A friend that confessed he likes guys...

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Pene_Negro_Grande, Jul 5, 2005.

  1. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    Okay this past weekend I had a LPSG moment...I had a party this past weekend and got really trashed so my friend told me to leave car and he would take me home...He lived pretty far away for him so I said he could stay the night and then take me to my car...So we get to my room and watch videos and talk...As I am really tired and falling asleep he started sounding a little depressed over his job that he lost and said he kind of fills like an outcast among my over friends...So being the supportive friend I try to confont him...Somewhere throughout the conversation he confesses that he and a guy at his last job fooled around one night when they were drunk and the guy told some people at his job so he was mortified (Both of these guys are supposedly straight)...I admitted to him that I had been w/a few guys (one night stands) in the past myself and it made him feel better about himself...This is the first friend that I have ever told that so it was a big step for me...

    Then he goes on to say when he was in college that he and some of his frat buddies use to have jack off sessions and wanted to know if I had any porn and was interested (apparently that is what he and his co-worker had)...Okay my mind flashed to LPSG.ORG from reading some of the stories and I said what the hell why not...I put the porn and we stripped and hit my bed...Okay it was cool but felt a little weird to be in a bed w/a male friend talking about things...I think I always knew my friend kind of liked me but didn't know for sure and that is why I let the conversation led to this...I let him know since I knew he liked me now that I do like guys but not having sex w/them which I think made him a little nervous because other that a couple of back rubs and running fingers through his hair that was the extent of our contact...I told him that I am more attracted to women in an emotional way and having sex w/them than men...

    I guess the problem is that I wasn't into this at all and realized maybe I am not into guys as much as I thought...I mean the guy is attractive and good body so you would think I would have had some sexual feelings but there were none...He was like I am so happy to have someone to talk to about his bi-sexual feelings...I felt that this could be cool to have someone who really knows me and can be very open with...The issue is that by realizing I might not be into guys as much as him because all he wanted to know as what other straight guys in our group have I hooked with before and letting me know he thought was hot and who he would hook up with...I told him none and he says that I just don'tI was very turned off by that since I really never think about my friends who I want to hook up with...Then he goes on to ask me stuff about my bestfriend and I like if we ever fooled around and what kind of equipment he had because he hooks up tons of women...So since he thought I was avoiding talking about people he knew I stupidly told him that other than being in bed nude together and maybe a curious touch or two - nothing ever went on before and that we are just extremely close and he is pretty sexually open w/just me and other than that - he is straight...

    Okay my best friend extremely good looking and really vain and into his looks and body so I could definitely see why he was asking hoping that he was bi-sexual too...He is one of those people that women and men find very attractive and doesn't have a problem w/guys hitting on him...But I found myself kind of annoyed w/this guy but I couldn't let him know because I promised this guy that I would not tell anyone and always would be there for him since he felt like an outcast...But the next day when my best friend and I went to lunch my best was telling me that this guy was calling him all morning wanting to hangout and I was like I wonder why he called you and not me (my bestfriend knows him through me but this guy never called him before)...He thought it was a little weird and I told him that the guy was going through some emotional stuff and just wanted some friends so I said invite him to lunch if he wanted to...I almost wanted to tell my best friend what happened the other night but I promised that other guy I wouldn't plus I have never even told my best friend my slight interest in guys but I know he knows just because of our interactions...My best friend love each other and joke that if we were going to be gay - it would only be for each other since I am the only guy he is this comfortable with and knows everything about him...

    Okay I don't know what to do now because I find that me and this guy have nothing in common...And I really don't like hanging out w/him and having conversations w/him about who he thinks is hot and which friends I think are good in bed...I felt like I was talking to a woman and this guy is pretty masculine...He said he goes to gay clubs and I am not into them...I guess I am more on the straight side than I thought...And I don't like him calling my best friend to try to hang out because I know where his mind is going and I know my best friend will shatter those thoughts if he makes a move on him...So I am wondering what should I do about this w/o breaking his spirit and sending him more into depression about his situation because I really feel bad for this guy...I mean the guy came over the next night wanting to talk and spent the night and nothing happened we never touched or anything but just slight in the same bed clothed and I normally sleep in the nude but I didn't want to give him any ideas...Has anyone encountered anything like this...
     
  2. strongsilent

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    I've never posted before, but since no one else responded yet I thought I'd jump in.

    Lonely Guy has a crush on your best friend, and is essentially trying to ask your best friend out on a date. Is your concern really about whether Lonely Guy will tell your best friend what went on between him and you? Thats what I'd be sweating in your situation.

    You have some regret about getting naked with Lonely Guy anyway, because when his private thoughts were revealed it was not stuff you wanted to hear or could identify with.

