A question for gay men

[Onslow]

Do you ever wish you wern't gay?

Whe you were younger did you want a family, kids, ect?

Is that what you still want?

when i was younger i wanted to be "normal", with a family, wife and kids, but being gay i have to accept that im not going to have all that.

There were times I wished I werent a queer but I am. Of course I had to take the straight road first which sent me into strange places, and I got some children along the way.

I no longer hate being a queer--I love using that word-- and have adjusted to it.

What is normal? Its whatever you decide is normal and what makes you happy is even more important. Keep in mind that even queers who do not try the straight life first can have children. There's adoption and invitro ferilization out there so you can indeed have children. You can have family as well. I have an inlaw-inlaw (the cousin of my brother's wife) who is a lesbian and had a ceremony and has a child with her life-partner. They have had a fairly normal life for more htan 10 years.
I know of 2 male couples who have children. One set went with adopting and have 3, the other set has 2 invitro-s where each the natural/biological father of one of them. All these people They seem fairlyt normal, raising kids have a home taking kids to school and the movie theater and other things. The one set of guys have a son on a little league baseball team. The other parents dont seem too shaken up by this societally unconventional family, some of the other parenst are in not so conventional families as well.


I was in a relationship for several years with a man and we did normal things, we went places and embraced in public places and took the grandchildren places. They were mine through biology but his through family love and welcoming, Even now after the breakup--yeah queers have bad relationships too--Ray is still known as Grampa Ray to my sons children.


Times change and slowly people change and get better at accepting what was once new. I grew up with the idea that adoption was natural and normal even though some people still think its not, 30 years ago being a queer was a mortal sin to a lot of people, now its only that way for some far out to the right conservatives and even they are having to give way as more and more are outed from their tiny closets after having been discovered nekkid with othe r men. Life is geting better every day, so do'nt despair. Queer Nation is rising and taking control--be a part of it.

 

[B_lrgeggs]

Interesting string....here is my two cents for what its worth...(and of course I am only speaking for myself...others may have a different experience/point of view)

I was raised at the tale end of the "Leave it to Beaver" era. I still hold on to the Pre-sexual revolution mores. So I find myself in great conflict with my physical attraction to men. (Part of this is my attraction to well endowed guys--but that is another story) My attraction to men is most likely
my deep inner feeling that I am still this "neutered" little kid that wants to cleave to a man so that I would become a Man. (Hence: Big Penis, Big Muscles, Hairy Chest = a mature grown man in my mind)

If there are any other guys
that can relate to this..hit me up. I have yet to find anyone who can relate
to this perspective. thanks

 

[BarebackJack]

I have never had any feelings of remorse for being gay. Once I found out that there was a name for what I felt towards other males, it became an "OK I'm gay then" kind of thing. I haven't felt the need to flaunt it, or act swishy, or even ride on a gay pride parade float. Gay is what I am, just as right-handed is what I am. I could try and force myself to be left-handed as I could try and force myself to be straight, but neither would be appropriate for me.

The failure to "fit in" as a gay person is not my shortcoming, but society's. I cannot be responsible, nor take on the responsibility, for the inability of others to accept me as I am, so long as what I am is true to what I am to be. There is no shame in being true to one's SELF (and I emphasize SELF on purpose). For it is one's greater SELF that one must be honest with above all else. How can I have any remorse for being what I am to be? Sad is the banana that wishes more than anything to be an apple.

As for raising kids, having a family, etc... never had any desire to have my own children, though I have grown close to other people's kids (as "Uncle Jack") and the experience has been enriching. The best I want for myself is someone else to share my life with when it is most appropriate to do so, and share a home, with dogs and nice furnishings and the basic creature comforts... and spend the holidays, birthdays, and other important times with his and my natal families. I'm in no hurry... that day will come when it's right.

Patience and forgiveness are perhaps the best tools any young gay man (or newly-out-of-the-closet gay man) can have at his disposal.

And let's be real... a big dick is the third best tool any gay man can have. lol

 

[Proppie]

Do you ever wish you weren't gay?

I wish that I weren't gay and if they offered a pill to get rid of my sexuality I would take it. Being asexual would be OK with me.

When you were younger did you want a family, kids, ect?

I have always wanted a "Leave It to Beaver" family or at least one similar to the Huxtables ("The Cosby Show").

Is that what you still want?

I am 42 years old and realize that I almost certainly will always be single with no kids.

