20 and still a virgin.

[Symphonic]

When it comes to something serious I just run away. I actually think i will never have sex because I am too scared to do it

Your age means nothing. This is your issue.

Maybe this could be because I am not exactly sure do I wanna lose virginity with a guy or a girl ? I am still all confused about my sexuality even though guys in my age already know their sexual orientation.

That's a self-depreciating perception. A lot of people in college, and even beyond, aren't sure of their orientations. That's why all of that "experimentation" nonsense takes place under the influence of drugs and alcohol. As for "what to do"; don't worry about it; most of the time sex is not a graceful or well-played out act anyway.

Any advices ?

1. Don't worry about your age.

2. Don't worry so much about your identity; it will come to you if you wait.

3. No self pressure.

 

[sleepiboi]

I'll be 21 next month, and I still haven't had sex. I am quite nervous to as a matter of fact, but I have taken baby steps as in getting head. I'm working my way up to it + waiting for the right person. Just relax man and the time will come

 

[SomeGuyOverThere]

Okay, I am 20 y. old and still a virgin. I've been making out but that is about it. When it comes to something serious I just run away. I actually think i will never have sex because I am too scared to do it
Maybe this could be because I am not exactly sure do I wanna lose virginity with a guy or a girl ? I am still all confused about my sexuality even though guys in my age already know their sexual orientation.
Any advices ?

22 and still a virgin here.

I'm in a similar boat - not sure of my orientation and when somebody shows any interest in me I run away.

I think we both need to just chill and see what happens.... if you're not sure and don't want to, then don't force yourself. I've forced myself into a sexual situation before and it made me incredibly unhappy and I came out of it feeling used and disgusted.

I don't know what other advice to give... as I said I'm adrift in the same boat.

My big problem is self esteem. I hate myself and don't view myself as anything special or worth getting excited about.... this causes all sorts of problems vis a vis trust, forming bonds, etc. and means I inevitably have all the wrong body language in social situations. I remember one girl who was really interested in me, and I just couldn't talk to her as a result - all my body language went defensive and I couldn't give eye contact. Of course, part of the issue was I thought she was a complete idiot and I didn't like her, but that's not the point Obviously I can't tell an awful lot about you from one post, but getting to know yourself and gaining some confidence always helps,. Or probably should anyway.

 

[cdarro]

This may sound silly, but don't worry. I had a buddy who was a virgin till the age of 27. He's now happily married with 2 kids and a business of his own at age 50. Turned out alright!

 

[Hakunamatata]

22 and still a virgin here.

I'm in a similar boat - not sure of my orientation and when somebody shows any interest in me I run away.

I think we both need to just chill and see what happens.... if you're not sure and don't want to, then don't force yourself. I've forced myself into a sexual situation before and it made me incredibly unhappy and I came out of it feeling used and disgusted.

I don't know what other advice to give... as I said I'm adrift in the same boat.

My big problem is self esteem. I hate myself and don't view myself as anything special or worth getting excited about.... this causes all sorts of problems vis a vis trust, forming bonds, etc. and means I inevitably have all the wrong body language in social situations. I remember one girl who was really interested in me, and I just couldn't talk to her as a result - all my body language went defensive and I couldn't give eye contact. Of course, part of the issue was I thought she was a complete idiot and I didn't like her, but that's not the point Obviously I can't tell an awful lot about you from one post, but getting to know yourself and gaining some confidence always helps,. Or probably should anyway.

:smlove2: You sound like my soul mate :lol:

 

[SomeGuyOverThere]

:smlove2: You sound like my soul mate :lol:

heh.

Thinking out loud I think we probably have similar issues with regards to this:

1: Viewing sex as being something big, scary and important. - A good friend of mine who is a bit of a lady's man describes it as "something you do in a relationship", and I think he's probably right. The main thing is to get an emotional connection with somebody - the physical bit is purely utilitarian in comparison. Though I have accused him of being utilitarian about sex and I think he's a slight hypocrite on the issue (he has problems with fidelity).

2: low self-worth. - This is hard to counter. Personally I think I'm ugly. Other people have variously described me as "hot" "not ugly but interesting" and "unique"... low self esteem makes me interpret all these responses as essentially telling me "ok, yeah you ain't exactly pretty but I don't want to say it". I'm completly unable to determine my own attractiveness, I just see myself as unattractive.

3: socially defensive. - This stems from above, low self worth makes one socially defensive. If you're always viewing other people as better than you you're always trying to hide from them.

4: depression - that's something I have anyway. I get serious low points where I don't feel like talking to people or leaving the house. I'm just digging out of one at the moment and trying to get motivated again.


The big Catch 22 I face is this - I need a serious relationship to put my self-esteem issues to bed, but I can't get one without sorting out my self esteem issues. And I think it is important to talk about relationships rather than just sex.

 

[deleted15807]

My big problem is self esteem. I hate myself and don't view myself as anything special or worth getting excited about.... this causes all sorts of problems vis a vis trust, forming bonds, etc. and means I inevitably have all the wrong body language in social situations.

