A few things men wish women knew

Jovial

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I don't disagree with you, but I'm not convinced that's what you really want from us. There are in the world a few sensitive men who emote very freely, and they are generally regarded--by women as well as other men--as sissies and wimps. Few people have much patience for such men.
I like to cry. Usually it's when I see something that really moves me, like seeing someone showing strong emotions, or a story of a hero risking his or her life to save someone. I guess I've gotten good at imagining what other people are feeling, so watching TV or a movie I like to imagine being a character including the emotions and feelings that they are experiencing. This results in me crying often. I like to think of this as an emotional workout and I think it makes me stronger emotionally, or at least more passionate. I admit, I usually don't cry in public though. I would also cry if a girlfriend said something hurtful, usually something that showed she didn't understand or care about my feelings.

If someone wants to think I'm a sissy or wimp because of this then I'd say they are the wimp for being scared to let them self feel and experience their emotions.
 

Meniscus

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Thanks for the great comments. I don't have much to add, but wanted to reply to a few things:

We are all born knowing how to express ourselves freely. We cry to make ourselves heard, to make our needs known, and to release pent up nasty chemicals that are responsible for our "negative" emotions. No matter who you are, at some point in your life, you cried freely. If you no longer cry, then either you were taught not to cry (and can be "un-taught")...If you want to regain wholeness, help is available in many forms.

One thing that fascinates me about watching very young children is how they can go from laughing joyously one moment, crying furiously the next, and then back to laughter again. I'm amazed by and envious of their ability for spontaneous emotional response. I realize that it would be simply impractical for adults to react every feeling the way children do, I do recognize that many adults, of both genders, need to remember how to express their feelings.

When I think about it, the reason I cry when I'm angry is that I'm frustrated at trying to hold back the potentially destructive force of that particular emotion.

As you say, it's only "potentially" destructive. I think it's possible to be constructively angry. Anger is a perfectly legitimate response to injustice, for example, and if often the emotional power behind revolutionary movements.

In terms of more everday scenarios, if you're angry at a friend or family member, yes you need to hold back from verbally destroying them (or worse, getting violent), but I think it's possible to let yourself feel the anger and to express it in ways that are ultimately positive and effective. Of course that's easier said than done.

But you have given me food for thought, Meniscus, and I appreciate you taking the time to reply to my remarks so insightfully.

And the same to you.
 

Meniscus

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...a part of my anger, when I'm boiling mad, spills out in tears. I don't know why - it isn't a replacement for anger, it seems to be more a symptom or sideeffect. And it is the tears, and the fact that I know 99 times in 100 they will be misenterpreted as a kind of weakness, that frustrates me - not that I bottle in my anger. Does that make sense?

Yes. I remember feeling the same way. Too many times. When I was a boy. When I was crying but I wasn't supposed to. I eventually learned to control it, but I had to become like Mr. Spock to do it.

And to address the first bit (more generally) - you are extrapolating rather more from the tears than, I believe is there. If 'you' have done something that makes 'me' cry 'my' tears are a reaction - not a counterargument, nor a protest. 'You' will hear the counterargument / protest in the words 'I' am saying (or sometimes the silence 'I' am imposing*). I believe that men often interpret the tears as part of the argument whereas for the woman they really are just an outlet of emotion that just happens to occur at the same time...

I think you're right about that. Now this is the sort of information that would be useful on a "Thing Women Wish Men Knew" list.

* though that isn't something I do very often, more often if I am silent is it because I'm choosing my words carefully or taking a moment to control my emotions so you hear the words not just the emotion

Your footnote also contained very useful information. Thanks!
 

B_blackkid

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Gay men have mothers, sisters, friends, and many have also had relationships with women.

Gay men probably are better at coming up with such a list because they can observe women without the "little brain" coming into effect.

Bull. Shit. :mad:

That's so fucked up; that's like saying only lesbians should write about women's lists.

Makes no fucking sense whatsoever man.
 

