37 And No Meaningful Relationships: Is This A Red Flag???

A_dub

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I was having a conversation with a friend who was feeling a bit worried because he turns 35 this year and due to the COVID lockdown, his dating game has been totally crushed. He worries that anyone who hits 35 and is still single will be seen as someone that has something inherently "wrong with him". I explained to him that he need not worry since he has so many things going for him (highly educated, great job with one of the biggest companies in the world, very high salary, in excellent physical shape, terrific personality, etc). Granted, he is the only remaining single friend I have left, but he's been in several relationships (some of them reasonably long term), so I told him it was just a matter of time. He was greatly appreciative of my wise and heartfelt words/advice and it felt great to be able to lift the spirits of one of my closest friends when he needed it. So win for us both.

But then I got to thinking...yes, my friend is still single, but he's dated dozens of girls and fucked a good number of those if not all of them. He's not a stranger to relationships or women. He is socially outgoing and meets women all the time. But what about myself?

I'm 37, and far from a relationship, I've never even been on a date before (at least not a real one). Never had sex, and from what I understand both relationships and sex are apparently things one must practice in order to be proficient at. So where would I even begin? Is the mountain ahead of me to tall to scale? Assuming it takes even a relatively small number - say 4 or 5 - of women/relationships in order to become skilled at dating/sex, I would probably be well into my 40s by that time, and thats if I start now.

The other question is, would this raise red flags if you a guy told you he was 37 and had never had sex? Would it cause you to rethink whether you wanted to invest time/energy/emotional capital in a man like that?
 
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If dude has a moderate amount o other healthy interpersonal relationships, friends, family, an when talking to them they know how to treat me like a human being? Not much o an issue for me. Can understand being choosy about romantic relationships n finding someone who vibes with you taking time.

If dude led with "am a virgin"? Er, kinda uncomfy/odd and would be questioning that.

Dude has very few friends, unhealthy/non-existent relationship with all o family, treats ppl in restaurants/coffee shop/whatever poorly, yeah, add all that together as massive red flags.
 

Scarletbegonia

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I had a six year relationship with a man seven years my senior. This span was 2010-2017.he was in his 50s, I in my 40s.
He had two high school and right after girlfriends. But after that? One night stands, maybe a decent weekend...all basically attracted to him because of his profession.
My ex moved product. A lot of product. Starting as a pot dealer in high school, he attracted the attention of the few young women who were leaning that way. (Catholic schooling, most gender segregated) He specialized in cocaine in the 80s, and worked exclusively with two growers after he returned to marijuana.
At about 35, he started to pack on weight. A motorcycle accident that almost took a leg started it, and when his main form of exercise went away suddenly, he just was too still.
So, his experience was that women were “only with him for drugs.” My drug free, drink free status was a powerful pull.
I found him funny, clever, cute despite the weight (which he made an issue), he was invested (best he could be) in having a relationship, not a fling. We were genuinely friends. And we are getting back there, three years after I left to come home.
So, very much a bachelor, no recent relationships, and a catholic school upbringing that truly messed up his ideas about sex, self-medication with MJ and alcohol, and body issues all conspired to eventually push me away.
But, we gave it a shot, which is better than not.

For my part, I had a divorce, and a couple longer term relationships. I had the live with a partner skill set, and knew I had to have flexibility going into a new one.
I had come out of a relationship with the man I called the love of my life. I know say love of my youth. (FWIW, he called me the same, even casually. We were that disgusting couple. In the grocery.)
But I am a one partner person and he was in love with gambling. And Gambling won.

I will say this, as long as one has a healthy attitude about sex, and has a willingness to build a relationship, and can deal with my stumbling blocks, his actual sexual experience isn’t that important.
The willingness to have some picture in his head, but play around with it if it isn’t serving the pairing, is very important.
I am wholly incompatible with say, foot fetishists. I know this because on my one date where it was brought up more than six times in two hours. And I was creeped out. Ok, he brought up his underwear preference a couple times too. And this was in public.
 
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LaFemme

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The virginity doesn’t phase me at all. If it hasn’t happened, it hasn’t happened. And every relationship is different. You can’t really develop skill by having a series of relationships. Mostly what happens is you learn about yourself - the things you’re ok with, the things that aren’t, the importance of how to communicate your feelings, etc. But you can also learn about yourself through close friendships, therapy (if you’re into that), the way you interact with family and friends.

Like mv says, I’d be more concerned about someone entire catalog of personal relationships, not whether they’d ever been in a love relationship with someone. Just like sex, relationships happen or they don’t. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. It just hasn’t happened.
 

cherryboom66

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“Will be seen as”.... this made me vom. You’re here once and for you, same as your friend. To hell with what society thinks, to hell with what strangers think. For every person who does give a shit, there’s someone out there who doesn’t and will take you at face value, not your past or lack thereof.
 

A_dub

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I’m not sure if “dating game crushed” are his words or yours, but starting to see people as humans, and not statistics is a fine start.

I’m guessing you both invest so much into your profession that the time left is hard to come by.

Those were my words. What he meant to say was that his dating opportunities are vastly dimished due to the lockdown which will extend into the forseeble future (at least at his location).

He does have a very busy career.
 
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I'm 37, and far from a relationship, I've never even been on a date before (at least not a real one). Never had sex, and from what I understand both relationships and sex are apparently things one must practice in order to be proficient at. So where would I even begin? Is the mountain ahead of me to tall to scale? Assuming it takes even a relatively small number - say 4 or 5 - of women/relationships in order to become skilled at dating/sex, I would probably be well into my 40s by that time, and thats if I start now.

You only need to find the ONE right woman for you and none of this will matter. Someone who understands and accepts your path. That's all. If she likes you, it'll all be fine. Really. My brother was about that age and unmarried, no long-term commitments... but he's very slow to give his heart and reserved with his emotions, especially verbally. (I've never heard him say "I love you" to my mother, and I don't think he's said it to me, either, but he shows it on the regular.) When he found his one that understood him, Game Over.

The other question is, would this raise red flags if you a guy told you he was 37 and had never had sex? Would it cause you to rethink whether you wanted to invest time/energy/emotional capital in a man like that?
Not gonna lie, it would give me concern... I don't know your reasons but I'd wonder if he put unreasonably high expectations on himself/a woman and that's why it hasn't happened (red flag), if he had commitment issues (red flag), had been too focused on other goals/pursuits (yellow flag), had self esteem issues that would cause other issues (orange flag). If I learned why and could accept them, I'd have little reason not to invest. Again, to the right match for you, this won't be an issue. If you have any of the flags I mentioned, I'd suggest you work on yourself to give the best chance for success.
 
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Scarletbegonia

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Those were my words. What he meant to say was that his dating opportunities are vastly dimished due to the lockdown which will extend into the forseeble future (at least at his location).

He does have a very busy career.

he and the rest of the population.
You (intentionally) missed my point that those words show an underlying issue with how you view women and relationships.


Yeah, you not getting it is intentional.
Reread all this effort we put into your whiny butt.
Thoughts On A "40 Year Old Virgin"