The Bottomless Pit called Depression

I have had a sense of being caught in a bottomless pit - it started about two weeks ago (cue the picture getting all hazy while a new picture fades in with “TWO WEEKS AGO” written at the bottom of the screen) when I had become fed up with my life.

Mr. was and still is a thing of the past. At times I still find myself licking my wounds, but at least they are old ones - no new ones are being inflicted any longer. Deep down inside I knew that there would be a very slim chance of my opening my heart to another man again...at least in the near future. Little did I know that I'd soon be eating my hat...and without ketchup either.

I had met a guy on a bisexual forum and though we were PMing each other, I was keeping him at arms distance. There was no way in hell that I was willing to allow myself to get hurt again, most especially so soon afterwards. What I didn't bank on was the fact that he'd not only also have had an unsafe childhood where he refused to open up to a man, but also that he'd be the gentlest, most tender being that I have ever encountered in my life. It wasn't too long when he told me that he sees me as his friend, the only male friend that he has ever had in his life. I wanted to jump back from my computer screen as soon as I read those words in the PM that he had sent me. However, I soon realised that I had also grown to see him in the same light. A couple of weeks later, he told me that he loved me "in the good way" he reassuringly included in brackets next to his expression of affection. I had grown to love him too. We agree that we would be real life friends in a heartbeat, problem is that he lives in the States.

The other guy is the most honest yet sensitive person that I could ever hope to encounter. Uncompromising honesty makes it easy for me to say that I'd entrust him with my life in an instant. He is gay and is finding it difficult to accept himself because of his orientation. I have a sense that we are meant to be friends...as in destiny, fate...whatever you want to call it, decided that we need to be drawn together. Our situations of late are so uncanny that it can only be more than coincidence: His Mom went into ICU just after mine came out. My Dad passed away and his Mom followed suit about three days later.

Where I expected him to imitate "Mr", at the time of losing his mother he has drawn me more closely to into his life than any of his real life friends. We have cried together, vented together and found great comfort from being able share such a deep yet real walk together. I will chat with him on the phone and afterwards Mrs. biguy will point out that my eyes are smiling...and I can feel that they are. In terms of what I have been looking for in a man and a friendship, I know without a doubt in my mind that he is my "Mr Right". However, he has encountered great pain and rejection of late so though we have become friends, and I mean VERY close friends, he is hesitant about our taking our friendship beyond the computer screen. The most difficult part of this situation is that he doesn’t live too far away from me.

Two weeks ago, I had become very frustrated with my situation. I am longing for a deep friendship with another guy, I am experiencing it in cyberspace but that’s as far as it goes. I had a sense of walking past a bakery: I can smell the donuts; I can see the donuts through the window but it somehow felt as if I’d never be able to go inside and get me one. What made things worse is that ever since I’ve come out as being bisexual, I’ve been approached by a whole lot of guys who initially lead me to believe that they want to get to know me better with a view of developing friendships, but as soon as I utter the words, “bisexual, married or I’m not messing around” it’s a case of “Yawwwwwn. Oh geez, look at the time. Got to run”. And run they do...only thing is that it always seems to take place after I have invested parts of myself into the developing “friendship”, when clearly they only wanted one thing from me. I’ve been frustrated to the point of wishing that I could just unscrew my penis and give it away – they can have their fun and I can be left alone. It’s at a point where when strangers contact me, I now get my back up and almost immediately tell them, “I’m bi, married and I don’t screw around.” I then gather a collection of links where I’ve been vocal about all three points and tell them, “read this and this and this and that…and once you’re done, if you’d still like to talk to me, then feel free to do so. K thnx bye. (…and don’t let the door knock you on your way out!).

