A Friend in Need....Need advice....

Bryan_Lyte2

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SomeGuyOverThere said:
My personal opinion (as a neutral party who, like you, receives all the gossip because everyone trusts me) is to stay out of it.

Let it reach it's natural conclusion (Most likely: Shit hits the fan) and be there to pick up the pieces.

The problem with trying to mend the situation is that you are very likely to make the shit hit the fan prematurely, and then there will be quite a bit of blame heading your way (quite probably from Bill).

So, if you step in, and make the shit hit the fan, part of it becomes your fault, if you stay out of it and let the shit hit the fan, none of it is your fault.

Either way, the shit will probably hit, so chose now: Caked in shit or Shit Free?

I've been in this situation with my naive friends a few times before. In fact right now. No matter what you say he's going to do what he wants. Give him warning. When It falls apart, and it will, he will listen to your advice more carefully. If he's a really good friend he'll hate you when you tell him until he finds out himself.

There is another way out also. Let him find out by pointing him in the right direction and letting things happen on their own. If she has slept with someone else in the group have him ask that guy what he thinks of her. After that enjoy the fireworks.

Like it's already been said. YOU CAN'T WIN.

It's not your fault. It's not like you could have stopped him from falling for her.
 

MsLulu

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I agree with DavidJH:

I would give her an ultimatum, to make a choice---either stop her behavior, or drop Bill---no matter how this plays out, Bill is going to get hurt, and hurt badly.
One of my closest gal pals was engaged to this real slime. I learned that he was cheating on her and I told him flat out: "you have two choices. You will tell her, or I will. You have 24 hours." He pussied out and bailed. I told her the next day. She didn't want to hear it, confronted him and it all ended. She was devestated.

If it was me, I would want to know. I don't care how emotionally unstable I am. Deep down, you want to know. Your responsbility is to Bill, not this squealing, screeching, rapacious swamp sow of a heartless slut. He IS going to get hurt no matter what comes of this--whether he ignores the transgressions and forgives her (he'll get hurt later, we both know that) or whether he ends it.

Either way, it sounds like he has very little self confidence to allow someone to treat him this way. No matter how sneaky someone is on cheating, there's always a part of you that knows something is off. People just learn how to ignore their intuition when they're blinded by "love."

If Bill really is your good, dear friend. You can either just tell him, or give her the chance to. I would, as David suggested, go to her first and give her an ultimatum. "Either you tell him, or I will." People don't treat my friends in this manner. It's not a good situation either way. I'm sorry you have to be in the middle of it. It's never a fun thing when people you are close to are on the brink of being hurt in such a way. :(

EDIT:

I plan on talking to Beth not saying I know she cheated on Bill but I know her track record and it wouldn't be cool if that is what she is doing to Bill.

I wouldn't pussy foot around it. Just tell her straight up that you know. I would have no allegiance to someone like this and would have no qualms taking sides in the matter. What has she done to deserve polite consideration? She's sucking another guy's dick and fucking at least one other that you know of (probably more in there.)
 

panthera

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I disagree with the folks who say it's none of your business. A long time ago I was introduced to a man at party who worked with some of my colleagues and acquaintances.
He was a great guy, we had a lot of fun together...I fell in love and, 18 months later ended the relationship because I found out he was cheating on me. Cheating? Well, he made a big deal about how our relationship was to be exclusively monogamous; he was always extremely jealous of any man I ever met and did anything with. (Although I was true to him.)
It hurt, it caused pain.
But what really bothered me was that our common circle of acquaintances knew he was cheating on me and hadn't told me. When I asked a few why, the standard answer was: Well, it's really none of our business. What is between two people is only their business.
Bullshit.
If I knew that someone I loved was headed for a big disaster, I would warn them. If they then went ahead and made the mistake, ok - that would be their adult decision. Acquaintances are people who are there when the sun shines. Friends are there when the shit hits the fan.
In this concrete case I would take him aside and tell him the truth - talking to her is useless, she doesn't care.
Oh - a person in a committed relationship who cheats on their partner is by definition not a nice person; both men and women can be sluts so let's cut the political correctness nonsense. She is a slut. And hard hearted.
On a more personal note, and forgive my bluntness, maybe it is time for your group of friends to start growing up?
 

