A friendship going awry

Keleios

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The only thing I would add is that I think Mademoiselle Rouge should use this opportunity to tell her friend that it bothers her that her friend isn't more interested in her family life, and subjects like her friend's boyfriend and talking about the future with one another should also be a part of their friendship, if their friendship is to grow and last for years and years.

H'mm. Maybe, maybe not.
You can't force someone to share your interests. It may bother Mademoiselle Rouge that her friend doesn't find those topics interesting but it's not her friend's fault.
They have different relationships and different lifestyles, if conversation is concentrated on the parts that overlap then there's not a worry that someone is feeling left out or made uncomfortable.
By all means the subject can be broached and shouldn't be deliberately avoided as certain things are bound to come up in the every day details but then it also shouldn't be forced either or it's going to become a much bigger point of contention.
If they're never going to be super best friends that tell each other everything and spend a lot of time together, there's not a need for the kind of closeness where you can talk freely about absolutely anything and everything.

I think most people have friends that fit with different aspects of their lives, I've got work friends, internet friends, old school friends, a truly best friend and some casual people who drift in and out of my life to say hello now and again. I know my work friends would feign polite interest but eventually, they'd end up staring at me blankly and change topic if I started blathering about computer components and video games. Same goes for my internet friends if I were to talk to them about Key Stage 3 lesson planning and behavioral management.

Cinderella-ish but in this case, I'd say probably better to leave things and try not to put feet in a shoe that doesn't fit.
 

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I was thinking of all of this while i was at work today. I realize this gal is really intelligent but also plays stupid intentionally a lot of the time. She does this in order to not seem guilty for doing things or not doing things. I've also recalled hearing her complain about a few of her "friends" not really paying much attention to her anymore.

If you were to listen to her words, she sounds so sincere, if you were to see what she does on the other hand, she is quite childish. I can't relate to this at all. I have a lot of responsibility in my life and i just don't have time to spend with her the way she would like me to.

Some of the "off the wall" stuff she has said or done:

Invites her elderly mom skating (she flew in from across the country) and her mom felt a little apprensive and didn't want to hurt herself. Well, she ended up ignoring her mom and her mom fell and ultimately broke her wrist. She went on and on about how horrible she felt for her mom, but we all told her it probably wasnt a good idea to have her skate.

Saturday she called me on my birthday (she didnt realize it was my birthday, and thats fine) and she said "You want me to drive down to see you today?" (its several hours away and starting to turn dark outside) and before i could say she didnt have to she says "It's getting pretty late though i wouldnt get back until really really late....." which was a way for her to look good for suggesting it but not really intending to do it.

In the same phone call she said "I feel really bad that i didn't buy you anything for your birthday" and before i could say don't worry about that, money is tight for us both, she interrupted and said "But i really don't have the money, but i'll go shopping for you tomorrow"

And if her boyfriend needs to talk to her about their relationship problems, she will take off his shoes and lay her head on his legs and grovel to try to get him to see shes just a sweet sweet thing that would get very emotional if he said something to her she didn't want to hear.

She was jobless for a while but spent so much of her unemployment check on garbage and would have me being a free ride for her to skate, even if it was a couple dozen miles out of my way to do it. She would offer me a few dollars but knowing she was literally broke, i just couldn't take it. I was the stupid person for getting that shit started a long time ago.

She says she feels guilt about all sorts of things she had nothing to do with, but i think its a cover up to look empathetic because she realizes she is a bit selfish and childish that she overcompensates for that by being overly apologetic. This is a person who has a degree in psychology, i think she is a pro at getting those around her to delay conversations almost indefinitely that she doesnt want to hear.

This person is a 5 year old in a 31 year old's body. This isnt a person i want to spend loads of time with. I will do what i can to deflect things and not waste time going out of my way for her. I am not myself around her because it takes a lot of restraint to not want to strangle her most of the time.
 

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What the hell do i do? I am not good at breaking up friendships. I hate the idea of the drama i will deal with from that point when i see them. I really refrain from starting relationships because I am a home body and actually enjoy time with my immediate family. I have all these missed calls and messages from her and i am getting pissed off.

Sounds like the friendship has been over for a while.
You are just uncomfortable at telling her that there are problems with how you two are interacting.
So she takes advantage of it.

She likes to get her way.

You can be polite but firm.
If she is a five year old in a 31 year old's body - treat her like a five year old. Don't let her call the shots.
You can be available on your terms - not hers.
She will lose interest when she doesn't get her way.

And be busy a lot.
 