Meniscus

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I like to cry. Usually it's when I see something that really moves me, like seeing someone showing strong emotions, or a story of a hero risking his or her life to save someone. I guess I've gotten good at imagining what other people are feeling, so watching TV or a movie I like to imagine being a character including the emotions and feelings that they are experiencing...

I like your examples from TV and movies because I'm the same way. I imagine what it must feel like to be in a certain situation. The problem is that sometimes people don't just risk their lives, they sacrifice their lives. Sometimes they fight and lose. Sometimes they are just victims. Trying to imagine what it would be like it that situation makes me feel terrible, and really kind of fucks me up.

My cousin is a big fan of The Sopranos, and I was recently explaining to him that although I believe what everyone says about what a great show it is, I can't bear to watch it. In general I don't care for the genre of film/TV that is about organized crime. The more realistic and well done it is, the less likely I am to like it, mainly because I find it very disturbing. I can't wrap my head around the callous disregardf or human life--worse, a code of honor and set of "family values" that promote violence and murder. Even though I know the story is just fiction, I know the world that it depicts is not. I can't imagine living in that world and I don't want to know about it.

This results in me crying often. I like to think of this as an emotional workout and I think it makes me stronger emotionally, or at least more passionate.

That's an interesting perspective. My initial thought was to disagree with you, but on further reflection...hmm...yes, you may be right. I have to admit that letting myself respond emotionally to TV, books, and movies has helped me move away from my former Spockishness.

This might be a good place to mention the following thread, for anyone who missed it:
http://www.lpsg.org/46271-movies-that-make-men-cry.html

Here are my responses to that thread:
http://www.lpsg.org/46271-movies-that-make-men-cry-11.html#post1116301
http://www.lpsg.org/46271-movies-that-make-men-cry-11.html#post1116277

But what really gets me is songs. There are certain songs I just can't listen to because they bring me down so much, unless I'm in a very rare and particular mood where I want to feel that way, and yet feel strong enough to handle it. One that always gets me is Kate Bush's "This Woman's Work."

YouTube - Kate Bush - This Womans Work

Another one is, oddly enough, from the science fiction miniseries, Children of Dune. In this scene,the hero's wife is dying in childbirth while the traitors who caused her death (they were poisoning her) are executed. (Unfortunately the clips cuts off at the end a bit too abruptly.)
YouTube - Inama Nushif - Children Of Dune

As a final example, I will mention Gary Jules cover of "Mad World" for Donnie Darko.
YouTube - Gary Jules- Mad World From Donnie Darko
 

Principessa

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6. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. I learned that years ago but it bears repeating for the younger set.

7. Express yourself. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. Fair Enough, but you complain about the women who share every thought or emotion so where is the middle ground?

8. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. People do this? :confused:

9. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. (Some of us like fat; your fatness may even be why we're attracted to you. But you don't want to know that, and we know it, so we're not going to tell you.) I have never asked a man that question in my life nor do I intend to start.

9b. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as garage door openers, yard work, sports, or electronic gadgets. I'm an only child I know how to appreciate silence. :smile:

10. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it. Lies! :eek::tongue:

11. Don't ask us our sexual fantasies unless you're prepared to hear them. The things we fantasize about would cause you to look at us differently, and not in a good way, and we know it. At best we're probably fantasizing about having a woman other than you (e.g., a supermodel or famous actress) or about having a threesome or an orgy. Other common fantasies include being dominated or humiliated, feet, watersports, double penetration, cuckolding, mature women, fat girls, "chick with dicks," and things you'd probably think are much, much worse. OMG! :aargh4:

12. Birthdays, Valentine's Day, and anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again! No, but for those of us who have had the misfortune of dating men who never express their feelings for us verbally or otherwise a nice card or box of candy on the appropriate day mean a lot.

14. If he forgets your birthday our anniversary, he knows how bad it is and he probably feels terrible about it. Really. That hasn't been my experience. The last thing he wants to do is hurt you. Yes, he needs to acknowledge his mistake, apologize for it, and make an effort to make it up to you, but once he does that, it's over. You need to forgive him and you can't use it as ammunition against him in the future. If you remind him of his mistake you'll only make him feel bad, he'll resent you for it, and it will poison the relationship. Fine, but he needs to make up for it; and it can only happen once.

