A First... I Met Someone

Stringer

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Ever since I first started dating less than two years ago, I have always wondered if there was something wrong with me. I dated a bit and slept with the occasional guy here and there. It was all just very “blah,” for lack of a better word. Every guy I dated was nice, some even funny. But I never felt anything for any of them. Nothing REAL. You know what I am talking about, that feeling when you just know. Magic, I guess you could call it. For two years, I had this lingering doubt in my head about whether I could feel MAGIC for another man. Lord knows I was not about to start dating girls again.

Then, out of nowhere, like it always happens, Jack came into my life. It started with an innocent online message sent earlier this month; he told me I had one of the most beautiful bodies he had ever seen. There was a certain charm about Jack that I felt right away that was different -- just from reading this simple, one sentence message which he ended ever so innocently with “Cheers.” What was crazy is that Jack is not even my “type” physically. He was slim and average height, whereas I have always been drawn to taller, muscular guys. His written profile was brilliant, and I was very intrigued, maybe even attracted, right away. Jack was just so.... different from everyone. And I loved it.

We exchanged messages extensively on that first day, and by night, we spoke on the phone for the first time. The first five minutes were a tad awkward, but that was to be expected. Very quickly thereafter, we were cracking jokes and exchanging that hard-to-find witty banter I so love. Of course, he was a southern guy, thick drawl and all. He was an English teacher originally from rural Alabama, and he was just as brilliant, charming, eloquent and funny as I knew he would be. Aside: I am starting to learn quickly that I have a huge, huge weakness for well-spoken southern men. The ‘Bama boy and the Yankee from Brooklyn hit it off. How perfect, right?

The first phone conversation went over two hours, and it felt like ten minutes. We planned to meet on Friday in Starbucks, just two days away. Before we met, I had those normal doubts that everyone gets before meeting. “What if I don’t like the way he walks? What if he has terrible style? What if...?” No. He was inside, already with a black iced coffee, sitting at a table next to the window, sunlight rolling in. I sat down across from him and right away my doubts were gone. He had the most BEAUTIFUL green eyes I had ever seen. For the first time in my life, I was able to stare into someone’s eyes and just know. It was right. As cheesy as some clichés are, many of them are rooted in truth. “The eyes are the window to the soul.”

After about fifteen minutes with him in Starbucks, he said to me “yeah, we’re fucked.” As in, yes, the feelings were very much mutual. We were fucked because I was only going to be at school for less than a week before returning home to New York for the summer, where I would not be able to see Jack. We left Starbucks and started to walk a bit, basking in the gorgeous, warm, spring sunlight. I kept unintentionally and subtly bumping into him. It was totally accidental, and that pretty much illustrated my attraction to him. We had a laugh about it and he was surely not complaining that I was invading his personal space.

We reluctantly parted ways that day but continued to be in contact as much as possible via phone and text. On Saturday night, he sent me a quasi-love song to listen to, saying that it was a song he had always loved, but was never able to apply it to someone whom he felt strongly about. I lay in bed at 4 AM Sunday morning, and I listened to the song, which I was admittedly never really fond of. The song built in a gradual crescendo, as I knew it did, and three minutes in, at its climax, I burst into uncontrollable tears. What. The. Fuck. I never cry. Seriously. I only cry when I vent to my amazing, empathetic mother about something that is deeply bothering me, and that is not often. How crazy all of this felt; I was learning things about myself that I had never known. I was feeling emotion for the first time that I had never felt. I was LIVING.

Fast-forward to late Monday afternoon. I was delirious from having slept only one hour over the previous 36. I was strung out on caffeine and studying “performance enhancers” because I had four final exams, four days in a row from Monday to Thursday. I finished my first exam, and it was time to go see Jack again. Well, I walked into the room where he was, and I just felt that something had changed. I looked at him and could not really recognize him like I previously did. That magic was gone. Was it the chemicals racing through my body which caused my delirium? Was I just getting cold feet?

I sat down and he said “just talk to me.” So, I talked. I was terrified. All of those good feelings were gone, and I told him that I felt differently. I started uncontrollably sobbing again, this time into his arms. I got his black sweater moderately drenched. Soon, the release of tears started to ease me. I began to relax. Slowly, the look in his eye came back that I first fell in love with. I started to smile again. We continued to converse; he continued to put me at ease. And then... We kissed. Not a deep French kiss, but a soft, sensual peck on each of our lips. The magic was back. Things progressed and we started making out. Words cannot do it justice, so I will not attempt to describe it. Let’s just say that it felt like heaven with him sitting there on my lap, gazing into my brown eyes. We were one.

