a continuation...

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by dannymawg, Dec 26, 2006.

  1. dannymawg

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    ...of what I started here

    Firstly:

    I'm gay. The potential to be bi and "pussyphobic" had been presented to me by a member here, but for now I have to say sorry dude - gay here. Not hiding it anymore. Not like I've had to here :biggrin1:

    The only therapy I've ever sought was a coming out group therapy thing outlined here, and some stilted sessions earlier this year with a George Hamilton lookalike I couldn't connect with. I lost the benefit that paid for his time, anyway.

    I stumbled on the site here in September purely in braindead JO mode. What I saw lit many fires in my head, first/foremost about sexuality and my awareness/lack thereof. I thank you all for the wake-up calls. And I still haven't scratched the surface yet.

    I lost a second attempt at a stable career earlier this year during a layoff. I've outlined this in early posts, so those curious for detail can search my profile for them (and other posts that will explain who I am). I've had a lot of time over the summer to look for a "job", but I'm pushing 40 and I find myself experiencing career option paralysis, at the same time being wholly unprepared for some of those options.

    At roughly the same time I discovered LPSG, I resolved to "do something" about stabilizing my mental health - internally resolving my sexual identity - so that I can apply more energy to getting career and lifestyle fired up again in the face of the last flameout. I've spent a great deal of time here in the last few months getting to know folks/flow here, and I feel the time spent might actually surpass any live counseling in the same timeframe, with the added benefits of having witty entertainment and, uh... pleasant diversions :biggrin1:

    LPSG has provided me with the environment to "be gay" - much more so than I ever would in my dour, "straight guy" persona in real life. Which, I'm sensing, is me wearing the emperor's clothes, anyway. What I feel I need to do is to make these two worlds converge - have my LPSG world be a sort of model or manifesto or tool to change my conduct in the real world. So I and others around me affected by my presence can be more comfortable around each other. And get on with our lives. Nothing speaks to this more than something Lex posted just today:

    I like to think I'm an inherently nice guy. But this repression and groundlessness is killing that off.

    One of the other fires lit besides base sexuality was religion, and my awareness/lack thereof. It happens that I'm also discovering how my morals/actions/sexuality/lifestyle are tied together, and I don't like it. I don't think I'm burning any bibles yet, but I know my local library has a poor selection of Eastern philosophy. Add this to my dilemmas of being groundless in career and sexuality, and you have this post. I don't care about being guilty in the eyes of God - I'm more guilty about making Phillip Morris/Kraft stockholders rich. (If there was any one term that made me cringe in corporate life, it was "stockholder value".)

    I now also have the time to be smoking 2+ packs of Marlboro reds a day - "committing suicide by cigarette", to quote Kurt Vonnegut. Also in discovering LPSG, and actually while taking the pics in my gallery, I've come to realize that my dick is shrinking - presumably from poor circulation. Due to smoking. This is probably what freaks me out the most - my lifestyle has degenerated to the point where I'm now not only fucking up my vanity with yellow teeth/fingers, I'm emasculating myself.

    I feel my situation is small as compared to Lex and others. I have no immediate family (marriage/kids) to figure into the equation. I don't have any abuse or gross neglect in my history. My math should be pretty simple. Quit smoking without a crutch, be honest with people who deserve/need to know, be honest/realistic with myself, pull the proverbial bootstraps to make a good career decision to take me into retirement.

    I feel a need to document what happens in my world, and get input/feedback on it - even if it's snarky - as something else I need to grow besides a pair: a thicker skin.

    I intend on bumping this thread as I have updates from the real world. I have a plan - that my 40th in late spring is a target to have all parties notified, in person, to a degree that should suit the purpose in each case. In depth with certain friends, not so much with my brothers, etc. Due to holiday scheduling I've already procrastinated on my plan to start with a married couple who, in my real world, would come closest to a LPSG mindset :redface:

    I'm the real deal, folks. I'm here for some support. I'm one of those poor souls who takes LPSG too seriously, but it's my best bet now in the face of my situation. I got a big healthy dick that could be bigger (and seeing lots more action) if I took care of... me.

    Kinda wondering if this post/thread shouldn't be under Relationships/Discrimination/Jealousy, but Lex's thread is in Etc. Etc., so I start here.
     
  2. Mr. Snakey

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    Danny. Im glad your here and you sound like your doing really well. Life is a journey. I think you are up for it! :cool: Now you just made me laugh like crazy ! pussyphobic...................:tongue:
     
  3. D_Sheffield Thongbynder

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    There are many of us here, Danny, who are behind you in your efforts. Self-discovery can be both exhilerating and frightening, but IMO you have already come a long way from where you were a couple months ago, so it must be going OK for you up to this point. John
     
  4. Deve1opment

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    You have my support if you ever need it.
     
  5. Lex

    Lex
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    Danny my first thread on coming out (Coming Out) --written when I thought I was bi--was in Relationshios, Discrimination, etc. My (Again)Coming Out thread is my second and I placed it here as it felt as much like a social issue as anything else. This was the first place that I "publically" annouced that I was not straight.

    This place can be so magical-so full of support and life--it truly amazes me sometimes when I think back on how this place helped me find myself.

    I hope that you find the jounrey to sefl-acceptance a worthwhile one. Don't ever let anyone make you feel bad for being you. It was not a choice. Your only choice is whether you choose to embrabce and love yourself or hate yourself and become self-destructive as so many chose to do.

    Good luck and you know where to find me if you ever need to chat.
     
  6. joyboytoy79

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    Danny,

    Comming out is a personal journey. It is not something you owe to anyone in your life other than you. You are a smart and caring person, and i know (hope) that everyone in your life will see you for that, and realize you are the same person, no matter your sexual orientation.

    I wish you only the best. Let me know if there is anything i can do to help (talk, or whatnot).
     
  7. dannymawg

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    Something that needs to be mentioned here is that I've hammered certain members with PMs in the last two months. I want to thank them publically for letting me vent, and for responding personally despite similar discussions existing elsewhere on the site for my review.

    There is more to the story here, but not much - and again, I post this in light of much more serious issues others have. JBT, your abuse experience had me tongue tied enough to have trouble forming a response. I'll take the time here to say my heart goes out to ya. And I'll join COLJohn's applause in your ability to cope with it.

    Thanks to all again, and let's watch the fun as I spiel :biggrin1:
     
  8. fortiesfun

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    LPSG can be such a great source of support for men who are getting their lives together on many levels. I'm delighted to see that you have started this thread and committed yourself to the path you have. I look forward to reading, step-by-step, of your progress.
     
  9. dannymawg

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    In response to husky's post here...

    Very close to the truth here. They sense I'm ashamed. I in turn sense they wonder what's up. It snowballs from there.
    But that's the thing - hiding in the closet does feel like outright lying.

    In some circles I'm known for my pussymongering. In a nutshell - none of it happened. The glaring absence of a girlfriend now after all these years tips the scales of believability as well.

    Again, I'm not planning on flying any flags - I realize my environment is more conservative than others, and act accordingly (which might be compounding things). I guess the most scary question I'll be asked is the "what took so long". I won't be able to answer that succinctly anytime soon.

    I knew that one would need better definition :biggrin1:

    Those spoken for on the other hand, of course - but I did have what values my brothers have followed in mind - largely those my folks followed in raising a family - and I think that's where I blurred the term. Everything I do flies in the face of strict family values, and I'm about to deliver the coup de grace. There are exactly zero "out" people in either side of my family.

    Except for my sister :tongue: More on her later.

    Thank you for the detail here. There is some (OK a lot of) detail missing in my knowledge of denominations. Because I've been blocking...

    What's funny is this - and I remember detailing it recently somewhere, but posts and PMs are starting to blur together too - when my folks married in 1954, it was taboo for the two denominations to marry. My dad's side of the family saw my mother as just another non-birth control baby factory that would bring down my father's spirit and financial potential (I'm the youngest of just four :rolleyes: ). They cut off just about all communication with my folks, the exception being my grandfather (a Presbyterian minister with a church and the religious editor title on a daily paper). He passed the year before I was born.

    To this day, via mostly funerals, I've only recently met some people whose surname I share through blood. I and my sibs were exposed almost exclusively to my mom's Catholic side of the family, and were raised as such. My dad would duck out of the house for church only once a year, to attend midnight x-mas mass at a local Presbyterian church, alone.

    For family dynamics reasons, my sibs attended Catholic grade schools and sunday school, but I never did. When I was old enough to stay home on my own, I fought tooth and nail to stay home from weekly church. Somehow I won. To this day, I'm still unfamiliar with what to do/what is being talked about in church - kneel? No, stand. "And also with you". I do know not to fart or talk loud :biggrin1:

    It's just funny that at these crossroads, I've found myself wondering whether to seek solace/support from something that 1) tore my family up, 2) can never be fully reasoned, and 3) I never felt comfortable with in the first place.

    Thanks for the post, husky. Sounds like I could learn from you too.
     
  10. husky14620

    husky14620 New Member

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    We can all learn a lot from each other, as we all have a lot to learn.

    I sounds like you're on the right track seeking information on other spiritual belief systems, such as the Eastern ones you allude to from the library.

    There are also Gay friendly Christian churches, like the United Church of Christ and the Metropolitan Community Church. I myself no longer find Christianity to hold the answers I need, but to those who do believe, and show that belief in action not imposing on others, more power. Christianity is getting a bad name from the same sort of charletans who are giving Islam a bad name, the (false) fundamentalist preachers who distort the teachings of their faith for their own agenda.

    You could also research some of the "ancient" religions, or their descendents. Wicca and some of the neo-Druidic movements. Radical Faeries are probably too out there for you at this stage, but possibly sometime in the future. Spirituality doesn't have to be about "God". The entire Star Wars film series is about spirituality at its core. Belief in right and wrong, the connectedness of all things, the way that no wrong can lead to a right, these are the important tenets of any spiritual belief system.

    Peace, love, "Live Long and Prosper", and "May the Force be with You"
    Happy New Year
     
  11. DiegoID

    DiegoID New Member

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    Danny. My heart goes out to you, a gay man coming out in his late 30's.

    First off... I want to warn you about gay life. I've seen bad things happen to men in your situation, and I don't want you to go down that path. Beware of the gay "scene". Going to Sidetrack once in a while would probably help your coming out process, and help you feel not so alone in the world. You really do need to watch out for your sense of self. (Ok I'm rambling let's try again.)

    Some guys I've seen that come out later in life really manage to screw over their life. They get trapped in the nightlife, sex and drug scene. It is like they are trying to re-capture the lost time spent as a straight man. It is a scary for me to see groups of these 40+ yr olds on Tina/ICE (IE Crystal Meth) who aren't taking care of themselves physically, mentally, or spiritually. (And who knows what kind of unsafe sexual practices or STD's they may have). This (Hopefully) is advice you won't need, but I do hope it sticks in the back of your head. Just remember that you are the same person you were last year, and even 5 years ago. You've just come to the realization that you want something different sexually, that doesn't make you a different person.

    Two: For me the hardest part of coming out of the closet was admitting to myself that I was gay. I knew I was gay from my first erection, and I started denying my sexuality from that exact same time. I was able to make it throught both middle and high school fairly eaisly. (That whole Christian notion of no sex before marrage really helped me put off coming out.) I was under huge internal emotional pressure by my self denial. Going through each day claiming Hetero status, and then going home and wanking to gay porn I don't even know how I managed to create the mental barrier that wouldn't allow myself to be myself. Once I came out to myself I had a huge releif of pressure. Yes it was stressfull and difficult,but I thankfully live in So. Cal, and have had little to no hate directed towards me because I'm gay. I had an unusually good coming out process. Both my parents (allthough a bit disappointed) still love me and talk with me. Most of my friends knew I was gay waaaay before I ever came out to them (so it was a non-issue). A real friend will not abandon you simply because you happen to like guys, and you shouldn't be afraid to talk to the people in your life about this. I know you are building up courage to do just that, and you hopefully will be surprised at how little it affects your friendships.

    Three: Don't throw the Jesus baby out with the Bathwater. Right before I came out, I went into the closet deeper than ever before. I joined a evangalical prodestant demonation, The Assemblies of God. I thought that Jesus would make everything better. I thought that he would remove all my sinful same sex attractions. (Damn, why were there so many cute guys at church?) The day I came out to the pastor, was that day that my faith died. He "Exorcised" the gay demons out of me, anointed me with oil, and proclaimed me straight. Wow! Awesome! So why do I still have these same sex attractions? At that point I gave up on Christianity, and Jesus (Much to my regret now.) It took me years to get over my bitterness towards church and Jesus in general. I don't think I can ever really get my faith back into anything resembling Christianity (I don't believe in Heaven and Hell to start with). Once faith is lost it is virutally impossible to get back (just like innocence).


    I think it is great that you're involved in a forum where you can speak your mind openly, and come to terms with your sexuality. I look forward to seeing how things work out for you.


    :hug:
     
  12. dannymawg

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    And also with you :biggrin1:

    No no no, go on, ramble on man... it seems to be the coming out thing to do :biggrin1:

    Sorry to say but been there done that, bro. Ducking out on my drinking buddies to go hit Boystown all studlike. It's brought me around to knowing firsthand how scenes can get seedy/dangerous. Fuckin scary shit sometimes. And I thought I was abusing my body...

    My old man passed in 1998, and he did try, in his way, to get me to open up the last time I talked to him.

    Dissappointment is expected and I don't know how to counter it aside from getting angry at it.

    And as far as spirituaity goes, I need to spend more time at a good library than at a church.

    Maybe it's not so much coming out as it is coming around? Waking life?

    Existential funk? :biggrin1:

    Thanks for the responses - I'm here but chillin through New Years...
     
  13. husky14620

    husky14620 New Member

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    Sounds like he might have known... At least that something was 'wrong' and wanted to help you... You might find some of your friends are in the same way.

    I agree with DiegoID, be respectful OF YOURSELF! It is very easy to get carried away by the 'freedom' you discover after you come out. Too many men come out to lose themselves shortly afterward in the drugs, easy sex, and 'party and play' attitude that affects part of the Gay community.

    Spirituality can ebb and flow in many ways through your life. You said in one post that you never really accepted the church of your youth. That doesn't mean you can't be / aren't sprititual in other ways. True, it is very hard for spirituality lost to be regained. But it can grow in different directions that require seeking new expressions. One can have a belief in something greater than us, without belief in 'God'. If your local library has so little on the subject, check out interlibrary loan. Most libraries belong to a larger group, or a county wide system, and can get you books and materials from any of the other branches. Most University libraries are available this way as well, if you have access to even just a community college library. Don't give up on your search just because you haven't found the materials you need yet. They are out there, waiting for you.

    Joyous Yule and Happy New Year.
     
  14. fortiesfun

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    This continues to be a great thread. Must say that I greatly respect DiegoID's advice.
     
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