A Marriage Question

[whatireallywant]

This year i will be married for 10 years. I got married at 18. We dated for 5 months before getting married. We laid everything of importance on the line on the first few dates and went to premarital counseling. The reason why most relationships dont work is that they arent compatible in the vital things that make or break relationships:

Religion
Parenting style
Do you want kids?
Discipline
Finances
Male and Female roles
How your parents were
Etc

We just figured that if we were on the same page in those areas lets just get married. Nine years and 1 kid later, we dont regret that decision and our marriage gets better and better every year.

These are things every couple needs to discuss before they get married. In my case, my views on some of these areas means that there are very few compatible people for me, which could be why I am 44 and have never been married.

 

[jeff black]

This year i will be married for 10 years. I got married at 18. We dated for 5 months before getting married. We laid everything of importance on the line on the first few dates and went to premarital counseling. The reason why most relationships dont work is that they arent compatible in the vital things that make or break relationships:

I completely agree with this point you made. The reason most relationships don't work is due to being incompatable in various areas. However, in the example of parenting styles, can you or anyone honestly say that they know exactly how they are going to raise a child THAT early in life? I mean, get married at 20, some are still children themselves.:smile:

figured that if we were on the same page in those areas lets just get married. Nine years and 1 kid later, we dont regret that decision and our marriage gets better and better every year.

And your thoughts on this matter are great. In fact, I offer my congrats that you were able to make the relationship work this long. My argument is just that people who start that young aren't ready to get married because they are still children themselves. It's not everyone, but I still think it's the majority.

Jeff Black, did you read my response in this thread?

No, I completely missed it. Responding to both now though....:biggrin1:

...and i got married at 18 and i have a great marriage. Its more to do with WHO you pick, not how old you were when you picked them.

No, I disagree with that statement, if I may. I mean, yes... who you pick is an important part of a successful marriage, I can't argue with that. However, the younger you are, the less likely you are to know what you want and what works.

Yes, I am generalizing, I know that. I don't know how to express my thoughts any other way. As I said in the beginning, I am a huge romantic. I love the idea of soulmates and meeting when you are 14, staying together and growing old together. I just don't think many people can honestly say they know exactly what they want in life and love when they are 18.

 

[Tattooed Goddess]

I dont think many people in the world can make marriage work. Regardless of your age. I think you have a pretty good idea of how you want to raise your kids and stick pretty closely to that if you set out to be a good parent. I think people who "what if" things so much and get so damn picky about what they want end up never getting married and/or staying virgins because their beliefs are VERY unrealistic.

Lets face it, some of us are way more mature than others. I'd be the small statistic. I think i could have gotten married to my husband at 16 and had the same results. I am who i am and i havent changed much, you can ask him and he'll agree. Whatever permanent changing i did was positive because i consciously work at being a good wife and Mom and set out to do so.

 

[SpoiledPrincess]

Exactly. You married young and it didn't work out because you two grew and changed in different ways

You could get married at 40 and still change so much in two years that the marriage would no longer work, I don't think age has anything to do with it. It's just luck and how hard you're both prepared to work at.

 

[jeff black]

I've been fortunate getting married at 18, owning my first home by 20, starting my 401K plan at 21 and being my own boss and business owner at age 23. Some of us are more responsible by nature and never were the party types.

Exactly, some people can do it, others can't.

Age does not equal wisdom or ignorance. Its way too subjective of a subject to place your beliefs as the only source.

I like this comment. I think it depends on your experience as well. You come from a successful marriage, I have a ton of friends who have married young and then divorced. Our views are biased.:smile:

 

[Tattooed Goddess]

I think my parents both analyzed why their first marriages didnt work out and spent a lot of time working on themselves. Mom and Dad got married a month after meeting because they laid it all out on the line really quick. They are still together 30 years later. They influenced my belief in marriage and they also taught me the importance of how much power we have over the happiness and success of that marriage. A lot of people dont know how to be a husband or a wife, they had no proper example and wouldnt know where to start. I had a great foundation and i know that has a lot to do with it.