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What the hell do i do? I am not good at breaking up friendships. I hate the idea of the drama i will deal with from that point when i see them. I really refrain from starting relationships because I am a home body and actually enjoy time with my immediate family. I have all these missed calls and messages from her and i am getting pissed off.

Well, let her know that you are compromised right now and that you will let her know when you will be available for meeting again. Give an appropriate time...like a month. Let her know that you are still recovering from your surgery...you have a family that has needs. She should understand that.


 

Keleios

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Mademoiselle Rouge, on reading your last post... The things that you don't like about her or are critical of are piling up massively.
Even if you gained distance and kept the friendship casual, are you not likely to run into all the things that annoy you again, once time has passed?
What kind of a friendship would it be if you find yourself questioning her motives and constantly analysing her behaviour for signs of disingenuity?

It really comes across that you dislike large portions of her personality and her character so if she's that bad; woman up, tell her you've had enough and don't associate with her anymore. And if you do decide to continue to keep her as a casual acquaintance, accept her for who she is with all the perceived faults but bear double jeopardy in mind.
 

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Kelieos, i've never brought up anything about a friend in my personal life in the 3 years i've been here. This is the first time because it has gotten to the point where i have no one else to talk to to get advice.

A friendship is a two way street, it is no longer a friendship when you are the one doing everything for them. Being the only one that listens, gives advice, shares anything about your personal life. Much of my first post is building up why she might be this way, being an only child to much older parents, not relating well to people outside of that age group, etc. Those weren't critical remarks, they were simply a backdrop for how this person has been raised or chooses to live at this point as an adult.

How she gets when you talk to her like a normal person would talk...For example, she will say "yeah, i'd like to have kids someday" and i would come back with "So, do you see yourself having kids with Henry, or does Henry want to have kids?" and she gets this funny look on her face and says "Why? Why are you asking me that?! Do you know something i dont about Henry?" and if i say something back such as "Well, no. I just know he is 60 years old and has been married 6 times and is going through a divorce now...." then her response is "You know....I dont even want to talk about this. I dont know why you are hounding me about Henry"

I call this normal conversation between women, we talk to each other like this. So how do you feel about that? How does he feel about that? If you are going to be talking to me about your life, it would be strange that i wouldnt care about anything you are saying.

If anything, her paranoia about her own life and where it is going causes this nervous, anxious behavior of pulling one or two people around her to be her everything.

She's never even been to my house nor even has my address to find it if she wanted to. She has seen my husband 1 time. It really makes no sense that someone would want someone like me to be her everything. I'm not able to share my life with her, so really, i've gotten myself in over my head by being way too good of a listener and she's gotten quite fond of it.

This is a one sided relationship. Maybe she could pair better with someone who is more emotionally her own age. I felt like i was 30 at 18, so now that i am 30 i feel 60. She relates on a great level with people who are elderly, so while i am only 30, i am an old soul and it brings her comfort. Sadly, for me its like having another child.

Being childish, immature or selfish are not what i would call character issues. I wouldn't say that I think one bad thing about her character. Character issues to be would be lying, cheating, stealing, abusing, etc.

My background is psychology also, so i probably talk to someone moreso like that when they come to me with issues. She is not wanting to reflect on her life, where it is going and how she is going to get there. She is the type who doesn't plan what she is going to do when her car no longer works, she will just hitch a ride until she can get in huge amounts of debt for another car. I am not that type of person, so if she is going to complain about not having money to fix her car, but she gets a new $1,500 mattress so she can put it on the floor to sleep, i just have no idea how i can talk to her to make her happy with me all the time.

When she gets angry at me off and on for not being there when she calls, texts or to come see her....it means a lot more to have a friend angry at me than it does for her to throw little fits all the time.
 
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Keleios

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Kelieos, i've never brought up anything about a friend in my personal life in the 3 years i've been here. This is the first time because it has gotten to the point where i have no one else to talk to to get advice.

A friendship is a two way street, it is no longer a friendship when you are the one doing everything for them. Being the only one that listens, gives advice, shares anything about your personal life. Much of my first post is building up why she might be this way, being an only child to much older parents, not relating well to people outside of that age group, etc. Those weren't critical remarks, they were simply a backdrop for how this person has been raised or chooses to live at this point as an adult.