All of this led to me becoming severely depressed and I couldn’t help but ask myself what was wrong with me, after all I’ve dealt with more rejection over the past two months than I have in my entire life. What the hell’s up with that? One day I thought to myself, “thank God that I’m not an integrated bisexual because I don’t know how the hell I’d cope.” BEEEEEG mistake! An integrated bisexual is someone who needs to have a primary relationship with both genders at the same time. Some know it as polyamory. I felt like a cartoon character that had a missile fired at his chest and now all that was left was a gaping hole screaming to be filled. It hurt like hell. How would I cope if I needed a primary relationship with a man which included sex as well as continuing with my marriage as opposed to just my need for friendship? What would I do if Mrs. biguy wasn’t pleased with such an idea? The pain and the emptiness was unbearable. It would be a damned if I do, damned if I don’t (with many other alternatives of being damned) situation. I couldn’t divorce her because then I’d encounter a different hole with it’s own set of deep pain and emptiness. I couldn’t freely be with another man. What would I do? The only solution that I could come, up with was to drink a glass of tequila kissed with a fragrant splash of arsenic… or else I’d have to cheat on her. I concluded that I can now understand why some bisexual men cheat on their wives. This conclusion had me doing a double take before freaking out. I have always been an anti-adultery kind of guy and now I’m condoning it? What is happening to me? Who am I? It felt as if I was giving up parts of myself in order to claim parts of myself. How the hell can this be? Can I even begin to understand what is going on? All of this was shared soon afterwards – I sat in the bath with tears streaming down my face (DaNaMN! Crying has become like a hobby to me ever since my discovery that I’m bisexual. WTF?) while Mrs. biguy sat next to me on the floor with her own set of tears.

This came as quite a devastating blow to me and it led me even deeper into the black gaping hole called depression. So many issues and confusion (old and new) has surfaced, which is why I haven't been around of late. I do believe that the sun is starting to shine from behind the clouds, I wait in hope to feel it's rays once again kiss my face and clear away the darkness that has enveloped my life. Only time will tell.

Comments

bigguy, I'm near tears. I wish I could just give you a big hug and make you feel better, but I can't and it in a way kills me. I think doing something really nice for yourself would be a way to get your mind off things for a bit, but I truly wish there was something I could do to help with your depression.

I can say I'm here if you need a friend to vent to.
 
As I will always be for you, I'm here too.
Many big "manly hugs" from me will help! I am a man, I just don't look like one,but don't tell Mr. Ed!
Love ya'
C.B.:saevil:
 
Depressed in getting outcomes that you do not want. That is understandable.

You have to realize that there are men who actually want to get intimate sexually. You will get a lot of "Oh dear, look at the time..." type sentiments. Which translates into really..."THIS MOTHERFUCKER WASTED MY TIME. ALL I REALLY WANTED WAS TO GET SOME FREAK ON. THIS GUY HAS A FRIGGIN' WIFE AND FUGGIN' HER. I SHOULDA HOOKED UP WITH REINALDO."

Fact: You are married. Fact. You are wanting a close buddy/buddy friendships.

Strategy: DO NOT FALL FOR A MAN OR MEN UNLESS YOU HAVE PERMISSION TO DO SO AND THAT THEY TRULY KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND YOU KNOW WHO THEY ARE. You have to learn to control your heart and your feelings.

Be friends with straight guys who are single or married. They aren't expecting something from you.
There are gay men and bisexual men out there who can be friends with you but they must consider you not attractive. If they are attracted to you and they want to get intimate, you aren't going to be able to deliver that because you being married. And don't get mad or depressed when they don't want to be your friend. They want to be with a man. They want sex and you can't deliver. That is what they want. You gotta respect that. You gotta wife and are having sex with her. Those guys deserve sex from a guy that can deliver.
 
"Be friends with straight guys who are single or married. They aren't expecting something from you.
There are gay men and bisexual men out there who can be friends with you but they must consider you not attractive. "


I couldn't go all the way with what invisibleman is saying. It's alright if someone considers you attractive but understands that you're not on the menu. I've had friendships in those circumstances ... in fact, a good portion of my friendships with gay men are like that.