    That regret doesn't mean you aren't bisexual -- but Lonely Guy sounds like a closeted homosexual, and so you seem straight compared to him.

    So your choices are: a) tell Lonely Guy to lay off your best friend, b) tell your best friend about you and Lonely Guy first, or c) play it cool and let the whole thing blow over. Since youve kept Lonely Guy's secret, you can appeal to his sense of honor and tell him you expect him to keep yours. And encourage him to hang out with guys who he realistically has a shot at getting naked with if thats what he's craving.

    Beyond that, I'd choose option c) and play it cool. Hope that helps.
     
  3. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    Not really worried about I like how you call him (lonely guy) telling my best friend anything about what happened w/me and him...Like I said my best friend and I are really close and he knows me well enough that he probably wouldn't be surprised but more why I didn't tell him...I am actually more concerned w/Loney Guy getting his spirit crushed because I am probably the only friend in the group that feels bad for Lonely Guy and try to include him in activities the other friends...And my best friend would probably turn it around on Lonely Guy and accuse him of trying to corrupt me or something (my best friend will never see the wrong on my part)...
     
  4. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    You know at first I thought it would be cool to have someone to talk to but it actually is becoming annoying...I mean this guy now calls me everyday wanting to know what I am doing or hanging out with and will feel like I am leaving him out if I don't invite him...And he assumes every guy that I am with that I am interested in (which is definitely not the case)...I tried to explain to him that those are just friends and I don't even think of guys I hang out w/like that...It like Lonely guy thinks we are in some serect club together...Not my style at all...
     
  5. Alley Blue

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    Before I say anything, I think the posts you make here are so thought provoking.

    Anyways,
    Were you a little tipsy that night that you were originally with him? From my stand point, the liquor seemed to be motivating that whole initial situation. Perhaps his inhibitions were lowered, and felt he could express more to you then he normally would. Perhaps you played into this being that you were tipsy and popped the tape in, hoping that it would make him feel better.
    I would make it clear to him that you both were a little drunk that night, and that the whole situation was just a bad mistake. Even if it wasn’t the liquor, I would still blame it on the liquor. Tell him you got caught up in the moment ( and the liquor) and that your interest in guys is just passing notion and not a deep rooted desire.

    He sounds like he has a lot of issues he needs to sort out (sexuality wise), I get the impression that he thinks your in the same boat he's in and perhaps he thinks you understand what he's going through. Perhaps now is a good time to tell him that your feelings regarding men and his feelings regarding men are totally different. Perhaps you can reassure him that your there for him, but that your sexual interests in men are very different from his.


    I hate making assumptions about things when I wasn’t even there.....lemme know if I'm way off base with this......
     
  6. steve319

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    You've done a great job making me see your sympathy for Lonely Guy. Sounds like he's desperate for the company of other gay men and in need of acceptance. It's kind of you to care about him being crushed, as evidenced by your efforts to get him involved in activities with the group and in your willingness to listen to him and promise to keep his talk in confidence. You've got a lot of compassion, PNG, and that's a good thing in human beings. ;)

    Sounds like he's lonely enough to not be able to easily grasp that your mild attraction to and curiosity about other men isn't the same as his own full-blown attraction. Poor guy.

    I'd bet you wish you'd known how emotionally pained he is before moving things to a sexual level, huh? But we all know what they say about hindsight...

    Sex with friends is fraught with hidden pitfalls!

    Given what a rough road he is walking to begin with, I'd encourage you to be careful not to make him feel any more of the outcast than he already does. I suspect he has enough self-loathing to last a lifetime anyway.

    Having said that, though, I totally understand that you can't indulge in nonstop sex talk about your buddies with him. After offering plenty of support to him and assuring him that you want to be there for him and that you will always keep the talks just between you both, perhaps you can tell him, in no uncertain terms, that you just are not comfortable talking about your buddies in a sexual manner. Tell him that you're certainly open-minded about it, but that talking about having sex with your friends is like talking to someone about him having sex with your little sister. Maybe he can see that comparison.

    It will be a precarious balance to let him know that your curiosity about men is quite different from his own attraction without making him feel like his own feelings are "wrong" or that you are choosing not to accept him. But I think it will be worth the effort to try to preserve his self-esteem while protecting your own comfort and emotional well-being.

    I would suggest that you consider whether your discomfort in the situation stems from a fear that you'll end up being associated (in the eyes of your friends) with Lonely Guy, romantically or otherwise. That maybe his homosexuality makes you uncomfortable by association in spite of your own intentions? I'm not pointing the finger here at all, mind you. :) It's clear that you're a generous and empathetic guy for listening to a buddy in need. Just wondering if you are fully tuned in to the reasons behind your discomfort. Maybe you're afraid of what the group of friends will assume?