My birth order plays a big role in it too. I was practically an only child and spend a lot of time with people my parents age and with my parents. I think being more mature for my age is something that my parents have always acknowledged. They are the ones who requires us to go to premarital counseling. My Dad says this about his only son-in-law "I couldnt have hand picked a better man for my daughter"

I always wanted to marry a man as good as my Dad.

 

[snoozan]

I honestly think I married too young. I was 22. With that said, I married someone who has been patient with me and has seen the committment we made through some rough times, and now, 7 years later, I've finally grown into being married. He's 10 years older than I am and was prepared to deal with some of the drama marrying someone as young as I was. I'd never change my decision because I knew he was the right person, but I think we'd have had an easier first 3 years had I been a little more mature.

 

[yhtang]

I just asked a friend of mine, who is in in early 40's, why he got married. He married in his late 20's.

He said he cannot remember, but sometimes he wish he was still single.

I still believe the saying, "Marry in haste, repent in leisure."

 

[benweston]

I'm sorry, I don't agree with the sentiment here that age buys you wisdom and maturity. Experience does. And someone of 18 can have far more life experience than someone of 40.

I've been engaged to my fiance for a year. I run a company with a turnover of £600k and 20 employees, I have travelled more places than most in their lifetime and I'm only 20. My fiance is 18. We've been together four years and we're getting married in our mid-twenties once she's out of University.

I refuse to accept that getting married in your early twenties is a bad idea. It's only a bad idea for those who haven't grown up. And, to be honest, I know people who haven't grown up in their fourties!

 

[Industrialsize]

Explain?? I can't.......I met my Husband(yes we're 2 men but it's legal to be married in massachusetts)...when I was 20.......I picked him up in a bar and went back to his place to have sex........I haven't gone home yet, and it's 27 years later......I guess we love each other.

 

[Principessa]

These are things every couple needs to discuss before they get married. In my case, my views on some of these areas means that there are very few compatible people for me, which could be why I am 44 and have never been married.

Naa, that's not the reason. . . just kidding babe. :biggrin1:

 

[jack65]

For those who have gotten married in their early 20's... how did you know it was time? I mean, I'm a hopeless romantic, but even I couldn't imagine getting married before I was in my late 20's.

Explain, please.:smile:

Hello

Jeff, it really is in the person not there age or anything else, you really have to be willing to except the person you married, what i mean is that all to often i see people of all ages getting married then start trying to change that person into what they think they should be.

The other thing that i believe kills a marriage is that how you perceive love,
i have seen this first hand with people that really do want to be with each other yet end up getting devoiced.

what i mean is, if you think of love what comes to mind? most of the time we show our love to others the same way as we think it is to us. the problem is we don't all perceive love the same way, so after a while we start to think our partner is not into us as we are for them, this, if left unchanged will breed resentment and then it is only a few steps to fighting all the time and then devoice.

Marriage is hard work thats for sure and there are times that you can think what have i got myself into,but i can truly say that i am glad that both my wife and i have worked at it for over 20 years are we still will, because our commitment to the marriage and each other over rides the up's and down's that life brings.

I hope that you will all ways keep that "hopeless romantic" in you the world and this forum can use dose of it now and again.

Thank You.

 

[Ragin'4 fun]

Others have said it is a feeling that is hard to put into words and I totally agree. I met my husband a couple of months after my 19th birthday. I know this will sound like some silly romantic movie but I tell you the truth when I say it truly was love at first sight.

I had been in a couple of lengthy relationships prior to meeting him and thought they were true love but they just weren't the same as my feelings for my husband.

We were married a week before his 27th birthday when I was 21 and celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary last weekend. Doing the math it means we have been together for close to 19 years and are still in love.

We do work at our marriage. We have both changed over the years and constantly have to adapt to the changes in order to keep our marriage healthy. We also make sure we have a great sex life. We have fun with sex and try to come up with new things to keep it hot. This is always a fun little challenge for us.

