- Joined
- Feb 19, 2012
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Ever since I first started dating less than two years ago, I have always wondered if there was something wrong with me. I dated a bit and slept with the occasional guy here and there. It was all just very blah, for lack of a better word. Every guy I dated was nice, some even funny. But I never felt anything for any of them. Nothing REAL. You know what I am talking about, that feeling when you just know. Magic, I guess you could call it. For two years, I had this lingering doubt in my head about whether I could feel MAGIC for another man. Lord knows I was not about to start dating girls again.
Then, out of nowhere, like it always happens, Jack came into my life. It started with an innocent online message sent earlier this month; he told me I had one of the most beautiful bodies he had ever seen. There was a certain charm about Jack that I felt right away that was different -- just from reading this simple, one sentence message which he ended ever so innocently with Cheers. What was crazy is that Jack is not even my type physically. He was slim and average height, whereas I have always been drawn to taller, muscular guys. His written profile was brilliant, and I was very intrigued, maybe even attracted, right away. Jack was just so.... different from everyone. And I loved it.
We exchanged messages extensively on that first day, and by night, we spoke on the phone for the first time. The first five minutes were a tad awkward, but that was to be expected. Very quickly thereafter, we were cracking jokes and exchanging that hard-to-find witty banter I so love. Of course, he was a southern guy, thick drawl and all. He was an English teacher originally from rural Alabama, and he was just as brilliant, charming, eloquent and funny as I knew he would be. Aside: I am starting to learn quickly that I have a huge, huge weakness for well-spoken southern men. The Bama boy and the Yankee from Brooklyn hit it off. How perfect, right?
The first phone conversation went over two hours, and it felt like ten minutes. We planned to meet on Friday in Starbucks, just two days away. Before we met, I had those normal doubts that everyone gets before meeting. What if I dont like the way he walks? What if he has terrible style? What if...? No. He was inside, already with a black iced coffee, sitting at a table next to the window, sunlight rolling in. I sat down across from him and right away my doubts were gone. He had the most BEAUTIFUL green eyes I had ever seen. For the first time in my life, I was able to stare into someones eyes and just know. It was right. As cheesy as some clichés are, many of them are rooted in truth. The eyes are the window to the soul.
After about fifteen minutes with him in Starbucks, he said to me yeah, were fucked. As in, yes, the feelings were very much mutual. We were fucked because I was only going to be at school for less than a week before returning home to New York for the summer, where I would not be able to see Jack. We left Starbucks and started to walk a bit, basking in the gorgeous, warm, spring sunlight. I kept unintentionally and subtly bumping into him. It was totally accidental, and that pretty much illustrated my attraction to him. We had a laugh about it and he was surely not complaining that I was invading his personal space.
We reluctantly parted ways that day but continued to be in contact as much as possible via phone and text. On Saturday night, he sent me a quasi-love song to listen to, saying that it was a song he had always loved, but was never able to apply it to someone whom he felt strongly about. I lay in bed at 4 AM Sunday morning, and I listened to the song, which I was admittedly never really fond of. The song built in a gradual crescendo, as I knew it did, and three minutes in, at its climax, I burst into uncontrollable tears. What. The. Fuck. I never cry. Seriously. I only cry when I vent to my amazing, empathetic mother about something that is deeply bothering me, and that is not often. How crazy all of this felt; I was learning things about myself that I had never known. I was feeling emotion for the first time that I had never felt. I was LIVING.
Fast-forward to late Monday afternoon. I was delirious from having slept only one hour over the previous 36. I was strung out on caffeine and studying performance enhancers because I had four final exams, four days in a row from Monday to Thursday. I finished my first exam, and it was time to go see Jack again. Well, I walked into the room where he was, and I just felt that something had changed. I looked at him and could not really recognize him like I previously did. That magic was gone. Was it the chemicals racing through my body which caused my delirium? Was I just getting cold feet?
I sat down and he said just talk to me. So, I talked. I was terrified. All of those good feelings were gone, and I told him that I felt differently. I started uncontrollably sobbing again, this time into his arms. I got his black sweater moderately drenched. Soon, the release of tears started to ease me. I began to relax. Slowly, the look in his eye came back that I first fell in love with. I started to smile again. We continued to converse; he continued to put me at ease. And then... We kissed. Not a deep French kiss, but a soft, sensual peck on each of our lips. The magic was back. Things progressed and we started making out. Words cannot do it justice, so I will not attempt to describe it. Lets just say that it felt like heaven with him sitting there on my lap, gazing into my brown eyes. We were one.
