A "friend" thinks it's funny...

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by coolby, Nov 11, 2010.

  1. coolby

    coolby New Member

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    to out me. I've recently been coming as out as bi. I tried to avoid telling him(because I knew he would be a douche and hang it over my head), but someone slipped it to him. Lately, he's been telling people without my permission.

    He will ask me if I'm bisexual in front of others. I don't want to lie but if I do, he's just gonna tell anyway, so I get it over with. Throughout this process, he laughs and grins and I get bothered with that.

    When I ask him why he's doing this, he says,

    "But dude, you told me."

    and one time,

    "I'm trying to accept you."

    This has got to be the most bizarre logic I've ever heard. Just because someone tells you something, does that give you the right to tell everyone and their mother? And the second one just makes no sense whatsoever to me.

    I think I know why he's doing this though: He's admitted he likes to mess with me. I just don't think he understands how serious this is and how mean that is. I just really want him to stop and I want to know how I would do that.
     
  2. helgaleena

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    Glad you put the word friend in quotation marks. This is not being friendly whatsoever. It's passive-aggressive at best and outright sadistic at worst. Keep telling him to stop and drop him as swiftly as you can; tell anyone who hears it from him he violated your privacy but do not deny it.

    Blabbermouths need quite a few redeeming qualities to remain friends with a person and it sounds like he hasn't got many.
     
  3. NumberTwentySix

    NumberTwentySix New Member

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    Has he confided some serious yet embarrassing thing to you that you could threaten to spill if he doesn't cut it out?
     
  4. Charles Finn

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    yes ditch him as a friend
    making fun of you is not what true friends do
     
  5. RedScrotum

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    "Yes, ever since you sucked my dick, I'm now bi"
     
  6. helgaleena

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    :rofl:
     
  7. petite

    petite New Member

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    I think an appropriate response would be to spill something that is true that he doesn't want other people to know when he does it to you, immediately after he does it, with a good hard look when you do it. Some people will push until you push back, then they back down.

    I have a friend that sounds like yours, and I don't know if it's the same situation or not. For some reason, once you push back, he becomes a pussy cat and he abides by your boundaries and he really is a good friend and he doesn't cross them again, but he doesn't get subtle hints or read embarrassment well at all and he doesn't understand when he goes too far unless you confront him. It's like he's just begging to be put in his place, and he's grateful after you do. I don't get it, and I've only had to do it once, and I've seen the exact same dynamic happen with him and other people over and over again. I think it's a kind of inability to read social cues or read people, but at heart he's really a good guy and a loyal friend, just a dunce about his "sense of humor" sometimes.

    Your friend may be different than mine, I don't know. Maybe your friend really is just an asshole, and maybe he's not a friend at all. I've only ever met one person who is like that, but I've known him now for over a decade, and that's just how he is.
     
  8. mandoman

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    I also would dump him as a friend fast. He sounds like a self-centered solipsist.
    Bad news. Humor at your expense is sadistic, or at least extremely thoughtless.
    When it's about your sexuality, he's aiming for the nuts.
     
  9. coolby

    coolby New Member

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    I don't have things like about him. Even so, I wouldn't use it maliciously.

    (addressed at everyone) Ugh, he's just so difficult. It's a cycle. When he's my "friend", he acts up and I don't want to have any part of it anymore. Then when we're not friends, he wants to be cooperative and we become friends again. I'll then reveal things and he starts hanging it over my head. I mean, it's just a continuous cycle. I've had to "disfriend ( or whatever lol)" him twice before and I was stupid to believe that after 9 years of knowing him and 6 of us being friends that I could confide when he has been a douche to me and thinks it's funny on top of it.
     
  10. mandoman

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    It is funny. It is funny to him. He knows it pisses you off. He still thinks it's funny, enough to do over and over.
    He knows the consequences, because you've defriended him twice, and still thinks it's worth it.
    This is a one sided friendship. You are being taken advantage of, in a really cruel way. You are pretty obviously a damn decent guy. You deserve better friends.
     
  11. Rob_81

    Rob_81 New Member

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    That's when you just smash his face in.
     
  12. Bbucko

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    Life is too short to have assholes like this around: seriously.
     
  13. curioustitan

    curioustitan Member

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    I had a friend very similar to this a few years back, who did similar things to what you're describing. We also 'broke up' and 'made up' many times before i realised that things weren't going to change. If breaking off a worthwhile friendship isn't deterring your 'friend' or showing him the error of his ways, then maybe it's time to call it a day.
    In retrospect, i do miss my ex-friend and have moments of nostalgia for the good times, but they were just too few and far between to warrant the kind of abuse that was being dished out. You deserve better than this!
     
  14. petite

    petite New Member

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    He's already crossed the line with you that many times? Yeah, he's not learning what your boundaries are. Drop him for good this time.
     
  15. NumberTwentySix

    NumberTwentySix New Member

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    Agreed, if this is part of a pattern, ditch the guy.
     
  16. HiddenLacey

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    Classic! :tongue:

    Seriously, that guy is not being your friend. He's being an ass. If you've already told him that it bothers you and he continues to do it why continue to associate with him?

    On another note, I wonder if he secretly likes you? Some people react in strange ways to things they don't know how to handle.
     
  17. southernstud

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    I could see that being the case. I think that some people are programmed to lash out against self-identifying truths that they are not strong enough to admin. Given that the OP came out as bi to a 'trusted friend' and the 'friend' is lashing out by telling everyone, he could be gauging society's reactions to being 'bi' while feeling out the interest of the OP.

    However, I wouldn't consider the guy a 'friend' in the least. I hold a similar view towards those who do 'gay bashing' or are 'homophobic.' The behavior, in my opinion, is not an explicit disagreement with the act, but rather an attempt to deny some internal identification with the act.

    If it helps the OP, you told him you were bi...bi-g deal, so he's telling people, it's no different than bullying by calling someone gay. Unless he has hard evidence to back it up, and if you two run in the same circles, pass it off as 'man, i don't know why he's on this kick of me being bi...you don't think he's interested in me do you?' just to pin him as a douche with the rest of the group while planting the seed he is actively looking. The other alternative, if you feel obligated to remain 'friends' with this guy, is to take a deep breath, and out yourself. If you're there when he outs you, just remind him that "racism and homophobia are the exact same thing. Sexuality is part of self, it's the you of you and the me of me." and that "any kind of love is fine, it's your hate you have to watch." If anything, he's trying to attack your sexuality and turn it into a humor point, and you need to make it clear that this is who you are, and anyone who cannot accept that fact does not deserve to have you as a friend. Friends should have an unconditional love, of sorts. You should want to be loved and respected for who you are, not who people 'think' you are.
     
  18. AlteredEgo

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    ^ Winner!
     
  19. arthur

    arthur New Member

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    ...he's a cunt... next!!
     
  20. canuck_pa

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    This prick is no friend. Dump him.
     
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