 

[B_625girth]

I am 55 yo, got married at 26. I played the field, and slept with a lot of ladies, early 70's, no HIV. women were still experiencing the sexual revolution. I always told people if you feel you are not ready, then don't get married. if you feel unsure, then don't get married. everybody gets cold feet about marriage as the day gets closer, but if you have second thoughts and haven't set a date yet, best to end it. and if you go ahead and get married, don't have kids right away and throw them into a mess. we waited 4 yrs before having kids. we both wanted to make sure, and it is nice to be married for awhile and have nothing or no one to get in the way of unbridled sex.

 

[Ragin'4 fun]

... we waited 4 yrs before having kids. we both wanted to make sure, and it is nice to be married for awhile and have nothing or no one to get in the way of unbridled sex.

We also waited 4 years before having a baby. I am glad you brought this up because I truly believe it is important to make sure you are secure in your marriage before introducing kids into the mix. Lord knows there are plenty of kids in this world who find themselves in the middle of ugly divorces!

 

[B_Hung Jon]

I think there's so much pressure to be normal these days that people are desperate to find that special someone to spend their lives with. If you check out websites there is constant talk about finding partners, how to meet the opposite sex and generally how to keep them once you find them. Has it always been this way? What if you meet a series of people you may love for shorter periods of time over your life? Is this too weird or unacceptable? It seems to me that most people get pretty bored with each other over time and generally just stay together because they're afraid to be alone.

 

[Hippie Hollow Girl]

How do you know when the time is right to get married?

When you want to spend every moment and every day with the person that you are in love with......When you can see your future in the person's eyes.

For me, I met my husband in a disco bar. The Magic Time Machine in Addison, Texas. I was there with a girlfriend and I had been stood up by this guy that I was dating. I caught his gaze from across the room. I thought maybe he was looking at someone else.....I wasn't 100% sure until he and his friend came over to join me and my friend. They asked us to dance. I just remember sitting next to him on the bence seat....he put his arm around the back of the seat and I felt safe.....like I was home. I have never felt like this with any other person. I knew from that instant that this was my future husband. And I still feel like this today. I have a hard time even remembering what life was like before we got together. We met February the 11th, 1989 and we got married August the 12th, 1989. I have never regreted a second of our life together. I sure hope he can say the same thing. I have never had a better friend or person that truly loves me or understands me like my husband does.

Sure we don't agree on everything every minute of the day.....but we are able to listen to each other and compromise because we both want each other to be happy.

I was 23 years old when I met him and I turned 24 -1 month after we got married. But I was an old maid. All my friends had gotten married right out of high school.

We had infertility.....didn't even think we could have kids so suprise suprise when I turn up pregnant after 7 years of marriage. Having 7 years all to our self has probably kept us close. I am just hoping mid-life crises doesn't mess anything up.

 

[tankur]

I got married at 21 my wife was 20. This year will be our 19th anniversary. I never dated to just get a piece of ass. I was always looking for a mate. We started dating in high school. I joined the Marines and after 3 years of long distance dating we got married. I don't believe we are the norm for most young couples.

We have never had a fight. We disagree about things but there is no screaming or throwing stuff. If we can't talk about it we take a break.

Some things we have figured out is No one has enough money, guys never get enough sex and everything else is bullshit.

 

[jhm]

met my wife when we were 19 but didnt get married until 33!

 

[Principessa]

met my wife when we were 19 but didnt get married until 33!

Did you date that entire time? If so, why did you not step up to the plate and do the right thing sooner?

I got married at 21 my wife was 20. This year will be our 19th anniversary. I never dated to just get a piece of ass. I was always looking for a mate. We started dating in high school. I joined the Marines and after 3 years of long distance dating we got married. I don't believe we are the norm for most young couples.

We have never had a fight. We disagree about things but there is no screaming or throwing stuff. If we can't talk about it we take a break. Yup, that's how my folks do it too. I have never heard them raise their voices to each other in anger in 44 years of marriage.

Some things we have figured out is No one has enough money, guys never get enough sex and everything else is bullshit.

:smile: Sounds about right!