Update and Rant

So in my last post I mentioned how my only sister was dying from breast cancer. She passed away a few days later on March 4th. She will be missed by all especially her Mother, Brothers, Husband of 15 years, and 3 children.
Things have been hard. She was my best friend. Out of our entire family, my father and my sister were closest to me. They knew better than anyone and understand all my many quirks. So needless to say I am having a tough time. There is a quote that says "the worst part about being strong is nobody ever ask if you are okay, and when they do, you burst into tears". There is so much truth in all of this. I have been told for the last year that I "have to be strong", well I have been strong. I have had to be here for my mom, brother-in-law, nieces and nephew and other brothers, and when I do show a sign of weakness, i get the "you have to stay strong". Nobody has asked if I was okay, or how I was doing. Not to sound selfish (because I'm really not), I don't think anyone has realized that in the last year I have lost both of my best friends. When my father died, I felt like I had no one else who understood me or had my back but my sister in Milwaukee, now she is gone, I again feel like NOBODY has my back or understands me. But because I AM strong, and my family is most important to me, I will continue to be as strong as I can for them even as I battle with my own personal issues.
Speaking of those personal issues. Is it wrong that I am looking for just a casual dating experience with a guy. I have never dated a man before and want to try. I say that, and I feel like whatever guy I end up dating is going to be my little "experiment" and they would be wasting their time. Is it wrong? Should I feel like I would be treating a guy like an experiment?

Comments

I'm sorry for your loss.

When it comes to being strong, I'm afraid that there aren't that many alternatives than to stick it out. Sooner or later, when others around have reached some semblance of normality, I think you will be able to seek them out and discuss your own feelings. Until then I'd like to drop a quote from Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time books:

"Duty is heavier than a mountain, death lighter than a feather".

To me, that has always translated to: things may be hard, and the burden may be heavy, but putting it down is not an alternative.

When it comes to sexual experimentation, I think it is very very important that you are open and clear about your intentions. It may make finding somebody to date a bit trickier, but I think the end result will be improved by everybody being in agreement about what's what.
 
You have my condolences on your losses.

I think right now you do need to do something for yourself. The first time for anyone could be seen as an experiment. I think something casual would be ok. That being said, what you see as starting out as casual could develop into a real friendship (or not) . Do you plan to look online for this person or just hook up with a random at a bar?

Either way, please be safe and use your head. This is a tough time for you so take a moment to be sure you don't end up with the wrong person.

Good advice by Zorgo
 

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