11 reasons I prefer open relationships

[B_quietguy]

Quote:
Originally Posted by quietguy

Nope. My parents are still married and get along with each other just fine. My family knows about my open relationship style and most of them are okay with it. I know of plenty of people in open relationships that were raised in healthy and emotionally safe families.

Are you assuming that people who want open relationships came from dyfunctional families?

No. I was just wondering if this might be the case for you.

Decades ago, people assumed that gays and lesbians must have come from dysfunctional families. Now only the far right fringe dares to put forth claims like that. If you want to make up some equally asinine theory about polyamorous people, go ahead, but don't expect any rational person to believe you.

What? I asked direct questions which required only a direct answer. Not a tirade in which you pretend to know what I was thinking at the time of asking those questions. Not a test of your psychic abilities; where you purport to know my own feelings regarding the situation featured in this thread.

Now all of a sudden I am the first person to wonder if sometimes people who can't commit to one person came from unstable homes?

Now I am being irrational?

These questions don't require a response by the way, I wouldn't want you to miss the point again and go off on one.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dolfette

have you ever studied the mating habits of other primates? how our invented morals dictate we run our relationships is pretty far removed from how nature programmed us to, IMO.

Have you ever studied English? Have you ever studied graphology? Did you ever use capital letters?

Well I think nature programmed us all with enough variety that there is no "one size" or "one theory" that fits all.

the assumption that anyone not wanting to get hooked up with 'the one' & live happily ever after must be damaged is a very odd one.

You are a very odd one.

...are you from a very religious background perhaps?

No.

In case people are still missing the point...We know what I said because it is stated clearly in my previous post. It's also bolded in this post.

Here's what I didn't say:

All people in open relationships must be "damaged" or come from unstable or broken family units

I didn't say anything about gays or lesbians (but for some reason quietguy did)

I didn't mention anything about religion

I will refrain from asking anymore questions since it's quite clear that curiosity will only be met with animosity.

Looks like you're the one made a big long tirade! If this was a face-to-face conversation, your question would be very inappropriate to ask in public, and your big long tirade after you got a response you didn't like would come across as a drama scene.

 

[B_quietguy]

Come on, it's like asking someone if they're demented and expecting them to not draw the conclusion that you think they are!

And because he did conclude that you were inferring poly people are from bad homes, a good point was raised that once many people thought that about gays.

Times have moved on a little, thankfully. I can sympathize with the social difficulties people who are open about their open relationships endure. Others can still be difficult about it.

Don't refrain from asking, but know that sometimes a simple question can be misconstrued as a judgmental statement.

Anyway this is one experience of open relationships. Others do not function on the same level. For example you mentioned the "Poly Community". Most people in open relationships don't do it this way. That formality is not for me, it almost sounds like a facebook for polygamers'. I like things more laid back.

Hi Fullyfed, I marked part of your comment in bold because that's the pith of the matter here. I think Incocknito should have refrained from asking. You're right that a question like his right out of the blue without any prior discussion on this thread about the background of polyamorists is going to come across as judgment and an inference that poly people come from dysfunctional families. His question also comes across as very rude.

 

[B_quietguy]

Is it an open relationship or are you just a bachelor with a bunch of fuck buddies?

There is a big difference between a bachelor with fuck buddies and somebody in an open relationship. Fuck buddies usually have no commitment and little emotional intimacy. My long term open relationship comes with commitment and emotional intimacy - but it also comes with an agreement that we allow each other to have both friends-with-benefits and intimacy with outside partners. So, to answer your question, I am not a bachelor with fuck buddies.

 

[TomCat84]

To compare us to lower forms of primates is a bit of a stretch. We do A LOT of things that gorillas and chimpanzees don't. We go to school and learn spoken languages and higher mathematics. We think about thinking. While we often cannot deny our basic nature, such as our sometimes strong sex drives, that doesn't mean that we have to give in to our more base instincts. In the wild, if a male gorilla wants sex, he fucks a female gorilla. There's no issue about whether or not the female gorilla wants sex. There is no crime of rape among non human animals. So the fact that we are primates too is irrelevant. Having said that, what you do in your private lives is your own damn business, and I have no right to condemn you for participating in activities that all parties are aware of and consent to. You're all adults, so get down with your bad self. For me at least, an open relationship would be limited to having a third or fourth (or more) join occasionally, with my partner there. I barely have enough of an attention span to devote to myself and my partner, let alone a third or fourth boyfriend. But that's just me.