 

[fratpack]

Never have I thought that being gay was a disadvantage in life. I am very happy with my life and have a wonderful man in my life and wouldn't change him for a single moment. Every now and then I think, gee, kids would be nice but then again it takes a huge commitment, one that I am not at this time ready to make. Being gay is not a choice; it is only one part of who I am and I am satisfied with that.

 

[Lemou]

Geez... You have to deal with it... Accept it.. Hehe

 

[DiegoID]

Do you ever wish you wern't gay?

Whe you were younger did you want a family, kids, ect?

Is that what you still want?

when i was younger i wanted to be "normal", with a family, wife and kids, but being gay i have to accept that im not going to have all that.

Ok I'll start at the beginning. The only time I ever wished that I wasn't gay was when I was in the closet. Once I accepted the fact that I was attracted sexuality to men, I made a vow to be myself first, and gay second. I didn't want the branding/label to overcome who I was deep inside. I did change some when I came out, but I became a much better and complete person. Self-Denial really wears down the soul over time.

I plan on having a family and kids. I got (gay) married this summer, and we're going to do In-vitro fertilization in a few years. My biggest regret is that I can't "Accidentally" have a kid. It's going to take forethought and planning. (Wow..the world sure would be different place if forethought and planning happened everytime a woman got pregnant).

You don't have to give up your family dreams, but you may have to give up your pre-conceived notions of a 50's era family. (IMHO those types of families didn't really exist in the 50's either. From what I can tell all the same bad things happened back then, people just didn't talk about it.)

Little_one, I just wanted to throw in that my gay best friend asked me to have a kid for him when he's older, so that he can experiance family life, and bring up a child. I respect him asking, but am waiting till he is much older to make sure he really wants a child. I'm also not ready to emotionally give away a child, not because he is gay, but because I fear that he isn't ready, and wont be for many years.

That is a huge issue with gay men and having children. You may want to consider about just donating your eggs, and have some other woman actually go through the pregnancy. That way you won't have the same bond built with the child during pregnancy. (Unless your planning on a modern alt family with 2 dads and a mom.) I know we are planning on having a surrigate so that she doesn't have any DNA/biological connection with the child if we ever get involved in a custody battle.

When I realised I was gay, I didn't want to be. I still don't want to be... But I'm dealing with that.

As for kids and a family, never wanted that and I still don't... I hate children so much...

I had a really hard time with that when I was 19 as well. Really the only advice is to get over it. The best way to get over it? Well...gay sex worked for me. :adam4: :087:

 

[scanjock8]

I've loved being gay the first moment I set foot in a crowded gay nightclub and felt a sense of normalcy and belonging like I never had most of my life. For the first time in 21 years I could openly express my sexual desires--it was unbelievably liberating and exciting. That same night I made my first gay male friends--and could share and say things with them until then I kept to myself. I made out with a guy on the dance floor without shame or fear. I was beside myself! At 21, I was having the first-time experiences of a young teenager and developing relationships I should have had in high school and college.

My experience growing up was similar to many gay men. Just before puberty I knew I was attracted to guys. And I knew it was not normal. Kids want to belong and be normal--I think it's a natural reaction. I grew up in a very sheltered community--I was never told being gay was bad, never experienced racism, never experienced any religous guilt either. I was as clean as a kid could get--but I still knew something wasn't right. Every night at bed I would make promised under my breath that I would never let myself be gay. I didn't want to be different and did everything I could to not even raise suspiscion. Played sports. Hung out with the jocks. Made up stories about being with chicks so they would think I was like them. Fuck, I was so good at being someone I wasn't I forgot who I was. I was very good in art and choir--but decided they were too feminine and dropped them. Then I go to college and join a fraternity and impose four more years of playing the character I perfected. Alhtough now I was in a big city--which offered things I had never seen before. God it was hard.

So that first time in a gay disco was huge. Since 12 or 13 I never really got to be me until that night.

 

[invisibleman]

Do you ever wish you weren't gay?
I am happy being who I am regardless of whether people aren't happy with me. I am happy being gay. I don't necessarily think that the grass is greener being straight.
I am what I am without apology.

When you were younger did you want a family, kids, etc?
Yeah. Sometimes I think that it would be nice to have a daughter...or a son. If I had a daughter, I would name her--
Auriel Giancarla. If I had a son, I would name him--Hennessei
Giancarlo.

Is that what you still want?
No. I really wouldn't want to have to raise kids in the amount of hate that's going on in the world. Tolerance in the world is not good these days. There are a lot of issues.

when i was younger i wanted to be "normal", with a family, wife and kids, but being gay i have to accept that im not going to have all that.

