The things one turns over in their journey...

I have a fascination with the permutation of gender, both physical and psychological. My optimal self-image preceading and during my my sexual development was androgyn. Somewhere between Masculine and feminine, but not quite partaking of either. Sometimes I'd have fantasies of transforming into one gender stereotype or another, but by and large it was the slender Androgyn type that range truest and seemed to symbolize grace and beauty in my mind.

You see, my older half-brother was the Masculine Son. He was constantly getting into fights, constantly arguing and rebelling against our shared single mother. Constantly tearing things apart and (most of the time) putting them back together. Constantly reasuring me that he'd protect me come hell or high water. But also constantly reminding me how I wasn't as fast or strong as he was, how I was short, and a sissy, a pussy, a bookworm and an egghead. I learned to play to my strengths. Where he would win Mom's praise by success on the football field, in the wrestling ring or the shop class, I would fight to win her praise with my gifts of words, my empathy and my knack for living in the half-fantasy world of faith and magic.

Having to deal with latent homophobia at home and both latent and active homophobia in school in public, I grew to distrust and dislike activities that lumped me in together with a lot of boys. Throughout school I never felt like I acted the way a boy "should" I never quite got the unspoken wavelength they all seemed to share. I was rewarded and punished equally for any attempt to just be myself and trying to assimilate myself into their culture felt stifling, as there would always be things my heart would scream at me were just wrong. I couldn't bring myself to hurt animals or other people. When I did, I'd be sunk in a morrass of guilt and depression for weeks.
There are times in my life I have fantasised about how my life would have played out had I been born a girl instead of a boy. Or if I had been born intersexed.
I hear people say to guys so often "Be a man", an exhortation to being responsible, a challenge to pass logic and reason and do something on a dare, a censure for giving into any emotion that isn't rage or lust.....I have to say it confuses the fuck out of me. People exhort women to be anything they want to be, affirm that a woman is strong enough to be any man's equal in any field. But men do not recieve equal encouragement. Men are admonished to be more sensitive and receptive to the people in their lives, to not be so competitive....And yet they are censured for following that advice. Women break up with or cheat on their "sensitive" boyfriends. Men who don't compete agressively in their profession lose their jobs. Men who Fight lose their beloveds, but so do men who surrender and comprimise.

It leaves one to wonder what IS the true masculinity. What IS the true feminine?
What is it that makes certain behaviors charicatures of gendered behavior.

And that would be why I run across sites like this, FROT The Man2Man Alliance

Though the vitreol they seem to posess for those of differring viewpoints makes me want to shy away.

Part of me agrees with the views held there. It was myths of Gilgamesh and Enkidu, most of the Greek mythos where sex was equal oppourtunity, and other cultures' valuing of their people who didn't quite fit into the gender roles or the breeding pool very well. The old spinster who had no interest in sex became the town's witch or wise-woman the men who loved men either became warriors or healers.
Part of me rebels against the idea that just because I've been conditioned to enjoy anal sex, that that must mean I am no longer a man. I enjoy frot, but I've never ejaculated from it. I enjoy knowing I can please a man by accepting his cock into my mouth or ass, and I enjoy knowing I can pleasure a man or woman with my dick. I certainly enjoy that I can please just about anyone that will let me with the skillfull application of hands, lips, tougue, teeth and even my feet.
I don't know. I still fumble around trying to figure out where I fit within the spectrums of all these supposedly binary distinctions. I still wander, looking for the individual landmarks in the world and in things written down or dreamed up that say "Over here! I echo with you, you aren't completely lost,"
I guess as log as I keep looking and listenning and putting things together for myself, I'm still on the right track. For me anyway.

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duskboi
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