3 years since he broke up with me, still heartbroken...help

zaynmlk1626

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I'm gay and 26, 27 in a few days actually, been searching for the perfect love since i was younger, at 21 i did fall in love with someone when i was 21, i knew him from school, and thats when i had sex for the first time. i was so fully in love and happy but it didn't last for long because in a couple of months since we met he met someone else and dumped me. he really had convinced me he was in love with me too anti was a huge shock for me they way things developed. I've been through extreme depression and pain because of him until i realised what a bad person he was a few years later, he would only remember me when he was single again just for sex, i made the mistake to trust him once again, he fucked and left me again and after that i never replied to his messages.
Anyway that was the first ''relationship'' i ever had and for 2 years after that i would date guys from planet romeo or Facebook. I never met again someone to inspire me and make me feel something for him, i never felt a deep connection and close to someone else i tried one night stands a few times but i realised that i was just not that into it. i can't work like that...
Out of a sudden a guy i didn't even know we were friends on Facebook messaged me and it was obvious he was flirting with me. When i checked his profile i realised he lived in athens and since i live 5 hours away from athens i didn't want to give him a chance. at first. he would message me daily though and me trying to be polite i would answer back. he was really cute i can't deny it then we started chatting daily and then Skype daily and suddenly he was the person i would spend most of my day talking to. and i loved it, it was fun, i was never bored of him and we could talk about everything, felt like i knew him for years. i could believe how lucky i was and a really cute guy found me he was the nicest person ever and we had so many things in common, i couldn't believe in my luck, after a month of daily Skype calls for hours we started cyber sex and that was also fun even that its not my favourite thing to do the tension with him was so huge and since he was that far away we couldn't help it. a few days later he told me that he would try to book tickets and visit me so we could meet in person, unfortunately a few days later he told me it was impossible due to work but we still kept skipping daily. after thinking about it well i decided to book tickets to athens and go meet him, he was very happy when i told him. he also told me that there was someone else he was dating, a guy many years older than him but nothing serious they would only meet once a month for sex since he lived abroad. when i heard that i told him that i didn't want to get involved to something like that and maybe i should cancel my tickets. he insisted it was nothing serious and that he really wanted to meet me and i should go. i did.
i stayed for 3 days at his house and we had the best time ever, lots of sex, walks, dinner at restaurants, for the first time in my life i met someone i was feeling so connected to, so close to, i was never bored with him, i had no idea how my future husband would be one day till i met him, i was the happiest person ever. on my flight back thinking about the whole situation i wasn't expecting anything more from him because of the distance, i was sure he would start slowly disappearing from my life as soon as i was back home. and its natural cause i understand its really hard to keep so close contact with someone so far away. even though i did want him in my life as anything else. the weird thing is that nothing changed when i returned home. we kept skyping daily for hours again and he never lost his interest in me. till a month later when he told me that he could not stop thinking about the other guy and that he wanted to see him again if the other guy called him, he wasn't even sure if he'd do. i told him we should stop our communication after that even though i was devastated about the situation i knew the right thing to do was to end it. he wouldn't let me though. he kept calling daily and i kept asking him why. he was confused, he couldn't decide what to do. after a few days everything came up to normal again he gave me the feeling that he regretted what he said and that he didn't want to lose me. what i didn't know was that he didn't want me to lose me from his life but not in an erotic way anymore. he wanted me to be there as a friend. which i did realise a few days later and again i told him w should stop. i was in love with him and it was way to hard for me to leave all our erotic life behind and just be his friend. plus i could not settle with the idea that he talking for hours daily to me but he is having sex at night with someone else. on the other hand i was very in love with him and it was really hard to cut him off from my life. way too complicated situation.
i decided to travel again to athens to see him, tell him in person i was in love with him, cause i had never told him before. i did. he came to pick me up we went home and when i tried to kiss him he wouldn't. i knew this wasn't going to end well. i finally told him i was in love with him but he said he doesn't feel the same way. i felt extreme pain inside and i told him that we should end this now and tried to leave his house. he wouldn't let me. i just couldn't stay with him anymore. but literally he was holding me and didn't let me open the door and leave. anyway i stayed in athens for less that 24 hours and then i booked a flight and went back home.he even came with me to the airport even though i told him he shouldn't. but i was dead inside. i didn't want him to be next to me anymore, he wouldn't let me. he tried to hug me for good buy when i was ready to get on the plane but i didn't.
i returned home devastated trying to figure out how am i going to get over him. i realised its been 6 moths of my life i spent for him and i ended up alone. again. what he tired to do is to contact me again. i tried to avoid talking to him but being polite i had to answer some of his messages. then he said that he wanted to come visit me at my hometown, and he did, just for a weekend, no matte what had happened i was very happy to see him again, and again he didn't want anything sexual with me, he came to see me as a friend. which still made me feel worse. i tried to be polite i even took him to the airport but we both knew that all this was wrong. we could both feel all the negative vibes of this whole situation.
he left, i was devastated but i wasn't willing to keep in touch with him anymore. no matter how much i loved him this relationship was bad for me, it was giving me hard time and i wasn't living a happy life anymore.he tried to contact me again but i did cut him off. i was feeling extreme pain inside not having him in my life anymore. this when i stopped eating properly and i lost so much weight i was a shadow of myself in the end. trying to pretend everything is fine at work or at my family cause no one knew anything about my story and no one knew i was gay. i stopped searching for new guys on romeo i had lost my will to meet someone else.
its been 3 years since all these things happened to me. and i still can not forget about him. the pain inside is still the same i just got used to it. i tried dating other people but the fact is i didn't really want to. and i didn't met anyone else so much compatible with me as him. i know its not normal after all these years for me to not be over him. but i don't know how to. i still feel depressed inside every day and still think about him every day. i know break ups and stuff like that happen to all the people, i know people have way to bigger problems than me like serious illnesses or no money to buy food, i am aware of that, but for me what I've been through killed me inside and i have no idea how to go through it. i don't want to keep living like that. i don't live a happy life even though i look happy and funny in front of my friends and family. when i am alone at night thinking, most of the times i cry. its been 3 years i don't even know if he's fine, where is he what is he doing if he's single or not and it kills me. on the other hand sometimes i think what an asshole he is and why doesn't he care how i am? and what i am doing?
any good ideas on what i should do? how to deal with it? anyone else been in a similar situation? i need advice. i need help. i am so sorry for the long post.
thank you
 

