Graeme and I stayed in touch over the years via Christmas and Birthday cards and the very occasional letter or postcard. No sentimental drivel, indeed nothing much other than updates on how our careers were progressing. He completed his studies and became a PhysEd teacher. My own studies and a gratifying series of promotions took me to many parts of Australia and several overseas countries.
For a brief period I thought "Well, I guess I must be gay" and so, in various cities, I went to gay discos and saunas looking for sex, inspiration and some sort of sign. I even frequented the occasional "beat" for quick, anonymous fumblings. I had casual sex with a few guys but at no stage was I truly comfortable with what I was doing. Yes, I enjoyed the sexual release, but nearly everyone I met seemed shallow and overly focused on the physical. I cannot recall a single worthwhile conversation. I soon wearied of those who seemed deliberately effeminate and, sexually, I was not what dedicated Tops were looking for.
It came to me, eventually, that besides a career, all I really wanted was to settle down and raise a family. I was passionate about wanting to be a father and I wasn't the least passionate about being "gay" - moreover, I wasn't particularly good at it. My only deeply enjoyable experience of sex with another guy had been a subset of that intense friendship with Graeme, and I had come to view that as some sort of phase in my growth to manhood, almost a rite of passage that marked the end of youth and uncertainty.
So I gave up trying to be anything other than what I was at heart - a likeable, personable young guy, with my fair share of good looks and intelligence. I started to date and eventually met my future wife. It was to be a relationship based on love rather than lust and we both settled happily into married life.
I still retained an awareness that there was a gay world out there too, but, while being entirely tolerant of that world, I felt no need or desire to re-enter it. I never visited another beat or sauna, not out of disdain, but simply because I no longer wanted to. I was happy being a husband and father to a growing family.
Then came the phone call from Graeme asking if I would be best man at his approaching wedding in Sydney. Seven years had passed and he was now twenty-six and I was nearing thirty.
When I showed my wife his letter, she had a "What's the problem look?" on her face. No way could we afford the trip for both of us, and my wife would be more than six months pregnant by the time of the wedding, but she thought I should accept the honour being extended to me by such a long-standing friend.
I'd told her a great deal about my life as a young guy in remote mining towns, but not every most intimate detail. Now, however, I decided that honesty dictated that I tell her a bit more about the summer of the Activities Guy.
If you're lucky in life, you get the partner you need and deserve. My wife did not go into hysterics. Like me, she had liberal and broadminded views and opinions, and, also, like me, she didn't have any problem with same-sex relationships. The Godfather of our first child was my wife's brother. He was gay, as were several other people with whom we socialised.
My wife asked me if I'd ever done things with guys behind her back and I was able to assure her that I never had and never would. Interestingly, she told me that her brother had once begged her to promise that, if ever she left me, she'd pass me on to him! We laughed about that, and my wife also went on to tell me of a passionate crush she'd had on another girl whilst at boarding school.
Anyway, my wife and I agreed that it was right and proper that I stand as Graeme's best man on his big day. I rang to tell him so and explained I was coming solo to cut costs. He immediately insisted I stay at his place rather than at a hotel - his bride-to-be would not be moving in till after the honeymoon - and, with some trepidation, I accepted his offer.
It was good to see him on arrival at the airport. We hugged each other tightly and I was pleased to see him looking so well and happy. He expressed surprise that marriage hadn't added inches to my waistline but I explained that I was still a tennis, exercise and fitness nut.
The wedding was to be a formal evening affair the very next day. As I already had my own dinner suit, dress shirt and dress shoes, we just needed to pick up a pale blue bow tie - that was the wedding's colour theme for flowers, decorations, etc - before heading for Graeme's apartment in inner Sydney.
Once my bags were unpacked, Graeme took me to meet his fiancee and her family. Julia was a very attractive girl and I could see that both she and her family were head-over-heels in love with my friend. I could also see that he was very much in love with her. Having found happiness in marriage myself, I was very pleased for him.
There was no traditional bucks party that evening. Graeme and I went out for a meal with two of his colleagues from the PhysEd Faculty. It was a quiet affair. No bawdy pre-wedding jokes. Nothing like the ritual humiliations I suffered the night before my own wedding. There was some PhysEd shop talk and Graeme and I told a few stories about our adventures boating and rock-climbing in Australia's northwest.
When we got back to his apartment, Graeme broke out the port for a nightcap. With ties and shoes removed, we flopped into lounge chairs in his living room.
"Cheers" I said, lifting my glass toward him.
"Cheers" he replied. Then: "There's something I want to ask you, but you have to promise not to get angry, and I promise not to be upset if you say no."
