A Question of Ethics & Romance

[Symphonic]

Let us say that you are confirmed bad romantic partner, now what this means is that in matters of romantic partnership you are officially the worst of the worst and cannot change the negative characteristics. If you are a bad romantic partner, are honest about this openly, and even provide fair warning that you will not change is it your ethical duty as a person in a society to refuse to engage in romantic relationships?

At what point are you no longer responsible for the outcome of the relationship despite being a poor romantic partner? Is it when you tell them openly with solid reasoning and experience and example and they choose to overlook this? Is it ever even wrong should you not share this information? Does it extend beyond their consent?

I am facing the question as we speak, but cannot conclude a clear answer.

 

[hud01]

Why are you attempting to get into a romantic relationship?

 

[D_Anton_Pavlovich_Jerkhov]

What negative characteristics are you talking about?

 

[Symphonic]

Why are you attempting to get into a romantic relationship?

Someone is interested in me.

What negative characteristics are you talking about?

Generally things that bar or really blockade romantic relationships including a lack of openness, a long-standing fear of being trapped, hurt, etc. by the partner, promiscuity and unwillingness to stick to your partner ( for monogamous seeking partners ), selfishness, self-esteem issues and inadequacy; whatever you think fits the bill that makes a relationship almost impossible to traverse without something changing.

 

[dolfette]

on paper i'm a terrible partner.
but then men often tell me i'm wonderful...so free of the usual girly bullshit.
so maybe you're just picking the wrong girls.
maybe ther are girls who think your faults are fine and your assets are finer.

as long as you're honest about what you are then it's not your fault if they suddenly decide they don't like what you are.

 

[dolfette]

Generally things that bar or really blockade romantic relationships including a lack of openness, a long-standing fear of being trapped, hurt, etc. by the partner, promiscuity and unwillingness to stick to your partner ( for monogamous seeking partners ), selfishness, self-esteem issues and inadequacy; whatever you think fits the bill that makes a relationship almost impossible to traverse without something changing.

so you need a partner who is happy for you to have a life of your own and can fend for themselves. a cactus person...someone who thrives in emotionally arid conditions.

those people are out there.

 

[Symphonic]

on paper i'm a terrible partner.
but then men often tell me i'm wonderful...so free of the usual girly bullshit.
so maybe you're just picking the wrong girls.
maybe ther are girls who think your faults are fine and your assets are finer.

as long as you're honest about what you are then it's not your fault if they suddenly decide they don't like what you are.

That is a very sensible viewpoint, and one I can definitely respect; my inclination currently is this one but then I ask myself "If I could prevent the loss of time, the loss of one's investments, and the emotional turmoil that comes with relationships based on chance of success should I?" Then the ball is in my court, but I really feel that you're spot on before the question of introspection.

Odds are high I'll probably just agree with you in the end and go with that.

 

[D_Dick_Dock_Doe]

Symphonic: You pose an interesting question, and I think Dolfette has given some great answers. I have always felt that people should be honest with one another when it comes to relationships. Knowing who you are is usually the first step to getting what you want.

With that said, if someone is interested in you and you are unwilling to compromise in order to make it work, then be honest with them. Do not lead them to believe that a relationship is possible if you know very well it is not. However, if having a relationship is important to you, but you just find yourself having some personal issues that keep you from exploring one, the only way to ever be open to a relationship is to understand those issues and work on overcoming them. Relationships are all about compromise. If that's something you're unwilling to do, you may not be relationship material.

 

[Symphonic]

so you need a partner who is happy for you to have a life of your own and can fend for themselves. a cactus person...someone who thrives in emotionally arid conditions.

those people are out there.

Are you one of them?

 

[dolfette]

Are you one of them?

yup.
and my lack of emotional need has caused great distress in some...i don't do jealousy, i don't demand undivided attention, romance or gifts. they felt like they weren't needed...which they weren't. i'll want a man but i'll never need him.
the guy i'm with now, touch wood, is cool with all that and my fake orgasms too.

 

[Symphonic]

yup.
and my lack of emotional need has caused great distress in some...i don't do jealousy, i don't demand undivided attention, romance or gifts. they felt like they weren't needed...which they weren't. i'll want a man but i'll never need him.
the guy i'm with now, touch wood, is cool with all that and my fake orgasms too.

I can't believe I have these things in common with you. That's just... Oh this is the worst day ever!

On a serious note, that makes you a really, really cool person. Bah.

 

[dolfette]

ha!

 

[Symphonic]

Tch, whatever. Even so, I'll think on this some more anyway.

 

[D_Anton_Pavlovich_Jerkhov]

Now list some positive ones, please.

 

[Chase1600]

Let us say that you are confirmed bad romantic partner, now what this means is that in matters of romantic partnership you are officially the worst of the worst and cannot change the negative characteristics. If you are a bad romantic partner, are honest about this openly, and even provide fair warning that you will not change is it your ethical duty as a person in a society to refuse to engage in romantic relationships?

At what point are you no longer responsible for the outcome of the relationship despite being a poor romantic partner? Is it when you tell them openly with solid reasoning and experience and example and they choose to overlook this? Is it ever even wrong should you not share this information? Does it extend beyond their consent?

I am facing the question as we speak, but cannot conclude a clear answer.

• Perhaps
• Never
• Nope
• Possibly
• Yup

Remove the word romantic. How does your post read? I have a feeling you are not describing being a loner but rather are describing being unfaithful. Regardless, you remain responsible for the consequences of your acts.

We don’t get a license to do something wrong by announcing that we intend to do something wrong.

I can’t say “I’m a thief so it’s your fault if I steal your laptop.”

If you have no intention about being faithful to someone who apparently expects faithful, you are right to inform. Having told a partner that you will not be faithful will free you of certain responsibilities – such as a responsibility to be faithful - but it will not free you to otherwise exploit their feelings callously.

It will not give you a license to then hurt them and say it was their fault. If you believe that your involvement with them will cause them pain you should avoid them.

 

[helgaleena]

If you know yourself and can express it clearly, that is an asset. And 'bad' is such a loaded way of putting it that you have a certain kind of emotional style.

Mushy is not the only type of romance, by the way.

I greatly insulted my ex once when we were first married when he wanted to buy me a rose and I urged him to get me a stainless steel pancake turner instead. It was early warning that our romantic styles were not that compatible that he held it against me for the next fifteen years and brought it up at divorce time.

My stance is that I am better at expressing my caring side through pancakes than hothouse extravagances.

 

[D_Doe_Ray_Mi]

Symphonic: You pose an interesting question, and I think Dolfette has given some great answers. I have always felt that people should be honest with one another when it comes to relationships. Knowing who you are is usually the first step to getting what you want.

With that said, if someone is interested in you and you are unwilling to compromise in order to make it work, then be honest with them. Do not lead them to believe that a relationship is possible if you know very well it is not. However, if having a relationship is important to you, but you just find yourself having some personal issues that keep you from exploring one, the only way to ever be open to a relationship is to understand those issues and work on overcoming them. Relationships are all about compromise. If that's something you're unwilling to do, you may not be relationship material.

Yes, all of that and be aware that you may be being totally honest with yourself and with a prospective partner but keep in mind that we are always learning and the best way to learn about ourselves is in relationship with a partner who can't help but mirror our own issues to us.
Don't put yourself in a box as untrainable or unchangeable. With the right motivation anyone can change if they really want to. Good luck! You are worthy of happiness and love.

 

[hud01]

If you know yourself and can express it clearly, that is an asset. And 'bad' is such a loaded way of putting it that you have a certain kind of emotional style.

Mushy is not the only type of romance, by the way.

I greatly insulted my ex once when we were first married when he wanted to buy me a rose and I urged him to get me a stainless steel pancake turner instead. It was early warning that our romantic styles were not that compatible that he held it against me for the next fifteen years and brought it up at divorce time.

My stance is that I am better at expressing my caring side through pancakes than hothouse extravagances.

I Love Lucy

She talks Fred into buying a housecoat or the like for Ethel's birthday, instead of the toaster, or whatever it was. In the end, it was what she wanted.....Fred had it right.