wnjcwjkk

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Do you think that maybe you're depressed about other things in life and maybe projecting it onto this one situation and fixating on it?


I understand. The first time I really fell in love with this girl, I was 23, I hadn't dated anybody since 8th grade although I had really wanted to, I was just shy. But this girl was like an angel, perfect, she was shy too, we had similar interests and senses of humor, she was absolutely gorgeous, like the kinda girl I'd never have thought I had a chance with, and we connected on a mental level better than I had ever connected with anybody. Our first conversation, after I worked up the courage to talk to her, we found out that we even had the same birthday, which was coming up in a week. I thought "This has to be it!" But after some time she decided she wasn't into me in that way and just wanted to be friends. I thought she was the only girl for me and I had to be with her. We lived in separate states at this point. We remained friends, texted and talked often, every single day I still had this hope. I lived to see her name pop up on my phone. I thought maybe she would come around and realize that we were right for each other. I had it BAD. Thought there was no way I'd meet anybody like that again, it had be her


That was 7 years back. After a couple years, I stopped thinking about her so often, I started dating, met a great girl that I was compatible with (we're split up now). After some growth and things changing in my life, I look at it like "You know what? It just wasn't right. She didn't feel that way about me, and I'm not gonna worry about it, move on and find somebody else, focus on my own happiness. Let her go." We still chat every once in a blue moon through text or FB message, but I don't get that rush of excitement every time I see her name pop up on my phone, that I used to live for. She's happily dating somebody now, I see photos of them on Facebook. And it doesn't eat at me. It doesn't bother me at all. I rarely think about her, when I used to every day.


Point is, I totally understand how you feel, and I'm sure many on here do as well. It's one of those bittersweet parts of life for some of us who don't marry our first loves and live happily ever after.


Sounds cliche, but time heals. And as you grow and deal with life and circumstances change, those feelings will fade and you'll find yourself thinking about it less and less. Might even look back with a clearer head and realize that it wasn't right at all. It took me at least 3 years.


Seems like what I was doing, and what you may be doing, is projecting this idea of your ideal mate onto this person, when in reality he's just not right for you. But it also sounds as if you maybe depressed in other aspects of life, and are projecting it all into this relationship not working out, as if that's the one thing that will make you happy.