fittnesshemale

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why do you feel you have to get involved ,they told you in confidence so if your a good friend you should keep the secrets they tell you however if you dislike your freiends behavior simply tell the next one who cheats on anyone of your friends that you dont like what he/she are doing ,what got you into this troubel is you , the next time 4 ex Beth tell´s you what she been up2 tell her what you think about it .you see allways keep your friends secrets and allways tell them what you think from the begining , good luck and try to find some new friends :rolleyes:
 

AlteredEgo

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I really don't think Bill wants to know. I know when I found out I was being betrayed i didn't want to know, even though I actually thought I did want to know. A friend had tried to give me a clue a few years (that's right, years) prior, and I stopped trusting her. If Bill wanted to know, he'd already know. He's no idiot, right?

I would keep my mouth shut and pretend to be stunned later.
 

Pene_Negro_Grande

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Yeah I kind of agree after this past weekend that Bill was happier than I have ever seen him in a relationship so it would seem that he doesn't want to know....Plus I think he suspects something because my best friend said that Beth told him that Bill specifically told her that he didn't want her to have any contact with my best friend because of their past and he is jealous of him....I actually didn't confront Beth Saturday like I planned because it was another one of our friend's birthday party and I didn't want to bring a down mood for her birthday party....Beth actually seemed really good with Bill and she was especially nice to me for some reason....
 

panthera

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My 2 cents to her being nice: I lived with a tom/queen pair for 17 years. Born into the same litter, they hated each other passionately. (Normal for cats, I have read, supposed to prevent incest...) Whereas the tom would do non-subtle things like shove his sister into the bathtub (usually with me in it. ouch.), I always knew she was hatching a plot because...she was nice. The nastier her plan, the nicer she was to her brother.
The day she threw a 20kilo (44 pounds) statue from a bookcase down onto his favourite place to sleep (just missed) began with her grooming him and sharing (gasp!) her breakfast with him. Usually she ate her's then batted him in the face then ate his, too. In retrospect, she was obviously trying to get him fat and sleepy...
Can the red head erase his freckles nor the leopard change his spots?
Nope.
(Yes, I know the original, it always offended me, but given my pen-name and hair colour guess the dichterische Freiheit is allowed)
 

Bryce

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As the one who is like you when it comes to professional and personal relationships: I really feel for you. No matter what you do or who you talk to it just is not going to be a happy ending. I have tried to be the good person that tells the friend who needs to know and got threatened with a broken beer bottle in one instance. Needless to say that is one friendship that bit the dust.

You stepped in at the very beginning - you did a great thing there. Beth is being nice because she is probably worried given how much you do know about what she's been up to even with the other chap.

I can only side with the folk that said to step back now and stay out of it. Neither of them are going appreciate you for trying to stop the train wreck that is their relationship. If others in your circle get caught up in the fallout - its you the fingers will point at even though all the protagonists are fully aware of what Bill and Beth are like.

Bear in mind:

1. You told Bill from the beginning about what he is like and what Beth is like. He is a big boy and will just have to learn his lesson. He seems to love being in love - and is definately one will to see what he wants to see...

2. I do agree with the sentiment that men and women sleeping around are the same - men arent good ole boys fooling around while the women are sluts. A manwhore is just the same as a nympho...

3. You indicate you have already spoken to Beth about herself before. She obviously doesnt listen any more than Bill does.

The next time well-meaning friends come to drop their dirty laundy in your corner - tell them to back off and that you dont want to hear any more. Why isnt Tom (?) going to Bill himself eh? Doing the ultimatum thing - most of the time doesnt work - its you that people turn against...

You cannot win in this situation and ultimately other people's refusal to pay heed to your well-meaning intentions in the first place is not your responsibility.

Best of Luck

B
 

DougRR

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Pene_Negro_Grande said:
Okay hopefully I can explain this without being too long....I need some advice and don't have anyone else I can talk about this with so I am like what the hell - I will ask it here....What should I do in this situation....First a little background....I hang out with a pretty attractive group of friends....I mean there is about 20 of us (guys and girls) that hang out consistently....But I am the one person in the group that everyone tells their dirt too because for some reason everyone thinks I give the best advice and I usually never judge anyone and I genuinely care and look out for my friends best interests....My friend are like my family and I would do anything for them....But things I don't like and try not to get involved with is everyone hooks up with each other girls or guys behind each others backs but I am like the only one who knows....But right now the major concern is for one of my guy friends who we will call Bill....

