a dilemma with my ex

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by the_reverend, Jul 31, 2009.

  1. the_reverend

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    i'm in a bit of a situation with an ex girlfriend from high school and i can't really talk about it with any of my "real life" friends...so i thought i'd seek the wisdom of you wonderful lot, especially the ladykind.

    this girl and i dated for a few months senior year of high school and remained friends after we broke up throughout college, but there was always this lingering sexual tension. we never slept together, though. the most we did was me fingering her in high school and some light phone sex (at one point years later, i sent her some of my very first cock pics...which was the first and only time she'd seen it! she seemed impressed, and disappointed that she'd never gotten to in real life, lol). anyway, towards the end of college we had a falling out and stopped talking for years. in the interim, she got married and moved away.

    a few months back, she got back in touch with me and we put all of our grudges behind us and started talking again. and sure enough, the same flirtiness and sexual tension started to appear again...innocent and playful at first, but escalating into some fairly racy conversations until we eventually exchanged more recent naked pictures. around this time she was planning on moving again and her husband had already gone ahead to find them a house and all. the ultimate terminus of all of this was that we wound up having very hot, very intense phone sex for about two weeks, during which she had multiple orgasms (which apparently surprised her as she said it had never happened before). when she was about to move herself and reunite with the hubby, i told her we should stop as it wouldn't be fair to him. and so we did. we behaved ourselves...

    except the last few days...we've been texting. and once again it's become very sexual, to the point that she got herself off while we were texting back and forth yesterday afternoon. so i'm worried we're back sliding into it and what might happen if we don't pull ourselves out.

    we've got a ton of chemistry and shared history and a very tumultuous relationship, which of course makes for a very hot attraction. she says she loves her husband and that everything is great at home, but that she can't stop thinking about having sex with me. i know we've crossed a lot of lines so far, but that's like a wall you're never getting back over. so...i'm tempted, but also worried. morally and spiritually, i know it's wrong. emotionally, i'm concerned if something WERE to happen, one of us would want more and the other wouldn't be able to give it (i don't know which would be which). at the same time, it's hard NOT to do it, and i don't want to reject her out of hand and hurt our re-developing friendship. the flip side being i don't know if all of this and what else might happen ARE damaging that friendship.

    i've just got a whirlwind in my head right now...it feels good to share that connection with her again, and it's a hell of an ego boost to know i can flip her switch that well from so far away with just pictures and words. and i'm just a natural flirt, so it feels like she should be the one to put on the brakes for her marriage...but she's the one who tends to escalate things and want more, so is it then my role as the "other man" to stop? because that's really difficult for me as a single and usually VERY horny guy.

    do we need to stop everything altogether? do we just need to fuck and get it out of our system? sorry for the lengthy rambling. like i said, i haven't been able to talk about this so it all kind of spilled out. thanks for listening (or, um, reading...i suppose) and if you have any advice or guidance or questions, i'd love to hear them. thanks!
     
  2. lucky8

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    run like hell
     
  3. D_Bob_Crotchitch

    D_Bob_Crotchitch New Member

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    You are asking for a nightmare beyond nightmares. Cut it off now.
     
  4. Baby_Girl

    Baby_Girl New Member

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    If she is willing to get a divorce before you take it further, then go for it. Otherwise cheating is NEVER a good idea.
     
  5. D_Doewell Dadong

    D_Doewell Dadong New Member

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    Stay friends don't fuck. Thats how i'd do it.
     
  6. badgirl22

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    The good answer is to cut it off now. It's the right thing to do. But, I wonder if you've already gotten to the point of no return where you believe you really have to have the full blown affair with her. I'm not one for cheating personally so I say cut and run! IF you do this, you'll both have to live with it and I'm not sure that's so easy.
     
  7. Baby_Girl

    Baby_Girl New Member

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    an affair has nothing easy about it...
     
  8. Irish

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    I'm with everyone else on this. If you can't have a platonic friendship, don't have a friendship at all with her.
     
  9. lucky8

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    a year from now, you'll feel much better about yourself if you don't do it than you will if you do do it...that's guarenteed, especially since you're so concerned about it now. This is the kind of situation where you don't let your dick do the thinking man...plenty of other women out there...if she cheats on her husband, she'd probably cheat on you too...a 3 month fling in high school is nothing special whatsoever...
     