15. Anything he said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. Listen to what he's saying now. What if reneging on what he said 8 months is the reason for the fight right now.

16. If something he said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, he meant the other one. ROTFLMAO :biggrin1:

18. If you want to change a man's mind, you'll make a lot more progress with a few good, solid reasons than with hours of animated emotion. Sorry, that can't be helped. I am naturally animated and since I wasn't allowed to express emotions as a child they tend to come out whether I want them to or not.

19. When you get angry over some stupid little pointless thing, we question your intelligence. We do the same with you. :biggrin1::wink:

20. Never nag a man in front of his friends. It's a no-win situation for both of you. Pfftt. :tongue: I'll remember that if I ever meet a man that likes me enough to introduce me to his friends.:frown1::redface:

21. When he screws up, go ahead and tell him–-but only once. Also, we do not think of it as consoling comfort to hear a woman gently say, "You see, honey? I told you so." That goes both ways.

22. For many men, Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. No problem. Just don't get dip on the new carpet. :smile:

25. You have enough clothes. ROTFLMAO That is so cute the way you say that with such conviction. :tongue::biggrin1:

26. You have too many shoes. ROTFLMAO That is so cute the

30. Regularly check your oil, your coolant/antifreeze, and your tire pressure. Learn how to change a tire. Showing self-reliance and responsibility impresses us, and knowing that you can take care of yourself give us one less thing to worry about. I have AAA and the only ex-bf I am on good terms with is a mechanic. Is that good enough?

31. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. What quiz?:confused:


34. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

35. Women wearing push-up bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. Agreed.

36. Consider our hobbies a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do. We can't spend every moment with you. Get a life of your own. Get some girlfriends, join a book club, church group, or take some classes. I once dated a man with no friends and no hobbies. :confused: I used to beg him to go play poker or golf once a week so he wasnt always sitting up under me all the time.

37. When we get home at the end of the day, we have no interest in telling you about our day. It was boring the first time and we have no desire to relive it. What we're really interested in is enjoying the rest of the day, with you. Besides, we know you're only asking as an opening to tell us about your day, so just go ahead and tell us already. Preferably quickly, because your day was boring, too.

38. Although we often suck as showing it, we love you, appreciate you, and need you more than you know. Please take care of yourself. We don't know what we'd do without you. Thank you! The thing is it would be ever so nice if men would show their appreciation of us in a way that we could actually see or hear periodically. If they did that the other 37 things you listed wouldn't be necessary. :cool:
 

SereneBlue

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33. Let him look at other women. He's going to do it anyway because he's biologically hard-wired for it. The less he feels he has to hide it from you, the more he'll appreciate you. Better yet, ogle women with him. He'll think your the coolest girlfriend ever, and it will really turn him on.

He can look but he'd better not do it in front of me unless he wants to see me doing the same with other men - especially appreciating their nether regions. He is of course welcome to ogle other men and help me pick out and appreciate the hot ones. I like checking guys out. :smile:
 

B_blackkid

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He can look but he'd better not do it in front of me unless he wants to see me doing the same with other men - especially appreciating their nether regions. He is of course welcome to ogle other men and help me pick out and appreciate the hot ones. I like checking guys out. :smile:


Yo'. Stare away. If both of you agree to that one rule the crap will disappear about "You looked at him!".

Man, I ENCOURAGE my girlfriend to look at other men; she still appreciates me thus I suppose it's not superficial is it?
 

Jovial

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One thing that fascinates me about watching very young children is how they can go from laughing joyously one moment, crying furiously the next, and then back to laughter again. I'm amazed by and envious of their ability for spontaneous emotional response. I realize that it would be simply impractical for adults to react every feeling the way children do, I do recognize that many adults, of both genders, need to remember how to express their feelings.
Animals are the same way. My cat is consumed with anger at the sight of another cat, but put some food in front of her and she snaps out of it in a split second. As we grow we learn to control that a bit. Some people still can't control those emotional shifts, though not quite dramatically as babies. Some snap into fits of anger, for example. The brain is really like a group of muscles. Just like we can move our muscles, we can direct our thoughts, controlling what we are focused on. And since emotions are just brain activity, we can learn to control them.