I had a sinking feeling. Truth be told, I'd had it all evening. I thought I could guess what was coming.
"I want you to share my bed on my last night as a single man."
For a brief period I thought "Well, I guess I must be gay" and so, in various cities, I went to gay discos and saunas looking for sex, inspiration and some sort of sign. I even frequented the occasional "beat" for quick, anonymous fumblings. I had casual sex with a few guys but at no stage was I truly comfortable with what I was doing. Yes, I enjoyed the sexual release, but nearly everyone I met seemed shallow and overly focused on the physical. I cannot recall a single worthwhile conversation. I soon wearied of those who seemed deliberately effeminate and, sexually, I was not what dedicated Tops were looking for.
It came to me, eventually, that besides a career, all I really wanted was to settle down and raise a family. I was passionate about wanting to be a father and I wasn't the least passionate about being "gay" - moreover, I wasn't particularly good at it. My only deeply enjoyable experience of sex with another guy had been a subset of that intense friendship with Graeme, and I had come to view that as some sort of phase in my growth to manhood, almost a rite of passage that marked the end of youth and uncertainty.
So I gave up trying to be anything other than what I was at heart - a likeable, personable young guy, with my fair share of good looks and intelligence. I started to date and eventually met my future wife. It was to be a relationship based on love rather than lust and we both settled happily into married life.
I still retained an awareness that there was a gay world out there too, but, while being entirely tolerant of that world, I felt no need or desire to re-enter it. I never visited another beat or sauna, not out of disdain, but simply because I no longer wanted to. I was happy being a husband and father to a growing family.
Then came the phone call from Graeme asking if I would be best man at his approaching wedding in Sydney. Seven years had passed and he was now twenty-six and I was nearing thirty.
When I showed my wife his letter, she had a "What's the problem look?" on her face. No way could we afford the trip for both of us, and my wife would be more than six months pregnant by the time of the wedding, but she thought I should accept the honour being extended to me by such a long-standing friend.
I'd told her a great deal about my life as a young guy in remote mining towns, but not every most intimate detail. Now, however, I decided that honesty dictated that I tell her a bit more about the summer of the Activities Guy.
If you're lucky in life, you get the partner you need and deserve. My wife did not go into hysterics. Like me, she had liberal and broadminded views and opinions, and, also, like me, she didn't have any problem with same-sex relationships. The Godfather of our first child was my wife's brother. He was gay, as were several other people with whom we socialised.
My wife asked me if I'd ever done things with guys behind her back and I was able to assure her that I never had and never would. Interestingly, she told me that her brother had once begged her to promise that, if ever she left me, she'd pass me on to him! We laughed about that, and my wife also went on to tell me of a passionate crush she'd had on another girl whilst at boarding school.
Anyway, my wife and I agreed that it was right and proper that I stand as Graeme's best man on his big day. I rang to tell him so and explained I was coming solo to cut costs. He immediately insisted I stay at his place rather than at a hotel - his bride-to-be would not be moving in till after the honeymoon - and, with some trepidation, I accepted his offer.
It was good to see him on arrival at the airport. We hugged each other tightly and I was pleased to see him looking so well and happy. He expressed surprise that marriage hadn't added inches to my waistline but I explained that I was still a tennis, exercise and fitness nut.
The wedding was to be a formal evening affair the very next day. As I already had my own dinner suit, dress shirt and dress shoes, we just needed to pick up a pale blue bow tie - that was the wedding's colour theme for flowers, decorations, etc - before heading for Graeme's apartment in inner Sydney.
Once my bags were unpacked, Graeme took me to meet his fiancee and her family. Julia was a very attractive girl and I could see that both she and her family were head-over-heels in love with my friend. I could also see that he was very much in love with her. Having found happiness in marriage myself, I was very pleased for him.
There was no traditional bucks party that evening. Graeme and I went out for a meal with two of his colleagues from the PhysEd Faculty. It was a quiet affair. No bawdy pre-wedding jokes. Nothing like the ritual humiliations I suffered the night before my own wedding. There was some PhysEd shop talk and Graeme and I told a few stories about our adventures boating and rock-climbing in Australia's northwest.
When we got back to his apartment, Graeme broke out the port for a nightcap. With ties and shoes removed, we flopped into lounge chairs in his living room.
"Cheers" I said, lifting my glass toward him.
"Cheers" he replied. Then: "There's something I want to ask you, but you have to promise not to get angry, and I promise not to be upset if you say no."
I had a sinking feeling. Truth be told, I'd had it all evening. I thought I could guess what was coming.
"I want you to share my bed on my last night as a single man."