  10. the_reverend

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    agreed...i think an actual affair/one time tryst is less of an immediate concern (though the temptation is there). i guess the more immediate worry is concerning the current state, with the phone sex, naked photos and, um, sexting seems to be the word kids are using these days. what are the thoughts on that? is it still cheating? is it permissible cheating? how do we stop and step BACK over those lines we've already crossed? and do i even want to? lol.
     
  11. PrincessBlueEyez

    PrincessBlueEyez New Member

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    be prepared for it to blow up in your face
     
  12. the_reverend

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    agreed...but the important question for me right now is "how?" it's simple enough to say "just do it" or "stop what you're doing." but when our entire friendship has had this flirtiness and sexual undercurrent to it, how do you remove that element and maintain the friendship? or roll it back to "pre phone sex" levels? i'm resolved not to sleep with her, and have told her as much. but the current situation, even with no actual sex, is really confusing.

    sigh...we should've just slept together before she got married when we had the chance. all this would be resolved then! lol!
     
  13. PrincessBlueEyez

    PrincessBlueEyez New Member

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    idrk if theres a magical reset button, yall have gone there so you cant just erase those memories/feelings, they're part of your friendship now, my guess is the husband is sweet and all, but just doesnt do it for her anymore, so the thrill of being with someone she shouldnt be is whats doing it for her now
     
  14. the_reverend

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    i guess that's part of what's so confusing...i figured once things started going so far down this path it was because she was dissatisfied with married life or something, but she has nothing but great things to say about him and their life together. but maybe it is a sexual thing...like, they're happy enough domestically but things aren't all that satisfying in the bedroom (i had another ex mention something similar about her current relationship a while back...how things were going great and she loved him, but the sex was just "okay" and not as good as it was when we were together and that she still loved me as well...though on the flip side, things were rarely "going great" in our relationship and we weren't always happy with the day to day stuff, lol). and given our sexual nature, history and the fact that it all went unresolved...i don't know, am i just the "other man?"

    dammit! i know i've always had trouble letting go...i guess i attract the same trait. and you're absolutely right, there's no way to undo what we did or get back behind the line we crossed. which is why i'm really determined for us not to sleep together...even if we said it was just going to be once, that one time would make it so easy to do it again...and again...and again...i just don't know how to keep what's been happening from continuing to happen. especially when not all of me is in agreement that i want to stop, apparently. again...confusing...:frown1:
     
  15. PrincessBlueEyez

    PrincessBlueEyez New Member

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    yeh, women need the whole package, someone they can connect with, and then someone who knocks their socks off in bed, and occasionally they have to go to seperate people for that
     
  16. cockneedy

    cockneedy New Member

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    well said, i am married for 20+ years and always "satisfied" my wife in the bedroom, turns out she still wanted to really be fucked, not just made love to. we love each other, remain married, but she goes out with an pld boyfriend that makes her feel and fuck like it was twenty+ years ago and then comes back to me. some women need more than one man can give themsome women are lucky enough to have husbands that understand.
     
  17. ripvanwinkle

    ripvanwinkle New Member

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    here's the problem with getting hooked on a married woman.
    1. when she does break up with you, who you going to talk to for sympathy? no one.
    2. when the hubby catches you, he just might send Guido to kneecap you:eek:
    3. when you break up their marriage, who's going to think highly of you (other than her and maybe not even her)?

    find a single woman quickly.
    or a powerful sportbike, it's addictive too! and probably less dangerous
     
  18. the_reverend

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    true...and it's not like i could give her the whole package either. knowing our personalities, a long term serious relationship between us would be fraught with its own hazards. probably not the healthiest thing in the world. lol! there's just all the chemistry and history between us...i guess i just need to look at it as she could've bedded me years ago when she had the chance and move on.

    but again the main problem/concern i'm having right now is how to untangle our friendship from the phone/text sex element, rather than the "should we sleep together" problem. clearly, we shouldn't and i know that and i've said that. but i'm worried that we've done/are doing now is going to become the focus of our relationship or like some kind of addiction for her and she's going to keep calling or texting me for her "fix." i'm rarely the one to initiate it, but i also have a hard time saying no once we've started down that path.

    so the big question is still "how do i do that?"
     
  19. D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead

    D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead Account Disabled

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    don't answer her texts?

    or, set some boundaries. "I'm not getting you off texting anymore."
     
  20. headbang8

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    Cold turkey is the only answer.

    It will hurt at first, for both of you. But there's no other way.

    The friendship is precious, that's true. But so is her marriage, and so is your peace of mind.

    You can't keep the fuse burning on a firecracker forever. Douse it, or it will explode.
     
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