“Fluidity” Confusion

[Imeannnidhitit]

I have this friend who I have been close with for some time, we always had a strange friendship (he would sleep in my bed, and we were extremely sensitive with each other), and we always dated girls and nothing ever happened between us (I'm a guy, he's a guy) however he eventually disappeared and we haven't spoken for 8 years. Just last year he reached out to me and we started hanging out again, I remember seeing him married and seemingly happy. I would come to visit him here and there but realized more and more-I've never met his wife. I started getting the feeling they were going to divorce, well, two weeks later after I asked him about his relationship and how it seemed weird I never met his wife....he told her he wanted to file for divorce.

Now that he's divorced he tells me he's wanting to practice his "fluidity" and how he doesn't want to go too far with me besides kissing? I guess I'm confused because one of the last things he said to me when we stopped talking was how he wanted a "straight guy friendship" but years later he reaches out and now he only seems to want to experiment with me (I never offered btw). Admittedly, he said he wasn't into me like that back then, but all of sudden I'm the only person he wants to move forward with his "fluidity". Apparently, he realized that being with his wife was not making him happy and his "fluidity" had nothing to do with it...

We hung out a few months ago and there was alcohol involved so we found ourselves making out, I realized it wasn't what I expected as I felt myself looking to fondle a breast and obviously, he doesn't have that LOL Anyway, we talked about things moving forward to try other stuff and then the following weekend he tells me, he sees my friendship with him as one he doesn't want to lose again and because of that he doesn't want to try anything because he sees his experimentation as something to try out with someone more or less to use them until he's comfortable and from there he will want to find someone based on his findings... I didn't like hearing this because I felt like I got played, and also I don't think "using" anyone is cool.

So 4 weeks later, we talk here and there but nowhere near as much as we used to (which used to be every day). At this point, I don't understand how someone goes from "not wanting ruin a friendship he fought hard to get back" to almost not speaking. He claims he's found his "introverted self" and is ok with hanging by himself again. After a few times of prodding he comes out with it and tells me he feels I may have "used him" for my own means of exploring and took advantage of him being single. I couldn't understand why he couldn't tell me that from the jump,but that obviously wasn't my M.O. Since this conversation we haven't spoken,should I leave it the way it is or address him again about it.

 

[Kubed]

To me it seems like he's used you to experiment and no longer needs you for that so has gone a bit cold. That's just my reading of it and could be wrong - but why get in touch out of the blue, do stuff, claim to "not want to ruin the friendship" and then ghost again? If it was me, I wouldn't initiate any more contact unless you need some further explanation from him. It doesn't seem like a healthy relationship unless he can more open with himself and with you.

 

[halcyondays]

Sounds like you need to clear the air with him.

He feels used by you. Do you feel used by him? Both of you were open to experimenting and made out when alcohol lowered your inhibitions. Are you still interested?

His "introverted self" explanation seems thin. I'd ask if he tried it and didn't like it or is unsure or needs more time or just isn't that into you. Maybe he just doesn't know what he wants. Yet.

If he won't open up or isn't able to express himself I'd let it go.

I've been with many guys who are new at it and go in fits and starts. If he's like that you'll have to decide if you're open to future advances from him--not something you have to decide forever now.

My instincts are tingling remembering guys who've made out with me then disappeared only to come back when they were ready for more and ended up in my bed eventually.

Full disclosure. Many didn't.

 

[AfterHours69]

What do you want?

 

[Imeannnidhitit]

Sounds like you need to clear the air with him.

He feels used by you. Do you feel used by him? Both of you were open to experimenting and made out when alcohol lowered your inhibitions. Are you still interested?

His "introverted self" explanation seems thin. I'd ask if he tried it and didn't like it or is unsure or needs more time or just isn't that into you. Maybe he just doesn't know what he wants. Yet.

If he won't open up or isn't able to express himself I'd let it go.

I've been with many guys who are new at it and go in fits and starts. If he's like that you'll have to decide if you're open to future advances from him--not something you have to decide forever now.

My instincts are tingling remembering guys who've made out with me then disappeared only to come back when they were ready for more and ended up in my bed eventually.

Full disclosure. Many didn't.

I guess, I was confused after “the kiss”. He brought it up several times and kept throwing scenarios about where and when we would do it again. I stayed silent mostly because although he and I had crazy good chemistry. Surprisingly, I wasn’t blown away by the make-out session. I recall him telling me about how much he bragged about it to his friends. I guess if I were to experiment with anyone, it wouldve been him, but then next thing you know, HE felt I pushed him into doing and/or considering things and ghosted me after I stood up for myself since I dont believe in “pushing” anything on to anybody. How can you feel pushed if you’re mentioning future scenarios? Its been since 2018 since we last talked but it’s something that pops into my mind every now and again. He’s now a dating a girl who reminds me of his ex-wife now.

