These Are My Thoughts: A Year Gone By

As I sit in wait for the next hour and a half or so to pass by so that I am able to bid this year goodbye (cue a sigh of relief), I cannot help but reflect on the amount of change and growth that has taken place over the past twelve months. Shew! So much has taken place:

I stumbled across an adult forum by accident, little did I realise that my decision to become a member would bring a great deal of change and challenges with it. My vision of the world, life and sex has been altered on so many levels and where I once was ashamed to say the mere word penis, I find that I am now able to talk about the wonders of sex quite openly and unabashedly. I've had to stand by and watch as my mom had a close brush with death, only to suddenly reclaim her life for herself. I've lost my father and with my loss I had to lay a lot of old demons to rest.
I discovered that I have a carried a lot of fear towards men deep within me and I've been forced to confront those fears with the hope that with time they will be overcome. I’ve made friends, lost friends, been hurt by friends and rejoiced in friends. I’ve loathed myself, lost myself, celebrated myself and found myself. I’ve been vocal about issues, beliefs and stances…and later been forced to eat humble pie. I’ve laughed and I’ve cried, smiled and frowned. I’ve given up on friends and I’ve joined friends in their own journey of pain, self discovery and confusion. I’ve loved people nearby and I’ve loved people from afar. I’ve embraced my family and I’ve given them freedom to decide if they want to embrace me or not.
I’ve found my marriage to be on shaky ground and I’ve enjoyed having it stand on a firm foundation of love. I’ve wanted to embrace people with love and I’ve wanted to dig some graves. I’ve fallen in love, I’ve fallen out of love and I have grown to love. I have come to see me for me and I have learnt to embrace others for who they are. I’ve had sleepless nights and I’ve had days of rest. I’ve built up walls and I’ve allowed some of them to crumble down. I’ve grown to love my wife with every fibre of my being….and I’ve grown to love a man very fiercely. I’ve looked at the world with wonder and I’ve filtered it with cynism. I’ve been happy and sad, depressed and joyful, confused and silent. I’ve looked forward to going to work and I’ve been concerned about my future. I’ve wanted to end it all and I’ve wanted to stick around and see what tomorrow brings. I’ve posted profusely and I’ve been mindful of what I post and when to do it. I’ve held fast to my marriage and I’ve offered divorce. I’ve had much to say and I’ve been quiet. I believed that I was straight and I came to see that I am not. In the midst of it all I have encountered change and challenges…and then some. I’ve had a Christmas away from my family and without all the gifts and trimmings. I’ve stood with my hands being emptied of everything and filled to the point of being unable to hold onto all the gifts that I’ve been given.

These past few days I find myself with constantly having tears in my eyes. I am blessed. I am abundantly blessed, and these blessings bear the gift of hope. I’ve had a very profound and deeply moving Christmas with a sense of having received the greatest gift of all….the gift of love. I am somehow reminded of the saying that once you lose everything you find the things that matter the most…this rings true to my life right now.

So this is how this year draws to an end for me, I have a sense of being beautifully and wonderfully blessed, and the love that I carry in my heart leads me to look at 2008 with hope.

I thank all of you for the way that your posts have touched my life, for your care and support and for being the people that you are. A special word of thanks to all my friends that I have made on this site, for bearing with my and my craziness at times and for making my journey less lonely and more hope-filled.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Comments

My good, good friend...

You will never know just how much you have come to mean to me...you have been such a help, freely giving comfort, offering words of wisdom,
understanding, and strength that will be with me always. Most of all I thank you for your friendship, one that is unburdened by restrictions of any kind.

We have much in common that is misunderstood by most in this world, and it's this common ground, this bond between us if you will, that has brought us together and will keep us together as friends, and brothers always.

I wish you, and yours, health and happiness in the new year and that it will be full of good things and that all differences will be wiped away and only love and closeness remain among all of you.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, my friend....

silver
 
I love you this M U C H ! !
I truly do. You are such an incredible man, and I want to thank you for allowing us all, to journey with you.
Happy New Year!
Love you babe, :kiss:
cigarbabe:saevil: :fest30:
:You_Rock_Emoticon:
 
Dear friend, it is I who is better for our encounter.

For one to share his life so openly is truly life lesson to us all. You have sheken people out of their comfortable acceptance of a life mediocre and caused us to go out, evaluate, love that which we should be loving and often overlooking, and taught us to cast off that which is destructive to us.

My hope is that sometime before 2009, we are actually able to meet face to face so that I can give you the handshake of brotherhood and the loving hug you so richly deserve.

We love you bigguy.
 

Blog entry information

Author
biguy2738
Read time
4 min read
Views
223
Comments
4
Last update

More entries in General

More entries from biguy2738

Share this entry