I have had a sense of being caught in a bottomless pit - it started about two weeks ago (cue the picture getting all hazy while a new picture fades in with “TWO WEEKS AGO” written at the bottom of the screen) when I had become fed up with my life.
Mr. was and still is a thing of the past. At times I still find myself licking my wounds, but at least they are old ones - no new ones are being inflicted any longer. Deep down inside I knew that there would be a very slim chance of my opening my heart to another man again...at least in the near future. Little did I know that I'd soon be eating my hat...and without ketchup either.
I had met a guy on a bisexual forum and though we were PMing each other, I was keeping him at arms distance. There was no way in hell that I was willing to allow myself to get hurt again, most especially so soon afterwards. What I didn't bank on was the fact that he'd not only also have had an unsafe childhood where he refused to open up to a man, but also that he'd be the gentlest, most tender being that I have ever encountered in my life. It wasn't too long when he told me that he sees me as his friend, the only male friend that he has ever had in his life. I wanted to jump back from my computer screen as soon as I read those words in the PM that he had sent me. However, I soon realised that I had also grown to see him in the same light. A couple of weeks later, he told me that he loved me "in the good way" he reassuringly included in brackets next to his expression of affection. I had grown to love him too. We agree that we would be real life friends in a heartbeat, problem is that he lives in the States.
The other guy is the most honest yet sensitive person that I could ever hope to encounter. Uncompromising honesty makes it easy for me to say that I'd entrust him with my life in an instant. He is gay and is finding it difficult to accept himself because of his orientation. I have a sense that we are meant to be friends...as in destiny, fate...whatever you want to call it, decided that we need to be drawn together. Our situations of late are so uncanny that it can only be more than coincidence: His Mom went into ICU just after mine came out. My Dad passed away and his Mom followed suit about three days later.
Where I expected him to imitate "Mr", at the time of losing his mother he has drawn me more closely to into his life than any of his real life friends. We have cried together, vented together and found great comfort from being able share such a deep yet real walk together. I will chat with him on the phone and afterwards Mrs. biguy will point out that my eyes are smiling...and I can feel that they are. In terms of what I have been looking for in a man and a friendship, I know without a doubt in my mind that he is my "Mr Right". However, he has encountered great pain and rejection of late so though we have become friends, and I mean VERY close friends, he is hesitant about our taking our friendship beyond the computer screen. The most difficult part of this situation is that he doesn’t live too far away from me.
Two weeks ago, I had become very frustrated with my situation. I am longing for a deep friendship with another guy, I am experiencing it in cyberspace but that’s as far as it goes. I had a sense of walking past a bakery: I can smell the donuts; I can see the donuts through the window but it somehow felt as if I’d never be able to go inside and get me one. What made things worse is that ever since I’ve come out as being bisexual, I’ve been approached by a whole lot of guys who initially lead me to believe that they want to get to know me better with a view of developing friendships, but as soon as I utter the words, “bisexual, married or I’m not messing around” it’s a case of “Yawwwwwn. Oh geez, look at the time. Got to run”. And run they do...only thing is that it always seems to take place after I have invested parts of myself into the developing “friendship”, when clearly they only wanted one thing from me. I’ve been frustrated to the point of wishing that I could just unscrew my penis and give it away – they can have their fun and I can be left alone. It’s at a point where when strangers contact me, I now get my back up and almost immediately tell them, “I’m bi, married and I don’t screw around.” I then gather a collection of links where I’ve been vocal about all three points and tell them, “read this and this and this and that…and once you’re done, if you’d still like to talk to me, then feel free to do so. K thnx bye. (…and don’t let the door knock you on your way out!).
All of this led to me becoming severely depressed and I couldn’t help but ask myself what was wrong with me, after all I’ve dealt with more rejection over the past two months than I have in my entire life. What the hell’s up with that? One day I thought to myself, “thank God that I’m not an integrated bisexual because I don’t know how the hell I’d cope.” BEEEEEG mistake! An integrated bisexual is someone who needs to have a primary relationship with both genders at the same time. Some know it as polyamory. I felt like a cartoon character that had a missile fired at his chest and now all that was left was a gaping hole screaming to be filled. It hurt like hell. How would I cope if I needed a primary relationship with a man which included sex as well as continuing with my marriage as opposed to just my need for friendship? What would I do if Mrs. biguy wasn’t pleased with such an idea? The pain and the emptiness was unbearable. It would be a damned if I do, damned if I don’t (with many other alternatives of being damned) situation. I couldn’t divorce her because then I’d encounter a different hole with it’s own set of deep pain and emptiness. I couldn’t freely be with another man. What would I do? The only solution that I could come, up with was to drink a glass of tequila kissed with a fragrant splash of arsenic… or else I’d have to cheat on her. I concluded that I can now understand why some bisexual men cheat on their wives. This conclusion had me doing a double take before freaking out. I have always been an anti-adultery kind of guy and now I’m condoning it? What is happening to me? Who am I? It felt as if I was giving up parts of myself in order to claim parts of myself. How the hell can this be? Can I even begin to understand what is going on? All of this was shared soon afterwards – I sat in the bath with tears streaming down my face (DaNaMN! Crying has become like a hobby to me ever since my discovery that I’m bisexual. WTF?) while Mrs. biguy sat next to me on the floor with her own set of tears.
This came as quite a devastating blow to me and it led me even deeper into the black gaping hole called depression. So many issues and confusion (old and new) has surfaced, which is why I haven't been around of late. I do believe that the sun is starting to shine from behind the clouds, I wait in hope to feel it's rays once again kiss my face and clear away the darkness that has enveloped my life. Only time will tell.