I'm not saying that's the case, have no idea, but with the weight loss and fixating on this thing, perhaps you should reach out to support system or professional, somebody to talk to and help you identify the problems. But it sounds like you need a change, whether it's in your life or your perspective. I've also dealt with severe depression that involved weight loss, to the point I looked like Christian Bale in The Machinist


Somebody will come along. But if you're putting all your eggs in this basket, you might be missing opportunities, when this just has no chance of working out like you want it to. I know exactly what it's like coming to terms with that kinda thing. But it gets better, you just have to work at focusing on other things, things that will direct you towards the life you are looking for
 
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zaynmlk1626

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thank you very much for your reply. i was sure other people would have similar stories like mine. yes I've been thinking about the depression and other parts of my life. i don't think its that, i'm healthy, i have a nice job and a big family who loves me and friends, i am very happy with my life in all the other parts. its my love life that depresses me. wish i find someone compatible soon. in the gay world what i mostly see is people looking for one night stands unfortunately.
 

Mark5134

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thank you very much for your reply. i was sure other people would have similar stories like mine. yes I've been thinking about the depression and other parts of my life. i don't think its that, i'm healthy, i have a nice job and a big family who loves me and friends, i am very happy with my life in all the other parts. its my love life that depresses me. wish i find someone compatible soon. in the gay world what i mostly see is people looking for one night stands unfortunately.
I fully understand what you are going through. It's very hard to find a decent guy in the gay world and after year of searching with no luck it does make you depressed. Keep your chin up if that you in your pf pic you're hot and will find someone.
 

bravesoldier

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I had a similar experience about 5-6 years ago. I met a real life prince. He is about 6'2, 180, a gracious, warm white smile, a handsome face to die for, a perfect natural build with a hot fuzzy chest and about 7.5 inches of slender, pain free man to make any gay guy get on his back with legs behind his head. He was the first load of semen I swallowed and first and last time I let a man breed me. And yes, he was tested and was clean.

He was a small town guy not out and warned me at the start he was afraid he couldn't give a guy close by all he might want. Well, that statement came true. The guy I think truly has no idea of the charm oozing from every inch of his body. He is a magnet. Everyone loves him, men and women, even if the men don't want him sexually. He's one of those who can't control his appeal, wit, smarts, sincerity, charm and sexiness.

I was privileged to get to taste his mouth, tongue and absorb his seed upon him giving it to me internally. It consumed me no doubt. Then came the day he cut it all off never to return again. It like to have killed me. I haven't seen him in a sexual way since, even though he is still friendly to me.

The best way to get over it is to get involved with other men. Someone else will ring your bell, it just might take time to find him. Better to wait to find another than to be forever caught up in the sad memory.

After several years I know I'm over it, but admit at times I think of him and want to be sad again. When that happens I don't allow the thought to linger.
 

ItsAll4Kim

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It's completely normal to always remember the great love(s) of your life. But obsessing over it years later indicates the need for some outside help. You may find counseling helpful in gaining perspective on your approach to relationships.

Long distance romance seems to have a major flaw when it starts as yours did...with the people not spending significant time in-person before moving apart. You loved the idea of that man, as you really never knew him in reality. This type of situation is perfect for creating bad breakup obsessions. Also, the fact that you knew you should end it *how many times?* but didn't, and then went back to him despite knowing the realities of his feeling, proves that it was your romanticized version of him, not his actual self, that you were in love with. This might give some perspective and be helpful to know that the person you loved never actually existed.
 

zaynmlk1626

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It's completely normal to always remember the great love(s) of your life. But obsessing over it years later indicates the need for some outside help. You may find counseling helpful in gaining perspective on your approach to relationships.

Long distance romance seems to have a major flaw when it starts as yours did...with the people not spending significant time in-person before moving apart. You loved the idea of that man, as you really never knew him in reality. This type of situation is perfect for creating bad breakup obsessions. Also, the fact that you knew you should end it *how many times?* but didn't, and then went back to him despite knowing the realities of his feeling, proves that it was your romanticized version of him, not his actual self, that you were in love with. This might give some perspective and be helpful to know that the person you loved never actually existed.

i was in love with my romaticized version of him, thats interesting, i never thought about it, this actually is helpful
 

zaynmlk1626

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I had a similar experience about 5-6 years ago. I met a real life prince. He is about 6'2, 180, a gracious, warm white smile, a handsome face to die for, a perfect natural build with a hot fuzzy chest and about 7.5 inches of slender, pain free man to make any gay guy get on his back with legs behind his head. He was the first load of semen I swallowed and first and last time I let a man breed me. And yes, he was tested and was clean.

