With Apologies to Judy

Role reversal. Steve is the counsellor,

"You wanted me to 'find' you by reading all about you; is that right?" He asked.

"Kind of. Not so much find me but come to see me in context - maybe understand the things that went into making me, the events that shape one's life and character."

"And you've somehow convinced yourself that you're just using me; have I got that right?" Steve asked.

I nodded and he continued: "And you're agonising over the fact that we're both guys; you worry about being gay because you feel certain you prefer women?"

Again I nodded, and then said: "I'm not feeling self-disgust at what we do. I enjoy sex and I want to be held close and kissed, but I worry about falling in love - either of us, or both of us - because I believe love should include commitment and I've no idea how to achieve that with another guy. In fact, I've no idea how I'd achieve it with a woman either."

"Well that's not news to me" Steve replied. "Even without reading a single thing you've written, I already knew that you are still in love with your wife and always will be. I know that you have lived for your children and probably always will. And I know that - however much you lose yourself in the moment - you're not really comfortable with the guy thing. I've known this almost from the first moment - that day you gave me a lift home from the gym."

"And that doesn't bother you?" I asked.

"Bother me? No. I'm conscious you have other responsibilities and that you're ambivalent about being bisexual, but it doesn't trouble me in any way. It would bother me more if we'd never connected at all, if you'd never succumbed to my charms; and it would really piss me off if I found myself resorting to beats or gay bars again in order to get my rocks off with a complete stranger."

"And you don't feel I'm using you?" was my next question.

Steve laughed and said: "No. I don't tend to think like that but, if anything, I am using you. I'm doing exactly what I want to do with the very guy I want to do it with, and I'm doing that even though I know you'll eventually be tortured by your conscience."

"Well, I'm a big boy now" I said. "I've never done anything with you because there was a gun at my head. I enjoy your company and I think you're an incredibly attractive guy. You have a great body, you're handsome, you're talented and sensitive and I've enjoyed every moment we've spent together, whether in bed or out of it."

"But you'd rather I was a woman?" Steve teased.

"No" I replied. "I'm very much aware that you're a man and I appreciate and care for you as a man. I don't fantasise that you're a woman when we're in bed together. If I'd never met you, I'd still be floundering around looking for some woman to love and that wouldn't work either."

"Let me guess" said Steve. "The kids don't want a step-mother; you don't want the baggage of step-children and ex-husbands; and you don't want a live-in lover anyway. If it helps at all, I don't want to be a gay step-father and I really do prefer to live alone. I'd like to meet your children and be accepted as one of your friends, but I don't want to swan around with you as a gay couple. I'm truly happy just to be with you whenever we're able to manage it, if only for a game of tennis or a day out on the estuary."

What's in it for you?" I asked. "I can't expect you to just sit around hoping I'll pop by whenever my schedule permits. That's ridiculous."

"If it were true then, yes, it would be ridiculous" Steve retorted. "Firstly, however, I do not just sit around hoping for anything - I've always got about six different works in progress at any one time and I happen to love living here all by myself."

"Secondly" he went on "You know I asked around about you and everyone told me what a great person you are. What I've read today just takes my admiration of you to a new level. You're a fantastic, caring guy and I'm happy to have you in my life at whatever level."

"Oh yes" I said. "I'm practically a saint. Some days I only screw one of my friends at the slightest opportunity!"

Steve continued on. "And thirdly - and I'm serious about this - how long is it since someone last told you how gorgeous you are?"

"Try never" I said laughing. "Sometimes, if I dim the bathroom light and suck my stomach in far enough, I'm a Greek god! I blow myself a kiss in the mirror! My daughters think I look 'a bit of a spunk' in some old photos, but I think my days as one of the beautiful people are far behind me."

"Well I'm the artist in residence" Steve said "and I know beauty when I see it, and, having read your journals, I now know of the beauty that lies below the skin as well."

Anxious to change the subject, I asked Steve if he understood why I'd wanted him to read my stuff. He is an astute guy. He recognises that I write far more comfortably than I speak, especially where emotions are concerned, and he thanked me for granting him a peek into my soul. He also acknowledged that we may have skirted around issues forever had I not dumped all these writen words upon his table and demanded that he read them and understand my need for truth between us.