Mr. was and still is a thing of the past. At times I still find myself licking my wounds, but at least they are old ones - no new ones are being inflicted any longer. Deep down inside I knew that there would be a very slim chance of my opening my heart to another man again...at least in the near future. Little did I know that I'd soon be eating my hat...and without ketchup either.
I had met a guy on a bisexual forum and though we were PMing each other, I was keeping him at arms distance. There was no way in hell that I was willing to allow myself to get hurt again, most especially so soon afterwards. What I didn't bank on was the fact that he'd not only also have had an unsafe childhood where he refused to open up to a man, but also that he'd be the gentlest, most tender being that I have ever encountered in my life. It wasn't too long when he told me that he sees me as his friend, the only male friend that he has ever had in his life. I wanted to jump back from my computer screen as soon as I read those words in the PM that he had sent me. However, I soon realised that I had also grown to see him in the same light. A couple of weeks later, he told me that he loved me "in the good way" he reassuringly included in brackets next to his expression of affection. I had grown to love him too. We agree that we would be real life friends in a heartbeat, problem is that he lives in the States.
The other guy is the most honest yet sensitive person that I could ever hope to encounter. Uncompromising honesty makes it easy for me to say that I'd entrust him with my life in an instant. He is gay and is finding it difficult to accept himself because of his orientation. I have a sense that we are meant to be friends...as in destiny, fate...whatever you want to call it, decided that we need to be drawn together. Our situations of late are so uncanny that it can only be more than coincidence: His Mom went into ICU just after mine came out. My Dad passed away and his Mom followed suit about three days later.
Where I expected him to imitate "Mr", at the time of losing his mother he has drawn me more closely to into his life than any of his real life friends. We have cried together, vented together and found great comfort from being able share such a deep yet real walk together. I will chat with him on the phone and afterwards Mrs. biguy will point out that my eyes are smiling...and I can feel that they are. In terms of what I have been looking for in a man and a friendship, I know without a doubt in my mind that he is my "Mr Right". However, he has encountered great pain and rejection of late so though we have become friends, and I mean VERY close friends, he is hesitant about our taking our friendship beyond the computer screen. The most difficult part of this situation is that he doesn’t live too far away from me.
Two weeks ago, I had become very frustrated with my situation. I am longing for a deep friendship with another guy, I am experiencing it in cyberspace but that’s as far as it goes. I had a sense of walking past a bakery: I can smell the donuts; I can see the donuts through the window but it somehow felt as if I’d never be able to go inside and get me one. What made things worse is that ever since I’ve come out as being bisexual, I’ve been approached by a whole lot of guys who initially lead me to believe that they want to get to know me better with a view of developing friendships, but as soon as I utter the words, “bisexual, married or I’m not messing around” it’s a case of “Yawwwwwn. Oh geez, look at the time. Got to run”. And run they do...only thing is that it always seems to take place after I have invested parts of myself into the developing “friendship”, when clearly they only wanted one thing from me. I’ve been frustrated to the point of wishing that I could just unscrew my penis and give it away – they can have their fun and I can be left alone. It’s at a point where when strangers contact me, I now get my back up and almost immediately tell them, “I’m bi, married and I don’t screw around.” I then gather a collection of links where I’ve been vocal about all three points and tell them, “read this and this and this and that…and once you’re done, if you’d still like to talk to me, then feel free to do so. K thnx bye. (…and don’t let the door knock you on your way out!).
All of this led to me becoming severely depressed and I couldn’t help but ask myself what was wrong with me, after all I’ve dealt with more rejection over the past two months than I have in my entire life. What the hell’s up with that? One day I thought to myself, “thank God that I’m not an integrated bisexual because I don’t know how the hell I’d cope.” BEEEEEG mistake! An integrated bisexual is someone who needs to have a primary relationship with both genders at the same time. Some know it as polyamory. I felt like a cartoon character that had a missile fired at his chest and now all that was left was a gaping hole screaming to be filled. It hurt like hell. How would I cope if I needed a primary relationship with a man which included sex as well as continuing with my marriage as opposed to just my need for friendship? What would I do if Mrs. biguy wasn’t pleased with such an idea? The pain and the emptiness was unbearable. It would be a damned if I do, damned if I don’t (with many other alternatives of being damned) situation. I couldn’t divorce her because then I’d encounter a different hole with it’s own set of deep pain and emptiness. I couldn’t freely be with another man. What would I do? The only solution that I could come, up with was to drink a glass of tequila kissed with a fragrant splash of arsenic… or else I’d have to cheat on her. I concluded that I can now understand why some bisexual men cheat on their wives. This conclusion had me doing a double take before freaking out. I have always been an anti-adultery kind of guy and now I’m condoning it? What is happening to me? Who am I? It felt as if I was giving up parts of myself in order to claim parts of myself. How the hell can this be? Can I even begin to understand what is going on? All of this was shared soon afterwards – I sat in the bath with tears streaming down my face (DaNaMN! Crying has become like a hobby to me ever since my discovery that I’m bisexual. WTF?) while Mrs. biguy sat next to me on the floor with her own set of tears.
This came as quite a devastating blow to me and it led me even deeper into the black gaping hole called depression. So many issues and confusion (old and new) has surfaced, which is why I haven't been around of late. I do believe that the sun is starting to shine from behind the clouds, I wait in hope to feel it's rays once again kiss my face and clear away the darkness that has enveloped my life. Only time will tell.