A little advice needed

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by jakeatolla, Dec 15, 2006.

  1. jakeatolla

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    This is a rather somber question I have. My wife and I were expecting
    our 3rd child until a few days ago. My wife went in for testing to make
    sure that everything was ok. When they did the ultrasound, they
    discovered that the fetus' heart was no longer beating. My wife had just hit
    her third month of pregnancy and the doctor figures that the baby died at 10 1/2 weeks. Needless to say we're both heartbroken. We have two healthy
    children, but we were really looking forwards to one more. This is the last
    chance to have any more, based on my wife's age. I 'm not really sure how
    to handle this. My wife is grieving and is blamming herslef. I've tried to
    tell her that is nonsense, and that this just wasn't meant to be. Better now
    than at nine months in my opinon. But that doesn't take away the pain she's
    feeling. If anyone has any helpfull advice, I'd be very gratefull. Thanks in advance.
     
  2. fratpack

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    Jakeatolla, so very sorry to hear of your loss. The best thing to do is be there for your wife and let her have her time to grieve. Reassure her that she is not to blame and that this was not her fault. Let yourself also have time to grieve. Every person deals with this in their own way but just be there for each other and your children. My prayers are with you at this time.
    Take care.
     
  3. wi_sugargrl

    wi_sugargrl New Member

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    I'm so sorry Jake - you and your wife will be in my thoughts tonight.

    Just give it time and validate her feelings. It's normal for a woman to think it's her fault even though it's hardly ever true - but she's going to feel that for a while. I think just being there for her and letting her know how much you love her is the best thing you can do.

    Take care - we are all thinking of you here at LPSG.
    Sugar
     
  4. rawbone8

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    It's natural that you and your wife need to grieve. There is loss here of the pregnancy, a child you both eagerly sought and have lost. The loss of a dream as well is hard to accept if it is the closure of viability due to her age or health concerns. The demise may have occurred for a multitude of reasons. She mustn't blame herself. Be close to her and offer her your continued emotional support for a long time to come on this.

    Your wife will continue to be under the influence of some very powerful hormones, and in my experience, emotions will be magnified for many weeks. Be cognizant of the likelihood that this can affect both of you for a long time to come. Take care of her and be observant.

    Years ago my wife and I were similarly in this position dealing with miscarriage, and had fully invested our hearts and emotions toward our "great expectation". It's sad, truly, but you need to grieve this together, and move on with support for each other. We had the advantage of time to try again, and are blessed with our only child, now 2-1/2 yrs old.

    There are many babies needing adoption, so expanding the family is still an option. But this is not something to discuss at this point. Deal with this head on and grieve, it has to be dealt with and embraced before you can move onward to other possibilities.

    You have my condolences, be well.
     
  5. Pirate Wench

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    I am so sorry for your loss.......

    Sounds like you've already gotten some good advice here.....just being there for each other.

    My thoughts are with you and your wife.
     
  6. lesmeljos

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    I too am so sorry for your loss......


    I agree with the other snippets of advice you have been given. You need each other at a time like this. Often a member of the clergy can help facilitate healing.

    My thoughts are with both you and your wife.
     
  7. Principessa

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    My most sincere condolences to you and your wife.
    My thoughts and prayers are with you at this time.

    The next few months will be hard for her. It's impossible to predict how any person will grieve the loss of hope. That may sound odd to some, but from the first moment a couple finds out they are pregnant that baby represents hope. Hope for a healthy, happy child, a smart child,

    She will probably blame herself for the miscarriage. You will have to remind her that it's not her fault. But you knew that already... actually it sounds like you already have pretty good handle on how to help her at this time.

    Sometimes people forget that the dad has lost a baby too.
    You also need to take time to grieve and cry. Don't be surprised if 6 months from now she sees an infant in a snuggly at the mall and bursts into tears. This is so hard, but you will survive it.


     
  8. D_Cliebert_Chodechoker

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    Im terribly sorry to hear your news, and i will definately pray for you two. I hope u get through things all right, i dont think im experienced enough to offer any addvice on your situation, but i can still wish u annd your wife the best.

    Godbless
     
  9. IntoxicatingToxin

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    The best advice I can offer is to support her. I found a website she might want to peruse... Pregnancy After Miscarriage She also may want to think about some short-term therapy to help her take the steps through the grieving process.
     