We were hungry at this point so we went out to dinner. The service sucked, but we didnt give a shit. We sat there for three hours continuing to share different things about our lives to each other. Some of the random things we had in common were downright scary: our fear of giant waterbugs and both of us having cats with the same not-so-common name, for example. We both loved that we were fire signs, Jack a confident Leo, me a cocky Sagittarius (a perfect match, by the way, according to astrology). Can you say power couple? Dinner ended and we strolled through the city and eventually parted ways again, this time being harder than it was on Friday.
The week went on and we continued to communicate nonstop. We were mutually addicted, as Jack phrased it. I was freaking out about my finals and he was always there to calm me down, at literally any moment during the 24 hour day. We were supposed to see each other again Wednesday, but I canceled on him because I would not have enough time to finish my schoolwork. That bothered him, and rightfully so.
The different feelings started to flutter back into my head and heart, and I was confused as ever. Why the fuck was this happening? Could I not just fall in love already? I told him and he started to get legitimately worried. He assured me that all people have doubts in these situations. But he had been in several relationships before, and knew how to manage the crazy feelings better than I did. This was my first time going through any of this, and he told me he had experienced the same emotional anxiety at my age.
This story does not have a happy ending, I am afraid. We met on Thursday, the day before I departed for home, and my feelings of fear and unrest won out over the pleasant butterflies I felt for Jack. He knew it right away, and the moment of truth arrived. I saw the pain in his face like I had never seen on anyone else Id ever known. I was breaking his heart, which made ME feel broken hearted. All I had told him was that hurting him was the last thing I had ever wanted to do. I said goodbye and went home the next day.
Why did Jack and I fall apart? I dont know if I will ever be able to pinpoint it. It could have just been horrendous timing. In one sense, because my finals were stressful enough, and dealing with those feelings while dealing with a newfound infatuation was impossible to manage. Maybe, in a broader sense, we just met at the wrong stages of our lives. He was ready to jump off the metaphorical cliff with me, and I was not. Maybe it was our difference in experience levels that did us in. Maybe we just progressed too quickly for our own good. I really cannot say.
What I do know is that part of me loves Jack, as briefly as we were in contact with each other. What I do know is that I am beyond grateful that he crossed paths with me. I was able to meet the most romantic, smart, caring and empathetic person I have ever known in my short lifetime. Will we see each other again? Who knows. Will I ever be able to forget Jack? Never. And I would never want to.
Then, out of nowhere, like it always happens, Jack came into my life. It started with an innocent online message sent earlier this month; he told me I had one of the most beautiful bodies he had ever seen. There was a certain charm about Jack that I felt right away that was different -- just from reading this simple, one sentence message which he ended ever so innocently with Cheers. What was crazy is that Jack is not even my type physically. He was slim and average height, whereas I have always been drawn to taller, muscular guys. His written profile was brilliant, and I was very intrigued, maybe even attracted, right away. Jack was just so.... different from everyone. And I loved it.
We exchanged messages extensively on that first day, and by night, we spoke on the phone for the first time. The first five minutes were a tad awkward, but that was to be expected. Very quickly thereafter, we were cracking jokes and exchanging that hard-to-find witty banter I so love. Of course, he was a southern guy, thick drawl and all. He was an English teacher originally from rural Alabama, and he was just as brilliant, charming, eloquent and funny as I knew he would be. Aside: I am starting to learn quickly that I have a huge, huge weakness for well-spoken southern men. The Bama boy and the Yankee from Brooklyn hit it off. How perfect, right?
The first phone conversation went over two hours, and it felt like ten minutes. We planned to meet on Friday in Starbucks, just two days away. Before we met, I had those normal doubts that everyone gets before meeting. What if I dont like the way he walks? What if he has terrible style? What if...? No. He was inside, already with a black iced coffee, sitting at a table next to the window, sunlight rolling in. I sat down across from him and right away my doubts were gone. He had the most BEAUTIFUL green eyes I had ever seen. For the first time in my life, I was able to stare into someones eyes and just know. It was right. As cheesy as some clichés are, many of them are rooted in truth. The eyes are the window to the soul.
After about fifteen minutes with him in Starbucks, he said to me yeah, were fucked. As in, yes, the feelings were very much mutual. We were fucked because I was only going to be at school for less than a week before returning home to New York for the summer, where I would not be able to see Jack. We left Starbucks and started to walk a bit, basking in the gorgeous, warm, spring sunlight. I kept unintentionally and subtly bumping into him. It was totally accidental, and that pretty much illustrated my attraction to him. We had a laugh about it and he was surely not complaining that I was invading his personal space.
