A Friend in Need....Need advice....

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Pene_Negro_Grande, Jan 20, 2006.

  1. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    Okay hopefully I can explain this without being too long....I need some advice and don't have anyone else I can talk about this with so I am like what the hell - I will ask it here....What should I do in this situation....First a little background....I hang out with a pretty attractive group of friends....I mean there is about 20 of us (guys and girls) that hang out consistently....But I am the one person in the group that everyone tells their dirt too because for some reason everyone thinks I give the best advice and I usually never judge anyone and I genuinely care and look out for my friends best interests....My friend are like my family and I would do anything for them....But things I don't like and try not to get involved with is everyone hooks up with each other girls or guys behind each others backs but I am like the only one who knows....But right now the major concern is for one of my guy friends who we will call Bill....

    Okay Bill is in my opinion, his shrink, and his own opinion - an emotionally unstable guy....I mean this guy falls in love with every girl he finds attractive to the point it is creepy and all the girls drop him....But the guy is one of the nicest guys you ever want to meet and just does not have any survival skills when it comes to life and relationships....I mean he puts his heart into girls he just meets....He grew in this Norman Rockwell rich family so he is a little naive....

    Bill comes to me and tells me that he has been dating this girl (lets call her Beth) secretly for a month and asked me my opinion about it since he valued and trusted my opinion....Beth happens to be a friend of mine somewhat because she use to screw my bestfriend and my roommate (sometimes in the same night) - she is shady....Okay dumb Bill has fallen for this girl while she was dating my now ex-roommate and now she broke up with the ex-roommate to date Bill exclusively....I told Bill in my opinion he should not date her because he is not emotionally stable to handle a situation if she cheated on him....And I promised him as much as she said she has changed - she will cheat on him....He told me that he respected and appreciated my opinion....

    Okay me know Bill I knew he wouldn't take my advice so I called him the next day and said that I shouldn't have said that and maybe she has changed and it is none of my business anyway....That was 2 months ago....Since then I hear that he has moved her into his condo and wants to marry her....Okay here is where the problem is....My best friend Tom tells me in confidence tonight that he and Beth got drunk the other night and Beth gave him a blowjob and said that they can have a secret thing together....Also Tom has a girlfriend who he lives with but Beth is a girl he use to cheat on his girlfriend with like a year ago....Beth has probably screwed at least 5 guys in our group while she has had a boyfriend and all these guys have a girlfriend....I think she is a nympho....She told Tom that she has cheated on Bill already once with some random guy she met in a club but she loves him and doesn't want to break up with him....

    My delimma now is should I tell Bill even though I warned him before but I know he will be crushed....But I also don't want to get my bestfriend in trouble too because it would ruin his already shakey relationship....And my bestfriend made me promise not to say something....But I also not going to let Bill marry this chick either because he could get a little crazy over this because he is pretty insecure and jealous already....Most of my friends are like trust fund kids so they never really had to struggle so they don't understand or care about consequences....We all just party and do some reckless things but it is never a dull moment....Why do girls do that to great guys....What would you do in my situation....
     
  2. D_alex8

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    It sounds to me as though all those in your circle of friends are pretty promiscuous, but that you have fallen into the old stereotype of viewing the women as 'nymphos' and the men as simply 'great guys'.
     
  3. davidjh7

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    Been in a similar situation. Here is what I would do--for what it is worth--you know your group of friends better than anybody here, so do what you feel is the best thing in your heart, and accept what happens. Since Beth is a fairly well know "active" lady, shall we say, I would talk to HER directly, and tell her it has been getting around that she has been sleeping around on Bill, and intends to continue to do so, even if they get married. She may or may not love Bill, but she certainly doesn;t repsect him enough to be either faithful, or honest, with him. That is a relationship doomed from the beginning--it is just a matter of how long it takes to fall apart. Youdon't have to name names, since she obviously has been with a fair number of guys--just tell her that the news is getting around. Tell her you like and respect Bill, and that you know given his present state, how devastating it would be to him to have this all come out. I would give her an ultimatum, to make a choice---either stop her behavior, or drop Bill---no matter how this plays out, Bill is going to get hurt, and hurt badly. But sometimes there isn;t a thing we can do to stop a friend from hurting, only be ther to help them through it. If she tells you it is none of your business, tell her everybody is making it your business, and you are trying to protect a vulnerable friend she is treating like dirt, who definately doesn;t deserve it. Tell her you will make sure it gets around what she is doing enough that Bill will find out, even if it isn;t directly from you. I know it is a very shitty thing to do to either of them, but these people made you involved, so you have to do what you ultimately think is going to be the least harmful to everybody. Take or leave all or parts of this advice--just my opinion, since you asked for some input. Good luck!! I know how hard it is to be the "good friend" to everybody sometimes. You usually pay a high price for it.
     