  10. D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah

    D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah Account Disabled

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    Sweetie im so sorry.

    And sorry to say but regardless of what you say she will blame herself and be down for quite a while. Really all you can do is make sure she realises how luck she is to already have 2 beautiful, healthy children. Just be there for herand let her see that you feel the pain along with her.. It will take time but she will learn to cope with the loss
     
  11. D_Sheffield Thongbynder

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    Let me add my thoughts and prayers. Once the inevitable grieving process is over, then you will see things more clearly. In the meantime, I hope you're up to being her source of support. Hugs. John
     
  12. SassySpy

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    I am deeply saddened by your loss. I know it must be heartbreaking. Yes you have gotten a lot of good advice here, there's little more I can add but sympathy. She has some hormonal changes that will affect her grieving process too, so keep in mind that may take awhile, though there are meds that can help.
    Also, I know its natural to blame oneself- perhaps you can remind her that the baby never knew a moments pain or unhappiness, that she provided him the best home in the world for a short period of time- and she therefore gave him something good to take to the other side- a complete and blissful innocence. There's nothing she could have done to prevent it, it was meant to be for a reason we do not know.

    Good luck, lots of hugs to you both.

    Sassy
     
  13. jakeatolla

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    Thank you all so very much for your kind words of support. It has helped
    greatly. The initial shock seems to have abated somewhat and my wife
    has stopped blamming herself. But Now we have to wait for the drugs to
    cause her to pass the fetus. That , will be hard for her.
    The timming is pretty bad as well. But at the end of the day, we can
    still hug ou 2 and 3 year old children and thank god that they are healthy
    and happy.

    Thanks again, and may you all have a Merry Christmas

    Jake
     
  14. jakeatolla

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    Just thougt I'd post an update. Afte spending all night and most
    of the day at our local ER, we're at home resting ( Impossible to do
    at the hospital ) and everything is fine. My wife passed the fetus
    naturally along with a ton of blood ( who knew that much could come out ).
    The doctors and nurses were fantastic and very suportive. Now We're going
    to get caught up on some sleep. I hope...
     
  15. Mr Ed in Mass

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    I too am sorry for your loss.God bless both of you.
     
  16. viking1

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    Very sorry to hear of your loss. May God bless you.
     
  17. dannymawg

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    Sorry I don't have any advice, but my heart goes out to you and your wife.

    Dan'l
     
  18. Big Del

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    Sorry for your bad news - especially awful in the run up to the holiday season when there should be so much joy and happiness

    Friends who have gone thru the same thing have bounced back (it is amazingly common especially in the early months, more so then I ever realised) but it is sad and it takes time

    Just be there for each other, guys in this situation can be overlooked as all the focus is on the woman - I would encourage you to talk to your friends and to grieve and to let your wife and others know that it is your loss as well

    Peace and Love

    Del
     
  19. Gillette

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    Jake, I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you both.
    I can't begin to understand the grief you must be feeling, but I hope you find solace in one another and your children.

    I can't say if it's the best plan or not but naming the child you lost might be a way of focusing your grief and aid in your eventual healing. My hope is that this might also help your wife view it as the loss of an existing loved one instead of a personal failure on her part to create a child to love.

    You know that she is not to blame for this. She knows, intellectually, that she is not to blame for this, but it will take her a long time to accept that knowledge emotionally. If your children knew of the child to come you will need to include them in whatever healing process you go through. Even if they aren't able to fully comprehend the situation they will still feel the loss and your pain.

    Be as strong and as weak as you feel, as long as you are honestly sharing your feelings with each other you will survive this. My best hopes for you, be well.
     
  20. Gisella

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    :hug:

    I'm really sorry for your loss...I understand and had this situation 4x in a short time. Its heart breaking and we have to grief and go through the process of it. I belongeg to a group of women in the same situation for a while that help me. It help me a lot the fact the pregnancies 3months below that do not go beyond is because something is very wrong with baby and way nature deals by miscarraging it. And I would never want have my baby to born and suffer. Was not my fault..they were sick very sick very young.

    Hope you two confort one another because sometimes males keep conforting women and disregard his own loss or try to hide etc...Hope everything will be well.

    Kisses
     
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