But if they think you're attractive and have an (even unconscious) wish to act on the attraction, that would be a problem. You can usually sort these things out with intuition and some judicious truth telling. (I think invisibleman would agree with this ... and I hope he doesn't find that I'm being too picky.)

Biguy, I can't remember if you're getting a little therapy now. If you're not, I would advise seeing someone for a few months. There's a lot of feeling to explore here and, while I think you share more usefully online that virtually anyone I know, I don't think there's any substitute for face-to-face discussion with a sensitive professional who has seen situations, not just like your own (because every case is of course unique), but similar enough to offer useful counsel.

There's been such an extraordinary amount on your plate for several months now. I feel for you, and I hope you have steady healing.
 
Sweetheart,

Here is a big hug to you. I want you to know that there is much love for you here at LPSG. I can not imagine what it is like to be torn . But I do understand depression and it is no picnic. Know you can talk to me if you need to do so.
 
I've got to agree. If bi guys, as bi guys, are out looking for men, then they're looking for sex 99% of the time. Most bi guys who say they're looking for friendship are using that as a euphemism for fuck buddy because there's plausible deniability if they get caught by someone they know (co-worker, friend, girlfriend, wife, etc.). It also helps self-closeted guys from coming out to themselves to a degree beyond which they can cope.

Look for straight guys for friendship. There are men out there eager to meet other men to bond with. Just because you are bisexual doesn't mean you have a desire to have deeper relationships than straight guys. I have some male friends to whom I talk about anything and everything, guys I've hugged while they're bawling their eyes out. They're all straight.

Any time you go searching for bisexual guys you run the risk of repeating your situation, adding to your heartache. You're just too sweet and sensitive a man to constantly have this sort of thing going on. The emotional toll has been tremendous not only on you but your wife and friend too.

I think it's also a great idea to get some counseling. Look for a GLBT-friendly therapist, preferably one who is gay or bi, who handles coming-out issues (they're out there!). That counselor can help you channel your emotions, understand what you're feeling, and deal with your life issues.

:hug:
Jason
 
Hey, Sweetheart, I am no expert, but I have some opinions.

You can pm me and tell me I'm full of it, but basically, I think you NEED to experience a tactile relationship with another man. Babies/children/humans are wired to need "touch". Look at the survival statistics of premies -- those who get held regularly are far more likely to survive.

I believe that your father's rejection of you left a piece of you still stuck, way back there, needing his comfort/approval.

And while I believe that sexual orientation is genetically determined, I firmly believe that sexual PERSONALITY is determined by experiences, good and bad. (I'll start a thread about it some day, but I'm not quite finished ruminating about it.)

Perhaps the combined forces of your orientation (bi) and childhood (horrible dad) left you with an extreme need to have a tactile relationship with a man.
And let's face it, the most tactile relationship there is is a sexual one.

I don't even think you need to have a permanent or ongoing relationship. Maybe, maybe not.

But I think you need touch until some piece of you heals. You have a little baby boy inside of you that wants to be held.

What are Mrs. BigGUy's opinions about this? How would she react if you had a relationship that went "that way"?

Would she ever entertain an "addition" to your love live?
 
Guys, I am overwhelmed and deeply moved by your outpouring of care and support. I am pretty much floored - I am still trying to pick my bottom jaw up from the floor. Thank you ever so much, it means a great deal to me.

This is going to be a long one (surprised? I thought not)

I also feel a tad guilty because I had hoped that my talking about the sun starting to shine would alert you to the fact that things are getting better. I apologise for not speaking clearly, but I was drained at the time of my writing but didn't want to put it off as there is a great deal that I'd like to share will everything is still fresh in my mind. A LOT has taken place since.

