shit?
i was happy to see my friend josh for coffee, great to see my friend joe for dinner and drinks. but that's it. i spent time with them b/c i wanted to see them. seeing them in public doesn't mean i want more phone calls and invites. but that's what i got.
Moving on - i have never had a high self esteem or self opinion and i am bewildered when people have/do think well of me. Kind of like i look over my shoulder and ask 'who?what?' when people proffer compliments.
tonight i caught glimpse of myself in a mirror and thought "wow. good looking. nice cheek bones, straight nose, square jaw, great smile, white teeth, thin frame, nice shoulders, thin waist, nice ass."
If i saw me, i would think those things. But i am me and i am those things but i don't see those things about me. I don't believe those things about me and don't know what to do when people think them about me.
I am spawn of models, and dated models in college and just after and those beautiful girls had the same thing going. I thought they were beautiful along with the rest of the world, but they didn't see it, feel it or know it. I could never understand that. it made no sense to me.
people have told me i am beautiful but i don't believe them, never have.
I wonder - is there some kind of syndrome that people are unable to clearly understand and believe that they are physically acceptable when to the outside world they are above average?