"Tell me again" he asked "why did you wink at me that morning in the showers?"

"Well I'd had a good session in the gym - I was feeling fit and full of the joys of spring; and then I saw you checking me out and I thought 'he's a cute guy'. I was flattered that you found me more interesting than the other old farts and I thought a quick wink was called for. Maybe I thought you'd find it disconcerting. Or maybe I just wanted to let you know that looking was okay. And then you were in the sauna a day or two later and I realise you had an erection and I was the only other guy in sight. My turn to be disconcerted. You really do have a wonderful body."

"We both do" he said, laughing. "I'm the artist though. I'm the expert on anatomy - and you've got the most fantastic cock in the whole world too."

Afer that comment, there was only one inevitability. My cock responds well to compliments and Steve knelt by my chair and took me in his mouth. No frantic head-bobbing - just warmth and wetness and a swirling tongue. Soon - all too soon - he was swallowing my load as he jerked his own cock and spurted a jet of cum across the linoleum floor.

As he rose to his feet, Steve gave me a quick kiss on the lips.

"Do you feel better now? he asked - and he was not referring to the recent sexual release.

"Yes, I do. I no longer feel as though I've been using you. I don't feel selfish now and - please don't be offended - I'm glad you don't have dreams of us playing house together and endlessly listening to Barbra Sreisand and Judy Garland records! I was vain enough to feel you expected some huge level of commitment fromm me."

"Well, I do" Steve replied. "I expect to be the only guy you fool around with from now onwards'"

"Done" I said. "And women?"

"Let's just take it as it comes. If you meet Ms Right, then I'll encourage you to go for it, but I think you already know that only one Ms Right comes along in a lifetime. You're not the sort of guy who'll settle for Ms Second-Best. Besides, I have plans to drain you at every opportunity. You'll barely have the energy to search elsewhere!"

So that's how my Monday went. Am I more comfortable with the guy thing now? Yes. I think Steve and I have agreed on a reasonable basis for a close friendship ... perhaps with benefits for both of us.

It takes a lot to ease my concience but it does feel smoothed this evening. And I'm glad I winked that morning in the shower.

Comments

I'm still shaking my head. And obviously I have a lot of opinions on this :) However, I really really like Steve and I agree with his assessment of you - you are a beautiful man!
 
Oh my, it seems you and he are coming to an arrangement! It is so extremely sane and salubrious to keep things as they are. You don't have to get a marriage license or even make announcements. Just make right.

It is how I feel about my current partners as well. Our families are not going to blend and I knew it would not be likely anyhow as one of mine has developmental challenges. Households need not be upended by love!
 
Postscript. Some people would be full of guilt about sharing these details online as you do. But you do not, thank goodness for your reading acquaintances who are reaping the benefit of your frankness.
 
Steve sees clearly and is hopeful of continuing a relationship he's comfortable with and hopes you will be as well, one day. You are more comfortable with Steve post session, but have not described how this all fits together for you. We know you to be honest and forthright, but there are two kids who have eaten the sandwiches you left for them and don't exactly know where Dad went today.

And the Activities Guy has yet to visit.

You are living a complicated life. Today was not exactly a simple drifting with events. I am very grateful for your willingness to share. And the opportunity to be with you.
 
You must be a traffic-stoppingly handsome man.

And *yay* one with a brain, soul and conscience. It's an irresistible combination.
 
So much for that Catholic guilt! Bravo to you both for your forthrightness and courage and belief in each other and yourselves. I'm not sure your lives are any less complicated, but for sure they are more comfortable and there is certainly a lot to be said for that.
 
LaFemme & Tamuning - As ever, love and thanks.
Helgaleena - Glad you agree that arrangements are civilised and you're absolutely right - love needn't upend households. As for frankness - well, we're of a similar vintage. You get to a certain age and time constraints oblige you to be more direct!
lgtrmusr - Fear not. the sandwiches were uneaten when I got home. The kids were asleep ... again. Adolescence involves lengthy periods of recuperation!
ChgoVoyeur - Traffic? Maybe once upon a time. Clocks? More likely! Anyway, your Freudian slip is showing - when did you suddenly start caring about what there is above the belt!
 

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