Okay Bill is in my opinion, his shrink, and his own opinion - an emotionally unstable guy....I mean this guy falls in love with every girl he finds attractive to the point it is creepy and all the girls drop him....But the guy is one of the nicest guys you ever want to meet and just does not have any survival skills when it comes to life and relationships....I mean he puts his heart into girls he just meets....He grew in this Norman Rockwell rich family so he is a little naive....

Bill comes to me and tells me that he has been dating this girl (lets call her Beth) secretly for a month and asked me my opinion about it since he valued and trusted my opinion....Beth happens to be a friend of mine somewhat because she use to screw my bestfriend and my roommate (sometimes in the same night) - she is shady....Okay dumb Bill has fallen for this girl while she was dating my now ex-roommate and now she broke up with the ex-roommate to date Bill exclusively....I told Bill in my opinion he should not date her because he is not emotionally stable to handle a situation if she cheated on him....And I promised him as much as she said she has changed - she will cheat on him....He told me that he respected and appreciated my opinion....

Okay me know Bill I knew he wouldn't take my advice so I called him the next day and said that I shouldn't have said that and maybe she has changed and it is none of my business anyway....That was 2 months ago....Since then I hear that he has moved her into his condo and wants to marry her....Okay here is where the problem is....My best friend Tom tells me in confidence tonight that he and Beth got drunk the other night and Beth gave him a blowjob and said that they can have a secret thing together....Also Tom has a girlfriend who he lives with but Beth is a girl he use to cheat on his girlfriend with like a year ago....Beth has probably screwed at least 5 guys in our group while she has had a boyfriend and all these guys have a girlfriend....I think she is a nympho....She told Tom that she has cheated on Bill already once with some random guy she met in a club but she loves him and doesn't want to break up with him....

My delimma now is should I tell Bill even though I warned him before but I know he will be crushed....But I also don't want to get my bestfriend in trouble too because it would ruin his already shakey relationship....And my bestfriend made me promise not to say something....But I also not going to let Bill marry this chick either because he could get a little crazy over this because he is pretty insecure and jealous already....Most of my friends are like trust fund kids so they never really had to struggle so they don't understand or care about consequences....We all just party and do some reckless things but it is never a dull moment....Why do girls do that to great guys....What would you do in my situation....

I have been in this situation and lost. Lost everyone. Best advice..Stay out of it, totally and completely. You cannot win.
It's strange that women are always nymphos and sluts and men are just great guys.
Doug
 

Matthew

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If I was in Bill's shoes, I'd want my true friends to tell me. That's for sure.
 

Pene_Negro_Grande

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Bryce said:
Bear in mind:

1. You told Bill from the beginning about what he is like and what Beth is like. He is a big boy and will just have to learn his lesson. He seems to love being in love - and is definately one will to see what he wants to see...

2. I do agree with the sentiment that men and women sleeping around are the same - men arent good ole boys fooling around while the women are sluts. A manwhore is just the same as a nympho...

3. You indicate you have already spoken to Beth about herself before. She obviously doesnt listen any more than Bill does.

B

Yeah you describe Bill very well....I have never met a guy that is that much like that....Way too trusting with his heart....I do feel a little vendicated concerning another one of my best friends (Dave) who I am probably the closest too....Another one of our close friends told me that another guy in the group (Shane) was fooling around with a girl he was dating....Granted I only told him because really didn't like the girl that much but I told him what kind of friend he supposedly had since the 3 of us hang out together pretty tight....Of course he was like Shane wouldn't do that we got into a heated arguement and of course he asked Shane who denied and said that me and the other friend was making it up....I told Dave that I would never tell him anything again....But Dave and I happen to go to this restaurant the other night for late night drinks and Dave and the girl happen to be there together being very intimate....They were cold busted and I thought it was funny....Strange thing and I was kind of upset with Dave about it - is that they tried to act like nothing was wrong which I felt uncomfortable and weird about....Dave just told me later that he was just upset with Shane because he kind of stabbed him in the back but he can forgive him for that....Sometimes I think we are too close and too much like a soap opera....