    Two quotes:


    and

    <!--QuoteBegin-Pene_Negro_Grande
    @Jul 5 2005, 01:23 PM
    I told him that I am more attracted to women in an emotional way and having sex w/them than men...[/quote]
    As for his attraction to your best friend, maybe you can tell Lonely Guy that you know that he is trying to strike up a friendship with Best Bud and that you think that&#39;s great BUT that if he makes a move on Best Bud, he&#39;s in for a world of hurt. Might save everyone some pain and awkwardness later on.

    As for Best Bud, if the topic of Lonely Guy comes up again, remind him that Lonely Guy is dealing with some personal issues right now and that you had promised to keep his issues between you two. Best Bud will respect and honor that, I&#39;m sure.

    PNG, I don&#39;t envy your having to deal with this situation, but given the insightful and positive nature of your posts, you certainly have the skills and heart to do so.

    I have every confidence that you can handle this successfully&#33;
     
  7. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    Before I say anything, I think the posts you make here are so thought provoking.

    Anyways,
    Were you a little tipsy that night that you were originally with him? From my stand point, the liquor seemed to be motivating that whole initial situation. Perhaps his inhibitions were lowered, and felt he could express more to you then he normally would. Perhaps you played into this being that you were tipsy and popped the tape in, hoping that it would make him feel better.
    I would make it clear to him that you both were a little drunk that night, and that the whole situation was just a bad mistake. Even if it wasn’t the liquor, I would still blame it on the liquor. Tell him you got caught up in the moment ( and the liquor) and that your interest in guys is just passing notion and not a deep rooted desire.

    He sounds like he has a lot of issues he needs to sort out (sexuality wise), I get the impression that he thinks your in the same boat he&#39;s in and perhaps he thinks you understand what he&#39;s going through. Perhaps now is a good time to tell him that your feelings regarding men and his feelings regarding men are totally different. Perhaps you can reassure him that your there for him, but that your sexual interests in men are very different from his.


    I hate making assumptions about things when I wasn’t even there.....lemme know if I&#39;m way off base with this......
    [post=326961]Quoted post[/post]​
    [/b][/quote]

    Surprisingly as confused as I sounded in my post - you are right on point in my opinion...I should talk to him but it kind of weirds me out to have that type of conversation w/a guy...Plus I feel bad for the guy because he won&#39;t even tell his sisters who he is very close w/and one is his roommate because they only think of him as straight and I feel he is lonely and it is kind of depressing him since he lost his job too...My problem is I am the friend that always tries to help when no one else will...
     
  8. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    As for his attraction to your best friend, maybe you can tell Lonely Guy that you know that he is trying to strike up a friendship with Best Bud and that you think that&#39;s great BUT that if he makes a move on Best Bud, he&#39;s in for a world of hurt. Might save everyone some pain and awkwardness later on.

    As for Best Bud, if the topic of Lonely Guy comes up again, remind him that Lonely Guy is dealing with some personal issues right now and that you had promised to keep his issues between you two. Best Bud will respect and honor that, I&#39;m sure.

    PNG, I don&#39;t envy your having to deal with this situation, but given the insightful and positive nature of your posts, you certainly have the skills and heart to do so.

    I have every confidence that you can handle this successfully&#33;
    [post=326970]Quoted post[/post]​
    [/b][/quote]

    Dude you also hit the nail on the head too...Only thing is that I am not really worried about someone thinking I am homosexual or being associate w/him...I am at a point in my life where I have some great friends who truly care about me and a couple have even asked me that before...I don&#39;t even know why I am really as concerned as I am...It has always been my nature to be compassionate and understanding of others and TRY not to judge anyone (which has got me in trouble some times)...Yeah and I did tell Best Bud immediately when he told me that Lonely Guy kept calling him that he was having some emotional issues and to invite him to lunch...My best bud is only caring to a small number of people and can very cruel and overly honest to others (especially if he gets drunk)...He is like a straight (Brian Kinney) from that show Queer as Folk if you know what I mean (LOL)...
     
