- Joined
- Jul 9, 2004
- Posts
- 2,424
- Media
- 0
- Likes
- 1,519
- Points
- 333
- Location
- Orange County, SoCal
- Sexuality
- 100% Straight, 0% Gay
- Gender
- Male
The year was 1976, an era in television when ABC-- the American Broadcasting Company-- managed to convince the other two rival networks that a pseudo-athletic contest with their most photogenic stars was a mutually brilliant idea. It was held at Pepperdine University in Malibu. Somehow they also persuaded famed Monday Night Football sportscaster Howard Cosell to lay-off the booze, keep his toupee on straight and MC the event with all the hyperbole and verbosity he could muster. The results were a nearly poetic masterpiece in television history that hasn't been replicated since.
The hottest female celebrities of the day wore braless athletic T-shirts and translucent swimsuits that plainly displayed their aureole during the crucial dunking contests. Battle of the Network Stars also forced male stars to walk the walk and talk the talk. And for one tiny hothead with a big mouth, actually demonstrate his athletic prowess or lack thereof.
Generations ago, actor Robert Conrad desperately wanted to be known as a man's man, an action hero who was also a lady killer. He wanted it all as a Hollywood leading man in shows like Wild Wild West and Baa Baa Black Sheep. The problem was Conrad was also very short, ridiculously listed as 5' 10" in publicity profiles but in-actually flying at an altitude closer to 5' 6". In this installment of Battle of the Network Stars, Robert Conrad's dashing Hollywood image took a savage beating when he tough-guy talked himself into a 220-yard sprint against one of television's most overtly non-athletic actors, Jewish comedian Gabe Kaplan.
As the race race commences at 7:54, Conrad demonstrates impeccable form in the starting block while Gabe Kaplan stands on the track nonchalantly without a care in the world. As the gun goes off, Robert Conrad pours every ounce of energy into his legs, straining with perfect running form to maximize his foot-speed. However, seconds later the unthinkable happens. Kaplan, awkwardly running upright, nonetheless starts to resemble Usain Bolt as he flies by his minuscule opponent midway around the turn and effortlessly pulls away nearing the finish line. Conrad is beaten by the largest margin since the nags versus Secretariat in the Kentucky Derby.
Robert Conrad is fortunate he didn't challenge Kaplan to 15-rounds in the ring, boxing being another skill Conrad once boasted about.