...of what I started here Firstly: I'm gay. The potential to be bi and "pussyphobic" had been presented to me by a member here, but for now I have to say sorry dude - gay here. Not hiding it anymore. Not like I've had to here :biggrin1: The only therapy I've ever sought was a coming out group therapy thing outlined here, and some stilted sessions earlier this year with a George Hamilton lookalike I couldn't connect with. I lost the benefit that paid for his time, anyway. I stumbled on the site here in September purely in braindead JO mode. What I saw lit many fires in my head, first/foremost about sexuality and my awareness/lack thereof. I thank you all for the wake-up calls. And I still haven't scratched the surface yet. I lost a second attempt at a stable career earlier this year during a layoff. I've outlined this in early posts, so those curious for detail can search my profile for them (and other posts that will explain who I am). I've had a lot of time over the summer to look for a "job", but I'm pushing 40 and I find myself experiencing career option paralysis, at the same time being wholly unprepared for some of those options. At roughly the same time I discovered LPSG, I resolved to "do something" about stabilizing my mental health - internally resolving my sexual identity - so that I can apply more energy to getting career and lifestyle fired up again in the face of the last flameout. I've spent a great deal of time here in the last few months getting to know folks/flow here, and I feel the time spent might actually surpass any live counseling in the same timeframe, with the added benefits of having witty entertainment and, uh... pleasant diversions :biggrin1: LPSG has provided me with the environment to "be gay" - much more so than I ever would in my dour, "straight guy" persona in real life. Which, I'm sensing, is me wearing the emperor's clothes, anyway. What I feel I need to do is to make these two worlds converge - have my LPSG world be a sort of model or manifesto or tool to change my conduct in the real world. So I and others around me affected by my presence can be more comfortable around each other. And get on with our lives. Nothing speaks to this more than something Lex posted just today: I like to think I'm an inherently nice guy. But this repression and groundlessness is killing that off. One of the other fires lit besides base sexuality was religion, and my awareness/lack thereof. It happens that I'm also discovering how my morals/actions/sexuality/lifestyle are tied together, and I don't like it. I don't think I'm burning any bibles yet, but I know my local library has a poor selection of Eastern philosophy. Add this to my dilemmas of being groundless in career and sexuality, and you have this post. I don't care about being guilty in the eyes of God - I'm more guilty about making Phillip Morris/Kraft stockholders rich. (If there was any one term that made me cringe in corporate life, it was "stockholder value".) I now also have the time to be smoking 2+ packs of Marlboro reds a day - "committing suicide by cigarette", to quote Kurt Vonnegut. Also in discovering LPSG, and actually while taking the pics in my gallery, I've come to realize that my dick is shrinking - presumably from poor circulation. Due to smoking. This is probably what freaks me out the most - my lifestyle has degenerated to the point where I'm now not only fucking up my vanity with yellow teeth/fingers, I'm emasculating myself. I feel my situation is small as compared to Lex and others. I have no immediate family (marriage/kids) to figure into the equation. I don't have any abuse or gross neglect in my history. My math should be pretty simple. Quit smoking without a crutch, be honest with people who deserve/need to know, be honest/realistic with myself, pull the proverbial bootstraps to make a good career decision to take me into retirement. I feel a need to document what happens in my world, and get input/feedback on it - even if it's snarky - as something else I need to grow besides a pair: a thicker skin. I intend on bumping this thread as I have updates from the real world. I have a plan - that my 40th in late spring is a target to have all parties notified, in person, to a degree that should suit the purpose in each case. In depth with certain friends, not so much with my brothers, etc. Due to holiday scheduling I've already procrastinated on my plan to start with a married couple who, in my real world, would come closest to a LPSG mindset :redface: I'm the real deal, folks. I'm here for some support. I'm one of those poor souls who takes LPSG too seriously, but it's my best bet now in the face of my situation. I got a big healthy dick that could be bigger (and seeing lots more action) if I took care of... me. Kinda wondering if this post/thread shouldn't be under Relationships/Discrimination/Jealousy, but Lex's thread is in Etc. Etc., so I start here.