Tuka the Submissive

I'm sure that, as I post here on LPSG, I will mention more than once that I am sexually submissive, and that my husband is dominant. And although the BDSM (Bondage/Domination/Submission/Sadism/Masochism) world is second nature to me now, I realize many people know very little about it, and what they do know, they may consider to be weird or freaky. So I thought I might explain a little bit about what the bondage, domination, and submission part means to me personally, and how and why I believe I became submissive. In another post I will talk about sadism and masochism.

I've seen a number of threads on BDSM sites discussing whether or not we, as submissives, have a common thread in our childhoods that ties us all together. The consensus always seems to be "no". Some people feel they were just born this way, others believe it developed because of environmental factors, and still others did not discover the submissive side of themselves until adulthood. So there doesn't seem to be any single "cause" that applies to everyone.

Nevertheless, I believe I know the cause, as it relates to me, quite well. And though I may have been born with submissive predilections, I believe that I am the way I am largely because of environmental factors.

It works like this:

  • In my home of origin (which was Southern Baptist), any kind of sex outside of marriage was considered a sin, either fornication or adultery.
  • Not only was it a sin to have sex outside of marriage, it was a sin to even think about having sex outside of marriage -- to have lustful thoughts, or to fantasize.
  • The result was that my (strong from an early age) sexuality was boxed in very tightly, with no way to express itself.
  • From a very early age, I could not even think about consensual sex without feeling guilty.
  • But my sexual feelings had to come out somehow, they just had to!
  • So, when my resistance would finally wear down, I would imagine being forced to have sex, and/or to perform sexual acts.
  • Within these fantasies, my arousal and the full power of my sexuality could be released, because I was not the one making the choice; someone else was making it for me.
  • Of course, after each of my fantasy sessions of being "taken" against my will was over, I still felt guilty, because I had technically broken the rules by imagining sex outside of marriage.
  • But I could not stop having the fantasies, no matter how hard I tried.
  • By my early teens, I had come to see myself as a hopeless sinner and a flawed, defective person.
  • I knew that if and when I ever got married, sex would be somewhat hollow for me, because the idea of a man and wife having consensual sex had zero turn-on factor for me. In fact, I almost felt disgusted by the idea.
  • When I fantasized about being "taken", it wasn't just by any random man. I did not actually want to be raped in real life, especially not in the way that criminals rape women, with intent to really hurt them. What I wanted was to have the kind of sex I needed, but to be free from the responsibility of making the choice to do so.
  • I thought my fantasies of being tied up, forced to have intercourse, say humiliating things (under threat of physical punishment), forced to suck cock, etc. were hopelessly demented and deviant, and kept these things secret from everyone.

Fast forward through my teens and twenties, and into my early thirties. Over time, I had gotten to know myself better, and gained self-confidence and independence from the religious guilt that had shadowed me before. I began to read BDSM fiction and was shocked to find that my desires were not unique at all -- other people shared my feelings, and actually acted out "scenes" of being dominated and forced to do things with other people called "dominants", or "doms" for short.

I realized that what I needed in my life was a dom, but didn't believe I would ever find one. You see, not only is it hard to find a dominant, it is even harder to find an authentic dominant. There are many would-be dominants trolling the web who are actually out to be domineering, which is a completely different thing. An authentic dominant, on the other hand, is almost selfless in his selfishness. He knows that to be set free, the submissive needs him to take control. And so, he does so, and for reasons of his own, is aroused by doing so.

I was very, very fortunate to find my current husband, who is also my dom. During the first week we were together, as I was tethered spread-eagle on a bed, with him alternately teasing my pussy with a big dildo and leaning my head back over the edge of the bed to fuck my throat, I realized something was happening for the very first time -- I was having a sexual interaction, and I was actually there, body, mind, and spirit. What a glorious and freeing experience that was, and has continued to be ever since!

The fact is, though, that my early conditioning was very deep, and very thorough. Although I can now become aroused by thinking about and having consensual sex, I cannot orgasm unless I am either fantasizing about being dominated, or actually being dominated in real life. I don't know if I will ever get past that "limitation", but I also don't know if I really need to. My husband likes to point out that at least I have a way to get off with powerful orgasms, and that many people are so inhibited, they don't even have that.

Often, domination can be as simple as a man holding me down and being assertive, taking control in bed, and no restraints are needed other than perhaps his hands on my wrists. What I need is not necessarily to be tied down (although that is fun), but to achieve, through whatever means, a psychological state of feeling as if I am not in control, and that all I have to do is obey, and feel. I am not the decision maker, all I have to do is carry out ANY order I have been given, if I have the physical ability to do so. And because of the way I am, doing so thrills me. There is nothing that pleases me more than taking a dominant's orders, and bringing him pleasure.

Anyway, if you've made it all the way to the end of this long-winded post, I thank you for taking the time to read it. And I hope it will have given you at least a little better understanding of why some people call themselves "submissive".

Comments

Thanks for the incite into submissiveness, im now better educated on the subject, was an interesting read :)
 

Blog entry information

Author
Tuka
Read time
5 min read
Views
261
Comments
5
Last update

More entries in General

More entries from Tuka

Share this entry