You can have kids. The real question: are you able to deal with a lot of issues related to having a "normal" family? It isn't like you can return or exchange a kid like merchandise to WAL-MART. There are some serious questions you need to ask.

 

[B_lrgeggs]

Maybe this is just me...but If I was so satisfied with my own sex life...would I spend so much time on the computer?

 

[B_Think_Kink]

That is a huge issue with gay men and having children. You may want to consider about just donating your eggs, and have some other woman actually go through the pregnancy. That way you won't have the same bond built with the child during pregnancy. (Unless your planning on a modern alt family with 2 dads and a mom.) I know we are planning on having a surrigate so that she doesn't have any DNA/biological connection with the child if we ever get involved in a custody battle.

I don't think it would be a family like that, but I've never wanted kids for my own, but I think considering I've been best friends with him for 6 years so far, and we have many years before we decide on kids, I'd rather keep some connection with him. He is 17, and I'm a few years older so we wont have to worry about it for a long time.

 

[jordanj]

I'm gonna ignore the initial questions and just answer from the heart.

I met and married a wonderful lady whom I asked to be my wife when I was 18, she was 28. As the 'big day' approached when I was 19, I *knew* I shouldn't be getting married as I was gay. Looooooong before, I'd told her I was gay but due to my fucked up childhood, I thought the friendship she and I had developed was actually love. So, we got married.

She fell pregnant about 2 months after we married which was all good. My daughter was born 10 months after our marriage, about 3 weeks early. She was a low birth weight and we were told that if she lost any more weight, she'd have to go in a tank and be moved to the special baby care unit. I drove to the coast from London that night and spent half the night playing shoot-'em-up games at the arcades to release my frustrations.

Whilst I knew I was gay, the whole thing of protecting my own child was (and is) over and above anything else I ever knew or had experienced. There is nothing like knowing that child is your own. Whilst being gay is for me a thing you're born with, the protective instinct towards your offspring rides very high in me.

When my daughter was 7 - nearly 8, her mother and I split and due to unhappy fortune, I had to explain to my daughter exactly why we had split. Thankfully, my ex and I had already sorted this out between us and we were able to use examples from pop-culture to reason the situation out with our daughter.

These days, I have my own flat, my daughter and my ex visit frequently (some may say too frequently, the accusation of living in each others pockets is sometimes levelled at us) my daughter also brings her boyfriend round and he knows the full background, too.

I guess that I am very lucky, my ex could have told me to fuck off and I'd have been left with nothing. Instead, we work as a co-operative team to bring up our daughter as best we can. Modern society being what it is, we both work and I believe there has only been one occasion within her 13 years that neither of us made it to a school play/nativity. One or other of us has always been there, be it school play or a broken arm (as of 2 years ago).

We do not see our daughter as a pawn to play with between us which is where (in my opinion) so many marriage splits go wrong. No matter what the differences between my ex and I, we work to achieve what is best for our daughter, no matter what.

I do not claim to have all the answers. I act as I find. My 13 year old daughter currently has a boyfriend who is 2.5 years older than her (i.e. he's gonna be 16 next year) and each day is a new day. We listen. We learn. We guide. We also listen to his mother and take note of what she has to say about him and this informs our decisions.

If *I* had my time again, would I deceive my ex and do it all again? Yes, yes I would. I have never known such love and completion as having my own child. My ex and I have put any differences far behind us and the result as far as we can tell is a mature, well-balanced child.

I don't recommend deceipt though. By luck, it worked for me in the first instance.

 

[Kimahri]

I'm not really a fan of being gay. I deal with it well though. I have no problems with other gay guys or gals. It's just not something I saw for myself.

I guess my problem stems from my lack of interest in a committed gay relationship. That's not to say I want to sleep around alot. I just have no interest in being with a guy for any long period of time.

I don't really want to have kids, so I don't think I'm missing out on anything there. Would be nice to have a family though, but I can always adopt if the mood so hits me.

 

[little_ONE]

to those wit kids:

if you had a previous marriage how did you children react when you told them you were gay? do they understand? did they accept it?

to those who raise a child, through invitro fetilisation or adoption, has you child ever asked about you being gay? why they dont have a mum or dad? do they accept and understand it?

Did any of you children every get bullied or treated differently for having gay parents?

are there any other questions raised by you child/kids?



sorry if i sound ignorant or stupid

 

[husky14620]

Do you ever wish you weren't gay?

I wish that I weren't gay and if they offered a pill to get rid of my sexuality I would take it. Being asexual would be OK with me.