EDIT: poor spelling

 

[dolfette]

we do lots of things through social conditioning, tis true.
but look at our most basic and base instincts and you'll see we're nothing but animals.

 

[D_Harvey Schmeckel]

I've been in one LTR that was totally monogamous, which in retrospect I think destroyed it. My second LTR was wide-open polyamorous, which again in retrospect seems to have doomed it to fail. Polyamory within defined limits is my current situation, and this relationship is happier and has lasted longer than the other two. We all need or want both security and variety; my previous relationships slighted one for the other, but no more.

 

[HiddenLacey]

Personally I see nothing wrong with people living their lives however they want too as long as they are not hurting anyone else. I recently met a really nice guy that is in a polyfidelity relantionship with 1 girl... and she has 3 other boyfriends. For myself I think that I could deal with a polyfidelity relationship if we were all commited to one another more like FFM or MMF etc. I do have one bi set of friends that are quietly searching for the right girl to bring into their relantionship, they both love each other very much, but they like girls too. I say why not. Polyamory is alittle more difficult for me as a person because I know that I wouldn't feel comfortable in the situation.

Not saying any situation is correct or incorrect as long as it's consenting adults and everyone knows what their getting into so no feelings get hurt.

 

[D_Eddie Withagun]

In the wild, if a male gorilla wants sex, he fucks a female gorilla. There's no issue about whether or not the female gorilla wants sex.

Same-sex sexual interactions are widespread throughout the animal kingdom, and occur quite frequently in primates like gorillas. Sorry for the off-topic.

 

[D_Toren_Adopants]

I don't understand open relationships why not just have fuck buddies?

 

[dolfette]

I don't understand open relationships why not just have fuck buddies?

because they're in love with their partners.
because they might want to live together, get a dog, have some kids.

just because you love someone, doesn't change who you are.

 

[flame boy]

A really interesting thread. I read the OP's points and I don't really see anything there that is not matched by a monogamous relationship. This is in no way an attack on the OP, but I do see open relationships as a greedy thing. Often, not always, it seems that the mantra of "I can't get it from X so I will get that from Y" - relationships are never perfect, there is no such thing as a perfect partner, I find the Frankenstein mentality (whereby a perfect partner is constructed out of 5 or 6 or however many people) as something of a denial of the reality of a relationships.

I admire the trust and relaxed attitude of open relationships, however where there are plus points I also find there are huge pitfalls.

 

[petite]

I agree with a few of the posters here that open relationships require open communication and ground rules. Why? Because open relationships can be tricky...and rules help reduce the possibility of things gone wrong. If things do go wrong...one partner develops an attachment to someone outside the relationship, or jealousy enters the picture somehow...the rules will be evoked to protect the relationship that the "openness" is supposed to enhance. It seems odd that the act of strengthening the relationship is the same act that might increase the odds of ending it. That seems counterproductive to me.

Monogamous relationships aren't immune to failure either. They fail for thousands of reasons, including affairs and adultery. In efforts to remove that threat, it seems that open relationships simply trade one risk for a host of new threats. Though I think both types of relationships can survive, polyamorists face a major minefield to overcome to make it work.

Wise, as usual.

Is it an open relationship or are you just a bachelor with a bunch of fuck buddies?

There is a big difference between a bachelor with fuck buddies and somebody in an open relationship. Fuck buddies usually have no commitment and little emotional intimacy. My long term open relationship comes with commitment and emotional intimacy - but it also comes with an agreement that we allow each other to have both friends-with-benefits and intimacy with outside partners. So, to answer your question, I am not a bachelor with fuck buddies.

I suppose my experiences are different. I suppose there are different kinds of fuck buddy relationships. Maybe the solution is not a complicated open relationship arrangement, but a fuck buddy relationship wherein there is emotional intimacy?

A really interesting thread. I read the OP's points and I don't really see anything there that is not matched by a monogamous relationship. This is in no way an attack on the OP, but I do see open relationships as a greedy thing. Often, not always, it seems that the mantra of "I can't get it from X so I will get that from Y" - relationships are never perfect, there is no such thing as a perfect partner, I find the Frankenstein mentality (whereby a perfect partner is constructed out of 5 or 6 or however many people) as something of a denial of the reality of a relationships.