  4. Dr Rock

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    kill them both and string up their corpses for the finches to peck at
     
  5. AlteredEgo

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    I wouldn't say jack shit. No one involved wants you to anyway, including Bill. When the shit hits the fan, be just as shocked as anyone else. And when it comes out that you knew, insist that you didn't. Stick to that story, and don't budge.
     
  6. B_DoubleMeatWhopper

    B_DoubleMeatWhopper New Member

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    Wait until the wedding. When the priest/minister/rabbi/Justice of the Peace/Jerry Springer says, "If anyone present knows why these two should not be joined in matrimony, let him speak now or forever hold his peace," stand up and say, "Beth is sucking Tom's cock behind Bill's back, and fucking other guys as well." Maybe people will stop getting you involved in their own personal drama if they know that you're willing to spill their tea in public.
     
  7. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    I was kind of considering talking to her if the marriage proposal comes....But the only thing I know is this girl will be hooking up with some guys that are not in my group so I don't know and she will know it was my best friend who told me since I don't know the other guy she has hooked up with....But also my best friend knows me very well and believe it or not - he likes Bill a lot too even though his actions don't indicate it which I told him that too....He knows I would tell him before he married this girl....
     
  8. scottsimms

    scottsimms New Member

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    Stay out of it completely and find new friends.
     
  9. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    That is funny because our group is so Jerry Springer or like a soap opera....The guys are so dramatic in this group with the most out there personalities....It is big competition thing among the fellas but the weird thing is that we are all pretty tight friends and stick together....
     
  10. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    Yeah nympho might not be a good word - how about a sex addict and I am being nice her....Oh my great guy friends are freaks and sex addicts too....Like I said I really don't judge anything they do because I am not a saint myself but I don't hook up with folks in the group and I think that is why everyone respects me the most....
     
  11. college22punk9

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    Not to be the dissenting opinion becuase everyone says "dont say anything its not your business"... your friend does come to you for advice and stuff, and basically he is giving his heart to someone fully, and its a trashy shady slut. I would first go to her, and say "look i know what you've done... bill is a nice guy.... so break up with him if you are gonna keep cheating on him". You know she obviously isn't gonna stop cheating. If she doesn't tell him about it, I would eventually. He is your friend... so is she, but whats the point of having these freinds if you just look the other way in situations like this?? This is when friends need you the most. To help you from making stupid ass huge mistakes that could cost a lot. I mean, what kind of friend will bill think you are, if he knows you knew all this and didn't tell him?

    Not only does "beth" not respect the relationship she's in, but she is putting bill at risk for STDs.... I mean... if he's considering marrying her and such.... they MIGHT not be using protection all the time or something, and thats just not cool. I mean if people wanna sleep around with whoever, whenever, thats their business to do it, but if they are in a relationship and they are lying about their actions, then they are just asking to be found out (usually in an unpleasant way).

    I guess thats why Im getting so mad at people lately. The level of "personal integrity" in some is almost nil. People lying and cheating and all this crap is very....discouraging. When will people not be ashamed of what they do?.... or realize that they WILL be ashamed if they do somethign, and decide not to do it. In our society, it just looks like its going downhill more and more.

    ANYWAY (short answer): talk to her and tell her to tell bill, if she doesn't then you should, if you are his friend.
     
  12. Dr Rock

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    this is by far the best suggestion (apart from mine)
     
  13. Matthew

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    PGN, if you care about Bill, you have to tell him if she doesn't. You don't have to give away the identity of the guy she cheated with. Imagine how you'll feel if they get married and she breaks his heart, and you could have prevented it.
     
