That... Feeling

So this is a feeling that tends to come and go. And it's one I haven't felt in quite a bit of time. Feels like a damn long time, to be honest. Being one who doesn't really get bored in my own company and tend to always find something to do to pass time, even if it's dwelling in my own head, I find that I'm starting to maybe feel rather detached - getting caught in a slight feeling of loneliness. It's been a long time since I've been with someone intimately, in both the physical and mental and emotional plane of myself all at the same time.

I'm not one to ever have much luck when it comes to relationships and it seems the only time I have something close to appreciation and "happiness" with someone, I'm the temptation, the "other guy" because they're already in a committed relationship. These past few months to a year I've been getting tired of being that guy. I've developed a bit of a rep as being that guy and it has sent impulses of annoyance and disappointment within myself. Its been a source of entertainment with some people and others who don't understand just how sad I actually feel about these situations. I've made an effort to say no and reject everyone who has an attachment to someone already and found myself really pissed when someone I rejected, a former "regular" responded to me, "We'll see how long this lasts." So that's what's expected of me, huh?

The ones who do show interests and are available, I find myself being desensitized to a point well I just don't get that invested anymore. I'll show interest, but I no longer pursue. Tired of constantly chasing something that leads to nowhere but a wasted time of a dead end. And awkwardly, it seems when I'm mostly pushing people away for my own sanity, that's when more people show interest. And it doesn't help that lately I'm finding myself horny as hell, yet still I'm casually pushing some people away. I don't think it's to save me from being hurt because I've realized the last few times things didn't work out, I've been able to move on without much headaches or any lost feelings, just the thought that I've learned something from it, whether it's the whole dating "game" or something about myself.

Hmm... tomorrow I'll just forget bout this emotion and feeling and be content in my skin again. None of my moods and feelings ever seem to last too long anyway.

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D_22
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