How she gets when you talk to her like a normal person would talk...For example, she will say "yeah, i'd like to have kids someday" and i would come back with "So, do you see yourself having kids with Henry, or does Henry want to have kids?" and she gets this funny look on her face and says "Why? Why are you asking me that?! Do you know something i dont about Henry?" and if i say something back such as "Well, no. I just know he is 60 years old and has been married 6 times and is going through a divorce now...." then her response is "You know....I dont even want to talk about this. I dont know why you are hounding me about Henry"

I call this normal conversation between women, we talk to each other like this. So how do you feel about that? How does he feel about that? If you are going to be talking to me about your life, it would be strange that i wouldnt care about anything you are saying.

If anything, her paranoia about her own life and where it is going causes this nervous, anxious behavior of pulling one or two people around her to be her everything.

She's never even been to my house nor even has my address to find it if she wanted to. She has seen my husband 1 time. It really makes no sense that someone would want someone like me to be her everything. I'm not able to share my life with her, so really, i've gotten myself in over my head by being way too good of a listener and she's gotten quite fond of it.

This is a one sided relationship. Maybe she could pair better with someone who is more emotionally her own age. I felt like i was 30 at 18, so now that i am 30 i feel 60. She relates on a great level with people who are elderly, so while i am only 30, i am an old soul and it brings her comfort. Sadly, for me its like having another child.

Being childish, immature or selfish are not what i would call character issues. I wouldn't say that I think one bad thing about her character. Character issues to be would be lying, cheating, stealing, abusing, etc.

My background is psychology also, so i probably talk to someone moreso like that when they come to me with issues. She is not wanting to reflect on her life, where it is going and how she is going to get there. She is the type who doesn't plan what she is going to do when her car no longer works, she will just hitch a ride until she can get in huge amounts of debt for another car. I am not that type of person, so if she is going to complain about not having money to fix her car, but she gets a new $1,500 mattress so she can put it on the floor to sleep, i just have no idea how i can talk to her to make her happy with me all the time.

When she gets angry at me off and on for not being there when she calls, texts or to come see her....it means a lot more to have a friend angry at me than it does for her to throw little fits all the time.

I'm just pointing out that each time you post about your friend, with one exception, you're noting awful lot of things that you don't like about her.
So far, the list of bad far outweighs the list of good.
Definitely agree that friendship needs to be a two way street so if it isn't and that's not likely to change, it's not a friendship anymore it's a burden.

Anyways, I don't think I can contribute anything that would be more use than what's been said previously so wish you all the best with her : )
 

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I'm just pointing out that each time you post about your friend, with one exception, you're noting awful lot of things that you don't like about her.
So far, the list of bad far outweighs the list of good.
Definitely agree that friendship needs to be a two way street so if it isn't and that's not likely to change, it's not a friendship anymore it's a burden.

Anyways, I don't think I can contribute anything that would be more use than what's been said previously so wish you all the best with her : )

I have very little patience with people who are extremely immature. At first, we just skated together and spoke very little because we were moving around in a loud environment. I had no idea that taking her home from skating one time would lead to the obligations to drive her everywhere, or if i couldnt meet up she would keep trying to find a way to make it happen regardless. When you asked me good things about her, i really couldn't come up with very much. It's one of the few times i couldn't with someone.

Her good side is probably shown when she isn't feeling so alone. Otherwise, you end up being one leg on a three legged chair. It's exhausting. I vented probably more than i should have, i try not to say these things to anyone but my husband. I needed a second opinion. As one or two examples would have seemed very pathetic and minor, but when they are all combined, one can lose their mind having to maintain that sort of relationship.

I am a person who doesn't like to let people get close to me in real life because my stability and black/white thinking tends to attract those who need it so much. I've never been friends with someone who started out this way and it just got better. I don't mind being someones therapist, if they dont require me to drive them everywhere and sleep over to their house 3 hours away every weekend. None of my other friends act this way and it's foreign for me.

Sometimes i am just too tolerant of stuff before it gets out of control. I had a chance to write how i felt here, reread it and know why i am feeling this way. In real life, i dont handle chaos and actively making the choice to not do anything about your problems. I posted here to get some advice, all different viewpoints so i could do something about it. I really don't like myself when i see i'm in over my head in a relationship that seems more like charity than a friendship. The frog slowly gets tempered and the next thing you know you are providing for them in many ways they should and could be providing for themselves.

I can only listen for so long before i am going to be asking more questions to get an idea where you are coming from and what the whole story is, otherwise i can't objectively look at it. I don't think i've ever had someone get so stern with me when i did this casually, i felt like i was 5 years old when she got on to me for even asking about the situation she felt so compelled to tell me about. She just wants to talk, give only her side of the story and hope you just nod and smile. I'm not that kind of person, if i let you into my life. And i expect that same kind of honesty. I have no problems taking the approach that i give to others.