We reluctantly parted ways that day but continued to be in contact as much as possible via phone and text. On Saturday night, he sent me a quasi-love song to listen to, saying that it was a song he had always loved, but was never able to apply it to someone whom he felt strongly about. I lay in bed at 4 AM Sunday morning, and I listened to the song, which I was admittedly never really fond of. The song built in a gradual crescendo, as I knew it did, and three minutes in, at its climax, I burst into uncontrollable tears. What. The. Fuck. I never cry. Seriously. I only cry when I vent to my amazing, empathetic mother about something that is deeply bothering me, and that is not often. How crazy all of this felt; I was learning things about myself that I had never known. I was feeling emotion for the first time that I had never felt. I was LIVING.
Fast-forward to late Monday afternoon. I was delirious from having slept only one hour over the previous 36. I was strung out on caffeine and studying performance enhancers because I had four final exams, four days in a row from Monday to Thursday. I finished my first exam, and it was time to go see Jack again. Well, I walked into the room where he was, and I just felt that something had changed. I looked at him and could not really recognize him like I previously did. That magic was gone. Was it the chemicals racing through my body which caused my delirium? Was I just getting cold feet?
I sat down and he said just talk to me. So, I talked. I was terrified. All of those good feelings were gone, and I told him that I felt differently. I started uncontrollably sobbing again, this time into his arms. I got his black sweater moderately drenched. Soon, the release of tears started to ease me. I began to relax. Slowly, the look in his eye came back that I first fell in love with. I started to smile again. We continued to converse; he continued to put me at ease. And then... We kissed. Not a deep French kiss, but a soft, sensual peck on each of our lips. The magic was back. Things progressed and we started making out. Words cannot do it justice, so I will not attempt to describe it. Lets just say that it felt like heaven with him sitting there on my lap, gazing into my brown eyes. We were one.
We were hungry at this point so we went out to dinner. The service sucked, but we didnt give a shit. We sat there for three hours continuing to share different things about our lives to each other. Some of the random things we had in common were downright scary: our fear of giant waterbugs and both of us having cats with the same not-so-common name, for example. We both loved that we were fire signs, Jack a confident Leo, me a cocky Sagittarius (a perfect match, by the way, according to astrology). Can you say power couple? Dinner ended and we strolled through the city and eventually parted ways again, this time being harder than it was on Friday.
The week went on and we continued to communicate nonstop. We were mutually addicted, as Jack phrased it. I was freaking out about my finals and he was always there to calm me down, at literally any moment during the 24 hour day. We were supposed to see each other again Wednesday, but I canceled on him because I would not have enough time to finish my schoolwork. That bothered him, and rightfully so.
The different feelings started to flutter back into my head and heart, and I was confused as ever. Why the fuck was this happening? Could I not just fall in love already? I told him and he started to get legitimately worried. He assured me that all people have doubts in these situations. But he had been in several relationships before, and knew how to manage the crazy feelings better than I did. This was my first time going through any of this, and he told me he had experienced the same emotional anxiety at my age.
This story does not have a happy ending, I am afraid. We met on Thursday, the day before I departed for home, and my feelings of fear and unrest won out over the pleasant butterflies I felt for Jack. He knew it right away, and the moment of truth arrived. I saw the pain in his face like I had never seen on anyone else Id ever known. I was breaking his heart, which made ME feel broken hearted. All I had told him was that hurting him was the last thing I had ever wanted to do. I said goodbye and went home the next day.
Why did Jack and I fall apart? I dont know if I will ever be able to pinpoint it. It could have just been horrendous timing. In one sense, because my finals were stressful enough, and dealing with those feelings while dealing with a newfound infatuation was impossible to manage. Maybe, in a broader sense, we just met at the wrong stages of our lives. He was ready to jump off the metaphorical cliff with me, and I was not. Maybe it was our difference in experience levels that did us in. Maybe we just progressed too quickly for our own good. I really cannot say.
What I do know is that part of me loves Jack, as briefly as we were in contact with each other. What I do know is that I am beyond grateful that he crossed paths with me. I was able to meet the most romantic, smart, caring and empathetic person I have ever known in my short lifetime. Will we see each other again? Who knows. Will I ever be able to forget Jack? Never. And I would never want to.