 

[Imeannnidhitit]

What do you want?

Closure, I guess.
It’s a fatal flaw of mine..I can never understand why I would ever have such good chemistry with someone that ultimately went no-where.
Like, what was the point? Lol

 

[ToryK]

Closure, I guess.
It’s a fatal flaw of mine..I can never understand why I would ever have such good chemistry with someone that ultimately went no-where.
Like, what was the point? Lol

Wow. A lot to unpack here. It sounds like, regardless of who "made the first move", you have a genuine interest in him, either sexually or romantically (or both). It also seems that connecting with another guy on such an intimate level is relatively new for both of you.

If (*big* if) I'm correct in my assumptions, then it's not surprising that you're involved in a complex, somewhat scary and confusing dance.

Bottom line - I suggest you think long and hard about @AfterHours69 's question. If you're able to be truly honest with yourself, you'll know how to proceed.

"Closure" of some sort might be enough. On the other hand, as I read between the lines of your posts, I can't help wondering if this experience has awakened a deeper longing in you.

Take care of your own heart, brother.

 

[halcyondays]

I guess, I was confused after “the kiss”. He brought it up several times and kept throwing scenarios about where and when we would do it again. I stayed silent mostly because although he and I had crazy good chemistry. Surprisingly, I wasn’t blown away by the make-out session. I recall him telling me about how much he bragged about it to his friends. I guess if I were to experiment with anyone, it wouldve been him, but then next thing you know, HE felt I pushed him into doing and/or considering things and ghosted me after I stood up for myself since I dont believe in “pushing” anything on to anybody. How can you feel pushed if you’re mentioning future scenarios? Its been since 2018 since we last talked but it’s something that pops into my mind every now and again. He’s now a dating a girl who reminds me of his ex-wife now.

He instigates it, boasts about it then blames you? Yikes. I wouldn't attempt to make or maintain any contact with this guy. Your turn to ghost him if he ever comes back.

Coming up on four years with no contact? Time to let it go.

I'm sorry it leaves you without a sense of closure. That's the way it goes sometimes. Unfortunately.

If it happened to me I'm not sure I'd consider it good chemistry--at least not in retrospect.

 

[Mattxxxxxxxx]

I kinda understand you on the closure aspect. If you need to call him up and you think you have the strength you should do it. Being confused with your sexuality is no excuse to mess with other's minds. Maybe the more time that passes is worse...

 

[Baynes]

It doesn't look like he was looking for anything serious, or that he is clear about his needs, otherwise why the ghosting...

 

[Imeannnidhitit]

Update…,he had his “coming out” post during National Coming Out Day last year and now considers himself queer and non-binary. I reached out to him a few months after, just for closure and to see where his head was at. He acknowledged that he loved the times between us but also needed time before we hung back out again. And stated he disappeared because I wanted “more than he can give” at the moment. If that’s his perception, while I can respect it,I couldnt help but wonder how delusional this kid was this whole time. In any case, I left the ball in his court and honestly, for once I feel good about where it goes from here. Just..wow.

 

[AfterHours69]

Update…,he had his “coming out” post during National Coming Out Day last year and now considers himself queer and non-binary. I reached out to him a few months after, just for closure and to see where his head was at. He acknowledged that he loved the times between us but also needed time before we hung back out again. And stated he disappeared because I wanted “more than he can give” at the moment. If that’s his perception, while I can respect it,I couldnt help but wonder how delusional this kid was this whole time. In any case, I left the ball in his court and honestly, for once I feel good about where it goes from here. Just..wow.

Hey-thanks for the update. Glad you’ve made some kind of peace with it.

 

[Ahhh Ha]

He was probably upset and maybe felt you wasn't as receptive toward him like he initially thought. When he divorced his wife, he wanted you to be there emotionally and didn't get this?

It doesn't sound like you two have good communication at all.

 

[Imeannnidhitit]

He wasnt upset about his divorce at all, i asked him multiple times. In fact, he said he was relieved. I was there for him all those times, its once he decided I “wanted more” that he bounced on me. As open as Ive been, i think irs crazy the blame is once again my fault. He would initate convos about us going further, not me.

 

[Infernal]

Sometimes being ghosted is all the closure you need when you’ve done nothing wrong.

 

[Ahhh Ha]

He wasnt upset about his divorce at all, i asked him multiple times. In fact, he said he was relieved. I was there for him all those times, its once he decided I “wanted more” that he bounced on me. As open as Ive been, i think irs crazy the blame is once again my fault. He would initate convos about us going further, not me.

Two things here...

1) He uses you as a rebound, then creates a problem to get out.

2) He's really only comfortable being with you behind closed doors.

I don't think he's communicating what he truly wants from you.