I admire the trust and relaxed attitude of open relationships, however where there are plus points I also find there are huge pitfalls.

Wisely put.

 

[AlteredEgo]

I consider humans above primates so I would not accept the comparison. Humans mind power are not the same. We are able not only to do better but also to think better than animals. A dog eats his own shit but I don't. Because sex is so random having one person is special. If everyone had a ruby they would be worthless.

Not to nit-pick, but i was under the distinct impression that dogs are not primates. Humans have more in common with frogs than with dogs.

12. Or do you like to take the risk of not knowing who you got that STD from. Or for that matter calling all your "open relationship" partners and telling them they need to get to the clinic quick. LOL

How is this different from a single person who is promiscuous while they wait to encounter someone who makes it worthwhile to forsake all others?

Monogamous relationships aren't immune to failure either. They fail for thousands of reasons, including affairs and adultery. In efforts to remove that threat, it seems that open relationships simply trade one risk for a host of new threats. Though I think both types of relationships can survive, polyamorists face a major minefield to overcome to make it work.

I agree whole-heartedly with this. I have never judged any poly-people I knew. I do so wish they'd stop judging me for enjoying my monogamy.

In the wild, if a male gorilla wants sex, he fucks a female gorilla. There's no issue about whether or not the female gorilla wants sex. There is no crime of rape among non human animals. So the fact that we are primates too is irrelevant.

Same-sex sexual interactions are widespread throughout the animal kingdom, and occur quite frequently in primates like gorillas. Sorry for the off-topic.

That is not the point at all. The point is Gorillas frequently commit rrapes, but never moralize about it. We are vaguely related, but not so much to insist that their behavior is more natural for our own behavior.

Having said that, what you do in your private lives is your own damn business, and I have no right to condemn you for participating in activities that all parties are aware of and consent to. You're all adults, so get down with your bad self ...I barely have enough of an attention span to devote to myself and my partner, let alone a third or fourth boyfriend. But that's just me.

I agree with all of this.

 

[Big Irish]

...people eat shit too. two girls one cup. you should watch it. it's neato!

Anyone who says that is neato, must like collecting mental damage!:biggrin1:
We are primates, but we are at the top end. We can and should do better. This idea that we should break down our morality, so everyone can be "happy" , is in my opinion a dangerous trend. Maybe instead of bed hopping we should, talk to one another and find out why they feel the need to step out? I have a few friends that are swingers, and all but one couple have had issues because of it. To each their own so long as the can handle the aftermath. ie. don't expect my tax dollars to help pay for std/kids.

 

[Big Irish]

just because you love someone, doesn't change who you are.

This is true, if you can't see out side yourself. If you can, then being in love DOES change you. Hell, I quit doing drugs when I met my love. I mean what do you think the compromises are, that are in every successful relationship. Unless you are totally self centered, real love brings change!

 

[dolfette]

Not to nit-pick, but i was under the distinct impression that dogs are not primates. Humans have more in common with frogs than with dogs.

noooo! study dog psychology sometime. it's a huge insight into human behaviour. to the point of being funny.

Anyone who says that is neato, must like collecting mental damage!:biggrin1:
We are primates, but we are at the top end. We can and should do better. This idea that we should break down our morality, so everyone can be "happy" , is in my opinion a dangerous trend. Maybe instead of bed hopping we should, talk to one another and find out why they feel the need to step out? I have a few friends that are swingers, and all but one couple have had issues because of it. To each their own so long as the can handle the aftermath. ie. don't expect my tax dollars to help pay for std/kids.

i don't think we should all just accept the usual morality without question.
if people did then homosexuality would still be illegal and divorce would be a no-no. we'd still be stoning people to death.
we should each of us consider the moral argument for and against our actions. consider if it would harm anyone who has not made informed consent. consider the value of our happiness V the sneers of others.

This is true, if you can't see out side yourself. If you can, then being in love DOES change you. Hell, I quit doing drugs when I met my love. I mean what do you think the compromises are, that are in every successful relationship. Unless you are totally self centred, real love brings change!

no, i think it can bring out the best in people, change their actions, but rarely changes who people really are. but then i don't do love, so i'm an observer.

