I find your wording here a little offensive (although it probably is just a wording thing). Just because you are not into something yourself, it does not make it 'weird'.
I'm not sure what you find offensive, but I'm sure that you know that I never intend to offend anyone. I believe you must have misinterpreted what I said. You know that we do not have a dom/sub relationship and I am not talking about BDSM games here. There's nothing weird about those things. I meant that interpreting from what I've written that if you tell your lover what you want that it means that your lover isn't allowed to do what he wants is a weird conclusion, which alwaysguessing didn't make, I just misread his post the first time I read it, as I said in the beginning.
Neither you or alwaysguessing jumped to those kind of conclusions. I literally just misread what he wrote and didn't bother to erase my response to misreading his post, which I said in that post.
It does often come across as though you're reading that Hamlet script every time you and TheBoyfriend have sex. It's good to know that you do each have some freedom from the script :smile:
I could have been a lot more graphic and sensual when I wrote that because we have a very hot sex life, and I could write like that all the time here on LPSG if I chose to do so. I don't want to. I prefer for my writing here to be as reserved and as clinical as possible. I am reticent about luridly describing our sex life on the forums like that because I consider those erotic thoughts and images to be private between me and TheBoyfriend. It also makes me feel like we're performing for an audience and I don't need validation that we have a very hot sex life. I know we do. I also worry that turning our IRL sex life into wank fodder would attract a lot of attention I don't want here. Men have finally left me alone. My PM box is free of perviness. I don't want to regain the attention of the leg-humpers. That's not why I'm here.
Can you tell me what it is that I say that gives the impression that I'm talking about "scripts" when I say that you should tell your partner your fantasies?
I only seem to get my point across through examples, but only sometimes, because then some people respond like I'm only talking only about that specific concept, not that the example refers to a broader concept. In a previous thread on the idea of "talking about sex," I used an example of sexting your lover all the dirty things you want to do to him all day long until he can't wait to come home and do all those things with you, and lots of people seemed to miss the point that the entire sexting idea was just an example of
one way that you could "talk about sex" with your lover. They talked about the pros/cons of sexting and whether they do it or don't like it, which is fine, but I wasn't actually advocating the usage of texting as a superior method of sexual communication. It was just an example that people seemed to misunderstand as the actual point.
"Talking about sex" might mean calling up your lover sometime during the day and literally saying, "Remember that time you fucked me from behind in your shower while I was up on my toes and I held onto the towel rack? I can't stop thinking about that all day. I really want to have sex in the shower tonight. It's been too long since we've done that and I miss it." Short, hot, flirtatious, and to the point. You wanted sex in the shower, you asked for it in a way that made your lover want to do it, too, and now he's thinking all day long about the hot sex he's going to have in the shower tonight. No need for a script and there's plenty of room for improvisation and spontaneity.
While alwaysguessing thinks that reading a woman's fantasy would be disappointing to him and ruin the spontaneity, most men would be extremely turned on if a woman wrote down her fantasies and gave them to him to read. A man doesn't have to follow your story word for word like a script in order to fulfill your fantasies
, but they would give a very clear idea of what you want from your lover and it would be a very hot way of doing it.
I started writing down one of my fantasies last October, which has turned into an elaborate story. For the longest time it was entirely private because I consider it to be extremely personal and I told no one about it or let anyone read it. I eventually confessed to TheBoyfriend that I was writing down my fantasies and after TheBoyfriend begged me for ages to let him read it, I finally agreed to read some of the parts of it to him. He can't get enough of it. He
loves it. There's a reason why men come here and ask the women to talk about their fantasies. There's a reason why there's a fiction section on LPSG. It's a major turn-on.
How is it unfair for a woman to want a man with a certain level of passion and initiative? She may want a man to just be that way already. Some want an attractive man with a large penis. Is that wrong or unfair?
That's not what I said!
I've already said that Dolfette is obviously talking about men that you just will never click with, and I agree with her that it's best to discover those incompatibilities early on and end those relationships if they're bound to fail. We've strayed away from the OP.
I said that
if you never tell you lover what you want in bed, then you can't blame your partner if you never get what you want in bed. Not unless you're just determined to be unfair to your partner.
It's easy to blame everyone else if you're unhappy with your sex life instead of taking responsibility for it. A lot of women grouse about not getting what they want from men and they talk a lot about what they specifically want, so they are obviously capable of putting their desires into words. A lot of women also defend the idea that they shouldn't actually say what they want in from their lovers. You don't see the disconnect between these two ideas?
Plus, writing it down kills the initiative and spontaneity.
Fulfilling a fantasy involves telling the other person what the fantasy is. If the fantasy is so fragile that saying the words out loud ruins it, then it can't be that important to you to fulfill it.
And telling your lover that on Saturday you are going to tie him up, it really doesn't "kill the spontaneity." It doesn't mean that he knows how it's going to happen, because if you say, "On Saturday, I'm going to tie you up." then that isn't exactly a script, is it? But it does heighten anticipation for what is going to happen on Saturday.
On a first date, it's a take it or leave it sort of thing. Some women might want to be ravished on the first date. Even with an LTR, if passion is insufficient, some women may not feel like taking the time to work on it. I think that is up to them and is perfectly okay. You might be happy to work on it for a few months, then give up. Some may never quit. Everyone draws the line in a different place. To each her own.
When I turn the tables and imagine being with a man who refuses to tell me what he wants in bed, but is clearly unsatisfied with whatever I'm doing, and he has specific ideas about what he wants but he is just stubbornly refusing to actually tell me what those things are, when I'm the sort of woman who would be glad to hear all his fantasies and desires, and I would happily do anything he wants for him... Well, then I imagine that I'd break up with a man like that, purely out of frustration and a lack of appreciation for my willingness to please him, even though I'm unable to read his mind. I don't think it would be a fair way to treat me, but if you don't mind being treated like that, then, as you say, "To each her own." I'm just sticking up for all the good men who don't have the power of telepathy.
You keep talking about what women want. I agree with that. I bet that's what men want too! I want that. I also want the fairytale romance where everything always goes right, he reads my mind, he always does what I want in bed without me ever having to say a word, he gives me as many orgasms as I want whenever I want them exactly the way I wanted them, he never has a single moment where he isn't funny or suave, his armpits and feet are never stinky, he's never in a bad mood or cranky, we never have any arguments, and keeping romance alive never any requires work or any effort. Who doesn't want those things? I just know better than to expect those things, because I don't want to make myself unhappy.
I'm not arguing that it wouldn't be incredibly wonderful if a man could read my mind and just know what I always wanted and I never had to say a word. That would be great. The problem is that I've dated a hell of a lot of men (in my opinion) and I've never found a man who was that perfect.
There is this slightly less perfect version of that fairytale where you meet a man who will happily do everything you ever want, if you just tell him what it is that you want. That is much more likely to actually happen. Lots of men want to be that man and are totally capable of being that man. Those men deserve appreciation, and actual spoken words, not unrealistic expectations.
Sure, it's possible to say the words out loud. But they are not going to necessarily make someone hungry or passionate, plus it kills the spontaneity.
What? How does saying to your lover, "I want you to go down on me like you're goddamned hungry" going to kill the spontaneity the next time he goes down on you? And the next time? And the next time? Who said that you should even say it while you're naked, in bed, or actually having sex? That's like saying that the words "I love you" kill the romance.
The only way that it would "kill the spontaneity" is if a man is so lame that he never goes down on you
until you say those words. No man who is capable of getting a woman naked and in bed is actually
that lame. I've been with a lot of men, and none have ever reached that kind of "Revenge of the Nerds" level of total lameness in bed. For all the making fun of things men shouldn't do in this thread, I've never experienced men who do those things being complained about. I've never had a man lamely say to me, "Is that okay?" like it was described earlier, like he's checking to make sure that he's actually doing okay. It's the reason why I misunderstood the tone that was intended. I assume that if we're talking about passion and fantasies and relationships with men, that we aren't talking about men who are so lame that they couldn't actually get laid.