I just can't be bothered with this sort of immaturity. There is no changing this in her but im going to be nice, be busy and not be rude when i see her. She's going to have to get the point. Sometimes we've gotten as far as me thinking she was getting the point when i couldnt meet up with her, instead she gets pouty. I have no patience for that, especially in adults. It's her way but its not my way and all of it adds up to the stress of toating a 3 year old with a good vocabulary around.

In fact, it's the reason i only had one child to begin with. I don't want to be surrounded by children, adult or otherwise. I love my 8 year old but we actually can carry on a dialogue.
 
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ConstantComment

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I downshift people when they become too much trouble. My experience is that the Brits get the message pretty quickly and go away. The Americans demand an answer or an explanation and invetiably, they don't see what they've done wrong.....even if they've made one too many backhanded comments about you; stood you up, just once and so on.

The "open, honest" dialogue has never worked for me. The listener pretends not to understand, calls me overly sensistive or selfis or both. And worse, goes on to use this information against me.......ie, the information will always be dredged up to show how demanding you are.

Who else is this woman in touch with? Once she realises that she's been down shifted, what's the worse that you think can happen?
 

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I downshift people when they become too much trouble. My experience is that the Brits get the message pretty quickly and go away. The Americans demand an answer or an explanation and invetiably, they don't see what they've done wrong.....even if they've made one too many backhanded comments about you; stood you up, just once and so on.

The "open, honest" dialogue has never worked for me. The listener pretends not to understand, calls me overly sensistive or selfis or both. And worse, goes on to use this information against me.......ie, the information will always be dredged up to show how demanding you are.

Who else is this woman in touch with? Once she realises that she's been down shifted, what's the worse that you think can happen?

ugh, that just made too much sense for me. If she can't take me talking to her if she doesnt want to hear it, i seriously fear she would just plug her ears and start going "lalalalalala i can't hear you"

Like one guy said earlier, she is excellent at controlling where the conversation goes. And if these little tiny parts of life are making her that upset to where she feels like she should retreat from them and pretend everything is ok, she really loves to pretend its ok. If she gives you the silent treatment, you can't even talk about what made her upset. She isnt going to mention it up, you must start talking about cherry pie or something that she wants to talk about.

Generally the more she gets upset, you can see the frustration she goes through just trying to make you talk about something else. It's like multiple personalities if you had to read it in text because it's confusing to see how you could go from "So how are you and Henry doing since you moved away?" "Well, uhm, its, well, did you see that cool tree we just drove past?"
 

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Maybe I missed it, but I don't see where you have attempted downshifting procedures. From what you have decribed, I can see where you might feel exhausted by your interaction with her. I just downshifted someone like that this year, bossy, constantly wanting to ram advice down your throat.

OTOH, even among people that I call friends I don't talk about everything. I have been underemployed for a while. My friends know this. They don't ask so much how the job search is going but are positive when I mention some poistive uptick. I can' really imagine their wanting to hear all about it. Particularly those who seamlessly walk from one job to the next.

I respect others' no go areas for the most part. One exception I can think of is if they have a little too strong of an interest in the area for me. For example, someone who constantly asks about my husband (back when I was married) but rarely shared things with me about their husband/bf/dating life. The pattern I saw of course was that those were exactly the women friends who got chummy with my husband while leaving me in the dust.

But ok, enough about me (in fact I have my own ex friend thread I'll be putting up in a few minutes),

One other way to get rid of her is to try think of something to do to her that is subtle but at the same time so obviously insulting and offensive, it just makes her walk away. Perhaps when you see her, you could make her repeat everything several times as if you have trouble hearing her. Maybe there are some othe techniques.

My experience is that no matter how many good, rational reasons you might have to walk away from a relationship, it only really happens when one defining moment occurs which drains out any hope, goodwill or even guilt that you might feel about the relationship.
 

Keleios

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I just can't be bothered with this sort of immaturity. There is no changing this in her but im going to be nice, be busy and not be rude when i see her. She's going to have to get the point. Sometimes we've gotten as far as me thinking she was getting the point when i couldnt meet up with her, instead she gets pouty. I have no patience for that, especially in adults. It's her way but its not my way and all of it adds up to the stress of toating a 3 year old with a good vocabulary around.

Crikey, you're doing it again! I know you really want to be nice and you've worked out all the psychological causes of her behaviour but in the paragraph I've quoted above, think about what you're saying.

