If I am ever asked what my thoughts about the meaning about marriage are, my answer will be simple: "Watch 'Shall We Dance?'" It's possibly my most favourite movie, and all because of one scene: When Susan Sarandon meets with her PI at the bar and he asks her what marriage means to her, she tells him that we all need a witness in life; a witness that sees us through the good times, the sad times and even the mundane times of our lives. Whew! It's profound...at least for me, that is.
It's a striking movie to me because in it I am able to identify how we all have an in inborn need to search for happiness and fulfilment in our lives; how this search is made easier when we have our witness with us...and how it can be devastating to our witness when this person that we've opted to have as the living journal of our realities has been left behind.
This is the backdrop upon which I will pen my thoughts today:
My wife went away on business a week after I had outed myself. I missed her terribly because we had begun a week's journey of deep, intimate sharing - she even pointed out that my coming out as being bi has furnished us with a safe place to share without any fear. When she returned, I told her that I'd spent my time alone writing down my "story". She asked me if she could read it and in my mind I went "Eek". I've always found it easier to express myself in writing, so I know that our discussions didn't express my experience as graphically as was done in my written form. (Please note that I've removed a paragraph from my original sharing because a lot has changed and I intend to share that saga in my next entry) I was afraid that it would overwhelm her and I didn't want to cause her any more pain. At the same time, I knew that by declining her request, I could easily lead her to believe that I had something to hide and that would be the greater of the two evils. Scared as I was, I printed out a copy of it and handed it to her. She set time aside and read it on the Saturday morning.
When I woke up, I was greeted by a wife in tears. My heart ached and longed to scoop her up and wipe all of her tears (and possibly hurt) away. She told me that when she read about how we had set boundaries in the manner that we had, how "Mr" and I related with each other yet, despite my falling for him I said that I'd pick her if I ever had to choose, she couldn't help but ask herself, "Why does he love me so much?" (the tears come) I told her that I've been asking myself, "Why does she love me so much?" ever since I've "outed" myself to her. I joined her with the tears...and they flowed...and they flowed some more.
She reminded me of the depth of her love and how when looking at it, no sacrifice for me is too great. (ouch!) She told me that if I were to ever meet a man, fall in love with him (like had happened with "Mr") and realise that he'd be capable of making me happier. I am to go for it. She would never dream of standing in my way. I am to leave her and follow my heart. I felt very uncomfortable and quickly reminded her that I am not gay, I'm bisexual. I may have fallen for a man, but it doesn't mean that I can be completely fulfilled by being with a man...there will still be a hole.
I experienced great discomfort; I was pained by her talk. Deeply pained. Firstly, because I didn't know if she questioned the value that I place on her and her presence in my life. Secondly, and above all else because her love challenged me very deeply. Is the depth of my love for her just as great? Would I offer to make such a sacrifice for the sake of her own happiness and well being? I know that I promised myself from the onset of my journey that if I ever reached a place where I came to see that I didn't love her in the way that she deserves or my bisexuality became a harsh reality for her, then I'd leave her. But to offer to let me go and see me with another person for the sake of my happiness?
I am still deeply challenged and in a place of quiet because of it. I cannot help but constantly reflect on her love.
I told her that the only way that I can answer her question, is by quoting the last part of my speech on our wedding day to her. (This comes from Scott M. Peck's "The Secret of Staying in Love")
"Do not ask me: 'Why do you love me?' for such a question would invite a response of conditional love. I do not love you because you look a certain way, think certain thoughts or practice certain virtues. Only ask me this: 'Do you love me?' That I may answer: 'Yes, oh YES!'"
She was amazed that I could blurt it out to her just like that, which I think helped reinforce the fact that I meant it with every fibre of my being.
So I've been deep in thought. I cannot help but reflect on her love, my need to be a witness to her life and above all else, for her to be a witness to mine. The more that I spend time with her, the more deeply, fiercely, head over heels, crazy in love I fall for her. Her presence consumes my life, she consumes my heart, she is constantly on my mind.
At times we look into each other's eyes in silence, and the love speaks so loudly that the tears begin to flow down both of our cheeks. It doesn't come from a place of pain or even joy, but from a love so deep that the only way to express it is through tears.