Yes and people/potential lovers really pick up on it and turn away. It's like you're on the dance floor but you're making all the wrong moves.

Brooke Shields: 'I was a virgin until the age of 22 because I didn't like the way I looked'

​

 

[SomeGuyOverThere]

Yes and people/potential lovers really pick up on it and turn away. It's like you're on the dance floor but you're making all the wrong moves.

Brooke Shields: 'I was a virgin until the age of 22 because I didn't like the way I looked'

​

Yep, it's a big thing that most people don't even realise - body language makes up most of the conversation. If you look relaxed, attentive and slightly turned on, you could be talking about the finer points of a sawdust economy and people would find you attractive. If you look unhappy and defensive you could have the funniest jokes in the world and the most entertaining stories and nobody will give you a second look.

I speak from experience of the latter.

 

[Hakunamatata]

heh.

Thinking out loud I think we probably have similar issues with regards to this:

1: Viewing sex as being something big, scary and important. - A good friend of mine who is a bit of a lady's man describes it as "something you do in a relationship", and I think he's probably right. The main thing is to get an emotional connection with somebody - the physical bit is purely utilitarian in comparison. Though I have accused him of being utilitarian about sex and I think he's a slight hypocrite on the issue (he has problems with fidelity).

2: low self-worth. - This is hard to counter. Personally I think I'm ugly. Other people have variously described me as "hot" "not ugly but interesting" and "unique"... low self esteem makes me interpret all these responses as essentially telling me "ok, yeah you ain't exactly pretty but I don't want to say it". I'm completly unable to determine my own attractiveness, I just see myself as unattractive.

3: socially defensive. - This stems from above, low self worth makes one socially defensive. If you're always viewing other people as better than you you're always trying to hide from them.

4: depression - that's something I have anyway. I get serious low points where I don't feel like talking to people or leaving the house. I'm just digging out of one at the moment and trying to get motivated again.


The big Catch 22 I face is this - I need a serious relationship to put my self-esteem issues to bed, but I can't get one without sorting out my self esteem issues. And I think it is important to talk about relationships rather than just sex.

I was thinking the same, but now I kinda changed my mind. Now I wouldnt necessarily have sex with someone I am in a relationship with.

 

[SomeGuyOverThere]

I was thinking the same, but now I kinda changed my mind. Now I wouldnt necessarily have sex with someone I am in a relationship with.

Is sex a big deal to you? What do you think about it?
(trying to be helpful, not asking random questions)

 

[Hakunamatata]

Is sex a big deal to you? What do you think about it?
(trying to be helpful, not asking random questions)

Yes, it is a big deal. I wouldnt have sex with some random girl/guy. But since atm I do not wanna have a serious relationship and I do wanna have sex ( I'm kinda in a need of it ) I think I would agree to have it with someone nice even though we are not in a relationship.

 

[SomeGuyOverThere]

Yes, it is a big deal. I wouldnt have sex with some random girl/guy. But since atm I do not wanna have a serious relationship and I do wanna have sex ( I'm kinda in a need of it ) I think I would agree to have it with someone nice even though we are not in a relationship.

So what stops you?

 

[D_Tintagel_Demondong]

Yep, it's a big thing that most people don't even realise - body language makes up most of the conversation.

Great posts, SGOT!

 

[Hakunamatata]

So what stops you?

Good question. But I really dont know. I guess I am just not ready.

 

[D_Rawkesbye Deadheade]

When the time for it comes it'll happen.

 

[SomeGuyOverThere]

Good question. But I really dont know. I guess I am just not ready.

Then I think you could use a little soul searching on the issue, or maybe just some time away from thinking about it. It's hard to know what to recommend to people, but I often just have to sit and mentally chug through things that are bothering me.

If you think it might be something in your personality or history, I think counselling might be helpful. I've just recently decided that I need professional help or I'm going to be pretty fucked up for a while - I haven't decided how to get it though.

 

[Crosz]

Okay, I am 20 y. old and still a virgin. I've been making out but that is about it. When it comes to something serious I just run away. I actually think i will never have sex because I am too scared to do it
Maybe this could be because I am not exactly sure do I wanna lose virginity with a guy or a girl ? I am still all confused about my sexuality even though guys in my age already know their sexual orientation.
Any advices ?

Don't beat yourself up over it too much.I'm 37 & a virgin...although I don't have any confusion about my orientation. Maybe you being scared..is a result of you being nervous about the actual act.

Have you found yourself being attracted to guys ?

 

[nambeat1]

nothing wrong, or wierd, about that. When the time comes it will happen. so long as your happy?? if not, and its just nerves stopping you, then maybe a hooker is not such a bad idea, to just ease you in.

 

[hud01]

Yes, it is a big deal. I wouldnt have sex with some random girl/guy. But since atm I do not wanna have a serious relationship and I do wanna have sex ( I'm kinda in a need of it ) I think I would agree to have it with someone nice even though we are not in a relationship.

lol at 20 if she had a pulse I was interested. That is why we are all different.

 

[shyguy987]

at what age do you consider to be to old to be a virgin for a guy?