He can look but he'd better not do it in front of me unless he wants to see me doing the same with other men - especially appreciating their nether regions. He is of course welcome to ogle other men and help me pick out and appreciate the hot ones. I like checking guys out. :smile:
I don't like to be in a situation where I'm constantly worried that if I look at someone in public my partner will get upset. Talk about walking on egg shells...that is not a fun situation.

I don't understand, if you like checking guys out and he likes checking girls out, then why would you rather have neither? Why don't you both agree that the other can check others out?

And I'm still trying to figure out why women believe that a man will be happy and satisfied looking at one woman for the rest of their lives. I mean where did they learn that this is a reasonable thing to expect? Guys can be very loyal, but still look at other women. Get over the insecurities.
 

Principessa

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I don't like to be in a situation where I'm constantly worried that if I look at someone in public my partner will get upset. Talk about walking on egg shells...that is not a fun situation.

I don't understand, if you like checking guys out and he likes checking girls out, then why would you rather have neither? Why don't you both agree that the other can check others out?
Have you forgotten who she's dating? He's a jerk, an abusive jerk. He probably looks for reasons to have a fight.

And I'm still trying to figure out why women believe that a man will be happy and satisfied looking at one woman for the rest of their lives. I mean where did they learn that this is a reasonable thing to expect? Guys can be very loyal, but still look at other women. Get over the insecurities.
Where do we learn that from? I guess from my dad who never cheated on my mom or ogled (sic) women in her presence or mine. I'm not saying he never saw another attractive woman on the street in 45 years of marriage. I'm just saying he has enough brains, class, whatever not to stop dead in his tracks turn, with jaw dropped and eyes bulging; and stare at other attractive women.

Right, like men don't have insecurities too . . . :rolleyes: :confused:
 

Principessa

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17. Crying is blackmail. It's a form of emotional expression we've been conditioned our whole lives not to use, except for something really serious, like death (real death, not tearjerker movie death), and sometimes not even then. Hence, we don't understand it, can't relate to it, and don't know how to handle it. We'll do almost anything to get you to stop, including lying to you or promising to do something even if we think it's a bad idea. Use it if you must, but we don't like it and ultimately it's not good for the relationship.
I have heard men say this in various media before and it has always confuzzled me. Honestly, I am as annoyed as men by women who cry at the drop of a hat, or worse use tears as some bizarre bargaining chip. :mad: Do not get me started on crying in the workplace! What's up with that? :confused: Unless someone calls you and tells you a loved one is dead or a filing cabinet has fallen on your foot why does this happen? :confused:


I should probably explain that I grew up in a home with a narcississtic mother who did not allow unpleasant emotions or visages. I learned quite young (about 5) that crying was unacceptable. If I was physically hurt I could cry . . . but not for long, 5 minutes tops. Crying is of course allowed at funerals and wakes but other than that I pretty much have to search my memory for something she would consider a good reason to cry.

Consequently, I learned if I was sad and needed/wanted to cry I had to do it in the shower as it was the only place I had any privacy. To this day I cry in the shower. :redface:

Interestingly enough, my mom is one of those that crys when angry. Probably because she too keeps things in until they just bubble over.
 

SereneBlue

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I don't like to be in a situation where I'm constantly worried that if I look at someone in public my partner will get upset. Talk about walking on egg shells...that is not a fun situation.

I don't tell men to not to look. It's going to happen - I know that.. I just want them to show some decency and respect to me if they're going to do it and just be discreet about it. I don't go around making blatant lurid commentary to a SO with very obvious ogling and drooling of men with large bulges.

I was in a relationship with a guy who made it a point to stare, comment and say something suggestive about every woman around who caught his eye whenever we went out, watching tv, looking at magazines, walking down the street, eating at restaurants, etc. etc. etc. The commentary was a constant, daily, never-ending thing. There was no relief from it. He simply wouldn't stop despite my explaining why I thought it was excessive and unneccessary.