That's the plot of a movie, "Hard Pill". He takes a pill to become straight, and when it wears off, he ends up asexual and impotent.

 

[clarkma86]

From a purely practical standpoint, if I were truly straight that would make my life a lot more convenient. But there are many reasons I'm happy with who I am.

Though it might sound weird, being gay, while not necessarily what I use to define myself in and of itself, results in me being different and I've always enjoyed standing out for some reason or another. I don't like melding into the crowd. So I kinda have this odd tendency to feel very natural being gay because everybody else ISN'T, if that makes any sense at all. In other words, it fits my personality. If I was straight and enjoyed that, it wouldn't just be a matter of changing sexuality, it would have to result from me being a different sort of person. And, at the end of the day, I like me.

And there is the fact that, however I ended being "wired" this way, that I enjoy being interested in men. They are attractive to me. I guess in that way, I have some difficulty imagining what it's like to be straight and enjoy it, much in the same way that straight people don't understand being gay. It's much of the reason why I ask for tolerance and not empathy, because I have difficulty empathizing with straight people myself.

So, no, I don't really wish I wasn't gay. It's intertwined with who I am and I enjoy what I enjoy. If I was straight, I'd be a different person, and I'd hopefully be just as happy being straight in that situation as I am being gay now. But that's a lot of speculation.

EDIT: On the subject of children, I would like a child or two down the line, which is obviously somewhat of a problem for someone who's gay. I see myself in a committed relationship in the future, though (I guess I'm a commitment sort of person), hopefully that will include marriage (that's for the courts to decide now...), and hopefully that relationship will include the oppurtunity to adopt. At this point in my life, that's what I want when I look into the future. But you never know where life will take you...

 

[Andresito]

I enjoy my sexuality, and I'm a happy person in a stable relationship right now.

BUT... if Morpheus come with the pills and tells me: "take the blue one and you're straight", then I take it.

 

[SilverSoldier]

I'm bi. I didn't choose it. I was married twice, fighting who I really am. I think I could have been happily married, monogomous, if either of the women I married would have been less vengeful and hateful. The best part is having my two adult kids. They are very close to me, and don't have much to do with their mother. They trust me. I'm now in a relationship with the most sane person I've ever lived with. He is wonderful. I don't need or want for anyone/anything else.

I learned, after lots of horrific years, that I needed to be who I really, truly am, and follow the values and principles that were the very core of my identity. I spent too many years doing things to please everyone else.

I also learned that having kids is wonderful. My next door neighbor is a single mom with kids. She's been through hard times, and her kids come to us when they are afraid, or unsure. I feel like a mentor/friend/dad to them.

I taught my kids that just because their parents divorced doesn't mean they can't have a good life. No one gets off easy. Lots of people have crappy lives. Your family is who you adopt along with those who are blood relatives that you can make peace with. You learn quickly who you can trust and love in life.

I live a rich life, finally, because I made peace with the things I couldn't control, live by my values and principles, and have a big, wonderful family and wonderful friends. It's only taken 50 years to get to this point. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

For anyone who is searching to know who they are, and what they want out of life, I believe they need to search themselves carefully first, decide who you really are, and be your best self, helping others to become their best selves in the process.

 

[trufitjock]

i am normal and no i wouldnt want to be straight

 

[dags]

No. I don't think of my sexuality being so constrained to being either gay or straight. I've tried both sexes and prefer men more than women. I've stuck with men because I enjoy them.I've never been one to care what others are saying, there going to be saying things either way no matter what you do anyway so I say fuck what people say about you. My partner was married and had three kids when I met him 17yrs ago. I stepped up and provided allot of stability and support with the kids.
I went to get them for visits and usually took them home and was the primary caregiver as he worked ridiculous hours. They were all young then, 6,8, and 10. So I have always been there and to them I suppose I am a parent figure.
I certainly was an exception to the rule at that time. I was 23yrs old working in a big seedy gay entertainment complex, bar-tending and waiting tables. A few of my peers and coworkers gave me a hard time, joking mostly as prior to meeting my partner I never dreamed of settling down. All in all meeting my partner was thing best thing for me and probably saved my life truth be told. So I didn't miss out on having children, BELIEVE me! I am living proof a gay man can stand by an open front door in a trailer park yelling at the top of his lungs for the kids to come home "supper is on the table". LOL Scary visual I know but it happened many times. You tell them to be home AT 6pm for supper and what happens...?? Uh huh
So you just never know, life can be very interesting an fun!
You only get one life, explore it have fun with it, Love and be good to others and remember obstacles are only problems that you haven't found solutions to yet.