The Siege Beyond

Even after a decent night’s sleep my mind cannot adequately process what I am thinking. Two hours of sitting by this blank computer screen has not helped. I feel vindicated in my worry, but there is no accompanying sense of pride in that. Fear overrides. But soon that will subside and its wake will be filled again by you with who knows what ….

I’d been so consumed by my thoughts I hadn’t even felt the tears coursing down my cheek as I lay in bed alone. Nine minutes past midnight. My thoughts are washed by a fury long dormant; one that I never could have dreamt would be directed at you. For this, I forgive you. I must. As to the rest of it, you – we – can work it out. There’s just one rider: I won’t be him. It’s all or nothing.

Things have changed. Your voice is weighted with a sadness I’ve not heard before, and I would do anything not to hear it again. We’ve invested a lot, haven’t we?

What a waste the last seven years have been! I devoted all that time to barricading myself against emotion by building an impregnable stronghold complete with moat, drawbridge, portcullis, trebuchets and boiling pitch, and you dare to smash my postern – and in four inch heels no less. I should have twigged when you uttered those three tiny words that would turn the steeliest of hearts molten.

6.47 a.m. Alarm goes off and my Friday begins as any other day. God knows how productive I will be. I might be behind my desk, but my thoughts drift further north than they have ever been before.

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