He was a small town guy not out and warned me at the start he was afraid he couldn't give a guy close by all he might want. Well, that statement came true. The guy I think truly has no idea of the charm oozing from every inch of his body. He is a magnet. Everyone loves him, men and women, even if the men don't want him sexually. He's one of those who can't control his appeal, wit, smarts, sincerity, charm and sexiness.

I was privileged to get to taste his mouth, tongue and absorb his seed upon him giving it to me internally. It consumed me no doubt. Then came the day he cut it all off never to return again. It like to have killed me. I haven't seen him in a sexual way since, even though he is still friendly to me.

The best way to get over it is to get involved with other men. Someone else will ring your bell, it just might take time to find him. Better to wait to find another than to be forever caught up in the sad memory.

After several years I know I'm over it, but admit at times I think of him and want to be sad again. When that happens I don't allow the thought to linger.

i did actually date someone else a year after he dumped me. we dated for 3 moths and he was the most gorgeous guy ever, tall blonde perfect body huge penis, great sex, funny, he was in fact a real a model and a gogo dancer lol he even worked for abercrombie. we had great time it was fun but i never felt anything deep for him and i was sincere about my feelings to him. we had to end it at some point cause he was a totally different personality from me and i still thought my ex was the perfect for me. we still chat on facebook sometimes he has moved abroad now.
 
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328982

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i did actually date someone else a year after he dumped me. we dated for 3 moths and he was the most gorgeous guy ever, tall blonde perfect body huge penis, great sex, funny, he was in fact a real a model and a gogo dancer lol he even worked for abercrombie. we had great time it was fun but i never felt anything deep for him and i was sincere about my feelings to him. we had to end it at some point cause he was a totally different personality from me and i still thought my ex was the perfect for me. we still chat on facebook sometimes he has moved abroad now.
You seem like a really nice guy, hope you'll find someone soon. I do agree with all4kim about the idealisation and romanticising a distant relationship. The trouble with waiting for Prince Charming to ride up and whisk you away is that it may never happen or he may turn out to be a turd under the shiny armour. And, not to be mean, but it is a kind of narcissism to think that fate has someone in store for you because you are so special, and they will rcognise how special you are, and all you have to do is wait be discovered. It sounds like you have a lot going for you (and you look just like Zayn Malik ;)) so maybe you can work on turning yourself into Prince Charming and whisk a few people off their feet? Sorry, probably not great advice but I wish you well.
 

EquusAZ

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One of the greatest things to happen to me was divorce. It forced me to re-evaluate my life my position in it and where I was going. Once divorced I realize that I had to spend a lot of time trying to find out who I was as a person and less time trying to find someone to be with. I spent a lot of time talking to myself, examining my internal feelings, and deciding what it is that I wanted in life as far as a partner.

Then I did something that was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Wait.

I realize that I would not compromise what I wanted for the sake of the ease of being in a relationship ever again. I spent a lot of time just being alone and enjoying myself for who I was and not worrying about being in a relationship. And do you know what happened? I ended up in the most amazing relationship I have ever been in my life and that I could ever hope to be in.

I've only been with Aithon since February but I can tell you right now that there is no one else for me ever after this. Perhaps you should spend a little time finding out who you are what it is you want and what you want in a partner. But what is most pivotal about this is finding out who you are as a person. Date yourself for a while. Take yourself out to movies to dinner on long walks. The same things you would do with someone else and get to know who you are as a person.

The reason I say this is you seem to be focused entirely on being in a relationship and finding love when in reality the whole purpose in life is to be happy. Just happy. Nothing else. If you are not happy being alone how could you ever hope to be entirely happy with someone else. If they should God forbid die what do you do then die with them? That would not be a good solution. You need to be able to exist as a person on your own before you can ever hope to support someone else because when you are in a relationship it's not just about love it's about being there for the other person supporting them just as much as they support and love you.

If I were you I would work to make myself as stable as possible and is available as possible and as nurturing and supportive as possible for any potential mates that you may have. Terry Pratchett had a great quote in one of his books. It went something like " if you wish upon a star and believe in your dreams you will get left in the Dust by people who worked hard to get what they want."

Best of luck to you handsome!
 
D

deleted300444

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There is some really good feedback and comments in this threat. Very Nice.

S.L.A.A
....."love addiction" is real thing.



Not sure if the link above will work. If not Google slaa....or characteristics of an slaa.

Don't get side tracked by the sex part of a slaa....often people can get stuck in "Romantic Obession" and "Intrigue".

It's a "thing".