Specifically:
I just can't be bothered with this sort of immaturity. There is no changing this in her but im going to be nice, be busy and not be rude when i see her. She's going to have to get the point.

Versus:
Sometimes we've gotten as far as me thinking she was getting the point when i couldnt meet up with her, instead she gets pouty. I have no patience for that especially in adults.

You do have patience, too much of it and that's why you're in this situation.
If you've never properly called her out for her behaviour up to this point then you've been tolerating and accepting it whilst bottling up the annoyance until it's burst forth here in the fashion of a "not scientist" adding a Mento to a bottle of Coke.
You don't need to justify yourself or give more examples of her behaviour, there's plenty to go on and it would seem that although you're this frustrated with the situation, you would still rather be nice and polite with a bit of distance in the hope that she'll be hit with a blinding ray of self-illumination as to how annoying she is instead of actually telling her "You're bloody annoying. Grow up."

I don't see any point in employing subtle methods to make her go away because subtlety hasn't worked so far, being polite hasn't worked and being nice hasn't worked either.
Which leaves you with:
Telling her exactly and honestly how you feel - Fuck being polite.
Cutting off all contact - She doesn't have your address, block her number. Hey presto.
Continuing as you have been - Don't see this working out well.

If she is genuinely oblivious as to how her behaviour affects you, she's not going to change it and she probably isn't going to get any point or message or hint unless you write it on a soft-ish rock and hit her in the eyes with it repeatedly.

Action is required to effect a change in this situation so if you want to make a significant change and not just a little one that may not work, to arms and take action!
 

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Keleios, are you trying to change how i feel because you dont like it? You are no less controlling than she is and im going to put you on ignore from this point on. You keep trying to put words in my mouth, you don't even know this person and you don't know me. I am not here trying to be nice, that is not why i am here in this thread at all. I didn't ask what was the nicest possible way to befriend someone, there is no nice way to do this.

STOP making others feel obligated to feel about their friends the way you "think" you'd feel about them if they were your friends. You keep giving me advice to talk to her about all these things and you aren't getting the fact that childish, immature, selfish people are IMPOSSIBLE to talk to. They get angrier and act more childish and immature because they have no skills to deal with that which they don't like.

Do you have children? Have you ever argued with a child and see what methods they resort to when they are upset? Have you ever been the reason they are upset? These people don't go back and think about their part and feel guilty about it later. You are living on another planet.

Maybe i should refer her to to, since you seem to know just how one should be friends with her. She's baggage, has nothing else better to do, wants me to make her life fun. Did you not read anything else in my thread? Instead, you pick out a few facts about what im saying and get all pissy im not being "nice" about it when i am typing it on LPSG.

Fuck all that. I'm tired of the NICE POLICE trying to tell everyone how they should feel and should talk. So far, you are the only one in this thread who feels the way you do, that tells me a lot about how out of touch you are with this type of situation.

You aren't going to repremand me anymore on how i happened to explain what i see going on in my own life. I dont have to check it with the HAPPY THESAURUS before hitting "submit reply"

I am who i am, i decribe things how i see them, i don't candy coat them for people who are demanding shit out of me. I have a feeling you are probably more like this friend of mine and instead of feeling guilty how you want to control all of those around you- you are getting all bent out of shape about someone who is fed up with that short of shit.

I never said i was going to tell her to fuck off or stop being annoying. I dont even talk that way to my kid, let alone an adult-child. Where are you getting these ideas? Look up the word OBLIVIOUS when you truly undersand what that word means, it is pointless to talk to a person who is OBLIVIOUS and likes to be that way.

I worry about your maturity level with the lack of comprehension about how some people can't be talked to in a reasonable manner. You just can't, they dont want to hear it so they will CHANGE THE SUBJECT- over and over and over again. She'd probably get out of my car at a stop sign and say something like "I just can't be in the same car with you if you are going to talk about this any longer!"

Crikey, you're doing it again! I know you really want to be nice and you've worked out all the psychological causes of her behaviour but in the paragraph I've quoted above, think about what you're saying.

Specifically:

Versus:

You do have patience, too much of it and that's why you're in this situation.
If you've never properly called her out for her behaviour up to this point then you've been tolerating and accepting it whilst bottling up the annoyance until it's burst forth here in the fashion of a "not scientist" adding a Mento to a bottle of Coke.
You don't need to justify yourself or give more examples of her behaviour, there's plenty to go on and it would seem that although you're this frustrated with the situation, you would still rather be nice and polite with a bit of distance in the hope that she'll be hit with a blinding ray of self-illumination as to how annoying she is instead of actually telling her "You're bloody annoying. Grow up."

