Uncertainty makes one uncertain...

I don't know why I'm writing this. I dont. I fucking hate sharing. I'm a selfish prick. My feelings are so damned guarded all the time. How the fuck is anyone supposed to get to know me? It is always an uphill battle. Pity the ones I love. Truly they suffer for dealing with me. When asked " Does that turn you on?" I completely freak out. Why? Because half the time if it turns me on I'm ashamed, or confused or just pissed off because I feel like I dont even know myself sometimes. This uncertainty makes for a pissy husband and an even more frustrated wife. Will she be upset because I am writing this? Because my communication skills are so fucking pathetic that I'm reduced to venting from a dark bathroom? Seriously, its pretty pathetic. I think sometimes I write shit like this to get it out of my fucking head and just to clear the madness. Other times I'm certain that I'm self sabotaging my life just to feel the pain. Who the fuck knows. Not me, that's for certain. I dont know what I'm trying to say except that I really wish, I mean I truly want it from the depths of my soul. I want the ability to talk. To speak. To fucking communicate instead of yelling, or bitching, or complaining or kvetching or blah blah blah. But when I have an idea, its well formed in my shitty little head, when it comes out it sounds like detritus tossed on a choppy sea of human waste. The wonderful things in my life are just that, independently wonderful. With the addition of me? Pfft. I depreciate that value significantly. Do I think anyone will understand this? Probably not. I'm just spitting crap on a page. This is bile, this is vitriol, this is self hate at its best. Welcome to the show.


(To my wife that may or may not read this... I'm sorry. You deserve much better and I hope I can get there...)

Comments

After reading this... I fully think I have a screw loose. This is just a rambling. It makes no fucking sense at all. Just the pissy moaning of a child. Yay... I shared. And I'm probably worse off for it...
 
I'm glad you felt safe enough here to get it off your chest. Your wife loves you, I'm sure she'll understand that you needed to bleed a bit of the frustration out.

My husband is much the same way. He's extremely guarded due to abuse he endured as a child. He's by and far the most difficult person I've ever had a relationship with, but he's also the most honest, protective, etc. Some people are just worth the "trouble". :smile:

I am the opposite of guarded so I generally have trouble holding back. Ironically, this drives me to do the same exact thing you did here. I need a place to put my strong emotions and I usually do it in much the same form as you did. So, you are in good company.

I truly hope you enjoyed the stress release of writing this. It doesn't have to be understood by anyone, yourself included. When you are ready to gain insight from this you will return to this page and give it another read. Whatever you do, don't beat yourself up about it. You did nothing wrong.
 
agree with BBW...
1. This is a safe place. Those of your friends will appreciate the insight and will give you whatever space you need. Those who don't understand? Well to quote a famous guy who is no longer around, the can just "fuck off".
2. You are extremely, highly intelligent. I can sense that.
3. Spilling takes courage... you are also courageous.
4. Your wife already knew all of this before you put it on paper. Will she be surprised? Highly doubtful. (I bet she will be proud of you and encourage you to do more. )
5. Releasing these emotions to paper can help you identify your self-hate, lack of communication and any other negatives. Working with your wife and friends, you can turn these negatives into positives. It takes time, but you've taken the first step.

:smile::smile::smile:
 
Venting here where she can see it is better than nothing. I know what it's like to be with someone who won't even try - at least something is coming out of your mouth, something is coming out of your brain, at least you want to communicate.

What you've gone through, all the things you've lived through and seen have made your brain try to shut you down. Don't let it. Fight it. You love your bunny and she loves you. Don't let the past win, let your love for her and her love for you take you to the future. Clear the shit out of your head by bloggin, whether is makes sense or not - but clear it out until you can see the words you need to say. All that stuff is poison and you have to dump it out so you can get to the clean thought, the pure word and feeling you need to express.

*hugs*
 
...that you are the one for me, there is no other, and I am one happy wife :love:

Maybe a little frustrated :biggrin1: but in no way upset! Blogging is a form of communication and release. I feel that clearing the madness is a necessary practice. If you can communicate through your frustration by typing it out, I would love to read every word, front row seat ; )

You have the ability to speak, very well in fact, your passion comes through loud and clear... when the words come. Sometimes I become impatient :zx11pissed: forgive me??

I communicate best through emotion, I can feel your words and I believe I understand you. You may not be able to act emotion very well but you sure know how to write it; I am very proud in deed!! You put your words on supportive ground. A handy place to visit for motivation, one of the reasons I love you the most, is your commitment to grow :kiss:
 
Damn, came in late! Everyone has already said everything that I could say, and far better than I would have thought to!

Including (especially) the one that matters most: your sweet, wonderful bunny.

You will find it hard to believe, but I am not the most open person, and have a hard time, at moments, expressing verbally, what i want to say. That line of:

"when I have an idea, its well formed in my shitty little head, when it comes out it sounds like detritus tossed on a choppy sea of human waste. The wonderful things in my life are just that, independently wonderful. With the addition of me? Pfft. I depreciate that value significantly. Do I think anyone will understand this? Probably not. I'm just spitting crap on a page. This is bile, this is vitriol, this is self hate at its best. Welcome to the show."

I have felt that before. Lord help the ones in my life when i get into my moody, i have nothing of value to add to anyone's existence, mode.

Your bunny understands. You have a place to put your ideas. You want to work towards becoming more open. She is telling you she will be your pillar, your touchstone and if needed your slave i that journey; as long as you know that she herself is not perfect and may become impatient at times, and that her impatience does not diminish her love for you, not one jot nor tittle.

You are an amazing man. If you weren't, I doubt your wonderful bunny would be with you.

Take care of yourself. Know she loves you and so do we. Vent when you need to. Get those feelings OUT. :grouphug:

Now go and hug your bunny!:wink::biggrin:
 
Thanks everyone for understanding. I just had a wicked bad morning and instead of punching a wall, or yelling or being who I was ( a long time ago) I chose to vent on this forum. It has been a long time since I wrote anything. Period. Much less something this acidic. Self hate is a mofo. When its got ya, even the love of another makes you hate yourself even more. Its a sick twisted fuck. Me and him go round and round. And when she says " Don't worry I love you" he whispers in my ear " She is placating you, dont be so fucking stupid. How could anyone love such a fucked up mess?" That shit kills. So ita a hard one to fight. Emotional terrorism is a beast as well. That's another topic for another time. Meh, just trying to say thanks for the support. I was very very afraid of writing all that. Seeing ones own bile is hard. It is sickening to see what a mood can do. But I digress. I just thank you all for the kind words of support. I've already thanked my love in person for her words of love and support.


*Side note: I was and am a little ashamed I posted it here. There was a tiny part of me curious to see the reaction and that voyeur part of me is something I'm not sure I like either... But I think we all search for validation of some kind when posting this stuff. Hoping for some kind words to ease the pain that drove one to post. Anyways, I'm rambling again. Later.
:eek:uttahere:
 
OMG, first subgirrl is sharing mind space, and now you! Seriously, I have felt like thaat. Will post more later but need ot get going to work.

Take care buddy, and glad you are in a better mind/heart/soul space:hug:
 
We think alike bub. Its just how it works. Plus your a cancer. I dont know how much I believe it that but it seems to have had some significance in the past. Scorpios and Cancers are like peas in a pod. Me and the mrs are both scorpios, it makes for a heckuva interesting time. Fighting/loving/sexing. Its all very intense. Which I need, otherwise I'm fucking bored to tears. I think I thrive on friction lol.
 
Intrigue;bt36593 said:
We think alike bub. Its just how it works. Plus your a cancer. I dont know how much I believe it that but it seems to have had some significance in the past. Scorpios and Cancers are like peas in a pod. Me and the mrs are both scorpios, it makes for a heckuva interesting time. Fighting/loving/sexing. Its all very intense. Which I need, otherwise I'm fucking bored to tears. I think I thrive on friction lol.
Scorpios are cool! Not counting you two here are the other Scorpios of my life: my mom, uncle, middle Sis, eldest nephew, another dear LPSG friend, and one ex. Scorpios the lot! I was close to my mom, and my sis is my bestest friend. Cancer's can and do (from my personal experience) mesh well with Scorps. I think of it this way: Even if a Cancer and Scorp are fighting (me and my Sis have some doozies) a crab can use it's own claws to prevent the scorpion from pinching with their own, and our hard shells deflect some of the scorpions sting:biggrin: usually though, it's like two perfectly in synch entities.

You are BOTH Scorps!:eek: Oh boy! LOL! I have seen the double Scorp relationship in the form of siblings (mom and her twin bro) and mother to child (Sis to her stepson). I can very well imagine what your relationships is like, LOL! I would want to be near you when you two are both in harmony...and leave the state when you two are on the outs! :lmao:
 
RESONATIN9;bt36608 said:
Speaking of friction... :flirt:
Nononononono!!!

WAIT!!!!!!!!!

...


You need to wait for me to record it first!:naughty::mischievous::biggrin1::tongue:
 
nicodemous76;bt36615 said:
Nononononono!!!

WAIT!!!!!!!!!

...


You need to wait for me to record it first!:naughty::mischievous::biggrin1::tongue:

:blush: I'm camera shy!
 

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