We were hungry at this point so we went out to dinner. The service sucked, but we didn’t give a shit. We sat there for three hours continuing to share different things about our lives to each other. Some of the random things we had in common were downright scary: our fear of giant waterbugs and both of us having cats with the same not-so-common name, for example. We both loved that we were fire signs, Jack a confident Leo, me a cocky Sagittarius (a perfect match, by the way, according to astrology). Can you say power couple? Dinner ended and we strolled through the city and eventually parted ways again, this time being harder than it was on Friday.

The week went on and we continued to communicate nonstop. We were “mutually addicted,” as Jack phrased it. I was freaking out about my finals and he was always there to calm me down, at literally any moment during the 24 hour day. We were supposed to see each other again Wednesday, but I canceled on him because I would not have enough time to finish my schoolwork. That bothered him, and rightfully so.

The different feelings started to flutter back into my head and heart, and I was confused as ever. Why the fuck was this happening? Could I not just fall in love already? I told him and he started to get legitimately worried. He assured me that all people have doubts in these situations. But he had been in several relationships before, and knew how to manage the crazy feelings better than I did. This was my first time going through any of this, and he told me he had experienced the same emotional anxiety at my age.

This story does not have a happy ending, I am afraid. We met on Thursday, the day before I departed for home, and my feelings of fear and unrest won out over the pleasant butterflies I felt for Jack. He knew it right away, and the moment of truth arrived. I saw the pain in his face like I had never seen on anyone else I’d ever known. I was breaking his heart, which made ME feel broken hearted. All I had told him was that hurting him was the last thing I had ever wanted to do. I said goodbye and went home the next day.

Why did Jack and I fall apart? I don’t know if I will ever be able to pinpoint it. It could have just been horrendous timing. In one sense, because my finals were stressful enough, and dealing with those feelings while dealing with a newfound infatuation was impossible to manage. Maybe, in a broader sense, we just met at the wrong stages of our lives. He was ready to jump off the metaphorical cliff with me, and I was not. Maybe it was our difference in experience levels that did us in. Maybe we just progressed too quickly for our own good. I really cannot say.

What I do know is that part of me loves Jack, as briefly as we were in contact with each other. What I do know is that I am beyond grateful that he crossed paths with me. I was able to meet the most romantic, smart, caring and empathetic person I have ever known in my short lifetime. Will we see each other again? Who knows. Will I ever be able to forget Jack? Never. And I would never want to.
 
D

deleted3782

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As abnormal as this perhaps feels to you, your experience will feel very familiar to lots of us. Love/lust/infatuation/connection is great, and even I have enjoyed the fireworks (yes, I've felt fireworks) in relationships long ago. Now you know your blood can get pumping and there is some passion down inside your loins that you can tap (pun awknowledged).

Maybe you realize this was a dead end proposition because you had to go home. Maybe you will meet Jack again on a Parisian avenue in five years and the timing will be better. Maybe you will meet a guy next week that inflames your loins the same way. Maybe your experience with Jack will give you a little more relationship confidence that you can leverage int he next connection. I can't help but think this was a great experience, even though some pain is involved.

Thanks for sharing your experience, it was great to read...you write very well!
 

psguy64

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May be there's a second chance, so take the chance, with your feelings I would seek out Jack. And I agree with exwhyzee.

I will briefly share a couple love stores, much my first one was like 'broke back mountain' from young adulthood for the next 25-yrs by mutual agreement with a second love story that lasted 10-yrs which ended unilaterally 6-yrs ago.

I will never forget my first and by comparison since, a week does not go by without having fond memories. Yet really, nothing has been even close since.

I continue to hope, wondering 'if' ever again. With the memories I believe and think as it has been said elsewhere, 'when you least expect'.
 
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Stephenmass

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Stringer you felt the way you did and you let him go? Pretend we know each other really well and I'm saying this to you as a really good friend. You are an idiot. There was nothing there that scared you away except perhaps the thought of getting too close to someone. You can't find love because you don't allow it to flourish. You end it because you don't feel comfortable feeling that way about anybody!!
 

Stringer

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Stephen, I did not let him go.

CLARIFICATION: we have been exchanging messages over Facebook since I came home. We are letting the dust settle while we are apart for these summer months. Reconnecting when I am back at school is actually a likely possibility. In what way we reconnect is to be determined. We could be nothing, we could wind up being good friends, or we might actually fall in love. We shall see.
 
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Stephenmass

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Thought I read the whole thing....like this part....

"This story does not have a happy ending, I am afraid. We met on Thursday, the day before I departed for home, and my feelings of fear and unrest won out over the pleasant butterflies I felt for Jack. He knew it right away, and the moment of truth arrived. I saw the pain in his face like I had never seen on anyone else I’d ever known. I was breaking his heart, which made ME feel broken hearted. All I had told him was that hurting him was the last thing I had ever wanted to do."