Good Luck
 
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zaynmlk1626

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You seem like a really nice guy, hope you'll find someone soon. I do agree with all4kim about the idealisation and romanticising a distant relationship. The trouble with waiting for Prince Charming to ride up and whisk you away is that it may never happen or he may turn out to be a turd under the shiny armour. And, not to be mean, but it is a kind of narcissism to think that fate has someone in store for you because you are so special, and they will rcognise how special you are, and all you have to do is wait be discovered. It sounds like you have a lot going for you (and you look just like Zayn Malik ;)) so maybe you can work on turning yourself into Prince Charming and whisk a few people off their feet? Sorry, probably not great advice but I wish you well.

thanks for your reply, just to make it clear, it is actually Zayn Malik on my profile photo, its not me i don't look like him, its him
 
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thanks for your reply, just to make it clear, it is actually Zayn Malik on my profile photo, its not me i don't look like him, its him
Yes, I realised that, just teasing a bit, hence the ;) - a guy above said if that's you in yr profile pic, you are hot.
 

wnjcwjkk

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i was in love with my romaticized version of him, thats interesting, i never thought about it, this actually is helpful



Yeah it's a great point, and probably the case in most of these situations. There are so many gaps in your knowledge of this person, that you fill in the gaps with your idealized perception of him.


Think of it like this: Think about how many people who are in a loving, happy relationship look back at the time when they were alone or had their heartbroken, and look at it as a blessing in the end, because it was something they needed to go through to get to the one they love.

You are making choices right now, and even though you don't know it, the love of your life is out there making choices that will eventually lead you to each other.

Now, I'm not saying rely on "destiny" or fate, but these things have a way of working out if you just hold the faith
 
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killerb

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maybe you could meet some new guys, go out, get to know them & have fun WITHOUT expecting the perfect relationship right off the bat?

that way, you'll give yourself & the other guy time to DEVELOP feelings, which won't happen with everyone...and that's OK.
 
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wavejock

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Bottom line is the majority of people..even those in awesome stable relationships or marriages have someone from their past that they constantly think about. loved, etc but for some reason or another it didnt work out. That is pretty normal...doesn't mean you cant find love with someone new...and it doesnt mean that you will forget that that person..it is just the realization that you felt it and part of your life. Life is messy and we dont always end up with the love of our life...or well the person we THOUGHT would be that love. You just sort of have to move on and use it as a learning experience. What the guy was doing to you was that he felt some guilt about not feeling the same way....and he was doing all he could to make you feel better..even though you didnt want to hear it. That is teh way it works with people who have feelings.... Youll never forget him but you will get over him
 
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The best of things in life, happen when you least expect it. Take every low point in your life, especially in terms of relationships, as the ideal time for self improvement. Analyze your behaviour, your analytical skills, your general knowledge or even your position in the workplace.

There's always a better version of you to aspire in becoming, and there is bound to be slpomeone new to appreciate that.
 

bi_todd

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People come into our lives for a reason. When that reason is fulfilled, we must let go in order to enable further growth. Holding on holds us back. Letting go can be so painful. It requires faith in ourselves and faith in the future.

As others have mentioned, you are clinging to an idealized relationship. When you gain a realization of your own worthiness, you will be able to see the situation more clearly. Only then will you understand that what made the relationship magical was not him, but you.
 

Andrue

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Perhaps you should spend a little time finding out who you are what it is you want and what you want in a partner. But what is most pivotal about this is finding out who you are as a person. Date yourself for a while. Take yourself out to movies to dinner on long walks. The same things you would do with someone else and get to know who you are as a person.

Snippet of the longer post above that I quite decidedly agree with.

This is practically verbatim the viewpoint I tend to espouse, having followed that path myself for a fair chunk of time after breaking up with BF/LTR #2. The several YEARS I "lived with myself" after that breakup were probably some of the most interesting in my life.

I'd gone from right a college relationship that lasted 5 years to a year or so "alone" then into another relationship that lasted 7 years. So I hadn't actually spent much time learning who i was outside of these relationships. I decided I would just not get into one for a long while, learn to be happy with me instead. It was great and showed me I didn't need to have a relationship to validate myself as a good and worthy human being; I could do that myself quite well, thankyouverymuch.

So I'll back that up (obviously) and recommend to zaynmlk1626 that it may be in your personal interest to take time off relationship hunting and work on being the best you you can be. Learn to like who you are, what you are and how you live. Change the things you find not quite up to par and do it all without needing a boyfriend's approval. You will ALWAYS live with yourself, BFs can come and go. So make sure you're happy and comfortable with yourself and that positive, self assured vibe will make attracting another person way easy.