I don't see any point in employing subtle methods to make her go away because subtlety hasn't worked so far, being polite hasn't worked and being nice hasn't worked either.
Which leaves you with:
Telling her exactly and honestly how you feel - Fuck being polite.
Cutting off all contact - She doesn't have your address, block her number. Hey presto.
Continuing as you have been - Don't see this working out well.

If she is genuinely oblivious as to how her behaviour affects you, she's not going to change it and she probably isn't going to get any point or message or hint unless you write it on a soft-ish rock and hit her in the eyes with it repeatedly.

Action is required to effect a change in this situation so if you want to make a significant change and not just a little one that may not work, to arms and take action!
 
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sbat

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Whoa whoa, what's the deal MR? You've come on asking for advice - she's given some reasonable advice. Feel free to take it or leave it.

Sound like you're getting a little mad about not hearing what you wanted to hear. Were you looking more for sympathy?
 
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better yet, for the advice givers that say, talk to her like a friend would talk to a friend. Read the following scenario, as it is something that has happened between us. Tell me how YOU would handle it from there. If you could give advice based on the type of person i am dealing with, not a friend you can talk to because she isnt like that at all.

Imagine this scenerio:

Me: Sue Yeah i wanted to talk with you about something...

Her: Oh god, i hope it isnt something that is going to make me sad, because i dont want to be sad today. I had a hard day at work on Monday and i really don't want to bring myself down.

Me: Well, no, i just wanted to talk with you about how i am not able to spend as much time with you as you'd like me to.

long pause

Her: Uhm, we need to try that new Italian Restaurant i told you about before. I know you are short on time and whatnot, but how about we do that next time?

Me: Yeah thats fine, but i wanted you to know that i think it might be a good idea to look into some things to do here in town since you are away from all the stuff you were involved in before.

Her: Are you trying to tell me that Henry doesn't want to be with me anymore?

Me: No....

long pause

Her: Because that italian restaurant has the best meatballs you will ever eat ya know? Since i'm feeling soooooooooo happy today, how about we not talk about these things and we can talk about what cool things we will do next time you come to see me.
 
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Tattooed Goddess

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I was not the person who said "fuck off and grow up"

I said i wish she could grow up but she can't because she likes being in control of everyone else around her. Scroll down and read what i said in the scenario conversation and tell me how you'd handle it from there.
 

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That's precisely what i have, someone that can be reasoned with. I am thinking of ideas for a letter, sometimes that is short and sweet, not closing the door of contact, but letting her know to not be upset when I cant stop life to go and see her three hours away so she doesn't feel so alone. If the conversations were more along the lines of what i get with my other friends, i wouldn't be here. I'd be getting something back out of my efforts.

Just be leary of someone who is always in need, they ask everyone to buy them a soda at the concession stand because they want to keep their money in their pocket because they are broke. Or buy extravagant things when they are obviously out of money for even the basic things. And most importantly, they don't really care to get to know you at all, you are just a warm body to listen to them, be there so they don't have to visit places alone, and be more to them then they'd ever be willing to be for you.

These people need to be on the outside of the circle of close friends in your life.
 

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Well...I'm a guy, so I respect that there differing "normal" conversation dynamics between women. But, if you are normally calm and level-headed, why don't you get visibly angry? She seems to need someone to act like the adult, so be the punitive parent with the bad girl

Her: Because that italian restaurant has the best meatballs you will ever eat ya know? Since i'm feeling soooooooooo happy today, how about we not talk about these things and we can talk about what cool things we will do next time you come to see me.

You: (voice raised, suddenly angry) Or, why don't you stop being a fucking child and for once actually face these serious issues? I'm trying to communicate [mention briefly what you've mentioned here]. If you want to continue to be a child and run away from these things, don't bother talking to me!

Her: (starts crying?) Why are you being like this - where did this come from?

You: Look, you have a choice. We talk about this and not avoid the subject, or we don't talk at all. Ever.

She'll probably storm off and pout, and maybe call you in a few weeks later as if nothing happened. Don't answer the call, but just send a message reinforcing your threat - face the adult subject or no more contact, and don't respond to anything that doesn't conform to that demand.

Who knows, maybe she'll respond. OR maybe I'm full of shit. I dunno, just an idea. I really really really like roleplaying...:smile: