A Marriage Question

[jeff black]

For those who have gotten married in their early 20's... how did you know it was time? I mean, I'm a hopeless romantic, but even I couldn't imagine getting married before I was in my late 20's.

Explain, please.:smile:

 

[Mandee]

Sorry Jeff... I'm not married. But I wish that I were!! I have several friends who are my age and already married...

 

[jeff black]

Sorry Jeff... I'm not married. But I wish that I were!! I have several friends who are my age and already married...

And what caused them to do this? What made them jump up and say
" Well, we are 19-20... let's get married"?

 

[Tattooed Goddess]

This year i will be married for 10 years. I got married at 18. We dated for 5 months before getting married. We laid everything of importance on the line on the first few dates and went to premarital counseling. The reason why most relationships dont work is that they arent compatible in the vital things that make or break relationships:

Religion
Parenting style
Do you want kids?
Discipline
Finances
Male and Female roles
How your parents were
Etc

We just figured that if we were on the same page in those areas lets just get married. Nine years and 1 kid later, we dont regret that decision and our marriage gets better and better every year.

 

[Mandee]

And what caused them to do this? What made them jump up and say
" Well, we are 19-20... let's get married"?

I'm not sure... Well, Britni is almost 21... she got married our senior year of high school because she got pregnant... but she is very happy and now pregnant with her second child.

Amber got married to a guy who is probably about 25... she is now 20... they got married when she was 18. I'm not sure what made them decide to get married... guess they just wanted to. They are very happy and expecting their first child next month.

Megan is 20 and she got married last August. Her husband is almost 30. They grew up in the same town and they are both really into farming. I guess they just fell in love and didn't see any reason to wait to get married. lol. Idk...

Those are the ones I can think of at the moment.

 

[D_Prudence_Admonition_Drightits]

Hi Jeff,

I got married at 25 years old (your age now). We dated for two years before that. How did we know it was right- it is hard to put in words, I guess it was just a visceral reaction. To this day, my husband gives me goosebumps.

 

[Novaboy]

Hi Jeff, I used to wonder that myself. I also used to wonder why people that had lived together for years didn't tie the knot. When my partner and I entered into our relationship 13 years ago marriage was not an option. It was actually then that I realized why some couples don't get married. We didn't need to. It would not have changed our relationship in anyway. It would not have made it "permanent".....nothing can guarantee that. We have all inheritance, pension rights etc. by law and in our wills. Neither or us are interested in any sort of religious blessing. Our friends and families know we are a committed couple so again, we have not felt the need to get married even though we now can. I can really only see us getting married if we had to for any legal reason to protect our rights.

I agree with you that the idea of jumping right into marriage at a young age is frightening. When love first hits, that rush of joy that completely everwhelms your enitire being feels like it will last for ever. If it did no one would ever split up, infact, no one would ever leave the house! I'm all for a committed relationship, lots of romance etc. but do agree with you on this one.....wait....at least for a little while.

Novaboy

 

[D_Ed69s girl]

And what caused them to do this? What made them jump up and say
" Well, we are 19-20... let's get married"?

It wasn't about age, it was about to mature people wanting to spend the rest of our lives together. Ed69 and I got married when I was 19 and he was 22. We had been friends for two years prior and started to go out to the movies and play pool. We really got to know each other and we both had no desire to live alone. We made a connection that is hard to explain. We wanted to be together simple to be together. We made a choice and almost 17 years later I can't be happier. Sure we have had our ups and down but it really only feels like we have been married for five-six years. The key is caring about someone so much that you hate to be away from them. But at least I have something to look forward to at the end of my work day.:smile: The other is that are truly grown up yet or do you still feel like the party hardy kid. I have a 22 year old male friend that doesn't see the sense in finding a gal right now. He has no desire to commit to a relationship and I think that is great. Don't let media force you into have a partner when you really don't want one.

 

[Axcess]

I don't think that I was born to be married and to have kids . Isn't my destiny that's for sure . I WILL NEVER GET MARRIED!!

 

[Novaboy]

I don't think that I was born to be married and to have kids . Isn't my destiny that's for sure . I WILL NEVER GET MARRIED!!

Never say never! But I agree with you. Marriage is not for everyone. I think there are many people out there who are married and have children who really only did this because they fell it is what's expected from them as a "grown-up". More people need to go with their true feelings, as you plan to do, and not be pressured into something that is not right for them.

 

[MalakingTiti]

I am not married, but it seems to me that while you can be as smart as you can about it, getting all of the vital stats out on the table beforehand, to a large degree, the ability to spend your life with someone is a crap shoot. So much can change over years. There are so many variables that it is impossible to think of everything, much less give them serious consideration.

As I said. I am not married. But I have been around. From what I've witnessed from some friends marrying and staying together, and more friends divorcing, there is no tried and true, battle tested, one size fits all formula.

The fact is, you know just as much as anyone else who will answer your question on this forum.

 

[jeff black]

It wasn't about age, it was about to mature people wanting to spend the rest of our lives together....

My apoligies for cutting up your post, I just found this part very interesting. Just how 'mature' are two people at the age of 18-20? They have barely lived, some of them are just out of school, with no official career.... It kind of ties to my thoughts as I see marriage as a level of committment. I just dont' know if EVERYONE who gets married at that age is ACTUALLY mature enough to take on marriage.

Not saying it can't work out, just thinking there is a ton of extra work involved. My thought was always this:

If you love someone THAT much, why not wait a few more years? If it's meant to be... can't it wait 5 more years?

Btw, thanks for the responses thus far. You guys and gals have done excellent.

 

[SpoiledPrincess]

Maturity often doesn't have that much to do with age Jeff, there are people of 40 who haven't got a clue what they want, and people of 15 who know exactly what they want. I got married when I was 21, we married because we loved each other and wanted to be together 24/7, have our own exclusive little household where no one could impose their ideas of how we should live on us, have a child and bring them up in the best way we could. Unfortunately it didn't last for ever like we thought it would, we both changed, but people change whatever their age, sometimes marrying young you change together and become closer, sometimes you change into people who no longer fit together.

You say you wouldn't consider marrying at your age - what happens if you met someone you loved so much your heart ached for her when you were apart?

If you love someone that much why wait to be together when you can be together now and not waste those five years?

 

[rob_just_rob]

I don't think that I was born to be married and to have kids . Isn't my destiny that's for sure . I WILL NEVER GET MARRIED!!

I said that when I was 25.

Now, I feel that I would like to get married, to the right woman. But ironically, it's a lot harder to get married once past the mid-20s. Not because of a lack of women who are interested (there are plenty of single 30something women who would love to be married 30something women), but because (IMO) you're less willing to adapt and be tolerant of other people's peccadilloes by your 30s. You've seen the end of too many relationships and are less patient with them. And yes, you become the dreaded "set in your ways".

YouTube - James - Runaground

 

[D_Ed69s girl]

It wasn't about age, it was about to mature people wanting to spend the rest of our lives together. Ed69 and I got married when I was 19 and he was 22. We had been friends for two years prior and started to go out to the movies and play pool. We really got to know each other and we both had no desire to live alone. We made a connection that is hard to explain. We wanted to be together simple to be together. We made a choice and almost 17 years later I can't be happier. Sure we have had our ups and down but it really only feels like we have been married for five-six years. The key is caring about someone so much that you hate to be away from them. But at least I have something to look forward to at the end of my work day.:smile: The other is that are truly grown up yet or do you still feel like the party hardy kid. I have a 22 year old male friend that doesn't see the sense in finding a gal right now. He has no desire to commit to a relationship and I think that is great. Don't let media force you into have a partner when you really don't want one.

My apoligies for cutting up your post, I just found this part very interesting. Just how 'mature' are two people at the age of 18-20? They have barely lived, some of them are just out of school, with no official career.... It kind of ties to my thoughts as I see marriage as a level of committment. I just dont' know if EVERYONE who gets married at that age is ACTUALLY mature enough to take on marriage.
Just a small note, I was an office manager at the time of a small business. And I had been raising my sister since I was fifteen. After my parents got divorce they lost track of what my sister and I was doing and she was left on her own. My parent gave us food and a roof over our heads. I was the one who made sure my sister got her homework done, ate a good breakfast in the morning and kept her out of trouble at school. Does that qualify as being able to handle commitments like marriage. And no not every one is mature when they get married thats why DIVORCE is so high.
Not saying it can't work out, just thinking there is a ton of extra work involved. My thought was always this:

If you love someone THAT much, why not wait a few more years? If it's meant to be... can't it wait 5 more years?

Yes marriage is ton of work and I have known people who have waited ten years to get married only to get divorce a year later. The bottom line is every one gets married when they feel ready to get married. Sometime it may not be the best choice but for them at the time it is.

 

[B_jeffy7]

My brother on Vancouver island, met this girl, 3 days later he got posted to a small town in Ontario, he asked her if she wanted to get married, she said sure and 20 years later they are still like newlyweds. I guess you just know when its times and when things are right.

 

[Principessa]

For those who have gotten married in their early 20's... how did you know it was time? I mean, I'm a hopeless romantic, but even I couldn't imagine getting married before I was in my late 20's.

Explain, please.:smile:

Good question! I have often wondered this myself since moving to Georgia from New Jersey. I am positively dumbstruck at the amount of 25 and 26 year olds who have been married for 9 -10 years. I attribute it to this part of the south being very religious and old fashioned. By this I mean that when a girl gets pregnant in high school or soon after they get married. They actually don't seem to consider that there are other options.

Obviously in New Jersey we had teen pregnancys as well. Yet it seems the male involved rarely if ever had any sense of obligation or responsibility for his role in the baby making.

I know of one couple who married right out of high school in New Jersey and their marriage lasted about three years.

 

[Tattooed Goddess]

Jeff Black, did you read my response in this thread?

Sure i know a hell of a lot more now in my late 20's than i did in my late teens, but i'd pick the same man all over again today. How many 40 year olds divorced thrice can say that?

SP had it right when maturity and the ability to know who is your soulmate is doesnt occur with age. My mom got married at 16 and got a divorce 8 years later, I have an aunt who has been married 9 times who is in her late 40's, and i got married at 18 and i have a great marriage. Its more to do with WHO you pick, not how old you were when you picked them.

 

[jeff black]

I got married when I was 21, we married because we loved each other and wanted to be together 24/7,

Unfortunately it didn't last for ever like we thought it would, we both changed, but people change whatever their age, sometimes marrying young you change together and become closer, sometimes you change into people who no longer fit together.

Exactly. You married young and it didn't work out because you two grew and changed in different ways. My thought it that people grow so much when they are 18-25 (and they grow after that, let's not nit-pick) it just doesn't seem logical to get married so young as there is a lot of potential growth. People change.

You say you wouldn't consider marrying at your age - what happens if you met someone you loved so much your heart ached for her when you were apart?

If you love someone that much why wait to be together when you can be together now and not waste those five years?

When I was 21, I found my heart lusting after anyone with a pulse. I'm not claiming to be the average man or anything, I'm just tossing my point in the mix. If I had found someone that I loved so much it hurt, I'd definitely stay with them. I think two people can be extremely happy together without getting married in the first year. Again, I'm just going with the idea that people change over time... If we can't wait five years, why are we getting married?

 

[Tattooed Goddess]

Let me also add...usually marriages split up because they werent a good match in the first place. The other reason why marriages dont work is that one or both parties are selfish and quit doing their part. Once you stop trying to make the other person happy and be the person you'd want to come home to...you are down the road of doom.

JeffBlack, its obvious marriage isnt for you in your 20's. There are people who swear college is the best experience for young people. I opted out of it. Some think everyone should travel the world to get enlightenment. I dont know why people insist that all teenagers or people in their 20's are stupid because they might have been clueless. I've been fortunate getting married at 18, owning my first home by 20, starting my 401K plan at 21 and being my own boss and business owner at age 23. Some of us are more responsible by nature and never were the party types.

Age does not equal wisdom or ignorance. Its way too subjective of a subject to place your beliefs as the only source.