Every morning when I rise out of bed, I am greeted by my bisexuality. Yes, I have my fantasies and curiosity about being with another man, I am a sexual being after all. It's like having cold water thrown on my face and it leaves me wide awake. I turn over and look at her and I think about all the love that I have for her...and her for me. My heart reaches over and stirs hers and asks, "Will you be my witness...just for one more day? For each day with you is one more than I deserve."
It's a striking movie to me because in it I am able to identify how we all have an in inborn need to search for happiness and fulfilment in our lives; how this search is made easier when we have our witness with us...and how it can be devastating to our witness when this person that we've opted to have as the living journal of our realities has been left behind.
This is the backdrop upon which I will pen my thoughts today:
My wife went away on business a week after I had outed myself. I missed her terribly because we had begun a week's journey of deep, intimate sharing - she even pointed out that my coming out as being bi has furnished us with a safe place to share without any fear. When she returned, I told her that I'd spent my time alone writing down my "story". She asked me if she could read it and in my mind I went "Eek". I've always found it easier to express myself in writing, so I know that our discussions didn't express my experience as graphically as was done in my written form. (Please note that I've removed a paragraph from my original sharing because a lot has changed and I intend to share that saga in my next entry) I was afraid that it would overwhelm her and I didn't want to cause her any more pain. At the same time, I knew that by declining her request, I could easily lead her to believe that I had something to hide and that would be the greater of the two evils. Scared as I was, I printed out a copy of it and handed it to her. She set time aside and read it on the Saturday morning.
When I woke up, I was greeted by a wife in tears. My heart ached and longed to scoop her up and wipe all of her tears (and possibly hurt) away. She told me that when she read about how we had set boundaries in the manner that we had, how "Mr" and I related with each other yet, despite my falling for him I said that I'd pick her if I ever had to choose, she couldn't help but ask herself, "Why does he love me so much?" (the tears come) I told her that I've been asking myself, "Why does she love me so much?" ever since I've "outed" myself to her. I joined her with the tears...and they flowed...and they flowed some more.
She reminded me of the depth of her love and how when looking at it, no sacrifice for me is too great. (ouch!) She told me that if I were to ever meet a man, fall in love with him (like had happened with "Mr") and realise that he'd be capable of making me happier. I am to go for it. She would never dream of standing in my way. I am to leave her and follow my heart. I felt very uncomfortable and quickly reminded her that I am not gay, I'm bisexual. I may have fallen for a man, but it doesn't mean that I can be completely fulfilled by being with a man...there will still be a hole.
I experienced great discomfort; I was pained by her talk. Deeply pained. Firstly, because I didn't know if she questioned the value that I place on her and her presence in my life. Secondly, and above all else because her love challenged me very deeply. Is the depth of my love for her just as great? Would I offer to make such a sacrifice for the sake of her own happiness and well being? I know that I promised myself from the onset of my journey that if I ever reached a place where I came to see that I didn't love her in the way that she deserves or my bisexuality became a harsh reality for her, then I'd leave her. But to offer to let me go and see me with another person for the sake of my happiness?
I am still deeply challenged and in a place of quiet because of it. I cannot help but constantly reflect on her love.
I told her that the only way that I can answer her question, is by quoting the last part of my speech on our wedding day to her. (This comes from Scott M. Peck's "The Secret of Staying in Love")
"Do not ask me: 'Why do you love me?' for such a question would invite a response of conditional love. I do not love you because you look a certain way, think certain thoughts or practice certain virtues. Only ask me this: 'Do you love me?' That I may answer: 'Yes, oh YES!'"
She was amazed that I could blurt it out to her just like that, which I think helped reinforce the fact that I meant it with every fibre of my being.
So I've been deep in thought. I cannot help but reflect on her love, my need to be a witness to her life and above all else, for her to be a witness to mine. The more that I spend time with her, the more deeply, fiercely, head over heels, crazy in love I fall for her. Her presence consumes my life, she consumes my heart, she is constantly on my mind.
At times we look into each other's eyes in silence, and the love speaks so loudly that the tears begin to flow down both of our cheeks. It doesn't come from a place of pain or even joy, but from a love so deep that the only way to express it is through tears.
Every morning when I rise out of bed, I am greeted by my bisexuality. Yes, I have my fantasies and curiosity about being with another man, I am a sexual being after all. It's like having cold water thrown on my face and it leaves me wide awake. I turn over and look at her and I think about all the love that I have for her...and her for me. My heart reaches over and stirs hers and asks, "Will you be my witness...just for one more day? For each day with you is one more than I deserve."