A question for gay men

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by little_ONE, Dec 24, 2006.

  1. little_ONE

    little_ONE Member

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2006
    Messages:
    42
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Do you ever wish you wern't gay?

    Whe you were younger did you want a family, kids, ect?

    Is that what you still want?

    when i was younger i wanted to be "normal", with a family, wife and kids, but being gay i have to accept that im not going to have all that.
     
  2. HotBulge

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2005
    Messages:
    1,181
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    218
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Lowells talk to Cabots, Cabots talk to God
    I don't think you've quite arrived at the correct conclusion about gay life. It is possible to be gay and to have a family if that is what you choose. There are thousand of couples who are gay and do have children. Gays and lesbians have found ways to have children through special arrangments, through sperm banks, and through foster care and adoptions. There are also several people who started families in the heterosexual context and then "discovered" their homosexual orientation - both men and women.

    You indirectly strike at the core of why 2006 is the year of gay rights. A gay lifestyle should no longer be equated with marginalization. Gay men and women deserve equal protection under the law with the right to marry and deserve to pursue fulfilling lives as everyone else. It may require some time for society to accept this, but it's (1) only fair and (2) in the interest of general society to have more stability rather than less.

    This is not a sermon; it's just a welcome contradiction to your premise that a gay lifestyle leads to marginalization.

     
  3. behrstar

    behrstar Member

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2006
    Messages:
    84
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Louisville, KY (The Lube State)
    I am a 39 year old gay man that has been with the same man for 10 years. We "married" 5 years ago and have considered having kids but decided against it. There were times I wished I were "normal" and could be attractedto women "in that way" but it was not in my cards, so here I am, a happily married guy with a guy that loves me back. He supports us both and we are building a new future in a new city and are loving it, troubles and all. I have the life I want, knowing that it will continue to modify and alter as OUR needs require.
     
  4. behrstar

    behrstar Member

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2006
    Messages:
    84
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Louisville, KY (The Lube State)
    In addition, I am hoping to take on the role of Nanny for two children, one from a single lesbian mom that chose artifical insemination becasue being a parent was that important to her. I'm pleased I'll be able to help her rais the baby when it arrives with in the next two weeks:)
     
  5. HotBulge

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2005
    Messages:
    1,181
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    218
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Lowells talk to Cabots, Cabots talk to God
    Also ... I don't have any children, but I offer this view: the decision to have children makes better sense when you have a stable partner. It's a collective decision with your partner - gay or straight - to determine how you want to build your lives for the future. If you, as a couple, feel that you have the commitment to nuture and raise children through adulthood, then you will find the means to do so.
     
  6. stetree

    stetree New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2006
    Messages:
    236
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Dover, Kent, England
    I have never ever wanted a "normal" life, even when I identified as straight. I was that determined that I didnt want kids that I actually went to the doctor to find out about getting a vasectomy at the age of 16, he told me no. Never wanted to get married and fully intended to stay single if possible.
    Thank god we all grow up and change as am now with a wonderful guy who love to peaces but would still never ever want kids lol
     
  7. Deve1opment

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2006
    Messages:
    952
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    39
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Durham (GB)
    Verified:
    Photo
    Ok. I'm gay and I have a normal life - thanks. Lots of Heterosexual people don't have or want kids. Lots of gays have a stable lasting relationship. So, I'm happy!
     
  8. little_ONE

    little_ONE Member

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2006
    Messages:
    42
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    thanks for every1s views.
     
  9. schlong35

    schlong35 New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 14, 2006
    Messages:
    23
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    california mtns
    im not really gay, but have no problems with gay men or woman. After having a close friend who was gay i learned to respect the choice. Yes it is true. there are alot of men and women who are gay and married and very happy. The guy who does my phone work is gay and you would never know it. He is the coolest guy ive ever known. His wife is beautiful and she know it as well. He talks normal(not like a woman) and carries on a normal conversation like any dude. On the other hand, some men are openly gay and talk and walk differently than other men. For this situation, It probably a biological gene in the chemical makup of that particular man. Besides I think they have a great sense of humor nad keep me laughing all the time. Who they sleep with is a personal decision. We are in a free country and can live the way we want.
     
  10. Bebomarin

    Bebomarin New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 19, 2006
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Marin County California
    In my earliest memories, I loved the classic beauty of such women as Bess Myerson, or the coy sophistocation of Della Street on Perry Mason. But I never felt even the slightest wish to fondle their breasts or penetrate their vaginas.

    I found the male mystique even more fascinating, and felt the urge to "connect" with that energy in a physical way. In the 50's and 60's, men expressed their sexuality by wearing Levi's that dried while wearing them. White T-Shirts were always a size too small, and engineer boots completed the look. Proudly displaying as much genetalia as possible was the mark of a free-spirited man who was proud of his identity.

    Coming from a train-wreck of a family that included 5 boys and one girl, the thought of taking the chance of continuing that emotional pain into my adult years was unthinkable. Early-on, I was aware that the needs of my brothers and I were not being met, and I knew of no family where it was being done better. Only on TV was the ideal portrayed, but that was a fabrication.

    So, I determined I was not going to "push" myself in a direction that appeared to hold only heartache and enormous challenge. The simplicity of finding a man with whom to bond and share/explore life together was very appealing. I have no regrets. Living genuinely is a mark of a healthy and well-adjusted person.