I have to agree with Rubi's train of thought: The gay friend that I've shared about is not after my body. The thing that made us friends is our shared belief that we cannot live out a life with an attitude of "a bonk is a bonk is a bonk" - he made a passionate yet pain post about this stance, I was deeply moved and was compelled to reply (I wasn't expecting us to become friends) yet today he is a very good friend. Within the first week (after mailing each other every day) he told me that he had a concern that he felt I ought to hear about: If he were to ever fall in love with me, he would weep with the rain and howl with the wind. He shared more deeply about why he is concerned and ended his email by saying, "but I AM NOT backing out!". I replied and told him that my only concern is that he may be disappointed in me should our friendship ever move beyond the screen. I am not perfect and knowing the amount of pain that he has encountered, I am loathe to ever hurt him.

I admit that I am wired different to others in the sense that some of my approaches differ greatly to the vast majority...this rings true in my life when it comes to being depressed. I don't ever see it as a bad thing, in fact, I think that the reason why it tends to slow me down, is because I need to. It's an invitation to stop, take stock of things and address the areas that are hurting...which is something that I've been busy doing. It hasn't been easy, in fact it's been hell...but that feeling need not make it a bad thing.

For a start, I realised that I haven't been completely fair to my gay friend. At the time of his losing his Mom and encountering any form of pain etc. in his life, he immediately comes to me and let's me in. I, on the other hand have been walking with him but I've been holding my own pain and vulnerability back and only allowed him to see it once it has been resolved. I felt that he deserved better, so I fessed up to this approach and apologised to him. I let him in and allowed him to see my own pain and brokenness and how I have a sense of fumbling in the dark. He then replied and let me in even deeper and so it's been going. We still haven't met, but he has at least articulated that he WANTS to have our friendship in his life...but it needs to be baby steps because of his fears etc.

Please bear in mind that this depression took place two weeks ago. I had to share it as it is in order so that you can see the impact that this week's journey has had on me. This depression that I've been sitting with has ebbed and flowed since, but it has been good, VERY good. A lot of progress has been made and I see it as leading to a huge turning point in my life.

A couple of days after the depression set in and I was hurting from the sense of having a hole in my life, there was a sudden sense of friends just flowing into my life. On the bi forum, one of the members who normally seems distant suddenly started to chat to me and told me that he was about to leave the forum because he thought that I had left (I had taken a break from all of the forums so that I could concentrate on my depression and see what's really going on inside of me). A member on this site PM'd me and I lost it. He received a reply telling him rather abruptly that I am bi, married and I don't screw around. Included links to posts that I have made on this site and elsewhere that substantiated these points. I told him to first read them and then we'll talk. He came back and sheepishly admitted that he was looking for a shag, however he also knows that sometimes one finds a treasure in the least likely of places, so he wants to talk and get to know me better. And talk we have. I see him as a very good friend of mine...and no, I have no doubt in my mind that he is only after having sex. He admitted it and he has let it drop ever since. He has been a blessing in disguise because he is curious about this "bi- phenomena" (he's gay) and trying to explain it to him is helping me to find answers and better explanations of it for myself.

Then in the midst of all of this and my starting to make blog entries, a huge gift arrived. Cue: EagleCowboy. I constantly ask myself, "where the hell has this guy been hiding? Slap. Slap." Now this guy missed his calling in life - he ought to be a therapist for bisexual folk. He also ought to start a support group. He has me blown away...but he has had me sweating HUGE time. I've been getting kick after kick in my royal behind.

I've been holding this back because even though he's given me permission in one of his comments on my blog where I am able to share what he has had to say in our emails, I still felt that I owed it to him to make sure that he is fine with it. I'm still waiting for a response, though, if I really think about it, I have no doubt that he will be. I know that what he has to say in his beautifully metaphoric and humourous way will help others in the same way that it has been helpful to me. So I'm going to post his response to my sharing about this depression, how it led me to draw my conclusion about some married bi men cheating on their wives and how it left me with a sense of having to rebuild myself. In all honesty, the greater part of my depression was brought about by my conclusion and not so much the letdowns that I've encountered where making friends is concerned.