  14. kurios

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    OK as I see it Bill isnt likely to listen to anything negative about Beth and as you said "he wouldnt listen to my advice" at the beginning of your post. Nice as he may seem he is likely to hit disaster head on at some point so whether Beth is the instigator or someone/something else is almost not relevant.

    Beth is unlikely to change so no loss..

    Tom is your best friend and to me regardless of where else you heard about Beth's mating habits he shared information with you in confidence and it looks like Tom figures he can count on you to keep your trap shut and if he cant then he might realise you arent the friend to him that he thinks you are.

    You on the other hand though totally well meaning could lose Bill as a friend for raising the ugly truth and lose Tom as your buddy while also pissing Beth off. Everyone could turn on you and even leave the bystanders thinking you were the the cause of the breakup not her screwing around.

    Suggestion: Ask Bill if he thinks Beth is totally ready to settle down even saying you wouldnt be sure and leave it at that. That should get him thinking if he is ever going to and if no alarms are set off you did your bit!
     
  15. B_horribleperson

    B_horribleperson New Member

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    tell bill that you dont think beth is a good match for him because of her past actions. tell him you know she has cheated on him. when you do this call him up and tell him to come over, you have something major to tell him.and tell him that you found out yesterday that beth has cheated on him a number of times. and be ready for him to be pissed off .
     
  16. RPM

    RPM New Member

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    Be NEUTRAL!

    Don't say anything, don't give unsolicited advice.
     
  17. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    Okay I called Bill just to say what's up....The dude is so happy being in a relationship with Beth....He was like saying all they do is come home, go out to dinner and have sex and he is happy....Bill is the type of guy that is like the girl in the relationship....He is happy just curled up on the couch with just his girl....Beth on the otherhand is the original party girl that wants to go out all the time....We are all going out with the group on Saturday night for a birthday party....I plan on talking to Beth not saying I know she cheated on Bill but I know her track record and it wouldn't be cool if that is what she is doing to Bill....Plus she knows my bestfriend and I talk even though she told him not to tell me so I am sure she will suspect that I know....Dilemma here - I think I am going to play it by ear and wing it....I don't have a problem telling Beth about her reckless behavior....I did it before when she was fooling around with my bestfriend a year ago and I told him to cut all contact off with her if he really loved his girlfriend and valued his career and reputation....He did it then so Beth does fear me in that situation and really does want me to talk to Bill....Also, Bill knows me well enough that I would only be looking out for his best interests and wouldn't get mad at me for telling him....He would be more mad that I didn't tell him....But this guy really deserves some happiness because he is just too nice for his own good....I just don't want him to get hurt because like I said he is not the most emotionally stable person....
     
  18. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    I could stay out it completely but I love my friends to death and wouldn't imagine not having them....We have all been there for each other on all aspects except for some of these sneaky hookups....Hell that is what happens when you put a bunch of attractive non-married people together....
     
  19. davidjh7

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    Like I said, Bill is gonna get hurt, no matter what. That is the situation, and there is nothing anybody can to to stop him getting hurt. All you can do, and it IS your choice what you do or don't do, is to try and minimize the level, and length of that hurt. Even when friends get pissed at you for being the messenger, the people who ARE you friends, will respect you and KNOW that you care enough to take the risk of doing what is in their best interests, even when it hurt. I wish you well, my friend. Yours is not an enviable position, and there WILL likely be fallout on you. As long as you can live with your choice, and have done the very best you can, then that is the best you can do. Good luck!!
     
  20. SomeGuyOverThere

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    My personal opinion (as a neutral party who, like you, receives all the gossip because everyone trusts me) is to stay out of it.

    Let it reach it's natural conclusion (Most likely: Shit hits the fan) and be there to pick up the pieces.

    The problem with trying to mend the situation is that you are very likely to make the shit hit the fan prematurely, and then there will be quite a bit of blame heading your way (quite probably from Bill).

    So, if you step in, and make the shit hit the fan, part of it becomes your fault, if you stay out of it and let the shit hit the fan, none of it is your fault.

    Either way, the shit will probably hit, so chose now: Caked in shit or Shit Free?
     
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