    In my estimation, sexual orientation is just as genetic as having a big cock - it's not a choice. Research on brain function and genetics is increasingly confirming this, and hopefully, it will one-day take the stigma out sexual orientation.

    I believe we are all positioned on the Gay-Straight continuum first by genetics. What we do with it from there is largely a matter of choice, and often a direct response to societal or familial pressure. But the further away from our genetic position we attempt to live, the less successful and more unhappy we will be over time.

    Those are my thoughts. Sorry to go on so long, but the subject is not simple.
     
  11. SlickWilly

    SlickWilly Member

    Joined:
    Jan 13, 2006
    Messages:
    181
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Valencia, CA
    You think it's a CHOICE????? People don't choose to be gay.

    To my mind, the only CHOICE one has is whether or not to accept what you are... and it's easier for some than others. If you don't, you're destined for an unfulfilling life.

    I've known (on some level) since my early teens (or maybe before) that I was gay. I had a hard time accepting it because I didn't WANT to be gay. I tried to play the part expected of me. The harder I tried, the more depressed I got. But I can't be somebody I'm not. It took me a long time to come to grips with my sexuality. It got easier once I made some gay friends. They helped me put things into perspective, and are some of the most thoughtful, caring, intelligent people I know.

    Would I choose otherwise? After the journey I've been through, I'd say no. It's part of who I am. It has shaped the way I think, act, and feel. On the odd occasion I overhear a group of straight guys doing some fag bashing, I am SO thankful that I am not like that.
     
  12. Don Alejo

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 26, 2006
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Boston
    That is a question that used to be asked allot many years ago. Maybe at some point when I was a teenager, I wished I wasn't for a brief moment, but it passed.

    If for no other reason, I am glad that I am Gay becasue I didn't fit into the mold like so many other middle class white men. There is so much that I have seen and learned being just outside the norm.

    I have been in a relationship for twenty years, and we raised a child who was a cast off from some random, hetosexual coupling.

    BTW, I have know that I was different as long as I can remember, and I have known that I liked guys since I knew what sex was. I chose to be true to my desires and not force myself to pose as something that I was not.
     
  13. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

    Joined:
    Dec 16, 2004
    Messages:
    10,576
    Likes Received:
    25
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Warwick, NY, USA
    You can have all those things and be gay. It's harder to find, but it is out there.
     
  14. Nelly Gay

    Nelly Gay New Member

    Joined:
    May 25, 2006
    Messages:
    673
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Never !
    "Normal" people have problems too and probably tougher lives ...
     
  15. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2006
    Messages:
    10,742
    Likes Received:
    17
    Gender:
    Female
    Little_one, I just wanted to throw in that my gay best friend asked me to have a kid for him when he's older, so that he can experiance family life, and bring up a child. I respect him asking, but am waiting till he is much older to make sure he really wants a child. I'm also not ready to emotionally give away a child, not because he is gay, but because I fear that he isn't ready, and wont be for many years.
     
  16. RandomBottle

    RandomBottle New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 27, 2006
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Manitoba, Canada
    When I realised I was gay, I didn't want to be. I still don't want to be... But I'm dealing with that.

    As for kids and a family, never wanted that and I still don't... I hate children so much... :mad:
     
  17. DC_DEEP

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 13, 2005
    Messages:
    9,029
    Likes Received:
    12
    When I started to realize the social implications of being gay, I certainly did not want to be. I didn't want to be the object of scorn for "society in general." I did not want to worry that some dim-witted gang would beat or murder me outside a restaurant, just because I was gay. I did not want to be the subject of any fundamentalist preacher's sermon about abomination. I did not want my natural sexual expression to be illegal in most states in the US and many countries around the world.

    Otherwise, no. I have never ever had the desire to have a wife or children. I'm in a happy stable relationship now, and have been for about five and a half years, and that's good enough for me.

    If all the societal and legal issues were equal, this would not even be a question. Until then, I guess I'll just have to keep working for full rights of citizenship, even for minorities like me.
     
  18. fortiesfun

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 29, 2006
    Messages:
    4,692
    Likes Received:
    18
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    USA
    Little_One: I am a case like Hot Bulge cites, of someone who realized what it meant to be gay after having married and having a child. It was not simple, but my wife and I chose to stay together (and are still together) and have a wonderful family life. I wish I had understood myself better, and been more honest with my wife earlier, but otherwise have no regrets.

    As Jason correctly points out, choices for gay men to have families are available in ways that were not possible a generation ago.

    If what you want is a "conventional" family, being gay doesn't mean you can't have that, either. It means that you have to be far braver when you enter into relationships in the first place, and I advise you to be brutally honest with yourself about what you will and won't bring to the marriage, but there are several married and gay men on the board here who can tell you there are more options than wishing you weren't gay.
     
  19. Lex

    Lex
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2004
    Messages:
    9,536
    Likes Received:
    16
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    In Your Darkest Thoughts and Dreams
    Fortiesfun- great of you to share that.

    I also realized my oreintation after being married and having kids. No regrets though.

    Like DC--I shuddered from the realization of the societal implications of being gay--but I love myself and feel so much better for embracing allof me that I would never go back--not even for an instant.
     
  20. Tony7xxx

    Tony7xxx Member

    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2004
    Messages:
    234
    Likes Received:
    5
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Cleveland, Ohio (originally from Chicago &amp; NYC)
    no, no and no
     
Draft saved Draft deleted