I don't understand, if you like checking guys out and he likes checking girls out, then why would you rather have neither?Why don't you both agree that the other can check others out?

I tried that route. He didn't like it and berated me as a slutty whore. It was ok for him to do all of the above but if I did even a tiny little bit he was on my case immediately about what a god damn worthless slut I was. It was a beat down to my self-esteem to constantly hear how worthless and ready to cheat at the drop of a hat I supposedly was. "Good girls" don't look at other men. It's not in their biological nature as it is with men and just separates the sluts from the good women (yes, that was one of his arguments to me).

In any case I don't like making any commentary nor do I like doing anything so that anyone would ever know. I'm always discreet. My checking men out is rare.


And I'm still trying to figure out why women believe that a man will be happy and satisfied looking at one woman for the rest of their lives. I mean where did they learn that this is a reasonable thing to expect? Guys can be very loyal, but still look at other women. Get over the insecurities.

I am lenient. I just ask for some consideration of my feelings too. Don't throw it in my face everyday about how you would love to get some tail from that hot young, slender, 22 year old waitress that's taking our order if only you were single - or the one tallying up our purchases in the grocery store or the hot young thing with the big knockers on the sitcom or the 20-something working in the building across the street that has that oh-so-fine piece of ass, etc.

To me it's the equivalent of a short man with a small penis having a GF or wife throw it in his face every damn day how she'd just love to fuck that guy at Pep Boys with the massive bulge if only she were single - or the guy with the 6 pack abs who shoots baskets in the driveway 2 doors down or the tall guy who jogs in the park everyday or that hot bodybuilder she sees in the gym everyday, and oh-wait! Did you see what that young guy over there is packing? Damn! I sure as hell wish I could get me some of that...he's MMM, MMM Gooood...etc. etc. etc.


Does that make it clearer why I'm allergic to such behavior in a man now?

p.s. NJQT - thanks for the comment. Actually the guy I'm describing here is not the same as the other in the other thread. The guy who did this was over a decade ago.
 

Jovial

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Yes, SereneBlue, that is crazy disrespectful. Thanks for clarifying. I think I'd break up with whomever I was with before I'd start making all those comments in front of her.
 

Principessa

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Yes, SereneBlue, that is crazy disrespectful. Thanks for clarifying. I think I'd break up with whomever I was with before I'd start making all those comments in front of her.[/quote]
I didn't read all of her last post as I knew it would dredge up unpleasant memories. :frown1::redface:

It also didn't occur to me you didn't realize there are more men out there like the one she describes, than there are men like you. Remember that the next time you encounter a woman who seems an odd mix of shy and defensive. :cool:

I too have a man in my past who would not only stop and stare; but then say something to me like, "Damn! Baby why can't you have have a big boobs like that?"
 

TheRob

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Thank you!

I believe the free expression of emotion, as it occurs, is healthy for women and men. Some of us do cry when we're angry. We can also cry when our feelings are hurt, when we're frustrated, or when we're sad about something (and no, it doesn't have to be death.)

I believe the solution to the point raised in #17 isn't for women to cry less -- it is for men to cry more!

I'm not about to start stifling my emotions for any man, and my man wouldn't have me any other way. In fact, he refers to me as "emotionally mature," because I've become good at recognizing and expressing my emotions as they occur, exactly as they are. I don't build mountains out of molehills, but I don't act as if the little things don't matter, because over time, they can matter a great deal.

I call it "keeping my emotional house clean." I don't let shit build up, and that leaves me with a clean slate continually in my most important relationships. I don't carry resentments around -- if you upset me, I will probably cry (I'm an emotional creature) and if you're not strong enough to handle that without feeling "blackmailed," I don't need you in my life.

if youw ant men to be more fre with thier emotions YOU need to as WOMEN get on other women that call men weak when they do it
you can't sit there quietly and think to yourself she's wrong for that
you have to say it
you have to say it like you actually give a shit