My thought after reading this was damn, why did he do that then?

Then I read this............

"Why did Jack and I fall apart? I don’t know if I will ever be able to pinpoint it. It could have just been horrendous timing. In one sense, because my finals were stressful enough, and dealing with those feelings while dealing with a newfound infatuation was impossible to manage. Maybe, in a broader sense, we just met at the wrong stages of our lives. He was ready to jump off the metaphorical cliff with me, and I was not. Maybe it was our difference in experience levels that did us in. Maybe we just progressed too quickly for our own good. I really cannot say."

And everything I read before that sounded so good that my gut reaction was he is an idiot!! LOL!!

I think you should reexamine potentially what people do when they are that connected. Like relocating. Like NOT leaving. I don't think he would have had that pained look on his face if he wanted you to leave. It's hard to fake a true pained look!
 

Stringer

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"I think you should reexamine potentially what people do when they are that connected. Like relocating. Like NOT leaving. I don't think he would have had that pained look on his face if he wanted you to leave. It's hard to fake a true pained look!"

I'm not sure what you mean here. I had to come home for the summer; there was no other option. And why would he be faking anything? Either you misread something, or I'm the confused one.
 
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You should consider the physical and mental pressure you were under during this time. The lack of sleep alone can put your emotions on a roller coaster. It has been known to impact blood pressure and body chemistry in just a few days.

Since you had already been dwelling on what it would take to fill the empty spot you have reserved for a lover; it just could be that a number of good things may have come together for you when Jack came into your life. At another time you might not have seen Jack as you do now. Lightning, providence, or serendipity doesn’t strike often. I say take it and run with it

Use the summer and the clarity that distance provides to learn all you can about Jack. Use your communications to focus on him and what he is about. You can’t have or test a relationship without knowing the other person.
 

Stephenmass

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Stringer, I think we both ARE a bit confused man. I just read your clarification a few posts above and I missed it or my mind just skimmed and didn't really read. It does sound as if there could be something. I was reading thru your original post and you know I think as well as I do that a connection like that is very rare. What do you think made you say "the magic was gone" and then a few sentences later the "right look" from him rekindled that prior magic for you? I guess I'm having problems how one day you could be totally attracted and have it all be magical and the next "the magic was gone". You two by your own words seemed so connected it made it enjoyable to read.

I do (and we don't know each other from a hole in the wall) think of you as an "online friend" that I enjoy reading and responding to. The first time I read thru the whole thing there just seemed to be so much romance that I felt the electricity. Further down the "magic was lost" and even further down by his look rekindled.

I didn't realize you two would be seeing each other in the fall when school starts up again. By your own words there just seemed like such a chemistry that if I were you I'd made it a point to remain connected online, occasional phone calls, etc.

It's not easy finding "Mr. Right".....

It's harder down the line if you never reconnect (I hope you do in the fall) and look back later in life and have it be one of your regrets (we all have regrets about things in our past) that you didn't reignite it in the fall.

Don't be wondering what he could have been like when fall begins......find out what he IS like moreso than already when you have the chance.

I didn't mean to come across as rude and I apologize if it was read that way man.

Bronx huh? You softie!! LOL!! I love the Bronx........
 

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Ah, young love and university. Such a bewildering combination at the time, yet it produces some fantastic memories. Hold on to them, Stringer. This is your heart telling you it's ready. Pay attention and don't be afraid.
 
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On Saturday night, he sent me a quasi-love song to listen to, saying that it was a song he had always loved, but was never able to apply it to someone whom he felt strongly about. I lay in bed at 4 AM Sunday morning, and I listened to the song, which I was admittedly never really fond of. The song built in a gradual crescendo, as I knew it did, and three minutes in, at its climax, I burst into uncontrollable tears.

I gotta know what this song is. I imagine it to be The Babys "Every Time I Think of You"!
 

helgaleena

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Cooling off with the distance of Facebook between you sounds very wise. I think the very intensity of your connection is what unnerved you. With great passion comes great susceptibility to hurt.

Not everyone connects this way. Many people prefer the more 'buddy with benefits' sort of connection. But that is like saying bananas are superior to apples. Love is always valuable, and friendship helps to sustain it. Best of luck, and keep your heart open.
 

Stephenmass

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Why cool off what seems like a great connection Helgaleena? If anything, why let the intensity scare you? Intensity is a bit unnerving, but that same intensity can build into something that is hot (not just sexually)!! Intensity is what makes it great I thinnk. That's a great word for what I felt when I read his original post.