 

[invisibleman]

Why I prefer open and poly relationships over closed and monogamous ones. Sure a lot of these reasons can apply to monogamous couples, but these reasons are much more applicable to poly relationships.

1. I don't have to be the one perfect partner for any of my partners. If there are certain needs, interests, or activities that I want that I can't provide, they are free to have relationships with others.

I totally wish that I had this mindset a lot sooner when I was coming out. I think that I would've been a lot more happier instead of putting all my basket into one Humpty Dumpty. :smile:

2. I don't expect any of my partners to be everything for me. If you love somebody, why put such a high expectation on them?


3. If my partners are happy dating others, then I have happy partners. That's great because if they are happy, then that adds to my happiness.

What if there is a problem where guys aren't able to hook up or they don't want to date you anymore?

4. If I have a disagreement with my partner, I can ask one of their other partners for advice.

Well, if you have a problem with one guy. You should handle it with that guy. Or do you want multiple guys telling your business to everyone they saw fit? I can also ask my friends or my partner's friends about this, but I've discovered the most insightful advice comes from my partner's other partners because they know that person so well.

5. If one of my partners has certain habits I don't like, I can check with their other partners to see how they deal with it.

6. If I have a behavior that annoys my partners, they can discuss it amongst themselves to see if it is me or just their reaction to me that gets them annoyed.

7. If I want to date somebody new, all I have to do is chat with my current partners. Unlike monogamous people who either have to deny their interest in others, cheat, or break up.

Don't make it monogamous. Be in an open relationship.

8. I like the fact that if somebody is not good to their partners in bed or out of bed, word gets around the poly community and that person generally soon has no partners.

That is fucked up. Ostracism is not good. How would you like to be the target of social conditioning?

9. If one of my partners is not interested in sex at that moment, I can ask another partner and there are no hurt feelings. If a monogamous person is not in the mood, then their partner doesn't get their needs for sexual enjoyment met.

I agree.

10. If I am not in the mood for a certain kind of sex, I can encourage my partners to ask another.

I agree.

11. I get to enjoy a wide variety of sexual activities and sexual styles.

Yeah.

I like the idea of open relationships. The poly ostracism part is totally wrong if that sort of thing happens. I hope that isn't true.

 

[B_quietguy]

I like the idea of open relationships. The poly ostracism part is totally wrong if that sort of thing happens. I hope that isn't true.

Let me clarify that since I don't favor ostracism either. This kind of ostracism gets reserved for people who are truly abusive or emotionally manipulative.

I can think of one only person who got ostracized - a woman who was a narcissistic sociopath. She got lots of attention because she was young, cute, bi, and liked to have sex with lots of partners. Eventually people figured out she was a sociopath who lied and poisoned other people's relationships so the community stopped inviting her to social events. When she realized her social network collapsed, she left the Bay Area for New York City. The poly community here has not ostracized somebody like that in a long while. Since then, the community has learned to look for signs that a person is manipulative.

While on the subject, I'd like mention that drama queens and needy remoras tend to get the cold shoulder as well - but that's not the same as somebody getting ostracized to the point where they leave town.

 

[invisibleman]

Let me clarify that since I don't favor ostracism either. This kind of ostracism gets reserved for people who are truly abusive or emotionally manipulative.

I can think of one only person who got ostracized - a woman who was a narcissistic sociopath. She got lots of attention because she was young, cute, bi, and liked to have sex with lots of partners. Eventually people figured out she was a sociopath who lied and poisoned other people's relationships so the community stopped inviting her to social events. When she realized her social network collapsed, she left the Bay Area for New York City. The poly community here has not ostracized somebody like that in a long while. Since then, the community has learned to look for signs that a person is manipulative.

While on the subject, I'd like mention that drama queens and needy remoras tend to get the cold shoulder as well - but that's not the same as somebody getting ostracized to the point where they leave town.

Wow. She must've been a really bad girl to get all that.
The poly community don't play.

When the ostracism happens, is the target made aware of their trespasses beforehand? Or do they get the silent treatment outright? Sometimes the ostracized don't really understand what is happening and that can be mean.

I have been ostracized before by family and by friends. That wasn't fun. When I would try to find out the reasons...they would never ever say.