Once again, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your care and support. I assure you that I am well. I still have a lot to say so I'll be spending most of my time working on entries so that I can bring you up to speed. I will leave you with what EagleCowboy had to say:

As for rebuilding yourself? No. Not quite. It was always there. Whilst you
were rummaging around in the giant warehouse that is your mind while
trying to get to something familiar, you had to take a different path to
get to it. In doing so, you manage to trip on something, a huge avalanche
ensues and you get caught in it. It throws you through a HUGE garage door.
(Picture a large garage door that has a hole in the shape of a spread
eagle body punched in it) But it's dark inside and everyone is afraid of
the dark . (not me. I'm just afraid of what's in it!!) So now you're
picking yourself up from the rubble, and you're trying to find that darn
light switch that you know is here somewhere. You manage to trip over lots
of stuff, get banged up pretty good, and maybe even a slight concussion
from things falling on your head. FINALLY, you find that darn switch which
just happens to be in the middle of the room. Good place for it, huh?
(CLICK!!) >GASP< What the heck is THIS place?!? In front of you suspended
in midair is a new accessory for you. You reach for it, and install it. It
fits perfectly and you're enjoying the power and feeling it's giving you.
It activates things in you that you didn't know was there. Very cool. But
you not being used to all this (it is a bit scary) attempt to uninstall
it. It doesn't budge and you notice the seams are gone. It's made itself
part of you!! You panic!! You grab a crowbar laying nearby and try
furiously to pry it off, but it's not moving. You grab the torch. Nothing.
You grab the plasma cutter. >DAMN!!< Still there. TNT. (BOOM!!) >WTF?!?<
Not a scratch.

Ok. So this is not an extension of who you are. You cannot separate this.
It was never an integration. That would imply that you purposely installed
it. It >IS< who you are. And ya can't go back now. It is literally
physically impossible.
 
Have to agree with Eagle cowboy all the way!
It is/was always there inside,just waiting for you to let in a little light.
very smart man!
cigarbabe:saevil:
 
I just want to say thanks for the experience of visiting this site. I have been blessed challenged and encouraged by what I have seen and read.

This has really been an enlightening experience.

May I leave you with a blessing from one imperfect brother to another?

OK: I pray that all of our talents and abilities would be realised as we enter into our destiny's and help to make this world a better place not only for now but more importantly for the next generation. May our legacy in the Earth be one of goodness, restoration and light.

I love you all and pray that we would each be guided by The Creator Yahweh / Jehovah to become the super-amazing men of destiny that we were purposed to be...

Shalom,

'Perri' :smile:

plsharney@gmail.com
 
"Be friends with straight guys who are single or married. They aren't expecting something from you.
There are gay men and bisexual men out there who can be friends with you but they must consider you not attractive. "

"I couldn't go all the way with what invisibleman is saying."

You don't have to agree. Neither does bi guy. Believe what you want. Truth is a multifaceted diamond.

"It's alright if someone considers you attractive but understands that you're not on the menu. I've had friendships in those circumstances ... in fact, a good portion of my friendships with gay men are like that."
Yeah, but not every man can do that. They can't be a "friend" like that. You have to respect that. Because you or maybe I could possibly be friends with men like that. Some men couldn't.

"But if they think you're attractive and have an (even unconscious) wish to act on the attraction, that would be a problem."

Like I have said before :rolleyes::smile:, some people don't want something like a friendship because of that inclination or expectation of sex. They'd wanna act on it. They want something sexual.

"You can usually sort these things out with intuition and some judicious truth telling. (I think invisibleman would agree with this ... and I hope he doesn't find that I'm being too picky.)"

No, I didn't find you picky. I agree (I think so depending on the subtext or context upon which you are conveying.:smile: I am not saying that you agree with me. I extend you (and anyone else ) that courtesy of not having to do so.) and biguy knows about honesty and the truth telling.

Amen for honesty and truthtelling, otherwise we would be out of focus.



 

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