  9. Alley Blue

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    Surprisingly as confused as I sounded in my post - you are right on point in my opinion...I should talk to him but it kind of weirds me out to have that type of conversation w/a guy...Plus I feel bad for the guy because he won&#39;t even tell his sisters who he is very close w/and one is his roommate because they only think of him as straight and I feel he is lonely and it is kind of depressing him since he lost his job too...My problem is I am the friend that always tries to help when no one else will...
    [post=326972]Quoted post[/post]​
    [/b][/quote]

    Maybe you could allude to the whole incident without having to bring up all the details. Before confronting him about that whole incident ( I don&#39;t really mean confront, but bring it up nonchalantly), perhaps you could mention how much you cherish the friendship and him ( phrasing it like this will reaffirm that you care for him) yet your attraction to men is not nearly as deep as it is for women, and your simply, *slowly* exploring your sexuality.
    If you put it this way, he can see that its not about him and more about you and your sexuality. You may want to reaffirm the importance or your friendship again at the end of the conversation

    If he&#39;s a true, worthwhile friend he&#39;ll understand all this and not take it personally.
     
  10. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    True...I feel bad though because he is extremely needy and have a lot going on myself and don&#39;t think I have the energy to handle all his emotional stuff...I am going to see how the week goes and maybe talk to him if he continues this weekend...Thanks for the great advice though...
     
  11. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    Okay this is the first day since the past Friday that Lonely guy has not called me...Maybe he got the hint...
     
  12. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    Just wanted to update on this guy...Don&#39;t know what to do because I have tried to hang out with guys since he thinks no one likes him...I am very selective as to when I invite him because most of my friends do not like after meeting him...They call him ANNOYING GUY...He just does not know when to shut up and he one of those people who interupts all the time and try to out talk you...And the guy a nice guy and really doesn&#39;t mean to annoy people - he just does...After inviting him - several of my friends and have said he has said some crazy things to them and they kind of went off on him and they said he always tell them - please don&#39;t tell me (I guess he thinks that I will not like him anymore since he pissed off my friend)...I have never told him I know about these incidents...I have tried to talk to him but he gets over sensitive about it and I have to assure that I am still his friend...He just tries too hard to socialize and interact with my core group of friends...It is kind of embarrassing when I invite him out with my friends because he somewhat idolizes me because I have so many friends and he says everyone loves me (he does this kind of idolizing in front of my friends)...It is quite embarrassing and I almost want to tell my friends because they think he is weird and strange - he has recently kind of came out to me and I think he somewhat likes me...I really do not like him in that way at all - I just feel sorry for him...I don&#39;t know what to do for him because he definitely seems to have some issues he needs professional help for...He invited me to go out of the country with him on holiday next week...I am to the point that I want to tell him that just because I told you in the past that I have hooked up with a guy, doesn&#39;t mean I currently want to do that...I know it will crush him but I want to tell that he is way more into guys than I am...I was recently at a party with a female that I was interested in and he comes up and starts telling her that I am such a great guy and such a great friend and how good I look and how much of a great catch I would be...Compliments can be cool but it was starting to make me feel uncomfortable...
     
  13. Alley Blue

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    If you were the same person, but really over weight, ugly and had fewer friends, do you think he would still want to be your friend? What would you say if his response was "no"?

    This is probably the biggest problem for me in relationships. Most people would say "no".

    There&#39;s a fine line for liking me for who I am rather then for the way I happen to look.

    Its kind for another person to say they like me for the way I look, but to base a meaningful friendship out of my looks is ridiculous and a waste of time.

    PS

    Do your friends ask what you see in him?
     
  14. Dr Rock

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    who lives in the east &#039;neath the willow tree? Sex
    wouldn&#39;t this have been more pertinent in the metrosexual thread? :eyes:
     
  15. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    Hmm - actually I know he would still be friends with me if I was over weight but he probably wouldn&#39;t be attracted to me though (if you know what I mean)...I don&#39;t think he means wrong and I feel sorry for him...Some of my friends just say - don&#39;t invite the annoying guy out...But what can I do, I can&#39;t be cruel to anyone...My friends tell me I am way to nice to people but that is what they love about me...
     
  16. Alley Blue

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    Hmm - actually I know he would still be friends with me if I was over weight but he probably wouldn&#39;t be attracted to me though (if you know what I mean)...I don&#39;t think he means wrong and I feel sorry for him...Some of my friends just say - don&#39;t invite the annoying guy out...But what can I do, I can&#39;t be cruel to anyone...My friends tell me I am way to nice to people but that is what they love about me...
    [post=332867]Quoted post[/post]​
    [/b][/quote]

    Do you feel the friendship benifits the both of you or just him?

    Its a two way street. Letting someone to take your energy and time only because you feel "sorry for him" is not good for you........though it is very kind of you.
     
  17. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    Got to think about that...He does offer to help me all the time with everything but I do not need help when he asks...The guy really tries to be a nice guy so that is why I can&#39;t really be mad at him...He is just a little confused and having problems with social interaction with people...And most of my friends are pretty attractive and successful so I think that intimidates him because he has some set backs on his career...
     
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